My entire family has pretty much written me off an I haven't even left yet!

Hi MelfromLou, I can sort of relate to what you're going through, too. I lived in Edinburgh for three years, during which time I met my now-husband. When I told my mom back in the U.S. that I'd met someone, she started crying, and they weren't tears of joy. For the next 18 months I was in Edinburgh, she constantly guilt tripped me, in turns screaming down the phone at me or giving me silent treatment. She came to visit and threatened suicide. I eventually gave in and went back to the U.S. when my visa expired and had to live with her and my dad as I had no money. But I told her I was going back to the UK eventually. Rather than be grateful I came back, she said, "oh great, so your time here will just be like a countdown to go back."
Now I'm finally returning to Edinburgh in September (after 2.5 years of long distance) and she's back to talking about "oh, won't you miss me," "can you visit us without your husband," "you must make a solemn vow to move back in 3 years."

So I know what kind of hurt and distress it is causing you. In my life, the bitterest pill to swallow is when the people who are supposed to love you the most actually hurt you the most.


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It seems bad to say to I'm glad I'm not alone because I don't want other people to feel the pain I've felt but at the same time it does make me feel a little bit better, not that you all got hurt too, just that it's not completely out of the blue.  Your mother's emotional blackmail is pure crap.  I often lament that my mom wouldn't know if I were alive or dead unless I told her but I think I prefer that to what your mother does.  Either way, it hurts and it scars.  I find myself often saying to myself "well I'll show them! I'll just leave without saying goodbye" but a dear friend in all sincerity asked me "how long do you think it would take them to notice you were gone".  Ouch.

These posts are hard to read. So much heartbreak at something which should be so joyous.

Sorry to bum you out.  I have to say though, it's funny you said that about the joy because seriously the only people who have said that to me have been near strangers. For I had an organizer, a lady I hired to help me get started with cleaning out closets and stuff, not because they were that dirty or bad but because I was a deer in headlights and just couldn't move forward.  Anyway, she said to me after our 4th visit something about family helping at the yardsale and I tried to downplay it and say it wasn't really their thing and they were pretty hands off and she could see I was trying to hide it and she actually put her arms around me and said "Your family is robbing you of the joy this should be giving you!  I really hope you have someone that is happy for you and helps you find joy you deserve" It was both sweet and embarrassing. 

Sorry to bum you out. 

Not at all, it is important - and another part of the immigrant experience for a lot of people.

Sorry to bum you out.  I have to say though, it's funny you said that about the joy because seriously the only people who have said that to me have been near strangers. For I had an organizer, a lady I hired to help me get started with cleaning out closets and stuff, not because they were that dirty or bad but because I was a deer in headlights and just couldn't move forward.  Anyway, she said to me after our 4th visit something about family helping at the yardsale and I tried to downplay it and say it wasn't really their thing and they were pretty hands off and she could see I was trying to hide it and she actually put her arms around me and said "Your family is robbing you of the joy this should be giving you!  I really hope you have someone that is happy for you and helps you find joy you deserve" It was both sweet and embarrassing.

I think sometimes it takes someone outside your family to really see you clearly for who you are. Family can take you for granted and may not truly see you for the individual you are, but may only see you as an extension of the family. Therefore, when you leave it's seen as betrayal of sorts. I think that's how my mom sees it. And over the years she has proven time and again that she doesn't see me as an individual, but more as an extension of herself. I'm jealous of families that have more functional relationships (albeit no family is perfect). My husband's family is like that.


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Genuinely my heart aches for you. That is absolute crap! I am sorry you have to deal with that.... Were they always like this or have you always been close and they've only started acting this way since you announced your move? If it's only since announcing your move, I agree that it has to be some sort of denial or unhappy realization that you won't be around anymore like you were before [which is quite selfish - but somewhat understandable to a degree even though they should not be putting that on you].

As you mentioned, you don't want to be a person that ends up bitter thinking "what if" because that is an even worse place to be! You can always fly home to visit [or permanently if you decide it's not the place for you, although that is expensive], or pitch it like I did as a "now you have a new place to come visit for a reason!" but you can't undo choices you've never made... I bet they don't even realize that their behavior is actually pushing you further away and if I were in your situation I would be thinking "of course I want to go! you aren't making it very appealing to stay!" but that is just me...

I'm jealous of families that have more functional relationships (albeit no family is perfect). My husband's family is like that.


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Well, the good news here is that you will be living with them soon and they are your family now too!

Genuinely my heart aches for you. That is absolute crap! I am sorry you have to deal with that.... Were they always like this or have you always been close and they've only started acting this way since you announced your move? If it's only since announcing your move, I agree that it has to be some sort of denial or unhappy realization that you won't be around anymore like you were before [which is quite selfish - but somewhat understandable to a degree even though they should not be putting that on you].

As you mentioned, you don't want to be a person that ends up bitter thinking "what if" because that is an even worse place to be! You can always fly home to visit [or permanently if you decide it's not the place for you, although that is expensive], or pitch it like I did as a "now you have a new place to come visit for a reason!" but you can't undo choices you've never made... I bet they don't even realize that their behavior is actually pushing you further away and if I were in your situation I would be thinking "of course I want to go! you aren't making it very appealing to stay!" but that is just me...

You're so right.  They aren't making feel like I'm going to miss them. I know I will when the time comes to leave because I know me.  But right now, I mostly just feel angry and hurt.  I talked to my mother since my first post on this and laid right out on the line that I feel like a pariah, no one ever calls to see how I'm doing or ask if they can help or just check that I'm still alive.

 Have they always been like that... well no, we used to be very close all of us.  It had changed some as we got into our 20's and 30's but still we were close. My mother and father were never ones to call me though. I always went to see them. So that's nothing new. I just don't do that anymore. I got tired of being the one making all the phone calls and all the effort.

 I was married before and everyone loved my ex-husband.  In fact all of them are friends with him on Facebook    Just for the record I have no ill-will toward my ex but clearly we didn't stay married so there were definite problems.  My mother, to this day will say "I miss Jeff so much" so, I bet you can guess where this is going?  They have always been cordial to my husband but deep down in my heart I am sure they do not like him, so over the last 9 years we've been living here in Kentucky together my family has definitely been more an more distant.  He is nothing like my ex which is why after 13 years together we are still together.  My ex was the life of the party, huge sports fan (I HATE sports) always joking, silly and never serious, got us into huge financial trouble and drank too much but, they love him. They weren't married to him!  My current husband is much more cerebral and serious.  And of course as so many on here have said the British sense of humor is quite different. (I'm a huge fan, but my family really doesn't get it) We have so much more in common than I had with my ex and I am much happier with him and that is all that really matters.  And if they are going to make me choose in their passive aggressive way, well, guess what? I choose him.

You're so right.  They aren't making feel like I'm going to miss them. I know I will when the time comes to leave because I know me.  But right now, I mostly just feel angry and hurt.  I talked to my mother since my first post on this and laid right out on the line that I feel like a pariah, no one ever calls to see how I'm doing or ask if they can help or just check that I'm still alive.

 Have they always been like that... well no, we used to be very close all of us.  It had changed some as we got into our 20's and 30's but still we were close. My mother and father were never ones to call me though. I always went to see them. So that's nothing new. I just don't do that anymore. I got tired of being the one making all the phone calls and all the effort.

 I was married before and everyone loved my ex-husband.  In fact all of them are friends with him on Facebook    Just for the record I have no ill-will toward my ex but clearly we didn't stay married so there were definite problems.  My mother, to this day will say "I miss Jeff so much" so, I bet you can guess where this is going?  They have always been cordial to my husband but deep down in my heart I am sure they do not like him, so over the last 9 years we've been living here in Kentucky together my family has definitely been more an more distant.  He is nothing like my ex which is why after 13 years together we are still together.  My ex was the life of the party, huge sports fan (I HATE sports) always joking, silly and never serious, got us into huge financial trouble and drank too much but, they love him. They weren't married to him!  My current husband is much more cerebral and serious.  And of course as so many on here have said the British sense of humor is quite different. (I'm a huge fan, but my family really doesn't get it) We have so much more in common than I had with my ex and I am much happier with him and that is all that really matters.  And if they are going to make me choose in their passive aggressive way, well, guess what? I choose him.

I always find the one that makes you do the choosing is often the one that loses out - that is why I would never give somebody and ultimatum [my thoughts are that anybody that makes you choose, isn't really work it because they don't care enough about you].

I know what you mean about the missing bit. Ultimately is it the situation where you are angry but you want to not care so you tell yourself you don't and that you won't miss them and that they aren't making you want to stay but deep down you know it's not true as all the bad times will wash away when you're packing up and ready to head to the airport? Because that is EXACTLY how I'd be. Also, it's easier to feel anger than it is genuine unhappiness/sadness, if that makes sense? It's far easier to be mad for the way they've treated you as you can make sense of that in your head but it's far harder to genuinely say you've upset me and I want you to make me feel better.

Maybe, if they liked your ex that much, pulling away and becoming distant was subconsciously a way to make you realize "the error of your ways" in their eyes? Like they would never tell you that they don't approve as they don't have a reason to disapprove and they think your husband is nice enough but maybe they think if they distance themselves you will miss the way things were before and realize you are making the wrong choice in life? Or maybe they think they are doing you or themselves a favor by not putting themselves in a situation they don't agree with or understand [as you say, they don't quite get his humor and he's more reserved so maybe they find it awkward]? I'm sure they also probably feel some sense that he is taking you away from them, even though you've made it clear that this is what you want. My sister STILL makes jokes about how i left everything behind that I love and that my husband came to steal me away. My husband and family joke back and forth about it all the time but i think in some situations, families can genuinely feel like your other half is literally taking you away from them and they resent that and act accordingly. Unfortunately not much you can do but continue to voice your feelings and rise above it. Try to make an effort but let them meet you half way and if they don't, knowing you feel the way you do, that is on them and not you m'dear!

I always find the one that makes you do the choosing is often the one that loses out - that is why I would never give somebody and ultimatum [my thoughts are that anybody that makes you choose, isn't really work it because they don't care enough about you].

I know what you mean about the missing bit. Ultimately is it the situation where you are angry but you want to not care so you tell yourself you don't and that you won't miss them and that they aren't making you want to stay but deep down you know it's not true as all the bad times will wash away when you're packing up and ready to head to the airport? Because that is EXACTLY how I'd be. Also, it's easier to feel anger than it is genuine unhappiness/sadness, if that makes sense? It's far easier to be mad for the way they've treated you as you can make sense of that in your head but it's far harder to genuinely say you've upset me and I want you to make me feel better.

Maybe, if they liked your ex that much, pulling away and becoming distant was subconsciously a way to make you realize "the error of your ways" in their eyes? Like they would never tell you that they don't approve as they don't have a reason to disapprove and they think your husband is nice enough but maybe they think if they distance themselves you will miss the way things were before and realize you are making the wrong choice in life? Or maybe they think they are doing you or themselves a favor by not putting themselves in a situation they don't agree with or understand [as you say, they don't quite get his humor and he's more reserved so maybe they find it awkward]? I'm sure they also probably feel some sense that he is taking you away from them, even though you've made it clear that this is what you want. My sister STILL makes jokes about how i left everything behind that I love and that my husband came to steal me away. My husband and family joke back and forth about it all the time but i think in some situations, families can genuinely feel like your other half is literally taking you away from them and they resent that and act accordingly. Unfortunately not much you can do but continue to voice your feelings and rise above it. Try to make an effort but let them meet you half way and if they don't, knowing you feel the way you do, that is on them and not you m'dear!

I'm sorry, for some reason I am just now seeing this! Thank you for your heartfelt response and consideration.  I'm sure much of what you said is true. (if not all of it) Nothing has changed.  My mother's birthday was last Thursday.  Since I saw them last, I have sold my home, packed and shipped my belongings,  moved into an apartment, and said goodbye to my husband who has gone ahead of me to Scotland to work.  Not one single one of them during this process ever offered to help or concern themselves with any of it other than to come take what I was giving away.  At the dinner not one of them, none of the 10 (parents siblings, nieces) of them asked me about my husband, how he was or any questions about how I am doing on my own and working through the visa process (which they are aware of because of FB) I need to give up.  I cried all the way home that night and I let it keep me in a funk for three days.  I really gotta let it go!