I have never been so confused...

So, I just reached my 3rd year anniversary of being in the UK. I moved after working in Dallas for two years right after my undergraduate. I came to the UK for many reasons, most of all to get out of a place that always frowned on being gay and deviating from the 'norm'. Don't get me wrong, I do have moments where I miss the States, but they are few and far between. Anyway, I came to the UK in 2010 to pursue my Masters degree, which I completed, but not before I met someone. He is from Scotland and we have been living together in a great relationship for over two years now. We both have good paying jobs and pretty much know we are going to be together for good. :-)

However, I am still on a Tier 1 PSW (great visa and a shame they don't offer it anymore). I have been planning for some time to propose to him and as his birthday is coming up, I am surprising him by a visit to meet his family for dinner in Scotland after I pop the question. This will be great for many reasons, one being a spousal visa. However, I have been torn as he has been talking about his desire to move to the states and see what it's all about. We have talked about it many many times. He is convinced it is a better life with more opportunity...which, I can see how one would think that. But I don't know, there is this internal conflict I have going back to a place that I feel like I ran away from because I couldn't be myself. I know that I grew up in the bible belt and there are definitely places in the UK that would be close minded, but it just feels like home now. I really don't know what to do. Is it worth taking that leap with my partner and moving to the states to try our luck? Or is this just another 'I want what I don't have' situation? (BTW, this all stems from the fact we are wanting a career move as our current jobs have become a bit stagnant).

I do miss my family sometimes, but to be quite honest, my sexuality is something we don't discuss and I think will always be an issue. I struggle thinking that I am over hear and my parents are getting older and older. Am I being selfish for following what I want? I sure feel like it sometimes.

Sorry for this long and somewhat mix-match of a post. I just typed what has been keeping me up for many nights. Thanks for any suggestions. :-)

I don't think you're selfish for wanting what you want. You've lived in both places so you have the comparison and your partner doesn't. Looking for a career move adds to 'the grass is greener' idea. It's obviously worth considering and talking over, but just like you don't want them to feel bad for wanting the adventure if moving to another country don't beat yourself up for wanting to stay where you're happy.


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Well there are certainly places in the US that are gay friendly - so if you were to move back, would you consider one of those places, rather than where you grew up?    Just one of many thoughts, as there is certainly a lot more goes into it all than that -career prospects, living - i.e. cost of living, quality of life, health, family, housing, etc -there is no one size fits all- 
Sounds like you both need to have a very long discussion about everything. 

Personally, I'd say I wanted to wait to consider it until you had your citizenship secured so you don't risk getting stuck like so many have with the anti-immigration camp changing the rules for the visas again. How many went away and then weren't able to return? Get your status solidified and then consider your choices about going back to the USA.

I agree with Cadenza, and say get your UK citizenship before you consider any moves.

We lived in the USA for 12 years before getting citizenship (5 years L1 visa, 2 years green card processing, followed by 5 years citizenship qualification period). Then my husband was asked to go on assignment overseas, and without citizenship we wouldn't have been able to consider the opportunity to travel and also to return 'home'.

I totally agree with everyone about citizenship, but unfortunately that will be 5 years away from when you switch to a spousal visa track.

I would really REALLY talk to your partner about your concerns/fears with living in the US again.  Is your family supportive and accepting that you are gay?  My very best friend in the world is gay and it took MANY years for her family to finally accept that she is gay and that it's not a bad thing (I hated that for her, I genuinely thought they would be more understanding).  And while her family is fully accepting now, I don't think she'll every *really* be able to be natural in front of her family when she has a partner around (no signs of affection, which is something that her straight sister CAN do).  I certainly hope this is not reflective of your circumstances with your family but if it is, you need to ensure your boyfriend understands how hard this can be for both of you.

At the same time, it could be very good for you to return to the US in a more gay-friendly area and allow you to experience genuine acceptance in your own country.  While the grass is not always greener, it can be if you move to the right place that will allow you a lifestyle you are comfortable with as well as a career path that offers more growth.

Good luck to you!

I agree that waiting until you have citizenship would be a good idea. I'd say it would be a good compromise with your partner - you're willing to consider moving to the US, but only after you have UK citizenship. That way if it doesn't work out then you can easily get back to the UK. However, I also agree with PB that there are lots of gay-friendly places to live in the US. Unless you absolutely have to move back to Texas, then you could start investigating other cities/job prospects.

Thank you so much for all of your responses. I really feel like it would be best for me to stay until I get citizenship, even though it's another 6 years. :-(

Unfortunately KFdancer, my family is not supportive. They neither agree with or wish to be around anyone gay. This puts me in a hard situation as I love my parents, but know it's better that I'm in another country.

Oh well, thanks again for all of your advice!!!

Ugh, I HATE that for you.

My BFF's parents took about 4 or 5 years to come around.  My hope for you is that your family will realize you are still YOU and you are not defined by your sexuality.  I say stay where you have support.