Mean mom with cancer

Hello, I've made a fake profile to remain anonymous bc I don't want my mother to come across this. This is also a bit shameful for me bc I know how it appears.
I have two questions. First, do children have the right to speak with the doctors of parents with cancer?
Second. Has anyone chosen to leave behind a terminally ill family member to be with their foreign partner?
A bit it info. My mom has been diagnosed with cancer. It's spreading or has spread. Thing is she seems to make the diagnosis up as she goes. Several years ago, it was stage 1 breast cancer but she said it was actually stage 4. Said she had emphysema FOR SURE but then not that. Now it's asthma. She quit her job bc she can't speak but she never stops talking and she sounds fine to me. She's been dying since I was a kid but this is the first time the doctors seem to agree. It's always been HUGE drama in my house. EVERYTHING revolves around it ALL the time. I promise I'm not exaggerating. That's all she really talks about or does. And that's all anyone else is allowed to think about too.
More info. She's brutally cruel to my father. Abusive. Tells him what a horrible person he is all the time. She can't be nice. He does EVERYTHING for her and always has. It's far extremes. She's exceedingly controlling to the point of training staff at restaurants to bring her specific dishes for her meals and more. There's too much to list but I'm stuck living here. I listen to the constant degradation of my father, the screaming has started again, I have no privacy, extreme rules and no freedom. She tells people she's helping me to save money but she charges me for whatever she can. Also she fakes attacks to regain control or attention. She's two faced and manipulative, I don't think anyone has ever told her what a jerk she really is.
I want to know her REAL diagnosis and to be honest, I would leave anyway the moment I can. But she is still my mom and I want to be supportive but from a distance.

I don't think doctors can discuss world the patient's ok. When my mil had hours to live, we were in the hospital room with her and the doctor came in and asked if it was ok to discuss stuff in front of us.

I hope she is ok. I hope you are ok. I hope your dad is ok x

Sent from my SM-G920F using Tapatalk

What a horrible situation to be in :-( I feel so bad for you having to.put up with this. The doctor can't and won't tell you anything. Maybe offer to go with her on an appointment. Surely she would be having chemo or some kind of treatment?

At the end of the day, you have to do what's best for you. I understand this is a tough situation and you should remove yourself from any negativity, but don't rush to "run away" to be with your partner either. It's a long and hard process that shouldn't be taken lightly.

She's avoided any kind of western medicine until recently. I do believe she's very sick this time but she adds so much to it that it's hard to know what to believe.
I'm trying to schedule a visit to my husband in time for Xmas to fill the gap until we can apply for the spouse visa. I struggle every day to not tell her how much I hate how she treats my dad and others. I get very angry and the situation is very stressful and toxic. She constantly tells me how poorly I'm doing being a guest and daughter.
I feel guilty for not wanting to be there bc I DO want to be there. She's always been this way but it's gotten worse. I think she's even started hitting my dad but I haven't seen anything outright. I suppose I'm just hoping there's some type of validation that I'm not doing the wrong thing. I'll do it regardless, guess I'm looking for the get out of jail free card.

Aye horrible situation for you to be in BUT:

No Dr would discuss any aspect of your mothers care/diagnosis/prognosis with you unless they had her consent.
Even the Nurses shouldn't be discussing your mum's care etc with you without her consent. They usually will ask in front of the patient is it okay if i discuss this/that with your son/daughter/neice/whomever.
I had a very close freind who passed away over 4 years ago now, He ended up on a ventilator. I was such close friends with the whole family(honourary aunt to their kids etc) that she (the wife) asked I be brought in to decisions and have access to his condition.. she could do that as he no longer had the ability to give consent so it went to her and her sons who all wanted me there. x
One of the most held rules in health care.

I suppose I will have to decide to ask for permission or let it go xx thank you all

Do you have any access to professional counseling? Maybe through work?  It might be worth it as there seems to be some important issues. 

My first advice would be to take care of yourself first.  Your mother's drama or health problems are not your responsibility.  Your dad's abuse or not is not your responsibility.  If you need to go away from your family and be supportive from far away, you should not feel guilty doing that.

One last thing, if you or your dad are not safe, call the police.  If you aren't sure , call a domestic violence hot line.

Ah, I did not know you were married and looking to get the spouse visa. In that case you've already thought about the future.so ignore the last bit I said.

I agree with jimbocz about counselling and the domestic abuse hotline. The abuse is unacceptable, and using illness as an excuse is not right.

You have every right to get on with your life. You sound like you're in a toxic situation and could use the break.

I'm so sorry you're in this situation. I have pretty strong feelings about this kind of thing, but I'll keep it civil here! You need to do what's right for you. Blood ties don't mean you have to keep people in your life who make you miserable. I strongly second the therapy recommendation.

If you're on Reddit, you might find the "Raised by Narcissists" and "Just No MIL" subreddits helpful.