major indecision over relationship

so. me and hubby will be married 10 years on the 21st.
- we met online in 2001 (on a website for a band we both liked)
- we met in person in 2003
- i came over here and we married soon after.
- there was no proposal, just a discussion.
- there has always been zilcho passion - i can't recall the last time we had "relations"- ours has been more like kids dating or being with a best friend. sometimes i think i can live that and other times i think i will lose my mind if i don't get a crazy kiss or more
- we haven't been to counselling, i have mentioned it but then it gets forgotten. i suppose i would have to make it happen. it's just i'm pretty certain things won't change with it.
- i used to be a very independent person and all that died over here. he makes good money, i can't seem to find a job that keeps my interest (my ideal field seems to be refusing to hire me) and i feel like i'm in the '50s.
- i am seriously considering moving back to the states but i don't know where to (never florida again...maybe...) 
- i would feel bad because basically, he'd be paying for it (and for all my stuff- i came here with 10 boxes, i could leave with 10 boxes...)
- i've thought maybe just a separation to see how much we miss each other. and how much i would miss england. i would miss all kinds of stuff about it except the grey and freezing winters, almost certain i would definitely not miss that.
- i've considered just taking off to the states and if he wants to be with me/ live in america then he could follow up.
- it seems we are stuck here until the end of time because he really likes his job, where the surrounding housing is freakishly expensive and no where near proper nature or a body of water.
- i HATE this flat, i hate that we don't have a physical relationship and i hate other little things that just build up.
- i wonder.....if we were to split am i allowed to stay? i have indefinite leave to remain. does that mean even without him? or if i were to go to the states & hate it, could i move back on my own?

hmmmm........

For your last point, you have indefinite leave to REMAIN.  So you can stay whether you stay married or not.  However, if you leave for more than 2 years, you lose ILR, and would have to start the visa process over again.  A way around this would be to apply for citizenship.  Then you could come and go with no restrictions.

Best do luck on the other points.  Only you can decide what's best.  Have you talked to him about the physical aspect?  Is he just not bothered?

Sorry to hear that you're not feeling happy .

To answer your question about being able to stay in the UK, as you have ILR, your immigration status is independent of your relationship, so you can stay forever even if your relationship ends.

But ig you move back to the US, your ILR will only remain valid for 2 years after leaving... so if you do move back to the UK, you will have to do it within 2 years.

If more than 2 years has passed, your ILR will lapse and you will have to start from scratch with the entire visa process all over again... and if you are no longer in a relationship with a UK citizen, you would have to get a work or a student visa to be able to live in the UK again.

It would be a good idea to get UK citizenship before you make a decision on leaving - that way you will be able to move back to the UK whenever you like in the future and not have to worry about your ILR lapsing or qualifying for any visas. You would also have the right to live and work in any EU country as well.

thank you very much, both of you. i hadn't ever really considered citizenship unless it had to do with voting. i really feel i should be voting over here! so that's definitely something to look into! feeling better already! 

me and hub have barely talked about the problem (to be honest, the conversation tends to pop up after too many drinks- when i feel we should be able to talk about ANYTHING, sigh...) soberly, it's really uncomfortable!! and i fear the longer we wait, the more we will feel weird being intimate at all. like, he will give me a smooch before he goes to work and when he comes in and that's it. and even that is starting to feel alien...

I feel for you, and it's hard to know what to do. When you're in that situation just communicating with your partner is a tall order--even though that's also the only way forward.

The others are right that citizenship when you are eligible will be valuable to you. It gives you more options no matter what happens with your relationship and where you live in the future. Sometimes, just having something practical like that to work on can help you.

It sounds to me like it might be an idea to let him know you need to talk, without the benefit of a few drinks for courage. Just talk, see where you are headed as a couple, if you are where he wants to be, if he wants to get back on track as much as you do, or if it is time to part ways and continue with life. Easier said than done, I know, because those talks are never easy. Still a bit of discomfort getting started, and an honest, if potentially painful conversation seems better than prolonging the misery of uncertainty. If you feel counselling would help, talk to him about it, get his opinion, and help him understand you value your relationship and want it to be a happy one. If he agrees, make the appointment for as soon as possible so he can't forget.

I'd go ahead with citizenship. If you feel strongly enough about voting for that to be your one reason for becoming a citizen, it is a valid reason and meaningful. It may come in handy for other things once you have it.

woah!!! am i reading this right?! the test for citizenship is £50, fine, ok, but then all these other fees?? https://www.gov.uk/government/uploads/system/uploads/attachment_data/file/301380/Master_Fees_Leaflet_Apr_2014.pdf
at least £906? are they joking?!

woah!!! am i reading this right?! the test for citizenship is £50, fine, ok, but then all these other fees?? https://www.gov.uk/government/uploads/system/uploads/attachment_data/file/301380/Master_Fees_Leaflet_Apr_2014.pdf
at least £906? are they joking?!

There has been a high fee for citizenship for a number of years now - it just increased to £906 in April 2014, but it was £850 in 2013 and £836 in 2011.

You shouldn't have to pay more than the £906 application fee for citizenship though, plus £50 for the Life in the UK test if you haven't taken it yet (most people will have already taken it in order to get their ILR).

All the other fees in that table are for different types of application (i.e. if you have claim to UK citizenship through your parents and need to register as a citizen).

yeah, i hadn't looked into it before today so was completely taken by surprise! i dunno...might have to have another think...i don't have the queen's money laying around after all