Am fed up, miserable, lonely and want to go home - NOW!

Hugs darlin'  Many of us have been where you are.  I can say for sure I was one of them.  I know how hard it is to adapt and feel how you are feeling.

One thing I did was decide not to continue my career as a Fundraiser from the start.  Of course I didn't like the job I got either, but I did make good friends there so I was lucky with that.  But putting yourself through this is just not worth it.  Is it possible to look for something else?  Something you like better?  I|t really does make all the difference. (At least it did for me)

Just know you have support here when you need it and feel free to PM me anytime.

The first job we get here does seem to be a really important issue for so many of us.  Some people are really lucky and find something within their career path right away while others have to wait a while.  I certainly fell into the second camp -- my first job here was just part-time basic admin in a small office.  I didn't love the job and it certainly wasn't a career goal, but it got me out of the house, helped me to meet people, and put a little extra money in my pocket.  Getting that first job was a huge step for me and I'm convinced that having some UK experience, however menial, really helped me land my current position, which actually is a professional position that's linked to my degree.  It also helped me to be a bit more independent in that I had to go somewhere without DH.  I got to learn a new part of the city and I actually had something to talk about with DH at the end of the day other than Judge Judy!   

This won't make you feel any better but - I have been here for 6 years and only last October did I find a job that suited me.  Of course looking back - back in the USA it took me 7 years to find the *perfect* job and then I left it to move here!

My first couple of years working here - I did temp work - which was great as I could move around from job to job quite a bit and get a feel of what I really wanted.

I can also say that, although I am in my degree field - I still don't make as much money as I should (USA vs UK qualification difference there!).

I agree with the posts here - get out and about.  When you get into a routine it's hard not to completely dread life as a whole.  Whether it's for a walk - drive - bus journey - etc...go exploring - even if you live in a place that you think is horrible. (bus companies do specials on fares after peak time)

Heck I work in Bristol and I think it's a dump - but after exploring it I found some real gems.  Now of course it's familiar so that lessens my abhorrence of it.

I know you don't want to hear it - but hang in there - the grass is not always greener....

I really feel for you! I have been here for a couple of years and while I don't hate it here at all I really really miss my family and friends in the US (I have older children there and my heart has not felt "at peace" the whole time I have been here!) I struggle with the "get on the plane and fly back" every few weeks...and I do have the money (well, a credit card at least!) so it has been an exercise in self-control NOT to get tickets for me and the twins.

I understand your frustration about not getting a job in the field you trained for. I do supply teaching a few days a week which pays ok, but is not consistent, and is HELL to live through (discipline problems are serious in most schools I teach in.) I miss my own paycheck, I miss co-worker relationships and the "ownership" of my own classroom etc. I did have a car, but it got hit by a bus (while parked) and as we are moving to the US this summer (if hubby's visa is approved) we haven't replaced it. I am coping ok with that. I don't have any friends locally, which is so hard! I have one "friend" that pops in for tea once a month or so and a friend who live about 30 minutes away (an expat) who has been such a support, but we don't get to see eachother very often (especially since my car is no more.)

I guess what I am saying is...hang in there if you can! Start an application for your husband's visa. Just knowing you're working on moving back might help you to relax and to enjoy what you can while you're here. This is a hard time of the year...it has been cold, gloomy and grey for months, but it will get warmer and brighter soon and you will be able to get out and enjoy the garden and see flowers blooming...which is always good for the soul!

What keeps me here is that I know if I go back I will be missing my husband horribly and I married him for a life-long partnership. I cannot wait to see my older children and family (one older son moved here last summer and attends university, but he is moving back in July also and I have twin sons) and have felt such a huge amount of guilt and sadness about leaving. I never would have thought I would have had to make such a hard decision, but sometimes life turns out that way.

I hope you two continue to make it day by day and are able to give each other strength and encouragement. I really hope things work out for you (((hug)))

And some of us are still trying to figure out what we want to be when we grow up!   I worked a full-time job here that I didn't like for about 6 months (recently) -- then I quit and I'm at home again (at least temporarily).  My short-term plan (1-3 years?) right now is to find something sort of in between -- part time so I have a job and have to get out of the house for awhile for that, and still have some time to address other things...house stuff, where do I go from here? (career-wise), getting a UK driver licence, etc.  Long-term, I hope to figure out what it is that I'm doing with my life!  LOL

I looked up Northampton on the map.  You're pretty close to Coventry, Birmingham...even not too far from London (an hour or so by train?).  Are there work options farther afield?  Also, surely there must be some nice outdoorsy things around there somewhere?  (Help me out -- Those who live in that area.)  Have you been here for an entire spring/summer yet?  It can be really gorgeous then, and with the long hours of daylight!

I totally feel for you..  but give yourself a break.  You are facing some of the top stresses on the stress scale:  Marriage, moving, new job (have a baby and you'll have it all!!).  i remember when I was first married, we did the same (although we stayed in our own country - we didn't have culture shock to deal with - another major stress on the scale!)  and our first year of marriage was awful.  We fought every night.  Adjusting to a new marriage is enough, without the other stuff.  Give it all a year to settle down.  Get out of the house, start meeting people and focus on moving forward.  Believe me, I know how you feel.  The first year after moving is hell, especially after the honeymoon period is over (about 6 months in..)  I'm working very hard to not succumb to depression as this is my first year here as well.  

Also, depression is normal to feel in this case.  But you have to work through it.  Going to the doctor is a good thing, if you just can't get out of the hole.  Sometimes we all need some help and that is what is so great about this forum!!

I completely agree that 6 months really isn't enough to assimilate for most people. I too had a rough first 6 months for a lot of the same reasons as you. It was winter and so really dark all of the time. I didn't drive. I wasn't working. I put so much pressure on dh that we fought all the time.

My first job was also one I despised that had me working awkward hours plus weekends.

For what it's worth I would suggest:
- Learn to drive. Maybe your dh could give you a lesson on your day off.
- Get out and about at every opportunity. Even if you're depressed, even if you're tired. Walk around for 15 mins. Go out and get a paper and smile at everyone you see. It's amazing how you can sometimes force happiness - even when I'm feeling really low I say good morning to someone I meet on the footpath on the way to work and focus on breathing some fresh air and start feeling better.... Being cooped up inside at this time of year really does get to you. I used to go out and pull weeds on our front path just to get out and get some air....
- Find a new job. It's easier to find a job when you have a job. No matter how tired you are, force yourself to spend an hour searching for companies you're interested in or looking at various job websites and set a goal for yourself - like sending out 3 applications a week or something.
- Focus on moving. Even if it's still a year away, look at property websites in areas where you'd be happier - Cambridge or somewhere nearer to London and your friends. Dreaming is good - it's fun to fantasize about what you'll do when your dh finishes his assignment.
- Instigate a UKY meet up. There must be someone at least remotely nearby.

Mind, these are only things that worked for me. But they did work. It's soooo tempting to give up, but if you can just find it in yourself to force a few do-able changes it might make the difference that you so desperately need....

Hi  KWilkins!

I was once studying journalism too. is there a volunteer paper/ publication you can participate at? What about your hobbies, is there a way you do release through them, or even discovering a new hobby? What did you do for fun in the states?

Also, I am one of those love it folks, but take many things into consideration, i.e. I live in a huge city, have seen the family (too?  ) often, and have had devices for making friends (school). On top of all of that, I am a "runaway", aka I felt about Vegas the way you probably feel now. I saw the family this past weekend, which confirmed the runaway bit in my mind, despite the fact that I do love and miss them at times. But at, other times...

So, I do not condemn *anyone* who is homesick, and I actually have full empathy. Good luck

Hi kwilkins. 

I know exactly where you are coming from. I don't know if you are a native Illinoisan, but I notice you went to U of I. I'm just up the road from there.

 I loved England when I was there in the summer, it was so much nicer than Central IL, but I absolutely hated the winter when I moved over- I would have paid for sunshine.

And I was claustrophobic as well. Tiny houses, tiny shops, tiny cars. I really missed being able to see for miles and miles, having roads almost to myself and plenty of parking (my dw and I had a good laugh once as we were searching for a spot in the Sommerfield's car park and remembered driving around parking lots at home, ignoring the 700 empty spaces and trying to find one a little closer).

But as I look toward summer, I'm thinking that it might not be bad to sit out the heat and the mosquito season in England.

Maybe if you make plans to come home in the fall, you might feel better when spring comes and you can get out more. Perhaps you will get a break in the meantime and find a job you like, and it will work out. In the meantime, try to look for cheap things to do as if you were on vacation. You made it through college- put your cheap entertainment experience to work.  You may not be working in your field, but you have learned a lot about living and making it through, and often that education can take you farther than the classroom stuff. It's never a waste, it's made you a more resourceful person.

Good luck.

http://www.gloomtobloom.org/

I was on a training course yesterday and the facilitator told us about his website. I thought of this thread. 

(my dw and I had a good laugh once as we were searching for a spot in the Sommerfield's car park and remembered driving around parking lots at home, ignoring the 700 empty spaces and trying to find one a little closer).

Ah, but it's all relative to city not necissarily country - I once went to three different Safeways in San Francisco before finding one with space in the car park!  Honest, I did! And the all-time record for finding a space to park at home (granted I lived in the toughest parking neighbourhood of the city) was 1 hour and 45 minutes. I had to double park to run inside to wee before starting to circle again!

wow. well, i could have wrote this.
i think i will just pm you, im gonna write like a page.. haha

Ok, I just wanted to add that I am one of those 'weirdie weirdie weirdos' (that's my husband's favorite term now! ) who thinks that sorrow informs happiness...if a person has never struggled, felt pain & sadness, etc -- what do you have to measure happiness against?  How do you 'know' happiness without sorrow?  Too metaphysical?  Yeah, I thought so...I'll crawl back in my corner now.

[And why does 'weirdie weirdie weirdo' so often end up referencing me? ]

Ok, I just wanted to add that I am one of those 'weirdie weirdie weirdos' (that's my husband's favorite term now! ) who thinks that sorrow informs happiness...if a person has never struggled, felt pain & sadness, etc -- what do you have to measure happiness against? 

I agree.  Whenever newly married couples complain about something, I always think about my grandparents, who will be celebrating 52 years this year.  If they'd given up when things were tough, they would've missed out on a lot.  Now, they look back on the bad/tough/lean times and smile because they can really appreciate everything they have now.  I hope it'll be that way for kwilkins and her hubby.   

Hi, I just saw this thread and wanted to see how you were doing.  Ive only been here six days, so I have no comments on being unhappy (Im still trying to sleep normal hours!) Im so thrilled to be with my hubs, and to be honest, I needed a break from San Francisco.  Right before I left, my best friend sent me a text message (I was crying about leaving everyone I love) he wrote....

Im so proud of you, this to shall pass.

I hope you are doing better this week and that maybe talking to your doctor has helped.
Big hug coming your way.....catch!!

I really feel for you. When you get enough money for a ticket, could you go back on a temp basis?

It is hard at times. If it helps, there are a lot of us that have many days that we feel depressed and just want to get on a plane. I know I do. YOU ARE NOT ALONE. There are people in here who can relate to you and help you but at the end of the day, it is your sanity and only you know what is right for you.

It will get better but that doesn't help you just now. See what your doctor says and let us people here know if we can help. Maybe just going out for a drink with another 'foreigner' might help. Are there any non-Brits that you know?

Is there anyone in UK-YANKEE in the area that could talk with her?

My ex brought me a book once and said I could have written it. It was Bill Bryson 'Notes From a Small Island'. He is American married to an English woman. It might help take your mind off things for an hour or two.

Let all of us know how you get on and what you decide. I don't think anyone here would criticise whatever decision you make.

Again if we can help you in any way, let us know.