Your British Peers

Hello all,

Another UK/US board brought forth an interesting topic a while ago, and I'd like to bring it up here. I'd like to know how many Americans living in Britain have had an easy time making friends.

I'm not the type of person who needs to be entertained constantly. However I have found American friendships are so much easier for me to make. Sometimes I get the impression if most Brits don't know you from infancy, they're not interested in meeting up for a drink or going to the park for a casual meeting.

These are merely my experiences. My husband is wonderfully gregarious, my mother-in-law is fantastic, the rest of hubby's family are very nice. We live in a nice area, our health is good, life is peachy except for my social problem.

Since early 2004 I made a decision to stopped being depressed about it and take life as it comes. Although life here has improved, it still isn't as good as it could be.

What say you?

Laura

I think you're right.  It is hard to make good friends here.  You've got to perservere.  Part of it is that people here already have established friendship groups.  They also have 'fall-back friends' which you've left behind.  And of course there's less you can find in common with people. 
I was lucky that I moved here when I had babies and met alot of people who were in the same situation as me.  It's a time when a lot of women find themselves having to make new friends as their situation has changed. 
It's also an idea to target other outsiders-people who've just moved into the area or are from somewhere else. 
Hugs.

 life is peachy except for my social problem.


Laura

 where do ya socialize?.....I find most people here are the same as back home in Boston......treat them with respect (take the p** a bit) and listen to them .....work on the British dry wit, if anyone can laugh at themselves the Brits and the Americans can!

I think it's not easy to compare where it's easier or harder to make friends...I moved around A LOT as a Navy brat and there were some places in America that were easy to click with people and some places that were not. I remember when we moved to Virginia and because I didn't go to the same grade school and Jr high as the other High school folk I felt left out of the loop.

I also think that people at stages of our lives have different friendship needs  and values...so your search becomes more and more refined as we grow older.


There is no doubt that anyone establishing themselves in a different culture will have difficulties clicking with others with similar values...it's finding the new approach to do so.



 

I had a little bit of a hard time, at first, but now have made several British friends.  This is due to the fact that my husband is in the Royal Marine Commandos.  This has allowed me to meet and make friends with other wives, fiances and gf's of men in his unit.

I've not made many (hardly any really) Brit friends yet, but then I don't get out much.   Being an 'old married' 40-something, no kids.  However, I've just started my first 'real' permanent job here, so we'll see if I meet some folks through work perhaps.  I don't know if it'll make a difference either way, but most of the people on my 'team' at work (so far) are very young, 20-somethings, fresh out of univ (if they went at all), unmarried with no kids.   The few friends I've made over here so far are either friends of my husband, or other Brit/American couples locally I've met through UKY.

where do ya socialize?.....I find most people here are the same as back home in Boston......treat them with respect (take the p** a bit) and listen to them .....work on the British dry wit, if anyone can laugh at themselves the Brits and the Americans can!

Whenever we attend a BBQ or get together with another couple connected to my husband, I manage fine. I can hold my own in a conversation very well, and I don't cling to him the entire night. I often get invited to Hen Parties and speak to other women concerning get-togethers.

I also cope with (and dish out plenty of) dry wit and sarcasm. Socially, I'm ok, however there are a few aspects I have a problem with. They are:

Excessive drinking
Hen Nights are great. Getting a little squiffy - a little silly is wonderful. However I'm ill at ease with getting plastered in public. It doesn't feel safe. And because I don't, I end up being matron to all the other females in the party. It's a nusiance.

Fashion and Fashionable Outtings
There's nothing wrong with taking pride in your appearance, but spontaneity can also be a virtue. I can easily arrange to go out with female friends, who insist on meeting at a loud club, and insist on going during the busiest time.

I long to call up a girlfriend and go to see a movie, or go to the local park on a pretty day or hell, even go to Sainsburys. I don't care if your hair isn't perfect, or your jeans have creases in them from the tumble dryer. How about meeting at a pub for a shandy?

I'm looking for simple, non-complicated pleasures at this point. I love England. I love the beautiful landscapes, and treasured ancient landmarks, the locale to Europe, pub culture, the varying array of wonderful cultures and accents all packed into such a tiny place and the civilized way people tend to deal with differing politcal opinions. (Unlike my Republican, Floridian relatives who insist disliking the president equates to hating the troops and being traitorously unpatriotic.)

I apologize if my posting is a little deep for a public bulletin board. However I have 3.5 years of putting up with this nonsense. Putting myself out, getting involved in a field archery club (which helps considerably) and coming to the realization I have no social circle to show for it.

Any suggestions are welcome. They can only improve the situation.

Luckily my German sister-in-law is relocating close by, and we get along well. I only wish I had nice people to introduce her to.

Laura

Unfortunately it's getting out there and trying out things (local courses in whatever you like , going to the gym) I met folks through organizing my own events ...I started organizing halloween dos , easter things, drumming groups. I also started going to juggling workshops and other fun things that interested me and that's how I made friends. The festival scene for me is my hobby and I've made friends with mums that have children my daughter's age and have similar interests..it's frustrating and I don't have a definitive answer that will work for you...sorry.

 My mum just moved to Florida on her own several years back ..and at the age of 50 it was not easy making new friends...job wise her co workers were younger that liked going out clubbing and dancing in Miami but she got involved with a lot of things and made friends..she even found someone new and they've just married last Dec...so it's not easy it just takes practice.

I hear you. I find it very hard to make friends here, especially female ones. When I first came here 5 years ago for Uni, all my female friends were from other countries. A few of the men were British - including the one I ended up marrying! - but the rest of them were also foreign.

I don't have any British female friends of my own age I could call up right now and have a chat with - let alone go anywhere with. My MIL is lovely. My SILs are ok but even if they were American we'd not be that friendly! My neighbor is nice - I'm getting to know her better. But though she's a bit younger than me, she's from such a different background to me that I'm not sure how far that will go. I have one friend who is closer to my mother's age than mine. She's also lovely but I rarely see her as she lives too far away. A few of my husband's PhD coursemates I've met... one is a possibility, but for the most part... like you... I'm on my own.

We've tried 'getting involved' so far to no avail...

I don't care if your hair isn't perfect, or your jeans have creases in them from the tumble dryer. How about meeting at a pub for a shandy?

Where do you live, Laura? I'll come to the pub with you!

I haven't had trouble making friends here, but I think that's due to a couple of things that maybe don't apply to most of you. First, I was born here. I already had aunts, uncles and cousins ready to introduce me to people. And I'm not looked at as an "outsider" (if that happens). Also, we moved a lot when I was a child -- five countries by the time I was 13. So I was already used to making new friends and kind of enjoyed the adventure of it all.

But, I've still made other non-relative friends here on my own, and haven't found it harder than in the US. But I think that's because I live in a small village here in the UK -- people walk everywhere and you bump into the same people every day in the village shop or in the post office or on the beach. After a while, people recognise you and know that you're "that American woman" who's moved into the house behind the Village Hall. So ... curiosity led to conversations which led to friendships. I now have a tight-knit group of really close female friends here, just as I had in the US. Lucky me! Two lots of friends!!

I think if I lived in a city, suburb or even large town and spent most of my time driving from place to place, it would be harder to meet new people.

My flatmate after I moved North kept nagging me to go to one of her "girl's night" thingies ..which I dreaded because it was pretty much her and a bunch of S.London girls getting trolleyed...I'm not much of a drinker  and I've had a busy work week so I was knackered...so I went to it anyway...there I met another mum who she invited which my friend just met in one of her courses ...out of the group we were the same age and had the same interests...we both weren't big drinkers we hit it off...I exchanged numbers with her and invited her  to meet up for coffee...that was a good 4 years ago...I'm closer to her than my initial mate that brought us together in the first place.


Like I've said before it's not easy and it's frustrating getting hopeful involving yourself in something on the off chance to meeting a new longtime friend only to have nothing to show for it in the end...I hear ya as well...but that's the way it unfortunately goes...sorry

unless cloning becomes affordable of course...

I had an easy time making friends.  I just meet people through whatever it is that I'm doing whether it be work, parenting or pursuing social interests.  That's been true of my life in the US and England.

If I hit it off with people, I'll take the first step to suggesting doing something.  If people are interested, they'll accept, if not they won't.  I think that's true no matter where you live.

...the varying array of wonderful cultures and accents all packed into such a tiny place and the civilized way people tend to deal with differing politcal opinions. (Unlike my Republican, Floridian relatives who insist disliking the president equates to hating the troops and being traitorously unpatriotic.)

I think it depends who you talk to, and where you are in the US. Not everyone here in the US is a full-blooded Republican. There are plenty of liberals where I come from in the US. And likewise, there are plenty of closed minded people in the UK as well, who are racist about other cultures coming into Britain. I also don't see as much cultural integration in the UK. (Ever hear the term "Pakistani" being used casually?) You're lucky to have met an open-minded group of people... there are people in the UK who look down on everything about Americans as well. I'm just saying that to even things out here, not to cause a fight.

For me, I've found it is harder to make friends beyond small talk and going out getting drunk with them. If you want to hang out with girlfriends, they normally insist on going out to a club or pub for drinks. That's how people socialize. All of my DF's friends he has known for years, some of whom he's known since he was a kid. Because of that, I am obviously cut out of a good deal of their conversations. There's also a lack of a common culture that makes it hard to bond with people. I am just hoping that when I start this new year at a new uni making friends will be easier for me, because the last place I went was just horribly snobby and this has been one of the loneliest years of my life.

Only been here 1.5 weeks, but I am hopeful that I'll make friends, even british ones, at Uni in a month when classes start. I may only make other int'l students as friends, but I'll do my best. Took me a while when i moved to arlington, va 2 yrs ago. I didn't make good girlfriends for 6mts.

I think it depends who you talk to, and where you are in the US. Not everyone here in the US is a full-blooded Republican. There are plenty of liberals where I come from in the US. And likewise, there are plenty of closed minded people in the UK as well, who are racist about other cultures coming into Britain. I also don't see as much cultural integration in the UK. (Ever hear the term "Pakistani" being used casually?) You're lucky to have met an open-minded group of people... there are people in the UK who look down on everything about Americans as well. I'm just saying that to even things out here, not to cause a fight.

For me, I've found it is harder to make friends beyond small talk and going out getting drunk with them. If you want to hang out with girlfriends, they normally insist on going out to a club or pub for drinks. That's how people socialize. All of my DF's friends he has known for years, some of whom he's known since he was a kid. Because of that, I am obviously cut out of a good deal of their conversations. There's also a lack of a common culture that makes it hard to bond with people. I am just hoping that when I start this new year at a new uni making friends will be easier for me, because the last place I went was just horribly snobby and this has been one of the loneliest years of my life.

Honeybee,

As I have stated before, I'm posting about my own experiences and personal observations. The views held by my relatives in Florida are exactly as depicted, nothing more or less. I did not state every American is a staunch Republican.

I come from Mobile, Alabama and from a non-religious household. I can say with complete certainty the UK I have grown to know over the past 3.5 years has it's problems, but is comparatively more open for reasonable debate than the Bible Belt.

Just clarifying to you my thoughts; there is nothing for you to even out. 

We agree on the drinking issue. Hubby's friends are really nice, but the women of the group fret over what I consider silly things. They can talk a solid hour about a designer handbag someone is carrying, or where they get their hair done or chat about a current sale held at Next. I try to stay interested, but often I drift away from that group and speak more to their male counterparts, who are just more interesting socially.

German sister-in-law is moving close by next week. My English MIL really needs to take it easy with the German jokes.

"How any German electricians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Just one, silly."

"Why didn't the German pharmaceutical set up shop in the Amazon Rain Forest to sell aspirin?
Because Amazonian wildlife and tribesmen wouldn't be interested in buying aspirin."

(Just take any short joke and make it totally unfunny.)

Cheers,

Laura