New Rules for 2006 (forwarded from a male friend):
*New Rule:* Stop giving me that pop-up ad for Classmates.com! There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days: mowing my lawn.
*New Rule:* Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain? Trout?
Luckily, it was only a finger! If it was a whole hand, Bill Frist would have declared it sentient after seeing a picture of it, and Congress would have voted to keep it alive.
*New Rule:* Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we're done. And you Hispanic women, you know that thing where you shave them off completely and paint or (worse still) tattoo them on arched so that you look constantly surprised?
We hate that.
*New Rule*: There's no such thing as flavored water.
There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket:
water, but without that watery taste.
Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some single malt scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water.
*New Rule:* The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the a**hole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a " decaf grande half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low and one NutraSweet ," you're a major a**hole.
*New Rule:* Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you spiritual. And, by the way, it translates to "beef with broccoli."
The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high. And you know what the boys call those when they're right above the crack of your ass? Tramp Stamps. Guess why?
*New Rule:* Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the U.S. Open of Competitive Eating, because watching those fat, sallow, heart-attack-waiting-to-happen athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting. What's next, competitive farting ? Oh wait. They're already doing that. It's called "The Howard Stern Show" and starting in January you'll have to pay $12 a month to indulge.
*New Rule:* If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's remember the reason something was a television show in the first place: the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie.
*New Rule:* No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab.
Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of looting.
*New Rule, and this one is long overdue:* No more bathroom attendants. After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just had sex with George Michael. I can't even tell if he's supposed to be there, or he's just some freak with a fetish. I don't want to be on your web cam, dude. I just want to wash my hands.
*New Rule*: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know in months. "27 Months." "He's two,"
will do just fine. He's not a cheese.
And I didn't really care in the first place, except that I was curious why the little brat was still in diapers and being breast fed when he looks five.
Happy New Year!
