Help me stay in here or figure out what I'm doing. Can I vent to some social workers for a bit? I just need somewhere to help me cope and find some directions without it coming back to hurt me. Forgive me if this becomes long. I don't want to make it it's own post for everyone to read, I wanted to keep it more tuned in to other social workers--especially if some may have training and experience that is more like mine.
I'm a US trained MSW, and I've been at a post in Children's Services for about 2.5 years, but one year of that was maternity leave. All my work experience in the US was more clinical in nature, and I'd never done child protection work in the US even. My BSW field work was in mental health.
I'm wanting to talk to someone who may understand some of what I'm going through. I'm really struggling in this job, and it is completely overwhelming lately. My service manager was part of the panel that interviewed me, and they brought me in because of my experience in the USA, as a level 3 social worker, on the assumption that with training, I would be able to rise to the performance of that level.
Then I got thrown in to a bad, bad, bad work environment my first year--no training, no supervision, no management (strings of managers quitting and not being able to hire replacements for a while). I had a very heavy caseload, and nobody realised how much I was actually doing until I left and my caseload was reallocated when I went on maternity leave to a full time social worker with experience (I work half time) and he was not able to cope with it all. Everything I learned, I taught myself through trial and error or asking team members. I had no time for proper training.
On returning, my service manager recognized that they had not been fair to me, but I had spent much of that first year with her threatening to downgrade me and subsequently cut my pay because I wasn't living up to a level three expectation--even though they did nothing to help me get there as had been expected.
When I came back from maternity, it was better, management was more stable--although I'm now getting my third manager in less than a year. And the caseloads were more balanced, but I'm still being plagued by my service manager saying I'm not able to cope as a level 3 and that I can't be relied upon. I feel (and my current manager, who is leaving today, but has been kind and seems to understand me agrees) that I was set up in many ways to fail. I've been given expectations with no experience, and I could only ever come back as a disappointment from that. My service manager keeps commenting about less experienced social workers handling the workload better--but I can't help feeling that even the students are better equipped sometimes. All their training and focus was geared toward work in this environment since that's where the majority will work, at least initially.
I think now I'm realising that I'm often giving too much. Sometimes it's hard to prioritise all the myriad of things that everyone tells me need doing. My nature is to try to make things work, and to do what I can to not just slap a band-aid on things and go. I've worked more as a therapist than anything else due to my training, and while I'm not trying to do therapy, I think I sometimes have a hard time recognizing what is and isn't my job. I end up doing more than I think others in my team are doing, and giving far more time than I'm actually being paid for--pushing burnout, only to get in trouble for it all. My ADHD hasn't helped as I sometimes get overwhelmed by how I can have mountains of people all placing demands on me at the same time. It sometimes feels like each thing I do brings me back to the office with a list of five other things that need doing (and a mountain of paperwork to do for each of them). The mountains of insane bureaucratic paperwork for everything I do is overwhelming (every visit to a CP case or CIN case requires filling out forms that, when printed, take 10-15 pages)
Being part-time also doesn't seem to help. I thought it would just mean a smaller caseload, but if a case kicks off--it swallows your entire week to sort it--leaving other necessary things undone, which you then get in trouble for.
So I'm in an environment that requires quick and decisive, but I'm feeling lost--and it is hugely hampered by my service manager (who has been the same woman for most of the time I've been here) who I feel has it in for me and will never see me as anything but a disappointment (I would give anything to go back to my interview stage and start at a lower level). I feel constantly under threat, and it's eating at me. My husband is really worried about me in recent weeks. The whispered conversations from colleagues are that once this service manager has you in her mind as a problem, she will not change her mind no matter what, and you need to watch your back because she will make life very difficult--and she's very skilled at backing herself up and leaving you feeling beat down to where you can't fight back safely.
I don't think I can do this anymore, but I don't want to leave feeling I'm doing bad at a job--especially since this (Children's Services) is the basic job in this country--the one everyone expects people to be able to do (even if you get lucky and eventually find a different kind of post). I also can't find any openings right now for other jobs, and my husband is in his first year of starting a business, so we rely on my salary. The jobs market in Wales is really bad right now, and I can't do more than part-time since I have family commitments and also do a small private practice, which has kept me sane professionally. I don't think that could be expanded though--probably not yet.
I love social work, I felt a huge part of my identity with it back in the US, but I'm drowning here and don't know what to do. I'm feeling embarrassed by how long this post is--that's what I get for writing in the middle of the night when I can't sleep. I just need to make some decisions, but I'm not sure I really can. I'm not really sure what I'm looking for in posting this--maybe just sympathy, but it would help if I could find out if others have struggled to come from a more clinical MSW focus to the slam of child protection work here. I used to feel like a good social worker, but I'm drowning and have no confidence left. Maybe I'm looking for what I should get in supervision, but I'm afraid to bring up because I know it will be used against me in some way in the end. Sorry if this is too much information--that's what I get for posting at 4 am after a sleepless night. My outgoing manager has asked me to email her my thoughts on what can help tomorrow, and I'm at a total loss of what to say. Tomorrow is her last day, after that it will go straight to management I am either afraid of (her boss the service manager) or to a manager who doesn't know me at all.