Do I really want to move back to the US?

Okay, I don't know what kind of input I'm expecting from you guys, but since my DH finally said he would consider moving to the US 'for a while', I've suddenly been wondering if I really want to go back. Maybe you could help me think of things to consider in making this decision.

I really like living in England, now that I'm becoming more acclimated to it. Things about America are starting to seem foreign to me...

On the other hand, I feel certain we will never be able to buy a house here on what we make, and I have a real fear that we are going to get old and end up with no paid-off home to live in during retirement. When we go on the pension, I fear we won't have enough money to pay rent...what will happen to us?

I'm just concerned about our long-term future. I don't know where I want to end up.

Any thoughts?

Without knowing your particular circumstances its hard to give an opinion,but a few things to think about.Are you renting private or council ?,if council I've never known anyone get thrown out when they're old and can't pay the rent,thats what the welfare state is for.
Would you both be able to earn more in the US?,that would be a big plus.
Would you be able to move close to your family in the US,another plus.
Would the weather be better LOL,did you get snow last night?
Best of luck anyway
Dave.

Daver's right. That's a tough question to answer, with so many questions to ask in return.

I can only give my own answer to my own situation and maybe if I just sort of spew some thoughts over a cup of coffee on a lazy Sunday morning, maybe then it might give you some ideas/answers/reactions to your own circumstances?

I was living in a large town in the US that was considered a vacation spot to most of the world. It had year-round sun and palm trees and sandy beaches. It was clean and modern and the crime rate was relatively low considering the population numbers. People were friendly and wages were live-able, unemployment was low and it was a great time to invest in real estate. I'd lived there for 20 years and knew a lot of people, some influential, some really great friends. I had a good career and was well respected.

But it never felt like home to me.

I visited the UK for the first time in 1996. I fell in awe with it. I've talked with others since, and they have the same experiences I did/do. I call it being a "wall toucher". It's when you come to a place and suddenly feel its history, no, get overwhelmed by it. That's when you reach over and touch the wall and think to yourself "this is 2000 years old".

I then fell in love with a Brit. Sorry, didn't mean to, had no intention, but on that trip I met a man and we ended up long-distance dating.

Blah blah blah...two years went by...blah blah blah...

I've lived in the UK for, well, it's the start of my 8th year. Like so many other women who post on here, I practically ended an entire US life, to begin a brand new life all over again in the UK. Though, statistically, I'm somewhat older than the majority who've done it; I was in my 40s when I moved here. And that's not a great age to begin a whole new life, especially when you're thinking pensions, retirement, investing in a home, etc.

So...if someone came up to me and offered me the chance to move back to the US, would I take it? To have everything I had before?      No.

My reasons are more from the gut. And they have nothing to do with economics. It's how I feel when I go to the US to visit. Ask yourself these questions:
- When you visit the US, does it make you feel like you're "home" or that it's beginning to overwhelm you (cars too big! too many resturant choices! too many aisles in the grocery store!), or does that last bit excite you?
- When you arrive back in the UK, do you feel like you are returning "home" happy to be back, or feeling like you didn't have enough time in the US?

I'm ruling out economics because of my own life's philosophy. And I don't expect you to feel the same way. I feel to be successful in life, you should pinpoint what it is that makes you happy, makes you feel fulfilled...then figure out a way to make money from it. If you do that, you will always be a success, because you are more driven to make it successful. It's not a job; it's your life. "Money doesn't grow on trees"...I beg to differ. You spend money/you make money/you spend money... a person is wealthy if he or she can afford what it is that gets them through the day. If you're happy with family hand-me-downs and using coupons at grocery stores, then you're wealthy, because you are still living within your means.

My bonus is that I have time on my side. Having been here for more than seven years, I've been through all the lumps and hurdles that usually happen. I've felt like I'd made a terrible mistake by leaving a set life behind and starting over with an unknown. I felt like everyone hated me because I had no friends. I didn't feel part of any group and it hit a lot when I'd be in a restaurant and see a whole group of women sitting together and laughing their heads off. I used to have friends like that. I felt I had to unlearn everything just to relearn it back at a different skew. It was frustrating!

I know you're looking at the question at a totally logical viewpoint. And good on you for that. But for me, my own answer would be based on a purely emotional reaction. If you are looking at moving back, is it because you've hit (typically at three years) the feeling that this country hasn't taken you on as its friend? Do you still feel slightly out of place?

I bring this up because, for me, after that first three years, things changed. And it was almost overnight. Small steps taken by me started a snowball effect of reactions that got me cemented into everyday life here...and it feels so much like home now that I went through the whole process of becoming a British citizen.

And when people ask where I'm from, they look at me like I'm nuts for leaving "paradise". If only they could understand that, even without palm trees and 12/7 sunshine, this is paradise to me.

Carla... as much as we had the 'American Dream' of homeownership shoved down our throats when we were growing up,  buying a house is not the be-all, end-all. 

It's just a constant expense.  Sometimes I feel jealous of people who are renting, because any maintenance/repairs are someone else's problem, and they dont have to pay for any of it.

To move away from a place you really like, just because you dont feel you will ever be able to afford to buy a house,  doesnt make a lot of sense to me.

Just my 2p.... good luck! 

Carla... as much as we had the 'American Dream' of homeownership shoved down our throats when we were growing up,  buying a house is not the be-all, end-all. 

Oh, Otterpop, you're reading my mind! I agree completely. There are far more important things in life than owning a house.

But, having said that, I know that's only my view. I'm not sure how you feel, Carla. If it really is something that's important to you and if you honestly feel you couldn't do it in the UK, then I don't think I can persuade you. All I know is that for me moving to the UK was the right decision. I've never looked back and have never been happier.

Also, I guess it depends on where you were in the US. I was in the urban northeast, and house prices were pretty much in line with those in the UK -- so there's no real difference to me.

I wish I could give you advice, but I think it's really something you've got to think about and decide on your own.

Lisa, it's weird that you mentioned the three year thing. I've been here two years and 6 months! I guess I'm just coming up on that milestone. And I have felt all the other stages you describe.

Going back to America does make me feel a bit overwhelmed, and it's good to be back in England when the visit's over. I'm not nearly as logical as my post may have made me sound!

I think I know somewhere inside that I want to stay here. But I have ties back there. Lisa, you know what I'm referring to...it's the old call of societal expectations luring me again. It's worrying about what others think (or what I fear they think) rather than what I feel.

Any more general thoughts? It's good to get feedback. It helps you clarify your own thinking.

Hi Carla--

I can not tell you what to do, but I can tell you why I have decided to return to America for a while, maybe that will help you.

I LOVE Scotland.  I moved there because I did not want to live in my small-town-USA home anymore.  I wanted out.  So I packed up and moved--to Scotland.  About 6 months later, I met a great English guy who just happend to live in Scotland, as well.

Having a large family at home meant going back for visits, which was/is always nice, but Scotland is where I really feel I belong.  Well, the Englishman proposed.  I said yes.  Then the decisions came.  Where would we live?  Would it be forever?

Our decision came down to a few things: 1) I got a GREAT job offer in Seattle (2 hours from my home town).  2) Mom and Dad are ill and getting worse (Mom is now on a kidney transplant list) 3) Paul's parents have both passed on.

So, we are going to live in the States because it is a great career opportunity for me and we will be near my folks to help care for them in their final years (hopefully more years than less).  Paul was a little nervous about the decision at first, never having lived abroad before.  Now, he is really looking forward to it (he will get here in a couple of months).

I don't know what the future will hold, that is something that Paul and I have said we will re-evaluate every year or so.  BUT, I sort of wish we were back in Scotland.  I love being there, I love coming home for visits, I love being an American in Scotland.  However, if Paul and I decided that when we enjoy being in America together, then that's what we will do.

Paul is also very excited about owning property.  And shooting guns (he's a vegetarian and won't hunt, but he's found he likes shooting targets).  There are a lot of great opportunities for him in the States, and he is looking forward to being an "alien" for a while.

I guess that what I am saying is that you need to evaluate all of the issues involved in where you live and why.  And to remember that you can always move back when you feel the time is right for that decision.

Good luck!

I think I know somewhere inside that I want to stay here. But I have ties back there. 

I have 'ties' there too... i mean, parents, siblings, aunts, uncles.
They've simply had to accept that i dont live there anymore, and 'un-tie' themselves! 

I have 'ties' there too... i mean, parents, siblings, aunts, uncles.
They've simply had to accept that i dont live there anymore, and 'un-tie' themselves! 

it's kinda hard when those ties are your kids... i miss mine like mad and thats why i'm going home... so follow your heart Carla... not your head is my advice

Of course you're right. 
Anyone that WANTS to go home, SHOULD go home!   As quickly as possible...

Anyone that WANTS to go home, SHOULD go home!   As quickly as possible...

Well said. And that's what it really boils down to. Where do you consider home? When you say "home," if you're thinking of the US -- then that's where you should be.

My problem is feeling like I don't have a home anymore...cut most ties in the US, not made many here yet. I feel so displaced at times and struggling emotionally for the first time (and I have had huge emotional situations to deal with in the past...so I didn't realize I would be hit so hard with this seemingly "positive" experience of marrying and moving to another country.) I am torn myself about where I want home to be. I too sometimes gaze out on our back garden and think "what a tiny slice of the "American" dream we have here (I still own my home in the US and will for atleast several years for several reasons) compared to my larger home and yards in the US. (My one let down here in the UK is the housing situation!)  I like aspects of this country, I like aspects of the US. I worry about being in the US with what is going on in the middle east and with the economy...I worry about NOT being in the US with what is going on in the middle east and with the economy! Like nvrwas I have older children in the US (though one is definitely coming here and the other is off to university...just my daughter to really worry about) and miss them like I never thought I could. It is not missing...it is something harder to explain, just a realization that I am NOT experiencing what I could be with them and can never go back and relive that time. Knowing that I am consciously making that decision. I also have older parents. I guess what I am trying to say is that there will most probably be pluses and minuses to living in either place, so maybe you should make a "pro and con" list and see which looks better on paper?

My problem is feeling like I don't have a home anymore...cut most ties in the US, not made many here yet. I feel so displaced at times and struggling emotionally for the first time  ....  so maybe you should make a "pro and con" list and see which looks better on paper?

Aw, Geally, I really feel for you. I wish I could say something to make it better. Luckily for me, I had a very easy time cutting those US ties. I moved by myself, am single, and have no children. My mother had passed away a couple of years before -- I never would have moved before then -- so I didn't have family to keep me there.  I was in a dead-end job I didn't enjoy. Etc., etc., etc. I could go on and on. But as simple as move as that sounds, I still made the "pro & con" list before making a final decision. I think it's a brilliant idea.

I've made lists. I'm a notorious listmaker.

I guess what I'm trying to do is come to terms with issues from the past and decide how much of my present and future I want them to be.

If I didn't have the shadows of the past blurring my path, I would have no problem staying in the UK with my sweety.

The only way we were finally able to make the decision we made (having just moved back to the US a month ago) was to decide that in our hearts we weren't picking a country, and to decide that both countries are our homes. We love them and aren't betraying one by living in the other. In the end we are choosing to live in the US for several reasons. My husband's job here is much better with better pay and less hours. His job here means we have a better family life, and we weren't going to have that in England. We are also choosing to raise Philip here - at least for now - again because of financial reasons but also because we have a huge extended family support system here with lots of family gatherings etc, and in England he is the only grandbaby, the only of that generation. Also because I've had very bad experiences with the medical system in england and am going to give birth in america from now on. All personal reasons, all individual reasons, all reasons that won't apply to most other people. It is NOT an easy decision to make for some people - though for some people it is. It is definitely a very individual thing though, and everyone's reasons will be different - it doesn't make them wrong. It is a matter of quality of life, and that is also different for everyone. We've moved here with the mind set that we are doing what is best for NOW, and for the near future. If what is best for our family changes, then we will change. Go with the flow. Live in whatever country best meets our needs if we are able to do so. Enjoy the chance to have such a broad meaning of home, rather than feel afflicted by it. I miss England. There have already been times when I've been sorely homesick. My husband as well. But that comes along with the package of an international romance for most people. Some don't have that problem, but we certainly do. Still, we've made the right decision for our life right now, and that is the best anyone can do really...