Okay, so quite literally to me it sounds like the spouse visa may be a better idea, because 1. I know I'm not working right now because I'm on unpaid maternity leave, but I still have a job available to me whenever I want to go back, my parents are paying for my apartment and bills right now until I fully recover. So I know I don't have grands in my bank account at all, I'm not even gonna play it off like I do.
2. my husband being on disability obviously doesn't have grands just lying around, so we both know we would just be supporting me and our son off of his disability funds alone, idk if that'll work out though because we don't have thousands on hand to just use at our discretion.
But you said his family are willing to support you for the 3 months, so it wouldn't matter that you don't have thousands, as long as they have a steady income and are willing to provide evidence that they can support you.
3. in your opinion considering my circumstances, which would be better to apply for? I know its ultimatley up to me and my husband but I don't wanna jump in on just a whim and then be flown back home, we can't afford something like that and it means alot to us to be together either way, genuinely.
Well, it's really up to you - are you planning on only spending 3 months in the UK and then returning to the US for a while, or are you ready to make a permanent move to the UK right now?
If you go for the spousal visa, you need to show that you plan to move to the UK permanently to live with your husband. You need to show the finances, suitable accommodation for you to live in, relationship evidence etc.
For a visitor visa, you need to show that you are only visiting and have a life to return to in the US, which means you won't be trying to stay in the UK. You would need to show that you have been invited to stay, that you have access to enough money for the 3 months so that you won't try to work illegally in the UK (this can be from his family), and that you have a job and a life to return to in the US.
4. would it be better to visit the uk for the 3 months, and then come home, apply for the spouse and then wait it out? would that look like we're trying to fraud them or something? thats not our intent on any circumstances but i dont want them to feel offended that we're visiting, even while hes on disability and supporting us while we're there
It's entirely dependent on your personal situation and what you want to do.
If you will be moving to the UK in the next few months anyway, and you can meet all the requirements for the spousal visa now (remember you can also use money from family members to meet the weekly requirement), then you might as well just go for the spousal visa.
Going straight for the spousal visa would probably be less risky than trying to convince them that you are a genuine visitor with no intention of trying to live in the UK. Plus, it will save you money on extra flights back to the US.
I guess your options are:
1) Visitor visa, then spousal visaVisitor visa = £78
Flights to UK and then back US after 3 months = £500-1,000 (estimated cost)
Spousal visa = £826
Flights back to the UK = £500-1,000 (estimated)
2) Spousal visa straight offSpousal visa = £826
Flights to UK = £500-1,000 (estimated cost)
By going for option 2, you save the cost of the visitor visa and return flights between the UK and US.