Leaving a teenage child behind?

One of my (UKC) stepsons (USC), desperately doesn't want to move to the UK. He's been here for a month on a tourist visa and barely left his room, says he hates everything about England and loves everything about his home (rural TN). He's not ever going to be a good candidate for travel and new experiences, everything new is bad, everything not American is bad, he's very closed minded and scared of everything (people would make fun of his accent, everyone hates America etc). My husband and other stepson are still planning to move early next year, but we're at a loss as to what to do with the older one. He's 16 nearly 17 by time they move, no contact with his bio-mother but is close to his aunt and grandmother who haven't helped matters by saying he can stay there and they'll support him. Has anyone been in this situation before? What can they do in terms of guardianship? We don't want to leave him behind as we belief the UK offers the better opportunities for him longer term - even with him moving back to USA in a few years the time spent in UK would have been beneficial. My husbands told him he can stay as he's made it clear that if we forced him he'd makemail us aware how unhappy he was and thts not an environment we want for our other children. He's very immature and has little interest in anything outside his PS4 and latest sports shoes, has no means of financial independence , and would be living in a 3 bed house with 6 other people so im not sure he could convince a judge to emancipate him. We're torn between forcing him for his own good; and not, for the sake of our relationship and our other two children. Appreciate any advice.

He's very immature and has little interest in anything outside his PS4 and latest sports shoes

Sixteen can be a tough age...

Can you delay moving until after he graduates high school?  I think 16 would be a REALLY hard age to try to integrate into a life in the UK.  The education systems are SO different and if he isn't on board, it might not in well.

The problem is with delaying a move until after older one graduates, is that it delays the move for the younger one who we want to have settled in and adjusted to UK schooling before his GCSE years start - if he stays with family in USA he would finish his education anyway, but lower any chance he had of moving to UK if he changed his mind later if he missed his dad & brother.

He would be home schooled anyway (as he is right now as they've just moved within TN) so he'd complete the US high school style courses but while in the UK, we'd then either home educate for GCSEs or send him to the local college to do them/auto mechanic vocational training which is what he wants to do in US.

Normally I wouldn't comment in a thread about parenting in the UK since my USC children are both in their 30's now, but I have a very strong gut feeling this young man should be given the right to make his own choice in this matter.  Granted he isn't legally (and from what you say not emotionally) an adult, but he is at an age where resentments run deep and last a very, very long time.

The problem is with delaying a move until after older one graduates, is that it delays the move for the younger one who we want to have settled in and adjusted to UK schooling before his GCSE years start - if he stays with family in USA he would finish his education anyway, but lower any chance he had of moving to UK if he changed his mind later if he missed his dad & brother.

Your stepson should be told his decision will possibly reduce his options in the future - he should be given as much information about the repercussions of his choice on his future... at least the foreseeable ones.

You may be correct that a year or two in the UK would be a great experience for this young man, and it probably would be if he was willing to embrace it.  However, there is very little possibility of benefit to him if he is fighting the experience tooth and nail.  Very few people in my experience can out stubborn an adolescent with strong opinions.  I can envision a home with a black cloud of resentment, anger, and the willingness to share it with you, his dad, and his siblings.  Everything bad that happens to him will be because you both "ruined his life forever" by forcing him to leave his beloved home against his will.  Dramatic?  Oh yeah, but not the good kind, and one that could likely turn very toxic for the rest of your family.

This is a really difficult situation for you and your family, and I'm likely overstepping to be so strongly opinionated about it when I don't know the entire story.

Honestly, I feel you might be overestimating the advantages of a move to the UK for your stepson.  Leaving aside the issue of schooling, and the difficulty he might encounter by having 'nonstandard' qualifications when applying for jobs, internships, etc., those opportunities are in fairly short supply.  While, from an 'earn while you learn' vs 'pay tuition' standpoint it might seem preferable to have him train in the UK, getting the internship isn't as easy as registering at the local Community College.

There's also the issue of portability in qualifications.  A City & Guilds or NVQ isn't going to mean much if he goes back to the US.  His working experience would help, but he'd still be missing out on, for example, certain manufacturer certifications.

And then, of course, there's the happiness factor.  Some people are more adventurous than others, some are more adaptable, or resilient, or whatever.  That's great, but I think it's important to try to avoid thinking of people who aren't , as somehow flawed, and to think they can be 'fixed' if they just try hard enough.

It sounds as though this young man has already had to deal with moving recently, and having his life uprooted at a very delicate time in his life. This may simply be too much for him to deal with, and, as Becca was saying, a set-back at this stage of his life-- whether emotional/social or educational/vocational, could have a lifelong impact.

So, provided he's given all the info, on all his options (including what happens once he's 18--  remember, under-25s are excluded from most UK benefits, including housing benefit, and under-21s are often paid at a lower wage, so he may be stuck at home with you for years), and provided you and your partner are confident that his other family members can be relied upon to provided a safe home for as long as he needs one, then I would urge you to respect his wishes and let him stay in TN.

Immigration can be tough on anyone, even with the best intentions and circumstances.  Forcing it on an uncooperative teenager is unlikely to end well.

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Thanks for all the input, we had been leaning towards leaving him recently - though not because we think it'd be better for him because I can't honestly say we think it would be, despite the challenges - but because his resistance & negativity could cause an issue for the rest of the family.

Although he has relatives that have offered to support him (and that he wants to stay with) they don't work, they dont have adequately sized housing for the number of people living there, he couldn't get the kind of support with school work he would get from us, and they've repeatedly gone behind his dads back in their dealings with him, along with telling child one thing and the complete opposite to my partner. I don't trust them, and I can't help but wonder whats in it for them? I suspect more financial rather than entirely altrustic reasons.

As I said, we have told him he can stay, but with the proviso that he and his prospective caregiver start the legal process for them to take over responsibility for him/him for himself asap so his Dad can leave with confidence that someone has parental responsibility for him should it be needed over the next 18 months or so.