(
And I mean duty, not doodie.)
Eight years in London, and I was starting to think that I’d never see the following stereotype. Thankfully, at 8.15 this morning as I stepped bright-eyed out of Victoria Station, it happened.*
Man A shouts after Man B, "thief!" He runs after him, and the traffic grinds to a stop as Man B sprints diagonally into the street. I stay standing on the pavement, vaguely aware of a potential disruption in my plan to cross at the red light. Man A shouts "stop, thief!", and there's a part of me that thinks, "Ah, that guy must be the thief.” And then, “It’s a shame for Man A, he has such a limited script”.
Then I see someone who will surely put a swift end to the event: a policeman. But he’s not shouting commands, or even running, just…hovering at the edge of the pavement opposite. And despite Man A's repeated request, the thief isn’t for stopping, he’s keen to keep on going. He moves over to my side, and we exchange eye contact, and I, like the other 257 Londoners waiting to cross onto Victoria Street, do absolutely nothing.
It’s only when he’s past, and Man A is running after him (still saying the same two words, and I realise on reflection that there really is nothing else someone like Man A can say in that situation), that it occurs to me I was supposed to tackle him.
It wouldn’t have been a problem to trip him up or push him to the ground. I do that to people every day when entering and leaving tube stations. But I just look over my shoulder and hey! Look! It’s the green man! I can cross. And besides, there are now five police officers on the scene. And it must be so British, to have five of them running after a thief. Where else does this happen? None of them have guns, and even better, I realise that they’re not even real policemen, but
community support officers So the pseudo-cops, they're huffing and puffing in their yellow reflective jackets, swapping rueful smiles as they jog after Man B. And I’m embarrassed for London, now, with this criminal scene that has descended beyond farce, with cops chasing robber, and what’s the plan? Hope he runs out of breath before they do? And I want to give the police guns, all of them, so they’re not laughable anymore. I bet you only need one policeman for that, he can just point and bark, and the thief is on his knees, begging for mercy and a lawyer.
But then I expect the thieves would make the understandable decision of buying their own guns, and I’m left with the choice of 1. Police who look quaint and take far too long to catch a thief and 2. potential for bullet-spray.
And I suppose, (I’m not trying to wrap this up cutely, I swear) that I’ll go with the quaint option. And guys, are you left wondering why I didn’t rugby-tackle the thief? Hey, it was early, yet I was late, and I wasn’t wearing my Superman underoos.
* None of this would get the chance to happen a mere 500 metres up Victoria Street, just two or three bus stops away, where Scotland Yard is surrounded by a…by a…mess of armed police. (I bet there aren't many ATMs in New York City that have their very own machine gun-totin' policeman. I love taking cash out of the ATM around the corner from Scotland Yard.) 
