Troubles w/ the Significant Other

*sigh* Ok, so I live in California, and the partner, lives in London. He currently just found a flat to get for us to live in temporarily until we can find a better place..... he doesn't sign the flat papers until the 16th (and his bank might be late on the reference papers to the estate agents, so he's pretty pissed about that because he doesn't want this to go wrong). So, if all goes well, I should be actually down there somewhere in early August. We've been apart for five months now and we've known eachother for two years.

About maybe a week or two ago, we got into a heated argument because well, I can't even remember how it began exactly, but I wanted to call him and he had said not today and not tomorrow. I hadn't talked with him for at least 10 days....... and I mean, really carried on a conversation, not Iming eachother back and forth. He works odd hours..........shift work. So he has four days of work, then four days off work - sometimes it's from 9 at night to 7:30 in the morning, or 7:30 in the morning to 6 in the evening. So, when I finally got my chance to call him, and was telling him about recent events that were "exciting" enough to talk about, he fell asleep. Now, usually this doesn't bother me, because he's done it before, due to the massive time zone difference. But I just got so depressed right then because here I am, talking, and he hasn't even been listening for the past 10 or 15 minutes. Then we got into "well I don''t think I should apologise because didn't you notice I was asleep, or didn't you notice when I wasn't participating in the conversation?" -  we sorted all that out and I told him that I just broke down because I haven't been able to talk with him for so many days when I was use to at least seeing how his day went almost everyday. (the shift work was currently done, so it's a new thing - but we both agreed it would be all kinds of better) He knows that I need some kind of communication with him. And he does keep saying "well look at the good thing, we have the entire four days to talk with eachother, and soon, we'll be together". He helped me get back up and not have a total break down which I was on the verge of having.

Now, recently, we've had another argument. Usually, our arguments seem so little, like nothing things, you know. He has his own forum, and he accidently messed it up somehow. It was already messed up tho cause the board that hosts it had hijackers come into their servers or something. He got all upset about it, I tried to tell him that it was an accident, it wasn't his fault...... he just said to stop patronising him. Adn ok, I always ask "do you want or need me to be here". I ask him this because a couple of other times when I've stood around when he's feeling upset, he doesn't talk to me or he get's tetchy with me. And sure, I'm patient with him because I know that's what it takes, patience. But I don't want him getting even more frustrated if he doesn't want me there. He answered me with a "I don't care, do what you like", and I absolutly hate it when he says he doesn't care. I know he doesn't mean "I don't care anymore about what you do, it doesn't matter to me, I've given up" but that's what it feels like.

So, of course, I left. I mean, I didn't leave, I just logged off messenger and went into the chatroom he made for all the forum people to go, and chit chatted with them. He went into the room a couple of times, and said some things. I was not ignoring him nor treating him like "he was low and I'm not giving you any attention". After two hours of that, I then logged onto messenger because he texted me saying that he should just ignore me for a week and to see how I like it, is this a good idea. We talked, for a long while. He feels that he's putting demands on me if I ask "do you want me here", that's why, supposedly, he just says to do what I like. And sometimes, he's not sure if he wants me there because Itry and "help" him by bringing up the topic that's making him angry in the first place. But I want him to tell me if he wants me there, even if it's just to be there, if he just wants me their for "support" not helping him, but just being there like a lover should be. But he feels that from the way I act that, and I quote:

"When we talk, it's because I want to talk. When we go somewhere together, it's because I want to go." etc. He feels that I make it look like he always wants something..... that he's always the one. I don't know how I'm giving him this impression and I asked him how I was doing this so I could stop. He wants me to just make my own decision and stay there, be there for him without having him tell me. And sure, I get that, but I just think back to when I did do that, and he got even more pissy. I told him, "if you would've just told me, yes, I want you to be here for me, not talk about this topic, but just be here, that's ok" and I would've done what he asked, I would've understood what he wanted. And that's where the "putting demands on you" comes in. But how can he be putting demands on me if I want to stay in the first place. He always feels like he's telling me what to do, like I don't have a mind of my own. I don't know if that's cause the age..... and I don't think it is because that would just be an insult to both of us if it were true.

But *sigh* I know this is long and I am sorry, I just need to go over my feelings to grasp exactly what's "the cause" or how to make things better.

Hmmm, there's times, when I log on here, I sign in to messenger, look at stuff while I'm talking with him every five minutes since we're both looking at stuff, and then I'm done looking at things so I go back to him and since he's still doing things, I'm sitting there, waiting for him to speak. This freaks him out, and I can see why. It's not like I'm grasping onto every single word he's saying. But it makes him feel guilty when I do this - I've got nothing else to look at, so now my focus is him and whatever he wants to talk about. I mean, that's the main reason why I even come online, to have that communication we don't get if we were physically together. He told me that he's ok with that, he likes the comfort of being able to look at things online or do whatever he has to do and being able to click on my window and say something like a simple "*kiss*" or whatever. And then, he said that it might be better if he didn't even come on messenger at all unless it's solely to talk with eachother, not doing anything else. Or that when I come online, that once I'm done with things, to tell him so and then say goodnight. Of course, he wishes we could talk every single day like I do - but yeah....... he only comes online to "do" things that need to be done like paying bills or having time for himself or fixing up the forum etc. The thing is, he knows that if we d what he proposes (and I know too) that we'll hardly ever get time to talk at all. When he's at work, hwe can e-mail eachother back in forth or go into a chatroom, and yes, he's constantly leaving to go do work :p and that's fine. But with our different hours, when he's off work, he needs to be asleep by a certain time or he's just one angry ball. So, the only time we'd get to talk either online or by phone is when he works nights at work, and that week before when he asks me to help him stay awake long enough to get his hours in order.

I know that this probably sounds like nothing to you guys, just a bunch of rambling or idocy, but I don't know. Do any of you feel like, when you're argueing with your partner, that your emotions run so high, that you feel that maybe, just maybe, you aren't meant to be together or you really aren't compatible? Like, maybe you were just meant to meet this person to get them on the right path of their or your life? Yet, a part of you knows this isn't true because how much you love this person and would do anything for them? Cause, afterwards, when you sort things out and you're both happy again, you think to yourself "why did I ever think those awful things, this person makes me the happiest ever and now I can see why I love him/her so much". I read something, by someone on here, that said that they feel like everytime they talk with their lover that they try and pick an argument with them because it's gettting closer to the time when they'll be with them. I don't think this is what that is, or is it? No, it isn't because he was already upset and I just made it worse somehow :p. I just... I don't know. I feel a bit calmer now that I've said things. Yet still sadenned. I hate that I think these things, that when I get like this that I start thinking that maybe, since we're like this with eachother, that we were lieing when we said our future is going to be filled with happiness and bliss (of course, every relationship has it's bumpy road). He says I'm not being too needy or clingy, that he likes when I am. Yet, since I'm just pretty much waiting for him to give me the go ahead, I'm not doing anything over here except cleaning and typing online and trying to look for recipes so I'll know how to cook for us - I feel like I've become too attatched or um, too much wanting to talk with him almost everyday or something. Heh, my mother says "the world doesn't revolve around him" and I know it doesn't :p.

I have no clue. I had my crying sessions last month because of how distant I felt when it hit me that he's not sleeping beside me or I can't just hug him or make him smile, actually feel him. And now, I guess because we got our chance to have a long talk awhile back, I don't cry so much at night anymore because of the loss of him. So now I'm thinking, "was I just crying loads and loads because I was pmsing or do I somehow love him less and I don't know it yet"? I'm not worried tooo much about this because I don't love him any less.

And now he's just texted me saying that he's going to start looking for new flats to rent because he doesn't have any hope that the bank will get that reference letter to the agent in time This won't hit me until it's final that the reference paper didn't get their in time. But now I have to worry that I won't be over there till October or something. Maybe we'll get lucky, who knows. It took us this long to find a decent flat at the right prcie range and close to his work.

I just feel so blah, so like........nothing.

Listen, if you are in any doubt at all, perhaps you should rethink your relationship, and your moving here. You are still pretty young, and there are a few of us here a bit older, and had a heck of a time when we got here. Trust me, it is NOT easy. And you will miss your home and family very much. Add this, to the fact that you and your bf may already have some communication problems, toss a different country, loneliness, isolation, trying to adjust to a different EVERYTHING into the mix, and you could have a pretty difficult gloppy mess. I'm not saying that it's not do-able, but just think loooooong and hard. Also, I don't mean to sound negative, it can be wonderful when it works out, but it still can have it's awful moments.

Also,
Just remember that men are hopeless and without mercy when they are tired. There is a reason they generally DON't get up with the baby in the middle of the night! Our fights always take place in the evening and are about nothing except me needing something from him and him not having the understanding nor the energy to do anything about it, often not even to care.

He seems like he is still eager to have you with him if he is still house hunting. This is a crummy job, worse in London where prices are so high, and landlords so careful. He probbaly feels like the world is on his shoulders and doesn't like it.  Not findong anything can also make him feel like he is being called a deadbeat and a pauper.

ANother caution is that I ALWAYS find my Beloved and I fighting over nothing a few weeks before I see him. Usually it is me making up some imaginary hurt and needing more obvious(demonstitive) love than before. It's like I need it to go back to the lovey dovey stage like in the beginning or something. When he remians grounded in the everyday, where we are now stage I get my feelings hurt. It has taken a while but now he understands this and gives me what I want. (Need)

Things are different when we are together so I say wait it out. In a way you are lucky as you are far apart and you can be as crazy and pitiful as you need to be without him seeing it.  (men hate tears). Try to keep on an even keel when talking to him.  But don't sound like a self help book. Be yourself.

I made this comment on another  thread: Make it all about HIM. Let him know you appreciate all the trouble he is going to for you and how much you love him, and that it feels so good to be treated well. Talk to him about his problems without being part of them. In other words, don't make him responsible for your pain. Let him know that you miss him and look forward to August, emotional in a happy way.

Most of all, relax. Focus on him not you and look to the future. ANd know that even if in the end it doesn't work out, you are a wonderful talented person who can make it  on your own. Here or there. The Universe will provide if you are on the right path.

Listen, if you are in any doubt at all, perhaps you should rethink your relationship, and your moving here. You are still pretty young, and there are a few of us here a bit older, and had a heck of a time when we got here. Trust me, it is NOT easy. And you will miss your home and family very much. Add this, to the fact that you and your bf may already have some communication problems, toss a different country, loneliness, isolation, trying to adjust to a different EVERYTHING into the mix, and you could have a pretty difficult gloppy mess. I'm not saying that it's not do-able, but just think loooooong and hard. Also, I don't mean to sound negative, it can be wonderful when it works out, but it still can have it's awful moments.

I totally agree. It really is very hard, so seriously think about it, especially if you have doubts at this stage. I know it's hard to be apart and the stresses of a long-distance relationship can be really challenging... my current guy and I got into silly fights when we were apart too. But seriously, be careful. When I was 18 I moved far from home to be with my long-distance ex-boyfriend who at the time I really thought was "the one". I ended up just feeling lonely and lost, on top of the fact he turned out to be a real jerk. And I know from current experience that moving to a whole different country can be REALLY hard anyway and if a relationship isn't right then it's all the more difficult to break it off. Plus the person who sacrifices everything to make the move over is the one who loses a hell of a lot more in the end. I know this may be stretching it a bit, but have you ever considered having him make the move and to live with you for a while, so you can still be in control of the situation as you get to know eachother better in person? Then once you're a little more certain of things, then consider moving over there with him.

Usually it is me making up some imaginary hurt and needing more obvious(demonstitive) love than before

I think that's what most of my problems are. I know that this is a huge move, and that if in the end, it doesn't work out, that I'll be the one that lost more in the end, not counting the "love" lost. And to be honest, I'm not really worried about the move. My family, sure I'll miss them loads, but it's time to be on my own, away from them. And I can feel in my heart, that this is going to work out, because we both know, that if we were actually together, we wouldn't be as sad and lonely as we are now, due to the distance, and that would mean, less frustration. But, the thing is, being as far apart as we are, MAKES us to communicate, and that's great, because most couples these days that didn't have to go thru what we go through, don't communicate at all. We always say the same thing "the damn messenger doesn't show our emotions or we can't hear our tone of our voice" so that makes it even more difficult, yet we're so enthralled in the argument, that we don't think to pick up the phone. Plus, in a sense, it's better that he argues back with me when we do bicker because if he didn't, as he told me "if I didn't love you so damn much, I wouldn't bother argueing with you at all, as you know I'm lazy" :p

We only started argueing moreso this past month (and of course we had little bickers here and there in between like mostly every couple has) and last night, I finally realized something. And let me know if this became true for any of you, but last night, ok I have a t-shirt of his that he gave me and just being able to feel something that was his or smell his scent (hope that doesn't sound freakish, but ya know), it gave me flashbacks of memories I had totally forgotten about. I instantly remembered how great it felt to just wake up next to him and have him describe his dreams to me, or when we'd watch movies together, or hold hands and smile at eachother on the bus or train. How wonderful it felt to mess with him in the kitchen or cook breakfast with him, etc. I know he's not a jerk, because, trust me....... when he's with me, he's himself because he's that comfortable, and when he's with his family or other people, he's not really "him", if that makes sense. And it shows, really - or at least, I can see it.

And damn, am I figuring out slowly that men DO NOT have no mercy when they're tired and you're upset, you're right!

I tried to explain to him what I already know before having the memories flashed before my eyes, but I didn't do a very good job :/ He thought I was saying that I didn't love him "in that way" anymore, and that's not at all what I was trying to say. I was trying to explain that I've been too long without him. I don't think that when two people are connected as much as we are, that we are meant to be apart for this long. I was strong for a long while, sure, and it tears me apart to think that I'm slowly letting my strength slip away, especially when I was always the strong one in the relationship. But is it possible for one to "forget" how great and wonderful it felt to be with their loved one because of the stress and hardship of having to handle being away from them for so long? I've not been able to show or have him give me love, except with words. And what I really need, is him. It's like, I know that this is the problem, that my mind is allowing myself to forget what an impact his love gives me or what an impact my love is for him, and yet, this problem won't get fixed until I'm with him again. And I know the only thing I can do is try my best to explain to him what I'm feeling (iwhich is difficult at times if I'm not sure what that feeling is :p), be strong about it until we're together again, and not get myself even more hurt if I'm still not getting what I want, which is him to show me love, but physically, not just words. Does that make sense?

It's real easy, sometimes, for me to forget how it is when we are together.  We have been apart for 3 months now and I am used to the calls and the talking instead of the being together.  I look at his photo and think" damn! what a looker. Gotta get me one of those..." Then I am thrilled to "remember" that I do have one of those, exactly those! And then I just love him to bits, call him in the middle of his night just to hear his voice.  I think he is thrilled that I am so crazy about him.  He doesn't mind to much.  But then, I have a one of a kind wonderful man...

Long Distance Relationships are REALLY REALLY hard. Don't let anyone tell you different.  I read somewhere only 5% survive into  being a together type relationship. So be easy on yourself and him.  Life is hard and this is one of the hardest things anyone can do, especially if you are young. (Which I am not!)

I too love my Beloved's smell and make sure I have something of his every time I leave him.  There have been some days that this was the only thing that got me through.  Those flashes are falling in love with him again. And the more this happens the better. I hope to be 85 years old someday and still falling in love with him like that.

Very early on, we started calling each other all the time. we have a schedule and often call in between just to say I love you. We realised that the money was just the price you had to pay and it has been worth every penny. (check out 10 10 numbers..I call him for 3 cents a minute from Oregon, home or mobile). Like when you have a baby, nappies are just a part of it. And you never complain again about gross stuff because you got such a wonderful return on your investment.

It honestly sounds like you guys are good together and you are just going through some adjustment here.  Sleep is another factor.
So chill out if you can, if not keep all communication upbeat. You might be scaring him some too. In August, when you are together, you be able to see that it is OKAY, and be proud you have done it.

As an aside, I am presently in a Capt.Cook obsession... and I learned that he and his wife were married for 16 years, only 4 of which they spent together.  The rest of the time he was on the other side of the world (no phones then) discovering breadfruit and kangaroos (important stuff, that!). And they managed to have 6 children! Absence does make the heart grow fonder. (She also outlived him by 56 years and never married again nor wore anything but black after his death. It is obvious to anyone then or now that they were deeply in love and devoted to each other.  Makes my 2 years apart from my Beloved seem like a ride in the park.

And yes, you are doing all the risking. You have to be okay with that and know that you will be ok even it it doesn't work out.  He should realise this and make allowances for it. Some of your fear may not be about him or his behaviour at all.

But then, I have a one of a kind wonderful man...

Haha, you're not the only one who has one of those   

And, heh, yes, thanks for this post. I'm glad to know that I'm not soo crazy 

And yes, we did kinda work thru it. He understands that the distance is wearingme down and that I'm trying my best to get thru it. He also knows that just a phone call, even if it be quick, is just a lil more icing on the cake to help me get through it. And jeesh! Don't I know it for how much money it is to spend on phone calls! I found this deal online, that gives me my pin number through e-mail. It's $8.90 for five hours, and to me, who was buying international phone cards for $10 for only two hours and  a half, this is a great deal! But it's a sale deal, but I think the original price was only $10 so it ain't so bad

I talked with him today for a long while, and now I'm all happy, and looking forward to my future with him. It's soo strange, how easy hearing his voice or his laugh, brightens my mood and makes me forget about the distance - it's an incredible thing, as it makes me feel like we're not that far away at all.

Haha! And, I wish I could call him in the middle of his night, but yeah, calling his mobile phone cuts my five hours of phone card into 25 minutes!!!!    :\\\'( Plus, he's sort of an insomniac so whatever sleep he gets, he needs it due to work the next day. But, I'll be able to wake his ass up and tell him I love him when I'm there, hehe  Hey! He wakes me up during the middle of the night cause he wants tending *nudge nudge* 

And how ironic, but when we first got together, when he visited me here last July, his departure was really odd because he was the one who didn't want to label us as "having a relationship" because he said "I know a long-distance relationship won't work as everyone you hear about always falls out". I told him the same thing, there's always that 5% of couples that actually do make it and end up living long happy lives together. But he was just scared because he was unsure about things, he wasn't sure I was "emotionally ready". I have matured a bit, but he's also not all the way emotionally matured either, which he didn't see till later on.

But things are looking up, as long as I get some contact with him every other day or something, I'll be mighty fine! *feels good* And soon, I'll be there!

You sound so much happier.
That;s the way should be.
cheers!