Something's missing

My husband and I have been married almost 2 years now and we have finally made a trip back to the US to see my family. We had been planning this trip for months and coincidentally my Grandma's dementia worsened and she passed away while I (and my whole family) was there. The trip had great moments and terrible moments... it was an emotional roller-coaster. While there, we all reminisced about things my family used to do such as my Grandparents coming over and playing pinochle every Friday, going out to restaurants or bowling.

While we were all talking about this it hit me that I am missing out on all of these supposed future memories. I am not going to be around for Thanksgivings, Christmases, Birthdays, Graduations etc. I'm missing out on all of it. I guess I got so caught up in being with my husband and the romantic idea of moving to another country that I forgot about what matters most. When we decided to settle here we went through the pros and cons and it was just easier to move to the UK so we did what we needed to do to be together.

Now we're both in jobs that we aren't that excited about and living in an area that makes us grumpy. We're not near his family either and he's not as bothered about being around them so it seems like moving to the States is what we need to do.

Also, we have been thinking about starting a family but I know that if I was pregnant I wouldn't be able to do the job I am doing now. I don't know if it would be better to have a baby in the UK or the US in regards to insurance or getting visa's/ green cards etc. The good thing is we have a co-sponsor for the green card application process and we have job opportunities as well in the States. We know we will move eventually but it's the next 18 months or so that will be tough and planning when to start our family is proving to be difficult as well.

Any advice or comforting words would be appreciated!!

Sorry I put this in the wrong forum... I don't know how to move it

Oh, you deserve a huge hug!

Let's just say I'm about six years ahead of you. Six years ago, I could have written this post. We were in exactly the same position.

The fact that I'm writing it from the UK says a great deal.

The baby is a game changer. If you have a close-knit family who is going to want to be a part of the baby's life and you want your baby to have the kind of life you had as a child, AND you both know beyond a doubt that you can both get good jobs, with excellent insurance and live in an area you love - then go back to the US. It sounds like you're leaning that way and from my expatriate parenting position, I wholeheartedly agree.

We bounced back and forth a lot from 2005 to 2007; two years ago our son was born in the US, we lived there until this past summer when a $1,200 bill for routine vaccinations (and we were well-insured!) put the nail in the coffin on that venture. We had more than a few issues with health insurance along the way -- paying more than our rent to keep our policy while we were between jobs, being underinsured when DH broke his ankle and not being able to afford the $20k to fix it, arguing about coverage -- and it really, really disturbed DH. We have had good insurance, great insurance, terrible insurance and -- frighteningly -- no insurance at times and really, the whole thing just became a deal-breaker for us (along with sky-high property taxes and rampant political conservatism that scares the life out of us at times!). So we moved back to the UK this summer with some regrets, but largely a sigh of relief.

My husband now has US citizenship, so we no longer have to go through hoops should we ever decide to go back -- an option not off of the table and an idea that I'm sure will come up more frequently as my parents get older -- but for now, the UK is the place we need to be. I'm pleased with my son's early years education progress, I love all of the local activities available to us as a family, we're exponentially healthier. Yes, we sacrificed having our "big" house in the US; yes, I miss my close-knit, huge family immensely, but DH enjoys his job in London far more than he ever enjoyed his jobs in the US so for us, the decision was made based on what was best for the three of us. And seeing as DS and I are back in the US for a few weeks roughly every other month, we're not missing out on much -- we're there for birthdays, holidays, etc., so I don't feel that DS is missing out entirely. For us, this works.

But if I had all of these things -- a job DH loved, an area we loved to live in (I love my family but I grew up in a fairly rural location that drives my city-bred DH bonkers!) and proximity to family -- in the US, then it would be no contest. The US would win, every time.

Whatever you do, please consider getting UK citizenship before you leave the UK. I don't know if you've kept up on the changes that have happened in the immigration system since last summer, but it is now extremely difficult to sponsor a spouse, and it now takes 5 years to get ILR on the new spouse visas. Presumably you'll qualify for ILR soon, so make sure you get that and then your citizenship as soon as you qualify, and then you can move whenever you want and know that you can always come back if needed/wanted. Also consider things like the NHS when it comes to having a family. The average cost of straightforward childbirth in the US is $10,000.

The average cost of straightforward childbirth in the US is $10,000.

$10,000 would have been a bargain! The final bill -- which my insurance did pay, all but the $500 co-pay -- for DS's straightforward birth was $33,586. That didn't count follow-up visits to the paediatrician or hiring the private lactation coach since the hospital-assigned one was rubbish.

I would absolutely agree that if you can wait it out in the UK long enough to get citizenship, it's worth the added expense.  It's like carrying around a security blanket in the form of a passport

We moved back to the US a few years ago, after I spent 6 years in London.  I loved the UK, but once we had a child, we realized there was no way we could afford to be a single income family in London.  My DH's family is all from London, so moving elsewhere wasn't really an option.  We were living in a small 2-bed flat, which was fine with just one, but we knew we wanted more.  That was our deciding factor in moving to the US - the cost of living was going to allow us more flexibility.

We have not regretted moving one bit.  We are near my family.  My husband has a great job with fabulous insurance.  The birth of my second child in the US cost us $0.  So it really depends on your insurance.  We live in a lovely neighborhood, close to my parents and friends.  We have enough room to continue growing our family. 

Do I miss London, absolutely.  Does my husband miss his family, absolutely.  In relationships like ours....nothing is perfect.  You just have to find the closest thing for you.  Good luck.

Thank you for all of your responses!

I think if we move to the US we probably won't make another move to the UK. There is a lot we are giving up in the UK and I feel like all we have been doing lately is starting over and I just want to settle down already :/

Since my visa is valid until January we are now thinking of leaving before the end of this year and saving the cost of the ILR and using it for the green card. Is it quite difficult to get a green card before getting my ILR? On a different website someone mentioned that all applications have to be sent to a USCIS office. If this is the case I suppose the ILR wouldn't make a difference to us because we can't use the DCF process anyway. Does anyone know if that's true?

You don't need ILR to use DCF. 

They are estimating about 10 months for the process to be complete though.

It is up to you, but I hope you will reconsider. The board is full of people who have left the UK thinking it was permanent, and are now trying to get back because life changes, and are finding it difficult to impossible because of the new rules. You have to wait ages for the DCF anyway, and if you arrived in February 2011 on your fiancée visa, you'll qualify for citizenship in February 2014. Yes, it's expensive, but nowhere near as much as it would be if you ever needed to move back for any reason and had to start all over on the 5 year, 2 visa track. 

It is up to you, but I hope you will reconsider. The board is full of people who have left the UK thinking it was permanent, and are now trying to get back because life changes, and are finding it difficult to impossible because of the new rules. You have to wait ages for the DCF anyway, and if you arrived in February 2011 on your fiancée visa, you'll qualify for citizenship in February 2014. Yes, it's expensive, but nowhere near as much as it would be if you ever needed to move back for any reason and had to start all over on the 5 year, 2 visa track. 

I'm in definite agreement with DrSuperL99 on this. If it were me, I would remain in the UK until I had citizenship. Even if you think you'll never return, at least you'll know you can keep it in your back pocket without having to worry about meeting all the new rules. I would definitely think long and hard about whether you want to give up on ILR and citizenship when you're so close to it anyway.

Me too.  I don't want to stay in England forever, (Scotland might be a different story, but my English hubby isn't too keen on it. SIGH!)

So we are considering Canada or New Zealand, but you never know so I got my UK citizenship as soon as I could.

I've known people who were absolutely convinced that nothing whatsoever would take them back to the UK, so they didn't get ILR or citizenship, but life has a funny way of shifting despite the firmest of intentions.  It doesn't have to even have anything to do with desire to live in the UK.  We've seen people have to come back to be with dying parents or relatives, or things not working out in the US as they expected.  Really, if you just have one year to wait, I think it would be foolish to not have some insurance that you can come back, even if it's just ILR that gives you two years to return (although I'd still go for citizenship). Imagine if your husband wanted to be here to say goodbye to a slowly dying parent, but you suddenly find that due to rule changes, you can't be with him and now have to raise your children as a single parent or have him miss those final months with a loved one as well and have to live with that regret (which isn't always good on a relationship).

Hopefully nothing like that will happen, but you don't really know, so please think carefully about all your options--not just about how much it costs and your desire to live back in the States.