dumped

hi all. i'm a new member and just feel like i could kinda tell my story here...lord knows my friends are tired of hearing me talk about this..so..i'm currently in ny..visit london about 4 times a year. finally made the decision to move next year. came to visit in november and met a fantastic man...we fell head over heels for each other. i even went back for xmas and new years. he had plans to come visit next week. then last week, he calls and says the distance is too much. but then he says..not only can't he have a long distance relationship, but he can't see us having a relationship at all...so now i'm crushed and thinking..what happened? was i there alone? i know distance is hard but....JEEEZ...anywho, just want to hear from some others about ld relationships in gen...tell me something...anything... i know this isn't whiners anonymous or anything but...i hope you all understand and can give some words of encouragement. this by the way, has NOT deterred me from moving! :-)

Sorry you're having a rough time misscitty.  One thing I will say about long distance relationships is that some people do seem to go into them because they like the "best of both worlds" of having a significant other AND having lost of space and freedom away from the relationship.  I'm not saying this is the case with your guy, but sometimes when it seems the relationship is going to become a full time full on thing, they get cold feet or decide thye quite like the part time nature of the relationship.  I know a guy like this, he is in the UK and his last three GFs have been in the US, Germany and now Norway (or is it Denmark? i've lost track ...). 

Anyway I'm glad this hasn't put you off moving over here, when will you be here?

I was seeing a military guy sometime ago living in Oxford. We wrote to each other and I went to visit him several times a year. I always had an interest in coming over to the UK but it seemed a bit better since I knew someone already living here. I was friends with his friends and it was a good while and this continued on for 6-7 years so I assume we would go the distance considering that. The year I was to start the process to live here my "significant other" dropped the bomb and said he wasn't in love with me and told me I was better off back in america. We broke up but I continued to settle here after I did he started back tracking but it was too late.

It's been the best decision I did I could not be any happier...hang in there it stings at first but it heals eventually.  

I cannot comment on your experience directly, but I was the person that ended my long distance relationship (of 7 months-we spoke daily even if for a few moments - we also played online computer games together).  

But there are things we needed such as touch and taste that we weren't getting enough of.  We were also at the wrong stages of life to be together.  It got to be very taxing on us, and myself in particular - I was running a business, getting my master's full time, and working full time. She was a workaholic as well, and the time zone distance made it vitually impossible for us to communicate. What was most taxing for me was that I felt I was neglecting her.  I am anhonorable man (self-assessment and there was the robbery incident) and it caused me pain to feel I caused her pain.  Even though she denied I was causing her pain, I believe she was so caught up in me and the relationship that she was blinded.   We continued to be good friends for several months, but we haven't spoken now for over a month.  I am convinced that if we were together, instead of in a LD relationship - we wouldn't have ended the relationship at that time.  However, I cannot say we would have continued indefinately.  We had some issues that I am not disclosing.  

I would definately not be discouraged, and quite frankly I see some qualities in you that I admire.  You'll do well.  It may not seem like it right now (and maybe it does), but from my relationships - there's one thing I have learned.  

I may have several relationships that are great and then fall apart.  The things I learned in those relationships have given me experiences and lessons on how to be a better person or how to simply know myself better so that when the time does come that when I am in that relationship with the person who I am meant to be with - I'll be able to offer more to the relationship.

For example: I learned a lot about relationships during my LD relationship.  And obviously we go into these things with the best intentions, and confidence. The things I learned about myself, I want to offer my true love.  


I apologize if this is confusing.  

I am a hopeless romantic, but I have no experience in offering any advice unless it is business, investment related, or martial arts related.

Thank you.

hi all thanks for your kind words. i actually DO feel a little better. the joker just emailed "how are you doing?" and still wants to come visit next week...as freinds....ugh...not sure i can do it...not sure thats fair to me....is it???

hi all thanks for your kind words. i actually DO feel a little better. the joker just emailed "how are you doing?" and still wants to come visit next week...as freinds....ugh...not sure i can do it...not sure thats fair to me....is it???

Nah I'd tell him to feck off -- something's definitely up if he's acting like that.  It's possible that he's met someone else and is just taking the easy way out, or maybe he's just being a wuss.  Either way, it sounds like he wants to take a low budget trip to the States (e.g. use you for accommodations).

I had a long distance relationship with a Scotsman I met on holiday for about 10 months, before I moved over to Scotland to do my Masters degree.  We continued to see each other for another year, but when my passport stamp was about to expire after my course, and I couldn't get sponsored to get a job in the UK, he admitted he wasn't ready to commit, but agreed to continue long distance after I went home.  He then proceeded to cheat on me (when, I don't know, because I never really got the full story), but still allowed me to come out for graduation and to continue to plan to return to Scotland, not knowing what he'd done.  Two weeks after I returned home for graduation, he fessed up, but made it sound like he had just done it, when, in fact, as a good mutual friend informed me, it had happened months previously.  About three weeks after we broke up, I got offered a job in Scotland (talk about irony!) and decided to throw caution to the wind and take it.  I've not seen him once since I came over and I refuse to speak to him as well.  He tried that whole "friendly e-mail" thing after we broke up but I told him to p*ss off. 

Anyway, don't let it deter you from going to the UK if that's really what you want to do.  The lesson I learned from my situation is that you have to look out for number one, and not make major life decisions for other people unless you have a commitment from them to put in the same amount of effort. 

Maybe long distance just wasn't working for your guy -- better that you know now than find out months or years down the line.  I'm sure you'll find someone much nicer and better suited to you when you're ready.  But I woudn't let this guy come over and mess with your head.  You'll only end up longing for what you had and feeling miserable, so why torture yourself, y'know?

Good luck with your decision!

You met him in November, and by January he has decided that LDR's are too difficult?
There are people on this forum who have been doing LDR for YEARS!

Sorry, but my opinion is that he isnt worth your time.  He hasnt even made the slightest bit of effort for you.

As for him coming to visit, you obviously cant stop him coming over, but if i were you, i would not let him stay with you.  Sounds like he is just looking for a cheap holiday to New York,  with the possibility of getting his leg over, and then later saying 'that was a mistake, i dont want a relationship'.

Sounds like he is just looking for a cheap holiday to New York,  with the possibility of getting his leg over, and then later saying 'that was a mistake, i dont want a relationship'.

Exactly.  If he's dead set on coming over, let him.  But don't let him stay with you.  If I were you, I wouldn't see him at all because it would just confuse things.  If he doesn't want to be with you, that's fine.  Let him go and move on with your own life!  Tell him where to buy a good NYC map/guidebook and send him on his way!   

Exactly. If he's dead set on coming over, let him. But don't let him stay with you. If I were you, I wouldn't see him at all because it would just confuse things. If he doesn't want to be with you, that's fine. Let him go and move on with your own life! Tell him where to buy a good NYC map/guidebook and send him on his way!

Perfectly said Lola!!!!

Hold Strong Misscitty!!!!

I agree with e/thing that's been said here.   It's better he showed you his true colours now rather than after you'd got here.  I came here to be with someone, and after less than a week he dumped me.  Luckily I am a strong person.  I decided to make the most of the time left on my tourist visa and live it up.  And that's how I met my husband. 

As for letting him say, don't know about you, but for me 'just friends' after being romantically involved never worked.  I wouldn't go there.

i definitely appreciate everyone's advice. i'm going to take it...he can come over next week. it's a (relatively) free country. but he will not be staying with me...and i dont think i'll see him either.


thanks guys!

so, onward and upward....it a new year, and i have to prepare for my move!

i definitely appreciate everyone's advice. i'm going to take it...he can come over next week. it's a (relatively) free country. but he will not be staying with me...and i dont think i'll see him either.


thanks guys!

so, onward and upward....it a new year, and i have to prepare for my move!

that's the spirit!  glad you're keeping positive.  it's SO much easier to deal w/the feelings of hurt when you don't have to see them.  you deserve to respect yourself and give yourself space to move on.

Having been unceremoniously dumped by someone I cared about, let me just say, get on with your life and don't look back.  Don't let a man ruin your mood or take advantage of your generosity.  Good on you for not letting him stay with you.  Not seeing him would be hard for me but if I were you, I'd feel a lot better if I never saw or talked to him again.

My ex wanted to stay "friends"with me in case we ran into each other again.  I have no desire to remain friends with someone who said being in a LDR (when we're only 2 hours away) is more hassle than it's worth.  I cried the day it happened and have not shed one tear over him since.  He's not worth it. 

I've never found the whole "let's stay friends" attitude to be anything but an attempt at securing booty calls.

You sound determined to get on with your life, so good for you! Yer man over there can fend for himself.

yeah its defnitely still hard for me  but everyday it gets better. i was so upset at myself...i have a very analytical mind and this was one of those times when i just threw caution to the wind and went with my heart...and it didin't work out...but that's not to say that i'll never do it again. he just wasn't the one for me. what gets me is that i spent alot of time really trying to figure out what i did wrong and what i could do to change his mind....just not worth it...

i'm am still struggling with the friend thing though..i MIGHT be able to do it down the line but i definitely can't do it right now...and there is SO no possibility of a  booty call...