Mine and her opportunities

Can I jump in here as the mother of a 17 year old boy living in the UK who is currently in an "on-line relationship" with a 16 year old girl in the US?

How did he "break the news" so-to-speak. Or how did you find out?
Also, how did you take the news?
I understand that just turning up on his door-step isn't exactly the most mature step to take, but if he has another plan (i.e if her dad says no, and he has somewhere to stay etc..) then what's wrong with that? As long as he isn't sleeping on the streets.
If she came to stay in England, would you let her in your house? I mean to stay, and be ok with that and such?
Thanks all

He "met" her in some online community.  I allow him to call her (she has never once stumped up for making a phone call here, might I add...) quite often - I say "allow" because my husband and I pay the bill.

As far as how I took the "news" - there really is no news to take.  I mean, he is here and she is there.  And unless I hand over his passport and few hundred quid (which I won't) he isn't getting there.  And if she were to just "show up" on my doorstep, my first call would be to her parents and my second call would be to reschedule her flight home.  And I hope her parents would do the same if somehow my son managed to get over there.

As for him having Plan B - this is our biggest bone of contention.  I really don't feel he is mature enough to simply go with Plan B if things didn't work out.  And as his mother, I know he is in no way mature enough to spend time in a strange city all by himself without any sort of support system.

Plus, who is going to pay for Plan B?  You got it - me.  Because he is ONLY 17.  He doesn't have money for that sort of indulgence and right now for both of them, their education should be first and foremost, not some internet entanglement.

I would probably not agree to any sort of plan for her to visit which would include her staying in our home.  I'm not that "enlightened" and quite frankly, I value my privacy in my home too much to allow someone else's child I know nothing about into it for any length of time AND feel completely and utterly responsible for her so far from home in a "foreign" country.

That may sound mean, but maybe I just feel that since my husband and I made it in the end, if it's really really meant to be, then any other "teenage transatlantic" romance will, too.  And remember, we started out when all we had was snail mail - waiting weeks for letters and package to/from each other.  Very very very few phone calls - I distinctly remember not being allowed to call anyone after my mother received a $400 phone bill...

You both need to know a bit more about who you really are yourselves before you'll have anything substantial to share with each other.

*applause* 

What peedal said...

He "met" her in some online community.  I allow him to call her (she has never once stumped up for making a phone call here, might I add...) quite often - I say "allow" because my husband and I pay the bill.

As far as how I took the "news" - there really is no news to take.  I mean, he is here and she is there.  And unless I hand over his passport and few hundred quid (which I won't) he isn't getting there.  And if she were to just "show up" on my doorstep, my first call would be to her parents and my second call would be to reschedule her flight home.  And I hope her parents would do the same if somehow my son managed to get over there.

As for him having Plan B - this is our biggest bone of contention.  I really don't feel he is mature enough to simply go with Plan B if things didn't work out.  And as his mother, I know he is in no way mature enough to spend time in a strange city all by himself without any sort of support system.

Plus, who is going to pay for Plan B?  You got it - me.  Because he is ONLY 17.  He doesn't have money for that sort of indulgence and right now for both of them, their education should be first and foremost, not some internet entanglement.

I would probably not agree to any sort of plan for her to visit which would include her staying in our home.  I'm not that "enlightened" and quite frankly, I value my privacy in my home too much to allow someone else's child I know nothing about into it for any length of time AND feel completely and utterly responsible for her so far from home in a "foreign" country.

That may sound mean, but maybe I just feel that since my husband and I made it in the end, if it's really really meant to be, then any other "teenage transatlantic" romance will, too.  And remember, we started out when all we had was snail mail - waiting weeks for letters and package to/from each other.  Very very very few phone calls - I distinctly remember not being allowed to call anyone after my mother received a $400 phone bill...

You both need to know a bit more about who you really are yourselves before you'll have anything substantial to share with each other.

But what about if the situation was different, and he brought home some girl he had been going out with for a while (without you knowing) and she was English. Would you allow her to stay in your home? I mean, is it just the fact that she is from a different country? (Not a racial comment - so don't misinterpret me)... Does the fact that they have not met make you feel against the idea?

Plus, who is going to pay for Plan B?  You got it - me.  Because he is ONLY 17.  He doesn't have money for that sort of indulgence and right now for both of them, their education should be first and foremost, not some internet entanglement.

    

I like it!

Maybe I should clarify.  My son is American.  And, no, I wouldn't allow ANY girl he was seeing at this age to stay overnight in our home.

And whilst it is *possible* he could see some girl here in the UK behind my back - it'd be rather unlikely.  And if he did manage it, she would have to be a gem because he doesn't drive, hardly ever has any money and is very self-centred right about now.      I don't see many girls nowadays settling for some broke guy who has to take the bus everywhere!

It's not the fact that they haven't met.  It's the fact that she is someone else's CHILD.  And at her age, yes, she is a CHILD.  If she were 21 or 22, yes, maybe that would make a difference.  

But the idea of being responsible for some other parent's child whilst they are in unfamiliar territory is just not my bag.  Being that child's only safety net, and her being in the country being contingent on her *relationship* with my son...well, it makes things a bit sticky, really.  And it's unfair to me AND the girl, quite frankly.

As a mother - who of course was once a teen - I couldn't agree more, peedal.  

But what about if the situation was different, and he brought home some girl he had been going out with for a while (without you knowing) and she was English. Would you allow her to stay in your home? I mean, is it just the fact that she is from a different country? (Not a racial comment - so don't misinterpret me)... Does the fact that they have not met make you feel against the idea?

My answer would still be 'no'.  Want to go and live life according to your own rules?  Then go and  pay for every penny of it - in rent and bills for your own place.  That was my parents' philosophy, and I used to find it sooo cruel when I was a teen.  Now, as a woman in my mid-30s who's expecting her second child, I thank my lucky stars I had parents who loved and cared about me so much they taught me to be responsible for myself and my own decisions, including accepting responsibility for those decisions.  

But whilst my child is living in my own house as a minor - and young people under 18 are minors in the US, as a parent, I'm going to feel responsible for her.  That's just the nature of being a parent.  So is having her best interests in mind, even when she doesn't know what those are.  That's my job as her mum just now.  To keep those interest to heart and *hopefully* teach her to recognise what those are for herself when she's an adult.  

And having her boyfriend stay w/us in our home just doesn't fall into that category, IMO.

Also, if you think life's unfair now, wait till you start working full time and paying council tax  .

How about looking for a summer job that you both could apply for in the states next summer.  Have a look at the Camp America website.  Maybe that would be a good way to get to know each other with other people around in a safe environment without having to worry too much about flights and visas.  Things will be alot easier when you're both seventeen or eighteen.  Hang in there.   

Camp America sounds like a good idea! You could both go and that way you would get to spend a whole summer together.  Hey Mindy isn't that how you met your husband back before the internet existed?

Camp America sounds like a good idea! You could both go and that way you would get to spend a whole summer together. Hey Mindy isn't that how you met your husband back before the internet existed?

Yup.  Back in the old days.  I reccomend any young person doing it.  I'm a great believer in travelling when you're young.  Go on.  See the world.

that sounds great!

He "met" her in some online community.

 


I'm reminded of an incident several years ago where my daughter (she was in her late teens at the time) called me in a manic-panic, "Dad, can you neutralize somebody for me?  It's really important".

"Sorry?"

"I met a guy and he's really nice, and we really need to be together, but he can't come to England without a visa and I told him that you can get people neutralized at the Home Office.  So will you help?"

"Do you mean 'naturalized'"?

"Whatever", she was impatient, "it's the thing you did so we don't need passports anymore.  It's really important so can you do it?"

"How did you meet him if he's not in England?"

"I was on ICQ and started talking to him.  We have been together nearly every day since then..."

"What does your mother have to say about it?" (we had been separated for about 3-4 years by that time)

"She doesn't know.  I'm only telling you because he needs to be notarized or whatever you call it..."

"Well I don't think so, sweetheart, they can't be doing with naturalizing someone just because you chatted with him on ICQ..."

"WHY NOT???"

====

[Spirited discussion follows.  and so on and so on........]

Oh - so you've been there, done that, got the t-shirt, too? 

lol garry, that's cute!