I kinda need to rant right now. Maybe more of a pity fest, who knows.
DH and I have been through all the normal long distance relationship bumps probably a few more because of his situation plus a lot of medical issues this year. Sometimes I'm just ready for the bumps to be gone. It's like, what next?
DH has been the sole carer for his mother for the last almost 10 years. If there was an issue, he was called from his job and eventually had to quit his job 10 years ago because he kept having to leave mid shift to attend to his mom. Since then he's lived with his mom/dad. Every day until the time the mom gets up until she goes to bed, DH has watched her. Why hasn't he just let his dad care for his mom? Because FIL won't! He won't even watch her ten minutes! (And she needs total assistance and would have falls that would result in ER trips) My DH has sat 5 feet from his mom every day for the last 10 years attending to her while his dad goes off to play golf. When people are around the dad acts like he cares about his wife and makes a big show about all the things he buys for her and does for her. (lies) When no one but DH and I is around he would shout at her and neglect her.
When DH and I got together we knew he'd need to stop caring after his mom to get a job for the fiance visa. DH told his dad that and his dad complained that now he'd have to get two carers in for 14 an hour. (DH has been doing this for no pay all these years or support - just free rent to live in his childhood bedroom)DH's dad said he'd pay DH 8 an hour for 30 hour weeks to continue taking care of mom. (This is no skin off FIL, he spends 800+ pounds on just wine for his own consumption a month) DH agreed. 10 months went by and DH was still having to watch his mom 80+ hours a week plus getting up in the middle of the night plus paying rent now. If DH and I would get a day off, we'd leave the house for 2 hours, come back for lunch and his dad would immediately leave so then we'd be stuck in. On our wedding day his dad ditched us to play golf and we had to watch mom. Valentines day, birthdays same deal.
We arranged a talk with him in August about working only 30 hours and possibly dropping the rent. 80 hours working a week is more than enough paying for the rent. (Dad owns house btw, there are no payments) 10 minutes into the conversation his dad exploded and basically said that HE (the dad) has been watching his wife all these years and that his son was just lazy and staying home and no one asked for his help. This of course was devastating to my DH because he's been watching her all these years because he can't trust his dad and after many times of his dad saying he'll get another carer in so DH can go on with his life, he won't. The night ended up with his dad saying mean things to me, putting his hands on me. I've not spoken to his dad since August and I've stayed up in DH and I's bedroom since then.
My FIL is passive aggressive and if he gets mad at whatever then people get punished. During our application process he got mad at DH, didn't tell him why and cut off his wage payment for 4 weeks. DH dad does a lot of things, but I'll skim over them.
Finally late August FIL agreed to only work DH 30 hours a week and he'd watch her the rest. Well, it never really happened. FIL would forget to feed her all the time, forget her pills, wouldn't bathe her, let her sit in her poo, FIL will shower but not let MIL bathe and not be in the room with her so she'd have falls, he'd drink and pass out and she'd wander the house alone. DH and I have come home and found her head split open and FIL playing on the computer 4 rooms away. We've found her just laid out on the floor so many times. If DH was downstairs doing anything near where MIL was he'd be essentially watching her even when FIL should be.
Our spousal visa was approved Nov. 22nd. I called the jobcentre and have an appt to apply for my NIN in London the 28th of this month. Our plan was to start looking for jobs for both of us in Jan and demand FIL get a live in carer.
Well, yesterday my DH goes in to check on his mom in bed and she's not breathing. He preforms CPR but no good. Medics come... nothing. She has passed away. Now DH is jobless, no pay and rent is coming up. He's spent 10 years doing this, this is all he knows. We spoke about what kinds of jobs would he like to get when we get out of here and he says carework because he won't be hired for anything else (he's tried) because he basically has no work experience the last 10 years. He was taking a counselling course years ago but his dad had to go play golf a lot so DH had to miss class a lot and watch mom so he gave up. I think going into carework right now isn't a good idea with his mom passing - it maybe too sensitive of a thing. Not to mention I can't expect him to find a job immediately because he's grieving. So I've been looking for jobs online. Even most unskilled jobs I'm not skilled for. I've gained 20lbs, which I've lost 4 in the last week and a half I've been back at the gym, but nothing fits, let alone interview clothes, don't really have cash to buy some right now. All I can do is continue losing weight and job hunt. I'm just so stressed and nervous right now. Not to mention DH goes in for a minor surgery the 21st (also his moms bday) and he has no one to drive him and I can't drive. :/
Its a mixture of panic and grief right now. Mostly I am mad at my FIL. He's the same as he always is, same fake persona he puts on for company. I honestly don't think he cares his wife is gone, I think he's kind of glad. I guess at least she is in a better place now, not being screamed at by him constantly or neglected. Now he'll be getting lots of sympathy attention because of his loss. I just want to shout out to everyone that he is such a fraud! Unfortunately FIL might try to kick DH and I out again and right now with no income its not a good idea. I don't know how I'm going to get through this funeral. If he makes a speech about how he was taking such good care of her I think I'm going to lose it. I don't even want to be in the same room with him. I haven't been since August, he's creepy and unpredictable.
None of these feelings would be there if my FIL would just have given a damn for his wife. Also, if you haven't guessed, DH feels the same way I do. I can't wait for some good things to come our way. This year has been terrible.
