First post - looking for people who *understand!*

Hello!

This is my first post on this forum - I plucked up the courage after reading some threads and realising that there might be people here who are familiar with the stomach knots and fading hope of an LDR across the pond!

My situation: 40yo female Brit in love with a 45yo male American, 1 year and 1 day into this LDR. Wasn't looking for love and certainly wasn't looking to fall for someone on the other side of the world but it happened and my life is ever richer for that fact. Life is complicated by the fact that I am currently in the very early stages of an incredibly amicable divorce from a marriage that gently broke down about 3 years ago. I have not lived with my husband for 2 years and he knows of my new relationship and is very supportive. We have a pre-teen daughter who lives with her father in our family home whilst I rent a flat nearby - the nature of my almost-ex-husband's job means he is better placed for childcare, and we both wanted to ensure our daughter's life was not disrupted too much. Please don't judge me negatively by the fact that after 21 years with someone, we realised we were much better off as friends and remain a rather unconventional but happy family unit. . .

*anyway!* back to my point!

I fell in love with an American. A tad inconvenient in some respects! He's been to the UK five times, staying between a week and three weeks and we have also met one another in European cities for short breaks. We have Skyped daily, watch films together at the same time, send multiple emails and texts and photos and have just generally got under one another's skin! If you're on this forum, you probably know all about that

The thing is - the toll of being unable to fathom a way to be together has hit us recently and it's not quite as rosy as it used to be. I earn enough to sponsor him on a spouse visa (and I have very healthy savings) - but given that I am still, on paper, currently married to someone else, *that's* not going to happen! In addition, I've spent probably a total of about 12 weeks max with this chap in the past year - and holidays together do not really give an accurate portrayal of living 24/7 with one another. Due to having two new jobs (effectively, 2 steps up my career ladder) in the time that we've been together, I have been unable to get the holiday allowance to travel to the States but as he works freelance he's been better placed to come to the UK.

We have talked about him moving here but he's self employed and doesn't really fit any of the criteria for the tiered visas. He has skills that can be perfectly transferred to the UK - but can't find anyone to sponsor him despite applying for jobs here that he is over-qualified for. We didn't expect it to be easy! He loves the UK and as my daughter is here, it makes more sense for him to attempt to come here.

We've always believed that there will be a way. He's always been upbeat and positive that we should be together - I've historically been the one who has been more downbeat and sad about the unfairness of the distance! However, in the last month, we've had a couple of arguments that although relatively petty, we've both taken to heart and taken personally. He is now the downbeat one who, instead of talking about plans to move to the UK, is hinting at moving across the US to be closer to a family member. Of course, I feel rejected and I don't know what to do.

Sorry - this is a lengthy ramble.

I have savings and can support him. I'd like him to come over for an extended stay but the last time he came through UK immigration, he was grilled a little as to his intentions. He was honest (best policy!) and they stamped him through with a leave to stay of 6 months. Can someone explain in plain English to me what the implications of this stamp in his passport is? He currently doesn't have much savings and is shortly to move to a new rental house with a friend - would he be considered not to have enough of a tie to his home country according to UK immigration?

I am sure I am not the first person to rant about chicken-and-egg ridiculousness of the partner visa - how can we prove that we've lived together for 2 years if our respective countries won't allow us to be that long in one another's company?!?

Sorry for the length of this and if you've got this far, thank you for reading. I just thought I might find some solace, support and advice in the company of people who understood.

Very best wishes x

I have savings and can support him. I'd like him to come over for an extended stay but the last time he came through UK immigration, he was grilled a little as to his intentions. He was honest (best policy!) and they stamped him through with a leave to stay of 6 months. Can someone explain in plain English to me what the implications of this stamp in his passport is?

Most tourists receive a visa upon entry allowing them to stay for up to 6 months.  The stamp is a visa allowing you to stay in the UK however once  you leave the UK the visa is cancelled and upon returning to the UK you apply for a new visa.  In general tourists can visit for up to 6 months in a 12 month period at the discretion of the IO.

He currently doesn't have much savings and is shortly to move to a new rental house with a friend - would he be considered not to have enough of a tie to his home country according to UK immigration?

It would be better if had proof of a job to return to along with a rental agreement.  If he's been asked additional questions at entry, he should expect the same on return visits so he needs to show strong ties to the US.

I am sure I am not the first person to rant about chicken-and-egg ridiculousness of the partner visa - how can we prove that we've lived together for 2 years if our respective countries won't allow us to be that long in one another's company?!?

It's not easy but people manage by living together while going to school together in one or the other's country or one being on a work visa in the other's country.


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4725, I do understand. Don't worry about venting--I am sure I'm not the only person who has been through some of the same experiences as you.

The chicken-and-egg thing is discouraging. You are right to realize that "holidays together do not really give an accurate portrayal of living 24/7 with one another"--although 12 weeks in the past year is not bad! No matter what, a long-distance relationship always looks different once you are in the same house. I think in our situation it often happens that we get caught up in the practicalities of it--who is going to move? how difficult for him/her to get a visa?--and then we lose sight of the basic issues of the relationship, which would be the same for any couple moving to be together.

Anonymiss is right about your partner entering the UK (it would be the same for you entering the US). It is correct to be honest and also to have evidence that he is going to return to the US and not overstay here. I, personally, have never had to show my evidence but I have been asked. I know it is tricky for freelancers who cannot point to a regular job contract. He should be prepared to tell the immigration officer where he lives, and show that he has adequate funds for his stay, a return ticket, etc. I know it sounds stupid but I've known friends who have been tripped up at borders by such a simple question as "Where do you live?" and "How much cash do you have?" (One answered literally how much physical cash she had in her pocket; of course they did not care about that, they wanted to know she had bank accounts, a credit card, etc.)

It is normal to feel the strain but if you guys are meant to be together, you will both travel and find ways. Work towards a longer term solution which will be something positive to focus on.

I hope this is a little bit helpful.

The two year partner visa is not designed for people in your situation (or most people on here).  It is there for people who are living together, say as students or in another country.  We have had a few people here who have been workers on cruise ships who have used this visa.

The visa you would be looking at is either the fiancée or, if you are willing to get married beforehand, the visa for those who are married. Once you are able to do so, of course.

Hello - thank you *so* much for your replies.


For further information - he has his own business as a film-maker/photographer and although has worked for some large and well-known international companies, he is not contracted to any of them. This places him on a sticky wicket when it comes to proving that he in employment.

In addition, he always travels stand-by as he gets 'free' flights with a large US airline due to a family member having worked for them for a number of years. This is *excellent* in terms of him being able to come over here for the cost of the airline tax and is obviously why we have managed to see one another so often. Yes, I do thank my lucky stars! The major downside of this, however, is that he's unable to show a return ticket at immigration

He also divorced 10 years ago and his wife took *everything*. He has negligible savings and no property.

This is all going to sound very negative - but I am only writing it so that you can get the full picture of our dilemma. I am pretty confident that love will eventually find a way . . . I just have to learn to be patient! It's beginning to look like a fiance visa may be the only way forward . . . I shall have to consider that one very carefully. I love him but after 21 years of being married to someone else, I am not keen to jump out of the proverbial frying pan . . .

Thanks again for your advice. Clearly there have been success stories here so I remain positive.
x

don't give up 4725! I was in a very similar situation. I'm an American who met my Scottish husband while he was separated. We were together for 2 years before his divorce went through and as work visas in the uk are very difficult to get sometimes, we did the long distance thing for a looong time. It looked like a marriage and/or fiancée visa was the only way for us. I also travelled on standby as a family member of mine worked for a major airline as well. my husband and I were reluctant about moving forward with the marriage visa as he's divorced and didn't want to jump into marriage, and neither did I. I saved up and came over to the uk and stayed with him for 5 months. I realize not everyone can do this, but if you can afford it, it might really help. we were able to see if I could cope with being overseas from my family and also find out if we were compatible living together. I did have a return ticket when I came over and I did answer truthfully when asked why I was in the uk by the IO, and it wasn't an issue for us. once the 5 months ended, I went home to the states, I did all the research on obtaining a marriage visa and we got married. 1 month after that my visa was granted and ten days later, I was living in the UK.

so don't give up! if it's supposed to work out, it will there are people out there who have done it - like me - and it's the one thing in my life I will never regret