Are we the only ones???

My fiance and I will be moving back to the US when my course and final exams finish at the end of May. We'll be moving back to my hometown on the Massachusetts coast, where my family lives. We've sent off our K-1 visa and everything (expensive!) and we're just waiting to hear their response. So we're really doing this -- we're just kind of in a waiting period now, on top of work and college.

I've been over here for over 2 years and although I am really happy about the fact we're moving "home" again (I've missed it sooo much at times), I have mixed feelings. Emotionally, how easy is it to repatriate? How quickly do you feel normal again? Does anyone know firsthand?  If you moved back with a British spouse, how well have they coped???

Both of us are really looking forward to this, but I'd really like to hear from anyone else who is going through this, has gone through it, or is thinking of going through it.... so I don't feel like we're the only ones! Can anyone offer any support or advice?



Thanks! 

I moved back at the end of September 2005.

I am so glad we moved and still don't really know why we didn't do it sooner.

For the first month I almost felt like we where visiting. Our stuff hadn't arrived, I wasn't working, Tony was working from home flexable hours so we went out alot during the day, and we lived with my mom. So it was exactly like being on holiday.

Once we got a car of our own and I got my licence it began to feel a bit more real. I registered with a temp agency and got myself working even if it only was a few days out of the month. It really hit hard that we had actually moved over for good the day all of our stuff arrived. We had all those boxes and no where to put them! As stressful as that was we still had fun over the next week unpacking and finding homes for things. Alot of our stuff is sitting in our garrage, but it definelty feels like we are living there now having most of our things around us again.

Emotonally I was a mess. THe months before I just wanted to go and was kindof in a bad mood all of the time. My last day of work and when we checked into out hotel at the airport it hit me that we where actually going. I spent the weekend (it was suposed to be a relaxing weekend for us in our hotel) worried that we had forgotten something. I unpacked and repacked all of our baggage (six large bags!) over and over again. When we landed in LA I actually cried! I don't cry for anything. It was like an emotional release that I could actually take it easy now that I was actually home.

Now a few months into being home it feels like I never left. We were in the UK for 4 1/2 years. I never did settle very well and my british husband didn't like it there. He had spent alot of his childhood in Singapore so was happier in Southern California with the weather like it was.

THings are really moving along for us. We have one car, Tony is working hard, I just got a full time job, and we are looking to buy our second car and move out of my mom's soon. We just want to get a bit more of savings and we are still waiting for the sell on our flat in the UK to close sometime in the next month or two.

Tony loves it here. He said it felt like home the first time he visited over 4 years ago. He was settled after a few weeks. Before me actually. He hasn't made alot of new friends on his own because he has been working so hard, but loves going out with my girlfirends and their other halfs. Tony doesn't mind not having a car most of the time. He is happy hanging out in the back yard or cooking for us while I am out at work or shopping. He has even taken the bus on his own, which isn't a fun thing in LA, but he likes it. He loves living with my mom. THey get along great and that has helped him alot. He never had a good relationship with his mother, so he loves having one with mine.

My best advice is not to panic when you actually move! If you have taken time to pack everytyhing and take care of all the paperwork in the weeks and months before you probaly have it all covered!

Don't be surpised if where you are moving too, if you have lived there before has changed. Don't look at it as moving back home, but back to America. Things in my old neigborhood changed alot even since my last visit 4 months before. I think it helped visiting while I lived in the UK so I could kindof keep up with the changes. I think if I hadn't visted moving home may have come as more of an adjustment.

Goodluck and feel free to PM me if you would like.

I moved back to Chicago in September 2004 with my British husband and our two young boys after living in England for eight years.

Emotionally, I was all over the place.   Eight years of your life is hard to give up; but then I gave up a lot to live there.  However, my instincts always told me that returning to the US was the right thing for me.

All of the paperwork involved in selling a house, movers, DCFing, worrying about schools, cars, insurance, etc., etc., etc., was at times overwhelming.  After we moved into our new house (in Chicagoland) and our stuff arrived, I mentally switched off for at least three or four months! 

A lot here had changed and I had that same feeling of "learning" things - similar to when I first moved to England.  LOL

But now that it's been nearly a year, I'm glad that I'm back.  For me, it was the right decision.     I do know that living abroad has changed me, and often I feel different for those experiences.   But that's a good thing actually.  I often joke that I'm one step out of sync here, one step out of sync there.

Good luck!  If you have any questions, feel free to pm me. 

We were completely TORN about the decision, and in the end his job (which transferred him to the US to set up operations here) and our desire to have the rest of our babies in the US really decided for us. We both had mixed feelings going in to repatriation, but knew it was the right thing to do. It took me a good 6 months to feel like I actually lived in America again. I felt like a foreigner in my own land, because so much had changed, and I had only been away 3 years!

David has coped very well, but he had always wanted to live in America, before he knew me. (And oh believe me there are many jokes about me being his little Green Card  ) His job has had him travelling around the world since he was 16 and so he was quite used to living part of his life away from the UK anyway... and that has gone a long way in helping him cope here. Also, we moved over here with another English family, my husband's boss and his wife and son. So it is almost like we've moved a bit of England with us, and we've all just relocated together to Illinois.

I still feel a bit like an outsider, but not in a bad way. Just that living in England changed me - for the better I think - and that makes me a different person here. I've got a wider sense of what matters, I think. A larger arena of concern.

It has helped that we've been able to go back to England several times as well, to fix the need to see family and eat proper Indian food. (And for me to go shopping )

We both still feel terribly homesick for England sometimes, but are happy with our decision. At the end of the day, part of our hearts and one of our homes will always be in England. We'll always be a bit split in that regard. But we knew we were signing up for that when we got together, and it is worth it to us. David and my son are my entire life and world, and if a bit of homesickness and international weirdness is what I need to do to have them, then so be it.

We or may not repatriate one day... it really depends on when and if we feel the timing is right... for me it's not about feeling bad living here or going back home as I love it here and have no place I call home except my parents house. Where they live now I would never move too... in a million years. 

For me it's about family and I would move back for my parents and only to a state or place that had very specific characteristics. Mass would be one of those states. 

Somewhere in expat life I think I started a thread on things about the USA your spouse should know.  It might be worth while looking at it as it deals with some things that spouses might not expect.

My DH really wanted to live in the USA and we thought it best for our quality of life etc.  3.5 years later we are in the UK.

I guess just be prepared for anything.  A lot of how your spouse copes will be very personal.  Some never get homesick and hated living in the UK, some miss it terribly. Most people are in the middle and wish we could take all the good things about places and smoosh them together. It depends on personal circumstances and family ties etc.  Kind of try to think about how you feel living here and be aware your spouse might feel the same.  One thing is the idea of living somewhere and the other thing is the day to day living somewhere.

Regardless, I hope you have a smooth transition back and that you are happy with your life back home. I know I'd likely feel differently if I had grown up in one place... then again my mom grew up in one place and after 7 years of living in the USA went back home... only to never be homesick again....because she saw what she left and was happy she had left it!  Plus her mom lived with us off and on.

Thank you so much to all of you for your very helpful feedback! It's nice to hear positive things from other people who have been through the same thing. Your support and advice are sooo appreciated, believe me. When I read your responses today I felt so much better. 

My fiance especially cannot wait to get out of here... I think he's shaped my views significantly on living here longterm. He's just not happy here, and I trust his judgment because he's lived here his whole life. He has gotten a great impression of the US in the times he's visited (sunnier weather, great bargains, friendly people, lots of space and nature, etc etc etc). He loves the part of the US my family's from, so I'm really thankful for that. I'm also thankful to be with someone who actually is willing to do something so big for me -- I know of people who are with people who unfortunately aren't.

We may eventually end up in a place like Maine  after a year or so, if we can get jobs in the cities up there -- affordable, plenty of beautiful scenery and space, and lots to do. My grandparents live there too so I feel a connection to it. Does anyone know anything about living in Maine?  Or any other suggestions?

Once again, thanks so much -- if there's any more you can tell me, please let me know!

~Sarah

We too are in the process of moving back to the US. I grew up here, left at 21 and came back at 35. We've been here for 2yrs had our first baby and have just never settled. Our homes are up for sale and as soon as there gone, we're headed back to sunny California, we can't wait!!!

Its hard to figure out where to move if you don't have ties to a specific place.
I DO know that after all that gloom and rain I NEEDED SUN!!! LOL

However we also wanted a place near the east coast so hubs could easily hop a plane (and not be stuck longer then 8 hours) back to the UK for visits.

Plus I had to be in close-ish range of my mother in case she needed me after she was ill.

Compromise it is....so we ended up in Raleigh...which is very very nice.  I would have adored living closer to the mountains of Asheville, but the high tech jobs aren't so plentiful there.
I would have loved Wilmington....but the threat of hurricanes doesnt appeal LOL.

One day we would love to try California, but for now, the welcoming south it is.  The people have been wonderful here, the Research Triangle offers many job opps, and the lakes are super!

Thank you so much to all of you for your very helpful feedback! It's nice to hear positive things from other people who have been through the same thing. Your support and advice are sooo appreciated, believe me. When I read your responses today I felt so much better. 

My fiance especially cannot wait to get out of here... I think he's shaped my views significantly on living here longterm. He's just not happy here, and I trust his judgment because he's lived here his whole life. He has gotten a great impression of the US in the times he's visited (sunnier weather, great bargains, friendly people, lots of space and nature, etc etc etc). He loves the part of the US my family's from, so I'm really thankful for that. I'm also thankful to be with someone who actually is willing to do something so big for me -- I know of people who are with people who unfortunately aren't.

We may eventually end up in a place like Maine  after a year or so, if we can get jobs in the cities up there -- affordable, plenty of beautiful scenery and space, and lots to do. My grandparents live there too so I feel a connection to it. Does anyone know anything about living in Maine?  Or any other suggestions?

Once again, thanks so much -- if there's any more you can tell me, please let me know!

~Sarah

I own a home on the southern coast of Maine and we are moving back there this coming summer (if my husband's visa is approved!) but I don't know if we will be there more than a year or two...will depend on what kind of job my husband can get in/around Portland. He is a chemical engineer...I used to teach school before moving. Not having jobs lined up yet is so scary!

What has made you think about Maine? It is a gorgeous state...in the spring, summer and fall...hahaha! Winter is ok too I guess!

What a wonderful bunch of responses

I think having been "away" from home for some time, really does shape you in many unexpected ways. For some, they find a spiritual home away from where they were born and some literally get to just "go home".

I am the Brit half of our marriage and I have come back to the US for a second time. The first time was dreadful, as newlyweds with unrealistic expectations and hopes, none of them panned out and we went back to the UK, worked hard to expand our skills in our professional lives so that if we could ever come back, the jobs part wouldn't be the concern it normally would be.

Everything has worked out wonderfully this time around (it's all in the timing, I'm convinced) and I feel so much happier and more relaxed here. Apart from the material side of life (which is important, it's no fun living somewhere hateful if you can't afford to move, even with the love of your life), there is something intangible for me this time around.

My husband has been able to re-connect with certain family members, my best friend is 20 mins away with her family and I love our new lifestyle, it's re-juvenated and revived our spirits and I personally have no interest in living in the UK ever again, even though some of it is beautiful, I can't actually afford to live in the beautiful areas or enjoy it for what it is, but it will probably always be "home".

We both have been lucky enough to get really great jobs, we have a small car and much like Sweetypeabea we manage and for us, it was almost instant and yet, right now...we are living with in-laws, so, not idea

So, to answer the original question...it felt somewhat tense waiting to get here, wondering endlessly about the unknown and how you are both going to handle it - but I think that's a big part of the process, it's important to almost "feel the fear and do it anyway", such a leap of faith in many ways and the rewards from that are great or can be.

I also believe it helps when, as a couple, you have both experienced living in the other person's country for a while, it just gives you a different perspective and you are able to understand and support your partner effectively for that experience.

Sarah, I know you have had some frustrating times in my country and you will be forever grateful for that, in many ways in the years to come, but try not to worry, you're coming home and you both will be just fine, it can be anything you want it to be this time, a new start, but in a familiar place. I always try to remember the people who don't get the opportunity to do this and think how lucky we are, that we can.

Good Luck!
 

Well put NewDawn!  I am a firm believer that you have to be in the right place at the right time, which is why my DH and I don't rule out ever moving. 

I used to live in VA and at one point swore I would never move back...then life made it that I did and I loved it.  It was just the right time for us.  When my DH move to the USA it did not work out for us and after 3.5 years we are in the UK.  So far so good, but I have parents to think about and who knows... I might one day decide to join Honeybee in Maine!

 

I own a home on the southern coast of Maine and we are moving back there this coming summer (if my husband's visa is approved!) but I don't know if we will be there more than a year or two...will depend on what kind of job my husband can get in/around Portland. He is a chemical engineer...I used to teach school before moving. Not having jobs lined up yet is so scary!

What has made you think about Maine? It is a gorgeous state...in the spring, summer and fall...hahaha! Winter is ok too I guess!

That's so cool you have a home there! I've always felt a connection to Maine because my grandparents live there and I've visited there my whole life. It's truly a gorgeous place. My fiance has visited my grandparents up there with me several times and he loves it as much as I do. 

I'm going to live with my parents for a while though, to work locally and build up some money before we decide to move anywhere.

Thanks so much New-Dawn! Your posts are sooo encouraging! 

Aww, thanks Sarah & VNP anytime.  Feel free to PM/e-mail if you want