quotes

   It isn`t premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married.
                                                                                    -- Drew Carey

“I bought a doughnut and they gave me a receipt for the doughtnut... I don't need a receipt for the doughnut. I give you money and you give me the doughnut, end of transaction. We don't need to bring ink and paper into this. I can't imagine a scenario that I would have to prove that I bought a doughnut. To some skeptical friend, 'Don't even act like I didn't get that doughnut, I've got the documentation right here... It's in my file at home. ...Under "D".'”

"When I was a boy of fourteen, my father was so ignorant I   
could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got   
to be twenty-one, I was astonished by how much he'd learned   
in seven years."   
                           ---Mark Twain   

Being a woman is a terribly difficult task, since it consists principally in dealing with men.  ~Joseph Conrad

We are the president.
                         - - Hillary Clinton

"How to store your baby walker: First, remove baby."
- Anonymous Manufacturer

  Whenever you want to marry someone, go have lunch with his ex-wife.
-- Shelley Winters

"I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio."  ~ Rodney Dangerfield ~

"Money can't buy you happiness but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery."
                                                                                                              - Spike Milligan

If more of us valued food and cheer and song above hoarded gold, it would be a merrier world     
~ J.R.R. Tolkien

It's much easier to turn a friendship into love, than love into friendship.
                                                                                                       -- Unknown

you fit into me
like a hook into an eye

a fish hook
an open eye

Margaret Atwood

 its a far far better thing that i have done, than i have ever done

 Charles Dickens  A TALE OF TWO CITIES

"Neither a borrower, nor a lender be..."

From Hamlet:  The Musical!!!  http://www.gilligansisle.com/hamlet.html

There are a lot, both serious and funny, but I'll go with this:

"I once bought some batteries, but they weren't included, so I had to buy them again."

Steven Wright