dumped

He said let's stay friends and I laughed.  Seriously, I cracked up.  How do you go back to being friends after crossing the line?  Maybe if he'd been more upset by breaking up, I might've believed his crap. 

Hang in there misscitty... 

A close friend of my hubby had a situation where hubby's mate g/f cheated on him she said they wanted to stay friends and My hubby's mate was fine with that....they were friends for a long while even the other man she shacked up with went out for drinks/parties without any problems ..until...hubby's mate started seeing someone else as well. Then the "let's be friends" situation was not something she could handle. Long story short ..it's very rare that lovers that want to be friends works out.


This is a good opportunity to do something to get your mind off your break up , take up a course , volunteer. I took up a volunteering for an organization and consequently met my hubby. Not that I'm suggesting in order to meet someone but to prevent you from stewing about your ex...just a though

good luck 

I've never found the whole "let's stay friends" attitude to be anything but an attempt at securing booty calls.

Amen to that!  Like trying to keep all the options open.  I find it rather insulting as well - oh, I don't want you as a girlfriend a/more, but I'll use you when I have no one else to hang with, meet other women, phone up for a shag when I leave the bar alone, etc.  Don't think so! 

No way should he have any sort of access to you at all when he comes overe here. I always wonder what it is that makes guys want to be friends after a relationship. I think it's something they do to ease their own guilt about hurting your feelings.

I've never stayed friends with any of my ex's until the most recent one. The break-up was something that we both agreed was best for us, since there were a lot of things we like about each other. We didn't want to lose the good things just because we couldn't make it work romantically. It was a completely foreign notion to me though, and I wasn't all that upset about the break-up which is why I think being friends worked this time. Those times when things did end badly though? No way could I see myself resolving the hurt for the sake of being friends.

let me say without a doubt....at this point, i don't think we'll be friends, but i'm a buddhist...and i feel like i need to understand where he's coming from..gawd only knows where that is....the visceral part of me wants to say FACKOFF but, the other part of me wants to say ok...i know LD (long distance) is hard and i know its not for everyone...so in a weird way i am trying to understand..am i crazy?? i dont want to be THAT BITTER GIRL.....

let me say without a doubt....at this point, i don't think we'll be friends, but i'm a buddhist...and i feel like i need to understand where he's coming from..gawd only knows where that is....the visceral part of me wants to say FACKOFF but, the other part of me wants to say ok...i know LD (long distance) is hard and i know its not for everyone...so in a weird way i am trying to understand..am i crazy?? i dont want to be THAT BITTER GIRL.....

Sure I understand.  But not being friends w/an ex right away doesn't make a person bitter, it may just mean there is a need for space to clear the head or to move in a different direction.  And perhaps sometime in the future, if your paths cross again, things can be different.  With most ex's I at least needed a little space from them to sort out how I felt and where I needed to go, if a/where.  Like Cyclenaut, I was only able to remain friends w/one ex, my ex-husband, and as in her case, our split was a long-time coming and a mutual decision (he never wanted kids; I did, and this was the prime cause of our divorce).  Having respect for your needs and feelings doesn't make you bitter at all.  A simple, 'I understand why we split, but I need to ask you to respect my need for space and find s/where else to stay on your visit.  Also I don't think it's best for me to see you just yet.  Hope you understand.  Best to you,' should suffice for him.

I've never found the whole "let's stay friends" attitude to be anything but an attempt at securing booty calls.

Amen, sister. I totally agree. I've never been able to stay friends with an ex and the only one that I really and truly tried to do so with ended up in my bed off and on for years. It's not worth it and never works, IMHO....

And you're so not alone, misscitty (as you can see from this thread!) I was seeing a guy in Manchester for a relatively short while and it was the heaviest, most passionate relationship I've ever been in... until the last night of one of my trips over when he didn't turn up at my hotel and turned off his phone. I went home in a right state and didn't get closure until something like a year later when a friend of his felt guilty about Martin dumping me and wrote me an email saying that Martin's old long-term girlfriend had come crawling back to him and Martin panicked 'cause he wanted her back.... LDR's are so hard and unless you REALLY know and trust each other (which I now realize I didn't) you never truly know what's going on on the other side of the ocean when you're apart. But having said that, I do think everything happens for a reason, and a couple years after Martin dumped me I met my now husband and live here with him and am happy as a clam!!! So like everyone has said, don't give up your dreams 'cause they'll still happen! 

Yeah, I have to agree -- telling someone you don't want to see them/stay friends is not bitterness, it's respecting yourself and what you need.  I think we women often get talked into doing things we don't want to so we don't seem like b*tches, but at the end of the day, you have to look out for number one.  If you feel that you need space, take it, and don't let him question you or cajole you into visiting with him.  And anyway, it's not like you have anything to gain from seeing him!

let me say without a doubt....at this point, i don't think we'll be friends, but i'm a buddhist...and i feel like i need to understand where he's coming from..gawd only knows where that is....the visceral part of me wants to say FACKOFF but, the other part of me wants to say ok...i know LD (long distance) is hard and i know its not for everyone...so in a weird way i am trying to understand..am i crazy?? i dont want to be THAT BITTER GIRL.....

Wanting to understand is er, understandable. But are you really in a mindset to hear things from him about why he ended the relationship just now? In all honesty, do you feel like you can separate the emotional side of you that is asking why he did this, from the logical side of you that is saying 'Let me think about why this was something he felt he needed to do'?

It might be better to wait until you've had some time to get over the shock/hurt, so that you are better able to hear his reasons for doing this without applying any emotion to it.

I agree with most that's been said here, although usually I don't form an opinion until I've heard both sides of the story. But we're talking guys here, right? 

misscitty, for your own sanity, don't even try to understand what his reasons for break-up were. You can't even be sure if the LD thing was the true reason, maybe he just brought it up because it would be the most obvious thing to make you believe. Whatever his reasons were, by trying to analyze you're giving him more time of your life than he deserves. How he acted seems to me very immature and if you need that, wait until you have children, you don't need a big baby 

And the 'friendship' thing ... it's almost impossible to bring it to this level if your relationship had been so short with all those intense emotions (as they come during the beginning) flying around. I, too, think the guy wants to ease his mind of guilt and still have a cheap place to stay in the US. Who knows if he hasn't pulled this trick on other girls before and has been building up free accommodation round the globe this way?

Someone on this thread dropped the word "self-respect" and I'm totally with it. You don't need to change or accept anybody's terms to make it easier for the other person. The right guy will come who will like/love you for how and who you are, and he'll be willing to make the relationship work, no matter how far away you live.

This comes from a woman with lots of experience in this department ... trying to adapt never worked, in fact you'd suppress your true nature and the one who's meant for you might walk by 'cause you're hiding your true self.

Take care of yourself and good luck with everything!

I agree with most that's been said here, although usually I don't form an opinion until I've heard both sides of the story. But we're talking guys here, right? 

 You don't need to change or accept anybody's terms to make it easier for the other person. The right guy will come who will like/love you for how and who you are, and he'll be willing to make the relationship work, no matter how far away you live.

... trying to adapt never worked, in fact you'd suppress your true nature and the one who's meant for you might walk by 'cause you're hiding your true self.

Take care of yourself and good luck with everything!

thank you teutonica! :-)

Lots of good advice on here! This board is full of some mature, smart women. I could have used this kind of talk when I was dumped 4 years ago!

Keep it up ladies

And to misscity - I wish you all the best and recommend lots of Sex and the City episodes.
That got me through a lot of rough times.