Limboland of belonging

Citrine, was was with you totally until the very end of your initial post. But that's only because I think I landed in just the right spot. But it wasn't the first place I set foot in. I know the subsequent move to another place just down the road made a huge difference. What changed it? A place where I was able to make friends.

Last night I went out with a group of women to a Christmas dinner...and suddenly I was in the picture I'd only before just seen across the room when my husband and I would go to a restaurant. Always saw the groups of women crammed around a large table, laughing and sharing gifts and doing silly things (in this case, pulling crackers and wearing paper hats...but hen nights can get even more boisterous). And I felt very much a part of that goup.

It makes a huge difference being accepted into a community.

As to what I've had to learn...and what I've had to empty out of my head to make the new stuff fit...I chuckled over your list. It always amazes me that we, who come from anywhere within the US and settle in anywhere in the UK, still have the exact same confusions when we first get here.

Yes, I have experienced that.  It's like being a small child peeping into a grown ups party and wishing that you were big and could "play" too.
I don't have that yet..Im still watching.  THen maybe I will be able to move out of Limboland.

I guess part of it is where I moved to in the UK?  I haven't had one bad experience with anyone simply for being American.  People have been friendly and helpful.  I've had conversations with complete strangers in grocery and bus lines and not once has anyone's mood changed once it was clear I was American (rather than Canadian as many seem to suspect!).

Maybe part of that is due to your good attitude.  Perhaps it's quite obvious to others that you're in your element in England.  They see you're comfortable in your surroundings and so you're automatically viewed more as one of them.  I wonder if co-workers, friends, passers-by can automatically sense whether or not you feel as though you belong there.  If you feel at home, maybe they're more inclined to treat you as such, not push you away as though you're an outsider.  I think I'm rambling here, hopefully any of that made sense.  Anyway, it's just a theory.


It did happen that way, you know - the minute I landed here on my first trip I finally felt like I was where I belonged.  There was a peace in my heart and soul that I had never felt before.

I felt a good deal of that on my first visit over (for 2 weeks).  I instantly fell in love with it, but knew there were very definite things about the culture/people/food that I'd be glad to get away from when returning home.  I can't say I really started to feel as though I fit in until probably the last month of my 6 months there.  It was horrible to finally adjust, only to have to return to America and re-adjust there as well (I've been back since May and still don't feel 'in place' here  :-/)


And I do wish I could share it with others to help ease their transition...instead of feeling almost guilty at how happy I am...

No need to feel the least bit guilty.  You put in your time in Florida, maybe this is your reward

Citrine, I've also been on the outside looking in at a group of women friends having a meal and a laugh and somewhat wanted to be a part of it, but also knew I'd feel very much like an outsider.  I'm comfortable speaking to brits one-on-one, but do feel out of place in larger groups.  

Hello,
I am new to this Forum.  I have been in the UK for 3 years now and miss home terribly.  I felt like an outsider the last time I visited and was definitely out of the loop.  I had no idea what was new or the latest things out.  We eventually find out over here.  I do not really care for the food except a few things.  And in my humble opinion the beef is tasteless.  My husband is British and his career is here so we live here.  I hope to meet other Americans and maybe that would help.
Thistledew

Thistledew, what part of England are you in?  I think most of us are pretty much up for get-togethers - planned or spontaneous!

I am in the SouthEast part of England.  I also think part of my problem is I am older and I think that makes it more difficult to adjust.  I wish you all a Merry Christmas !

Hi, Thistledew -- I'm older too -- but a lady who'll tell her age will tell anything (somebody once said). I've been here two years and joined this forum when I felt as if I'd reached the end of my rope. My husband is employed here -- we'll be here at least another year -- and this forum is helping. My two sons live here-- but they have their own lives. I've felt a thousand times better just finding out I'm not the only one in these rough waters. I'm in southeast London, fyi, and would love to communicate with you. Drop me an e-mail if you feel like it. Meanwhile -- here's to getting through the holidays. Cheerio. [smiley=sunny.gif]

Hello Katelyn !
I will drop you an email as soon as I get a chance thanks for the offer to communicate.  I think that is part of my problem I have kept a lot bottled up for 3 years with nobody to talk with but my hubby and I don't want to burden him.  He is a very busy man with lots of responsibilities at work.  But what a shock to move over here.  I had always been independent.  Lived on my own.  Owned my own home, nice car, worked full time......then.....I moved here.  Don't drive, don't own a car, couldn't even cross the road correctly (looked the wrong way)  Living in a flat for now and oh that is a whole 'nother can of worms. Don't get me started...LOL.  I think for me it is not that I don't like this country.  I don't like my situation.  Although I have not made any friends here either.  I get along fine with my co-workers but thats about it really.  I just realized I don't know how to drop you an email.  I cannot see your addy.

Hi, Thistledew -- It's me, Katelyn. I hope you had a peaceful Christmas Eve and Day and that Boxing Day will provide  some respite as well. What a frenzy just before the 25th!

After reading your last post, I'm feeling that we are in very similar straits. If you look at my bio and look for me in Introduce Yourself, you'll be able to read more about me. Meanwhile, I'm adding you to my Buddy List -- not sure exactly what that means but I think it means that I can send you messages easily.

You'll find some clues as to how to use this site if you go to Help.

If you look up just below this message, on the right, you'll see the word "reply" and some other choices -- "add poll" and "notify of replies," etc. If you click on reply, you get the usual posting box -- like this one. Maybe you already figured this out, since you replied to my last comment in a posting box. If so sorry for the redundant info.

The only way I know of to send a reply to a person is to click on that person's name. Their intro page comes up. At the bottom of it is an option to "send this person a message" (or something like that). If you click on that link, a box will open up that is a message box. If you write to me in that box, I'll get a cue in my real e-mail. Then when I log on to UK Yankee the next time, up in the right-hand corner I'll see a notice that I have a new unopened message. If I click on the word "messages" in that note, I get to my UK Yankee mailbox, and your message will be there. Long and rambling -- hope it makes sense. If it's still murky, you can click on Leah's name and send her a query by using that option at the bottom of her page. She knows all. Best regards --   :DKatelyn

Thanks for your help.  Just  found this site a few days ago myself and learning my way around.  I had no idea how to email someone on this thing but I think I  can do it now if you just click on their name and it goes to the profile.  Hectic time of year around here but looking forward to a few days off from work to kick back !
Thanks again.
Thistledew

I've lived here for 7 months now and can truly say I haven't felt homesick yet.  I do feel like I fit in here but I'm also quite lucky as I was able to transfer my job with BT from the US to the UK which made things easier.  I also traveled a few times a year to the UK for the last six years on business and worked with a lot of Brits which helped a bit with not experiencing any real culture shock.  

I do love it here and feel like this is where I was supposed to be.  I haven't been back to the states since July so it'll be interesting to see how I feel when I go back in the next couple of months.  Don't get me wrong, there are definately things I miss in the US and that will always be where my roots are but I do love living here!!  Hopefully I'll still feel that way in a couple of years!

I would just like to thank Citrine and the others who shared so much of their feelings and experiences.  I havent visited this site much in the past couple of months(Holidays in Texas- whoohaa!!!!) and have posted even less- but this thread has been such a gift to read that I wanted to take the time to thank all of you for sharing!!

I've been here just about 2 1/2 years now and definitely agree with what Citrine wrote- it can be so hard, miserable, depressing- limbo is the perfect description.

Reading about sitting there watching other women "have fun" brought tears to my eyes.  the social isolation can be truly devastating. but I do think there is hope and just like anything difficult in life- valuable lessons can be learned and it can get better.  either we change or we change whats around us.

I hope that doesnt come across as dismissing anyone's pain- believe me I have been there and like someone else said, even these days I can have a horribly homesick "I wanna get out of here" mood swing- usually these are triggered by boiler problems or someone referring to me as a "fuckin' american"  

GOD BLESS all of those who can honeslty say they've never been treated differently for being American- it sucks big time- and its very hard to just "grin" and bear it!

of course- this shouldn't be considered lightly but having a baby did wonders for my social circle- from muisic groups to baby swimclass to countless mommy group teas and coffees-  I can now say for the first time I am making friends instead of friendly aquaintances.

ok- 8 month old on the loose- atleast she cant get far in this tiny flat!!

hey to all!
mary

I know that LisaE has many times talked about one book on this forum.  I finally caved in an ordered it from Amazon.  I cannot tell you how much it has been helping.  It is geared more towards those that lived abroad as a child.  It's called Third Culture Kids and explains what happens to many who live as an expat especially as kids.  It great if you were one or if you have kids that might go back to their first culture (home for the parents).

It goes into detail about being in Limbo and lets you know that you are not alone and what happens to those the grow between two worlds.

All that and in the first chapter!

 

Well, I came to England in my late teens with my parents and decided to stay when I turned 18.  Ive been here 18 years now.  I loved it from the beginning and if I'm honest being different really helped me.  When the other guys at school tried calling me the Yank to "wind me up" they were pretty disappointed to find I laughed about it.  When they realised I could take a joke I made a few friends.  Life seemed easier here as a teenager and when I would go back to the States I would think "nope, can't live here again".  It does take a long time to get used to the differences in attitudes and even the same language.  Even after 18 years I still learn new words and phrases which apparently are pretty common here and yet I have never heard them before.  I told someone in a group not to get bent out of shape the other day and everyone looked at me as if "what the F*** does that mean"  It never even occurred to me I hadn't heard this once in England in 18 years. I think I always liked the idea of being different and the American abroad.  I live in a beautiful part of the country but have only recently in the last few years started really wandering about my own identity.  When I go back to the States now I know I don't want to live there but I don't know who I am here now.  People decide I'm "the American" as and when it suits them and that I'm "British really" when I try and assert some kind of identity or show interest in American issues.  Where I live now is SO rural I couldnt be further away from American issues if I tried.  This identity thing has never bothered me before because I felt I knew who I was, and where I was meant to be.  I feel a bit different from some of you who have posted, because most of you seemed to have this problem pretty early on whereas it's taken me 16 to 18 years.  I don't feel American, I don't feel British.  My wife sees that it bothers me and has even offered to move back for awhile if I wanted to.  Personally, I dont know if I want to start over again.  Be interested in what some of you think.  Don't have many Americans here to talk about it with.  Most of my British friends just say "don't know why you stay here anyway, if I could move to NY.....blah blah blah"

Anyway, it wasnt my intention to depress anyone.  Just thought I would mouth off to the annonymous (ish) masses.

Enjoy your time in England

Anybody got a good analyst?.........lol

I get a lot of people asking me why the heck I moved from Florida. But I agree, I don't think I could move back to the US. Okay to visit, but those are not my values. It's overwhelming and too much neon, too many infomercials. Too many choices.

And I can't even quantify this feeling of wanting to stay here when there are shows on British TV like "Shooting Stars" or fiascos such as the Millenium Dome.

As far as starting again, don't have that as your deterent from trying something new. Most of us have started all again (many of us in our 40s) to make the move here. We did it. You can too. Look inside deeper than that. How to you feel during visits to the US? Does it feel like you belong? Does it feel like a life adventure you'd like to try? Do you find yourself thinking about moving there?

Moving here was a no-brainer for me. It felt like home the minute I set foot in it the first time. And I just closed my eyes and lept from then on.

Modified to fix a typo. See any others?