Anybody dealt with bullying?

I'm having a hard time understanding what bullying is....a definition online is: 

The word 'bullying' is used to describe many different types of behaviour ranging from teasing or deliberately leaving an individual out of a social gathering or ignoring them, to serious assaults and abuse. Sometimes it is an individual who is doing the bullying and sometimes it is a group.

My 12 year old son is being "investigated" for bullying.  There's a child who last year 'leached' on to my son.  They don't really have any common interests and the personalities don't mesh.  An incident happened over the summer (my son was out of country, so not involved) between this child and other friends, and that pretty much split the group up.  Now they're back in school and don't want to hang out with this kid.  They've told him that they don't want to hang around with him and for him to stop following them. 

Those parents have now gone to almost each of the parents involved and informed them of the bullying and demand it to stop.  (they even yelled at a child involved in a parking lot - yelling, "if you don't' stop, I'll have a go at you".....school is taking a stance that it was perfectly ok for him to yell at that child and threaten him like that)  I talked to my son, got his side of the story, and I see it as just a 'moving on'.  I've told him to now just ignore this child because saying anything to him gets my son in trouble.  The only time they interact is at lunchtime, and I feel that my son shouldn't have to spend a whole lunchtime with someone who he doesn't like.  The parents say that he has other friends, so why doesn't he hang with them?

I now find out from the school that the advice I gave my son (to ignore) is an act of exclusion and therefore bullying.  Why don't they sit all the boys down together and talk about how to "break up" properly....teach them how to do that!  Instead, it's an "investigation" and my son the other day had to place his hand over his heart and say "I promise on my heart that I'm not bullying this child."  What's up with that?

My stomach is in knots over this.  I don't want my son to be mean to anyone, but it's just natural to want to hang out with people you enjoy being with.  Don't we do that as adults?  We just learn to avoid those that we don't want to talk to, right?  My son isn't perfect, of course!  In the past, he's had fallouts with kids and they don't speak for a while and then they're back being friends again.  I didn't get involved and go talk to the parents involved.  I just let them work it out on their own.  I think this has escalated way too much because those parents are trying to make everyone be friends with their son....life doesn't work that way!

So - any advice out there?  Help!!  I'm going crazy.

Sorry, you're going through this.  I've been on the other side.  Yes, we all move on from friendships and no he should not have to be friends with someone he doesn't like.  But as an adult, if there's a person you don't like, do you tell them to 'go away'?  Do you ignore them?  No.  You're polite to them.  You're remotely friendly.
If I were you I'd make an appointment with the school and find out exactly what he's being accused of.  Beleive me, when they have a child who accuses others of bullying, they make them be very specific of who said what to whom.  Schools NEVER automatically take the word of the bullied child. 
In my experience with children and bullying there are usually two vastly different sides to the story.  And the truth is usually somewhere in the middle.  You need to find out what's going on, support your son, but also keep an open mind that there's more to the story. 

Talk to the school and tell them what you told your son.

On a side note - I think people here take "bullying" over the top!  I mean what kid hasn't had some sort of bullying in their life. My mother's advice to me was "ignore them and sooner or later they will find someone else to pick on". Which was always the case.

Now ignoring them is "bullying"?  I just don't get that.

If the other kid is leaching on to your child - maybe have a talk with his mother?

My 12 year old is going through the same thing with a kid at his school.  There is one boy that none of the other boys like and this boy is causing a lot of problems with the "group".  My 12 year old is not being investigated for bullying though - the other boys are just making sure they aren't around this other boy.  I talked in length about the situation and when B (my 12 year old) told me the whole story it seemed like he was handling it right - so no need for us to get involved.

Kids can be amazing in their own "dynamic" without a lot of adult interference.

Good Luck with your situation.

I've been thinking about this some more.  It's made me remember a situation I was in when my oldest(now 16) started secondary school.  She went to a school where she knew only one other boy when she started.  They had both been bullied in primary school and that was the reason that they were making a 'fresh start' where they didn't know anyone.  They'd never been friends with each other but I was really good friends with his Mum.  And if I'm being honest, neither one was especially known for their social skills.
After a few weeks my friend came to me and accused my daughter of bullying.  It was a long time ago and I can't remember it all but it was something about how my daughter had been talking about him and telling people about his past(bullying) in order to make friends.  
This didn't seem like something she'd do.  Remembering now, I think that I thought she wasn't socially adept enough to do that.  I went to my daughter and her story was something like he had been acting weird, he'd brought up her past(bullying) first and she'd told him to go away.  
I remember piecing the two stories together and coming up with a fairly plausable story of two children who wanted to fit in, one had been embarrassed and one had lashed out.  I tried to give my friend the other side of the story but she didn't want to hear it and we had a major falling out.  
We talked to the school who didn't know anything about it, but they promised to keep an eye on it.  
And the important thing is that I NEVER let my daughter think that it was OK to be anything less that nice to this boy.  That she didn't have to like him.  She didn't have to be friends  with him, but she couldn't  be mean to him or laugh at him EVER.  I continued to keep an eye on this for the rest of her time in secondary school-to the point that it almost became a running joke accompanied by a lot of sighing and eye rolling.  
You're right, your son might be entirely innocent here, but I think it's important that you let him know that you expect him to treat this child with respect.  It's just an opinion, but I think you should stop using words like 'leaching' and only talk about this child in positive(but honest) terms..  It may seem silly to do the hand on heart thing, but you shouldn't undermine the school by telling your son you think that.  
Hope it all works out.  

You're right, your son might be entirely innocent here, but I think it's important that you let him know that you expect him to treat this child with respect.  It's just an opinion, but I think you should stop using words like 'leaching' and only talk about this child in positive(but honest) terms.

I agree. 

When I questioned "B" about the boy at school, I only asked why he and the other boys didn't like him, etc.  Completely neutral.  I wouldn't automatically take "B's" side.  I just felt great that he was willing to talk openly about the situation with me.

I think I have been neutral and have told my son that I would be horrified if I heard he was being mean and calling names, etc.  And the things that I express online would not be what I would express to my child...I know not to stoke the fire.  I guess my confusion/frustration is with this childs' parents - coming to my house and being very angry with me.  Up to to that point, I had thought it was a situation that the kids could work out on their own.  Now I'm feeling defensive and trying to work through those emotions. 

The parents came to your house?? What did they say/do? While I mostly agree with what the others have said, I don't think the parents should be coming to your home and creating a confrontational situation. How do they know where you live anyway?

It was a hoot!  I had just gotten out of my relaxing tub, bubbles and glass of wine, was in my pj's and had mascara black streaks down my face!  I answer the door and they say they'd like to discuss my son with me.  Ok....I think...but I'm not letting ya in!  They gave me the "history" of what happened while I had been away.  I listened, and then explained what I had heard from my son.  I told them that I think the boys should all sit down together and discuss this with a "connexions rep" from school who deals with this.  They were against that because they felt it would be a whole room of people against their son.  I know this couple somewhat because our kids have done some stuff together in the past.  Let's just say, I don't do confrontation well!

They came to your house? (sorry to repeat)

Hmmmm dunno what I would have done in that situation....I don't handle confrontation well either...that's just not on....

Of course you could explain to them that you can't *make* the boys like their son....

gosh...tough one...

I think telling your son to completely ignore the other child is not a wise decision.  Be polite and have as little direct contact as possible, but not ignore.

When I was 12, the vast majority of my friends at school decided to completely ignore my existence.  It wasn't a gradual thing, it literally happened overnight.  I have no idea what made them do this.  While, yes, I did have other friends at school, they weren't ones that I spent free time with which left me more or less completely on my own during the school day.  I was never given a reason why I was suddenly pushed out, and for the rest of the school year it ate away at me.  I never told my teachers or my parents.  To this day I don't think my mother knows I spent the last few months of 6th grade miserable and dreading every school day.

I know that my experience is not the exact same situation, but I thought you might like to hear from someone who was in a similar place to the child your son supposedly bullied.  I obviously don't know all the details and am not saying your son is guilty of anything.  What I'm trying to say is that there may be more going on with the bullied child than you know.  Twelve is a difficult age in the best circumstances, it's sheer misery when you've been pushed out by your peers.

I would like to add that I think your idea of having the kids sit down with someone to discuss the situation is a great idea.  I'm sorry that the other parents don't see it that way, as it will probably help all the kids involved.  Can you talk with someone at the school about arranging it, or do you need to have parental consent?  As much as it would have been awful and uncomfortable, I wish that I'd been able to sit down with my bullies and figure out what happened.  

I'm sorry if it sounded like I was judging you.  I don't know you so have no idea what you'd do in any given situation.  I'm just looking at it as someone who has just been through a year of absolute hell because my daughter's friends decided that they didn't want to be friends with her.  No, I don't think they should be forced to like my child and I certainly don't think they should be forced to be friends with her.  But I also don't think that they should ignore her, refuse to sit next to her, get up and leave when she enters a room, campaign to stop other people going to her birthday party, spread lies and rumours about her, make up bogus emails that she supposedly sent to get her in trouble and turn more people against her, change their MSN nicknames so that they're an unmistakable dig at her or make her life so horrible that she refused to go to school.  All because they didn't want to be her friend anymore.  And they were so sly that even I believed that it was a falling out among friends for months.  And there is no way to 'walk away' from that.  They were on a mission and they were certainly not going to 'move on to the next one'. 
All I'm suggesting is that maybe there's more going on here than you know.  And if I had known the parents address I might have gone around and screamed until they listened.  I can't describe how worrying and frustrating and upsetting it is when your child is bullied.

When I was 12, the vast majority of my friends at school decided to completely ignore my existence.  It wasn't a gradual thing, it literally happened overnight.  

That would have been like heaven to me at that age! 

That would have been like heaven to me at that age! 

I know you meant this post in good humor, but it was a really hurtful and awful time for me.  I'd appreciate it if you didn't make light of it.  Thanks. 

Thanks everybody!  Your advice and sharing of experiences has made my heart become a bit more tender to these parents' situation...we're all just doing our best (hopefully) to raise our kids and that's what they're doing.  I shouldn't have gotten so defensive with them and the school.  Perhaps it's a bit of the unknown - new school system and not really knowing what "investigation" means!  For sure, being 12 seems to be the year things happen....I remember being slapped around on the playground by a girl who I thought was my friend.  When she was asked why she was hitting me, she said "it's because she won't be my friend."  We laugh about it now because we're still good friends, thankfully.

I just wonder how many people have been bullied as kids and are okay now as adults?

Mindy - what you describe is exactly (except for the computer related things) some things I went through as a kid.  These kinds of things happen to kids all the time in every generation.  My parents never interfered.  When I told them what was going on - they said to "turn the other cheek" - ignore it, etc.  I had a girl corner me in the locker room in middle school and threaten to smash my face with her brush.  She was serious.  I just stood there and stared into her face.  She backed down.

Even though I am sensitive to the OP situation - I still think that people are going a bit over the top.  Kids will be kids and if adults do too much interference - kids are going to grow up soft - always looking for someone to bail them out.  But perhaps that is a topic for a new thread.