I'm just curious...

Whenever things don't seem to be going right for some people here in the UK, they start thinking about returning to the US.

So I'm curious - when you had crappy days in the US, where did you want to go to make it better?

I guess I just don't understand the idea that moving back to the US would be a cure for what *really* might be ailing the person.  Because everyone has days that are less than spectacular.  So if you were already in the US having a bad day, what would you do to make it better?  And can't what you would do or some variation of it be done here in the UK?

Obviously you couldn't go have lunch with your best US friend.  But you could write them an e-mail, call them, or even write them a good long old-fashioned letter.  Or go shopping for something you think they'd like and send it to them.

Obviously you couldn't just get up and go to your favourite restaurant/bar/pub/hangout.  But maybe you could find some place where you live to become your new favourite restaurant/bar/pub/hangout.

I'm not passing judgment or anything - it's just that as someone whose worst day here in the UK is 100x better than my best day in the US and who has never felt homesick - I don't get the desire to return to the US and why it would be thought that it would solve anything.

I definitely hear what you're saying peedal. I think the simplistic answer is that when a lot of people move here they don't have their friends and family network to turn to - like if I was having a rough time I knew a two hour drive would have me at my mum's house for a day or two. Or I could always just go out on the lash with the girls. That was my escape.

But I think that's a bandaid solution - something to bring immediate, if not long-term relief. And the truth of the matter is, I often didn't have any money when I was in the US either and would often mope around my apartment anyway when things weren't going my way. For me returning would bring no relief or joy whatsoever and would just land me in the same position: no job, no money, etc. and since I prefer the culture, etc. over here, I'd rather suffer here until I find a job and things smooth out. 

For me, saying i want to up and leave due to bad times (i'm sure i've said that on here once), it would be to the comfort of my family.  Comfort that i can't get from a letter, a phone call, an email.

The comfort of the hugs, the closeness, the laughs, the silence.  The getting in the car and driving to get lunch and shop for no real reason, being in separate dressing rooms and laughing at how terrible things look and making people nuts around us.  Having my dad look at me like he's so incredibly proud of me.  Sharing a golf lesson with him, mentor and student-never having lost the love and respect i hold for him all these years.

That is why i'd want to return home.  Not to friends (whom i love with all my heart, but a good chat and a cry on the phone with them DOES help).  It's when i'm on the phone with mom and dad that i feel sadness being apart.

I'm a mommy and daddy's girl-always have been.  The love and respect they showed me while growing up, the things they taught me.  They are home.  My nephews, growing up before my eyes, my brother and his wife-they are home.  

It's nothing about the states.  If my family was to move to say idaho, i'm sure i'd feel just as 'home' there with them than anywhere.  I love my house, the one i grew up in, but it's not what home is.  Home is the love and feeling i get when i'm with my family.

When i was in the states and had a miserable week, i'd hop on the acella train from boston and be home in under 3 hours.  Somedays it would be that bad i wouldn't even pack-just book the ticket at 3PM, walk across the street at 5 and get on the train.  I miss that.  In college, when i would have a bad week, i'd jump in the car or get on a commuter plane from burlington VT to westchester NY (1/2 hour away from my home) and just.....go.  It may seem like running to mommy and daddy, but i never once asked them to bail me out.  I never needed that.  I needed peace of mind, calmness, reminders of who i am.  Sometimes it's really easy for me to forget that and get wrapped up in what i'm doing.

That's it in a nutshell.  

Agree with AnneR & Aimiloo -- comforts of the familiar, be it friends or family.  Also, I never dreamed what a he££uva lot of money it costs to live here -- just for the basics: housing, food, etc...if it weren't for my husband -- well, if it weren't for him I wouldn't be here anyway!

Excellently put, Aimiloo.  I feel the same way -- it's not the US that I miss...it's my family.  Wherever they are is home for me and that's how I suspect it will remain until I have kids of my own.  When I think of having/raising kids in the UK, I'm terrified and I'm sure the first thing I'll say after seeing those two pink lines on a pregnancy test is, "We have to move back home now!  I want Mom and Nanny!".  I'm sure that will pass, though, and once I've established myself as a mother here, I'll be here for the long-haul.

Okay - I understand the family thing.  I guess I don't have that because I was living with my mother for WAY too long before the move, and so her being there and me being here works very well for our relationship!  Don't get me wrong, I miss her.  And with her health problems, I wish I could get her to move here.  But that's just it - I want her to come here - not me go there.  And even that is more for my sons' benefit than my own.

So the family connection, I can understand.

I guess it's just that for me personally, my quality of life is so much more improved living here in the UK than it ever had a chance of being living in the US.  So, like I said, I've never had one moment where things were bad and I thought, "Heck, I'll just go back to the US."  Honestly - never.  My life is here.  

I'm just trying to get an understanding where others are coming from on this - and maybe help others understand how to make the best of it?

I've got a friend from Germany she came over and settled in London about the same time I did. Whenever things in her life didn't add up or was frustrating she would start saying how things would be if she would just go home. It's really the familiarity and not having so many hurtles that would obviously not be there when you were in your own place.

For some people if things were not going smoothly there is that security of knowing and being familiar with your own surroundings.  It's having more control over things back in your home place and an access to support (friends , family , places) why do you think sport's team love it when they get play in their home turf

I guess it's just that for me personally, my quality of life is so much more improved living here in the UK than it ever had a chance of being living in the US.  So, like I said, I've never had one moment where things were bad and I thought, "Heck, I'll just go back to the US."  Honestly - never.  My life is here. 

I'm the same way, Peedal. It's never occurred to me to even THINK about moving back. I think for some people, though, in stressful times, you seek out what you know and feel familiar and comfortable with. If you'd lived in the US for 30 years, then that's your comfort base -- so you look there, even though it might not be what's best or what will even make you happy in the long run. It's like when you have problems with a boyfriend -- you automatically start thinking about your exes! It's because they're a familiar known entity. Just my 2p.

 My only reason would be family as well. Ive told my DH if I could move all of my family over here then the UK would be perfect for me!     It's just little things I miss like calling my mother every day and having a chat on the phone or going to see one of my brother's baseball games. I dont miss the US only my family who lives there. And my DH knows that whenever I feel a bout of homesickness it's for my family and not for the US.    I know I have never been happier in my entire life as I am right now with two dual babies and a terrific husband to boot!

Yeah, I'd MUCH rather my mom were here. I miss my brothers and their families, but I only ever saw them on holidays anyway, so it's really my mom I miss. If she were here, and maybe one or two of my girlfriends (though they come to visit, so that's not absolutely essential), my life would quite honestly be perfect.

My quality of life has improved a lot too - I'm in a house with a garden rather than a studio apartment in a cramped city where it took an average of 45 minutes (NO joke) to find a place to park every night. Obviously I have my lovely hubby. I've traveled more than I ever have. And as soon as I have a job we won't be so stressed over money (sorry to sound like a broken record, but it's getting desperate!) And having lived in San Francisco for the past 10 years, my cost of living is about the same.

I think it's really good of you to think about this, peedal - and try to help others by understanding what exactly is going on with the "I want to go home" phenomenon. I think to an extent there's an assumption that changing the immediate situation will change the core problem. I once got really fed up with SF and moved back to my parent's with the intention of downsizing a hectic career for a slower pace. Within a month I was desperate to get out of their house, and totally unhappy with my new, boring job. Within a year I'd moved back to SF and gone back to my old company. I realized that I could be unhappy anywhere and that what I needed to fix was on the inside of me rather than the outside....

Oh, and little evo, shop around for a good calling plan - I still do call my mom all the time. In fact one thing I missed when I first got here was the ability just to make stupid calls to her - about recipes or stupid little things like that. I soon realized that it wasn't nearly as expensive as I thought and it made us both feel like the distance wasn't all that great. I called her just the other night while I was baking and said "hey mom, go get a stick of butter out of the fridge and tell me how much it weighs!" LOL.

Oh, and little evo, shop around for a good calling plan - I still do call my mom all the time. In fact one thing I missed when I first got here was the ability just to make stupid calls to her - about recipes or stupid little things like that. I soon realized that it wasn't nearly as expensive as I thought and it made us both feel like the distance wasn't all that great. I called her just the other night while I was baking and said "hey mom, go get a stick of butter out of the fridge and tell me how much it weighs!" LOL.

We call my mother every weekend at least and sometimes during the week (time difference permitting).  When she was home off work after her last cancer surgery, we were calling her every day, just to keep her spirits up and make sure she was doing okay.  Our monthly long distance bill with One-tel has never gone over £15.00 - which I think is a small price to pay to keep my kids in touch with their grandmother. 

As a recent transfer, when I have been getting upset and having bad days recently it's almost always linked to some sort of life hurdle that has been thrown my way.  Everything from getting sick and having to see a doctor to getting a NIN seems like a major hurdle.  In those times I just think, "if I were back in the US, I wouldn't have this problem".  Looking at the situation objectively (on a great day!), I can see how silly that is and that it really is just an matter of being frustrated with the unknown.  In these times it is really easy to look fondly on the US and think that it would be easier there, but only because I was established there and had been for years.  Not to mention, like most people have already stated, my family would be there to support me.  It's just not the same on the phone, etc.

Bad days happen anywhere and usually you try to find the place or situation that would make it all better.  Most of the time I just resort to the lottery dream.   If I won the lottery...all my problems would be solved...and later I would have a million more.  

In my case I hadn't lived at home since 1989, so I was used to not having them close by.  I buy cheap phone cards in local shops and talk to my mom on the phone for a couple of hours a week.  She has some absurdly cheap long distance and calls me for a couple of hours a week as well.

I agree with the people above about missing the support of family. For me it's also feeling alone, which can be very depressing, and sometimes it gets tiresome to always be "different". I also just get really homesick for what's familiar and nothing can really make me feel at home.

At this point in time, I'm pretty sure we're going to eventually end up in America, but we're going to stay here at least another year or so because I'm not ready to leave quite yet. My SO thinks the US just offers a better quality of life than the UK, and has always really loved it there when we visit, so he's part of the reason we'll probably end up there someday. It's just very expensive to live in the UK and many things are a rip-off, so it's almost impossible for a couple just starting out like us to live very comfortably. It can be very hard to find work because of the dense population and many people are on the dole. Things seem more organized and people-friendly in the US too, and customer service is better. The houses all look different, they're usually larger for much less money and detached, and you usually get your own driveway. There isn't a nasty chav problem either (unfortunately they seem to get away with doing everything to make life unpleasant for everyone else and nobody seems to care enough to stop them  ). The weather's nicer more consistently, people seem happier in general, life doesn't revolve so much around when you can get your next drink (which is fun of course but probably not for your whole life), and my SO would probably earn a higher salary for the same job. And from stories he's told me about what schools are like, I think my future kids would be better off raised in the US... plus I think I'd want my family around. America is a big place and if you don't like one area, there's always another. It just seems like there would be more options.

But then again, I think the experience of living here is great for now, and saying all that I'm not sure if I'll be perfectly happy living in either place especially because I'm pretty used to it here now. But I think I'd at least be a bit more comfortable on my home turf in the end. It's a very hard decision to make, on top of all the other decisions you have to make in your 20's. Who knows how I'll feel in a few months?

America is a big place and if you don't like one area, there's always another. It just seems like there would be more options.

That's very, very true and such an important point to keep in mind.  Some folks who come to the UK for various reasons seem focused on the negatives about America.  That's just plain silly and ignorant.  It's a huge country and obviously many millions of folks are happy there.  If it works for them, great! 

I grew up in a conservative place - Houston, TX - and so relocated at 18 - first to Austin, TX; then to Denver - and was much happier.