So, I guess I'm making a visit home...

Ugh.

Don't get me wrong-- I want to go home.  I miss everyone and everything so much I can hardly stand it some days!  I'm just dreading the circumstances.

I haven't been home at all in the 2 1/2 years I've been here.  I've been trying to save up & plan for a trip for my husband and myself, but it's been taking a while.  My current plan was to go this next spring/summer, and make a proper holiday of it, including a road-trippy bit so that my husband could see a lot of the places that are important to me.

But my sister couldn't wait that long, and so despite me insisting that I didn't want them to do so, she got together with my mom & dad, and they're buying me a ticket home in October, so I can attend my cousin's wedding.

Now, this is a lovely gesture, but it's also problematic.  First, I'm not hopeful that we'll be able to afford for my husband to come along (I wouldn't ask or expect them to buy his ticket as well).  Second, I won't have the money saved up to do a lot of the shopping I was looking forward to (i.e. stocking up at Old Navy, Target, etc.), and any shopping I do will only eat into my savings and put me that much further back from our holiday goal.  But the part that's really worrying me is the actual family part.

My parents divorced when I was 18.  People think that means I avoided all the custody-battle stuff, but what it really means is that my parents (well, my mother) never had to learn to share nicely. 

Obviously, I'm excited to see my mother, and her family (who all live near the Twin Cities).  But, if I'm being honest, I'm slightly more excited to see my dad & family.  In the first place, they live in my hometown, and I've always been closer to them.  There are more of them.  I have a 14 year-old half-sister, and lots of nieces & nephews.  They have about 70% less family drama.  My cousins on that side are closer to my age, and we've always hung out.  They're a lot of fun, and I don't really get to have any of that in Scotland. Also, I really want to spend quality time with my dad, as he's undergoing prostate cancer treatment.  And, while the outlook is extremely good...there's always the 'what if.'  So it's really important to me to spend as much time with him as I can.

The thing is, any time I do spend with them will be held against me by my mother.  She'll accuse me of 'loving them more,' and I'll feel guilty because, although I love them all equally, I do like my dad's family more.  A hissy fit will be thrown (by her, not me.  Probably.).  And, although my dad wouldn't ever say anything to me about it, I know he'd prefer to have me there the whole time, and will feel I'm missing out on family time when I'm up north with my mom.  He already sounded slightly hurt when I said I'd be flying into Minneapolis instead of Chicago, even though it's just good logistics, since my mom's only about 20 minutes from the airport!

Basically, I'm not even leaving for 6 weeks, and I'm already having flashbacks to horrible Christmases filled with tears and recrimination.  And the fact that they're buying the ticket just makes it worse, because I can't even say 'It's my vacation, I don't owe anyone anything.'

So, on top of all the other worries about going home (and that's a whole separate post!), this really is the happiest trip I've ever dreaded.  Or maybe it's the most worrying trip I've ever looked forward to?  I dunno.  I'm just extremely ambivalent.

Well, I can certainly relate to the mother making you feel guilty about a relationship with your father business. For me, it had the opposite effect, and actually drove us closer together. Sounds like the same for you.

I guess if I were in your situation, I would still do what was most important to me whilst visiting. Believe me, I know it is hard because you are made to feel guilty and beholden, but at the end of the day you can't let them have that kind of power over you. I felt that way for years - so many decisions I made were based on wheat my mother would think/do/react. And so many decisions were wrong. I regret that more than choosing now to do what I want and maybe hurting someone's feelings. it's your life - own it!

Regardless, do try to enjoy yourself. 

Yikes! I do hope all goes more smoothly than you are imagining. The fact they bought the ticket doesn't mean you can't spend time where you want, doing what you want. It is a gift. Gifts are meant as that.

Because it has been so long since you have been back, and aren't sure when you will be there again, see who you want do what you want. You will be spending some time with your mom, but you will miss out on other people you love if you allow guilt to make you spend all your time with one person. You can make the most of the times you are with her, and if she can't understand that, as an adult, you have relationships with other people, she will be missing out on enjoying the times she is with you.

Easier said than done, I know. Family politics can get quite messy. Still, you should make the most of your time while you are there.

Oh how hard for you! Politics in families are a nightmare! I don't have a lot of advice, but I like Tama's argument that its a gift and is yours to use as you wish. Anyways I just hope the trip goes ok for you!

Oh how hard for you! Politics in families are a nightmare! I don't have a lot of advice, but I like Tama's argument that its a gift and is yours to use as you wish. Anyways I just hope the trip goes ok for you!

Thanks for the sympathy!  I'm pretty much over it now.  I know that, once I'm there, everyone will just have to put on their big girl panties and deal.

I really feel for you. Family stuff can be complicated, for sure, with competing expectations and needs and styles for dealing with conflicting views.

Thanks for the sympathy!  I'm pretty much over it now.  I know that, once I'm there, everyone will just have to put on their big girl panties and deal.

But this is a pretty good outlook about it all.