Question I've had on my mind (and please be gentle)

Definitely agree about any reason being valid. Even though I am a person who believes that you shouldn't necessarily wait for perfection because there will always be something in the way, I definitely do think it's important to make sure that you are personally ready/prepared.

Oh I've got lots to say.  I'll chime in later when things settle a bit around here and if I have any brain cells left.   

Oh I've got lots to say.  I'll chime in later when things settle a bit around here and if I have any brain cells left.   

hahaha think your brain cells have a free pass!

No matter what you decide, it'll be the right choice.

I can't see myself NOT becoming a mother someday.  If it doesn't happen, I'll be heartbroken.  That's regardless of whether my family is around me or not.  However, I grew up thousands of miles from my grandmother and she and I were still extremely close when I was a child.  Even though we only saw her one or two times a year, I still adored her and had a relationship with her.  In fact, one of the reasons I chose my undergrad was to be nearer to her.  And the technology is better now than it was twenty years ago, so if you're far from your parents, you can still have family skypes.

What I'm trying to do now in the few years before we have kids is to establish our own little family routines.  Might not be grandma's house for Sunday lunch but it'll be something we look forward to just as much.  So that's how I'm dealing with not being very close to the family.

Childbirth freaks me out as well.  I've trained my husband to tell the doctors that I want 'all the drugs.'   

Maybe it seems like a bigger deal to me because I grew up close by to both sets of grandparents and I always thought I'd have the same situation for my kids - especially seeing my nieces and nephews having that.


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I've been thinking a lot about this topic since I've seen it.

For starters, Ms. x0Kiss0fDeath (lol), no matter your reasons to have or not to have children are yours and whatever you decide is the right one for you. You don't need to justify your decision to anyone.

Regarding the subject of not having family support, I will tell you that I understand entirely where all of you are coming from. I moved 750 miles away from home to marry my boyfriend and start a new life in 1990. We were married for a year when he told me that he changed his mind on having a child with me. The next week, I found out I was pregnant. We ended up splitting up when our son was six-months-old and I was 22. I stayed in Houston with my son because I had a job and an apartment. I could only afford to see my Dad and sister and her family once a year so I had no choice but to be independent.

I met my Englishman in 1993 and moved to England in 1995. He's from the north but we lived in Reading so again, we were far away from any family. Interestingly, my husband told me that he was happy just being a stepfather and didn't want to have a child when we were so far from any kind of family support. I agreed with him. In 1997, I missed one day of a BC pill and in September, we welcomed a son.  In 1998, he got a job in Europe traveling to various countries but was based in Germany. He moved away and I stayed in Wokingham by myself with the kids because my son was already in school. We saw each other 72 days a year for four years.

In 1999, my husband bought us a house near his parents in Bolton so I could have "support" while he was away. I thought it was the best solution and I envisioned my husband's family helping me since their son was in Europe and they lived four miles away. It turned out to be a HUGE disappointment. They visited us once a month, if I was lucky, for four hours.

One day, I discovered my MIL would take three buses to visit her daughter 10 miles away and she hardly saw us. That was the day I finally decided that I was independent enough to not need "family support". If I saw them for four hours, fine. If I didn't, that was fine too. I ended up having another child in 2001 and I was good on my own. In 2002, my husband lost his job and came home due to the telecoms crash. In 2004, after we exhausted our savings, we left the country and moved to the US to live with my Dad until we could get my husband a "Green Card". Guess who cried the hardest when we left? The in-laws.

Our family ended up moving to Chicago, Austin, Atlanta and back to Houston within four years. We have no family close by or very many friends. My father passed away in 2011.  I don't pine for "family support" any more. I think we do pretty well. My children are grown now and my oldest is a father. I think that the best thing I can do for him is to give him the space to do things on his own. He'll have to, as my husband and I are moving to England in 2019.

So, in all that rambling, it's wonderful to have family around but at the end of it all, you'll have to do the hard stuff on your own. Plus, you live in a world of the internet and social media and your family is never too far away because of it.

Btw, my father was a Mexican citizen and his daughters were foreign-born in the USA. It wasn't so bad being showered with attention when we visited Mexico. Our cousins used to think we were very exotic and found it crazy that we spoke Spanish with an American accent and that our lives were so different.  It was very nice indeed

Hi I had my daughter six years ago in the UK and have found it difficult if I'm honest. I feel it would prob have been easier for me if I was in the US with family support. Bescause I  found it hard I decided not to have another. I feel my daughter can have friends instead of siblings. I think I are rite to be concerned about family support but will make the best decision for u

Hi I had my daughter six years ago in the UK and have found it difficult if I'm honest. I feel it would prob have been easier for me if I was in the US with family support. Bescause I  found it hard I decided not to have another. I feel my daughter can have friends instead of siblings. I think I are rite to be concerned about family support but will make the best decision for u

Hiya - I'm sorry you've found it difficult

Question for you: was it a lack of support overall or just none of your family that made it difficult?


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Don't discount the biggest thing you will gain from having a kid here:  All of a sudden you'll become accepted as a part of the community and feel like it really is home.  At least that's been my experience, we can't walk down the road without running into people we know and it's all because of the kids and school.   We know all the neighbors as well and we chat to people at the playground all the time.  Right or wrong, society is geared around being a family with children and when you do that, you fit in.  When you fit in, you are happy and feel at home here. 

Also since I have had kids I feel that we are our own family and not having support from another family is no big deal.  We are making our own traditions and environment the way we want it to be and I'm perfectly happy that I get to be chief and not listen to someone else tell me the way it should be.  Seeing the extended family every few months or years is OK by me. 

I think what you are saying is that you are nervous about having children far from your family and home.  In my experience having kids will make here your home and your family will be here as well. 

I personally feel that this doubt is just your brain getting used to the idea and soon you will be in full broody mode. 

Can definitely see where you're coming from but I do honestly feel like I belong already. I do think, however, that it becomes easier to make "adult friends" once you have kids as you go to play groups/school events/etc. and are likely to make friends along the way. I definitely don't feel like an outsider, but I do admit that our friends are starting to settle down and star their own families so we are getting to a point where that divide might start happening and we'll start fitting back in with our friend group when/if we have kids ourselves but thankfully there are also still a bunch of our friends that we spend more time with who don't have kids yet and may not ever.

Either way, I think I definitely want to travel more to places that aren't as family friendly first before revisiting the whole kids topic and what we want/when we want it with my husband, but you're right in that I'm nervous at the idea of having family away from my family because I always thought that when I had kids, they'd be raised in a similar family environment to how I was raised but that was obviously before I met my husband.

We'll see I guess! Only time will tell!


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Okay, make a cup of tea or grab a beer - I think it's going to be a long one.

I would have been 100% in life had I not had kids.  I am very career focused and have other outlets in life that bring me great joy.  I do NOT thinking that knowing that you don't want kids is selfish at ALL.  I think it takes a strong woman to say they don't want kids.  I kind of figured I wouldn't have kids, but knew I didn't need to make any quick decisions.

After I met my husband, I knew that I did want kids.  He's amazing and I knew we'd be a great team together.  If I was going to have kids with anyone, it was going to be him.  We decided to go for it and got pregnant with our daughter very quickly.  I was pretty surprised at my inlaws.  No real excitement for their first grandbaby.  They were "pleased" but certainly not involved.  They've never once offered to babysit so we could go on a date or anything like that (daughter just turned 3).

Meanwhile, my mother would KILL to be involved with any of her grandkids (my brother is a 4 hour flight away from them and he has 3 kids), I'm a 10 hour flight away.  Every single Sunday we Facetime with my mom and dad and my daughter knows my parents WAY more than she knows my inlaws (though she absolutely loves my inlaws as well).

I always thought I would adopt.  But adoption in the UK is very hard.  Add in an international relationship and it gets really complex, really quick.  So in the end we went about it the old fashioned way with adoption in our back pocket.

Took a year of trying to make #2 happen.  Wasn't the best timing when it did.  These things have a way of working out though.

Trying to sort childcare for #1 while I was going in for #2 proved interesting.  I took a selfie yesterday as I DROVE MYSELF HOME from the hospital (alone), because I DROVE MYSELF TO THE HOSPITAL (alone).  That's the reality sometimes of a bare bones support network.

But we do feel a part of the community now.  I have had several friends stop by today with "early baby" sized clothes as they knew we had "tiny baby" but not early.  I can't walk 10 feet in town without bumping into someone I know.  I do feel like I belong here a bit now.  Though I do still hope to go to the US at some point (probably when my daughter enters secondary school).

Basically you will build your own support network.  It's not the same as family.  And I'd really recommend to ANYONE kids or not to always budget in an annual trip home.  The reality that starting next year or two we'll have to buy 4 tickets during school holidays to the US is no joke!

My life has taken so many twists and turns in my 36 years.  And I wouldn't change one twist or one turn (a few small things I wish I had experienced but I think we all have that).  I am really enjoying being a mom.  And I still give myself permission to work fulltime and kick ass in the professional world and in the board room.  I love my children but a bit like Miranda from Sex and the City "I am politically incorrectly happy to be at work" when I'm there.  My daughter LOVES nursery school and hopefully my son will too.  Outside of work, I just love playing with my daughter.  She is SO fun and SO funny.  Yes, we have tough times (if I told you the full story of this week, you'd be amazed, hasn't been a fun one).  But I am glad I'm a mom.  Even without my mom nearby.

But I do know, in my heart, if I had not had children I would have been 100% happy too.  My life would have been different but it would have still been fabulous.   

But I do know, in my heart, if I had not had children I would have been 100% happy too.  My life would have been different but it would have still been fabulous.   

Okay, make a cup of tea or grab a beer - I think it's going to be a long one.

I would have been 100% in life had I not had kids.  I am very career focused and have other outlets in life that bring me great joy.  I do NOT thinking that knowing that you don't want kids is selfish at ALL.  I think it takes a strong woman to say they don't want kids.  I kind of figured I wouldn't have kids, but knew I didn't need to make any quick decisions.

After I met my husband, I knew that I did want kids.  He's amazing and I knew we'd be a great team together.  If I was going to have kids with anyone, it was going to be him.  We decided to go for it and got pregnant with our daughter very quickly.  I was pretty surprised at my inlaws.  No real excitement for their first grandbaby.  They were "pleased" but certainly not involved.  They've never once offered to babysit so we could go on a date or anything like that (daughter just turned 3).

Meanwhile, my mother would KILL to be involved with any of her grandkids (my brother is a 4 hour flight away from them and he has 3 kids), I'm a 10 hour flight away.  Every single Sunday we Facetime with my mom and dad and my daughter knows my parents WAY more than she knows my inlaws (though she absolutely loves my inlaws as well).

I always thought I would adopt.  But adoption in the UK is very hard.  Add in an international relationship and it gets really complex, really quick.  So in the end we went about it the old fashioned way with adoption in our back pocket.

Took a year of trying to make #2 happen.  Wasn't the best timing when it did.  These things have a way of working out though.

Trying to sort childcare for #1 while I was going in for #2 proved interesting.  I took a selfie yesterday as I DROVE MYSELF HOME from the hospital (alone), because I DROVE MYSELF TO THE HOSPITAL (alone).  That's the reality sometimes of a bare bones support network.

But we do feel a part of the community now.  I have had several friends stop by today with "early baby" sized clothes as they knew we had "tiny baby" but not early.  I can't walk 10 feet in town without bumping into someone I know.  I do feel like I belong here a bit now.  Though I do still hope to go to the US at some point (probably when my daughter enters secondary school).

Basically you will build your own support network.  It's not the same as family.  And I'd really recommend to ANYONE kids or not to always budget in an annual trip home.  The reality that starting next year or two we'll have to buy 4 tickets during school holidays to the US is no joke!

My life has taken so many twists and turns in my 36 years.  And I wouldn't change one twist or one turn (a few small things I wish I had experienced but I think we all have that).  I am really enjoying being a mom.  And I still give myself permission to work fulltime and kick ass in the professional world and in the board room.  I love my children but a bit like Miranda from Sex and the City "I am politically incorrectly happy to be at work" when I'm there.  My daughter LOVES nursery school and hopefully my son will too.  Outside of work, I just love playing with my daughter.  She is SO fun and SO funny.  Yes, we have tough times (if I told you the full story of this week, you'd be amazed, hasn't been a fun one).  But I am glad I'm a mom.  Even without my mom nearby.

But I do know, in my heart, if I had not had children I would have been 100% happy too.  My life would have been different but it would have still been fabulous.   

Your reply is absolutely amazing, so thank you so much. I am definitely a person who enjoys working, so it's nice to hear from a career minded mom. We have a budget for yearly visits home but never thought about how you have to factor in children when that time comes so it will be more saving (so lucky that my parents have enough extra space for us, even if we had a kid or two as that's one less thing that we'll need to pay for!).

I honestly feel like I can relate to so much of your post and it's definitely given me even more to think of! I cannot believe you drove yourself to and from the hospital!! You warrior woman!