hardest part is the uncertainty

for me, the hardest part of being away from my bf is going to be the uncertainty of what (if anything) the future holds for "us"...

right now I am still 2 wks away from leaving and we have not made a final decision on what we will do once I am gone.
All he can tell me is that living together isn't working for him, and that he isn't prepared to make a commitment based on making it legal for me to live here, etc.
We agree that we love each other, "but"...

We know that we both want to work on getting our own lives to where they need to be.

Right now I don't even know if we are planning to stay in touch or under what "conditions"...will we be friends only, will we still consider ourselves a couple? How often should we get in touch? and so on?

so sad, confused and frustrated

Correct me if I'm wrong, but didn't you all just go out a few times and then you moved in w/him? Relationships are hard work and even harder when you don't really know the person. Not to say you can't "know" right away when things are right, but there are factors that come in to play when things are rushed. And you had said that you were dependent on him for money as you can't work on a visitor's visa. So, really, all of sudden he is supporting a second person. All in all, it just may have been more than he bargained for at such a fast pace. Not to say bridges are burned, but it really might be a good thing that you are going back and then you can --with time and distance in place--look more objectively at what went right and what went wrong. Don't close any doors and see what happens. My advice to you is not to over analyze the situation, see how things are when you get home and get a fresh perspective.

Correct me if I'm wrong, but didn't you all just go out a few times and then you moved in w/him? Relationships are hard work and even harder when you don't really know the person. Not to say you can't "know" right away when things are right, but there are factors that come in to play when things are rushed. And you had said that you were dependent on him for money as you can't work on a visitor's visa. So, really, all of sudden he is supporting a second person. All in all, it just may have been more than he bargained for at such a fast pace. Not to say bridges are burned, but it really might be a good thing that you are going back and then you can --with time and distance in place--look more objectively at what went right and what went wrong. Don't close any doors and see what happens. My advice to you is not to over analyze the situation, see how things are when you get home and get a fresh perspective.

I agree

that is not exactly what happened, but you are on the right track... we dated for about 2 months before I came to stay at his place (the girl who was my orig hostess here had only agreed to put me up til mid March, which was approaching, and we had agreed to extend my ticket to have more time together)...
I was not dependant on him for money...I never asked him for money, although he did buy my groceries once I'd moved in. I was getting money sent frm the States, but it was not going as far as I'd planned/hoped because I wasn't aware before coming of the big difference in living costs.

Anyway no point arguing semantics...

I agree it is best for time and space apart. I thought I had said that.
I just also wish I knew whether we were going to try to work this out or whether we were just going to cut off all communication (someting he suggested but it may have been one of these heated moments when something comes out that wasn't really meant)

anyway...

I know you are in a lot of pain and confusion right now, but I still see a lot of clarity in your posts.  Even though it may not seem so right now, what is happening may be for the best.

I really don't see any reason you would need to cut off contact completely; in fact, I think both you and he would regret it if you did.  But definitely give yourselves some time to sort out and separate what could be a true friendship from false hope.  The latter isn't at all what anyone in your situation needs.  It is likely that he said he wanted cutting off all contact in the heat of an angry or confused moment.  Cool off, maybe ask him if the uncertainty bothers him as well.  That's not an easy thing to ask but if you feel like you need some more closure before you come back to the States, do it.

I had actually considered cutting off all contact with the person I'd been seeing, but I'm glad I haven't; it is still a must for us to communicate professionally and I really didn't want bad feelings infused in that.  It hasn't been easy, and sometimes I wonder why I still hold a sense of good humor with my friend when we do talk, but the alternative would have been worse for me.  Everyone's mileage varies though.

Wishing you continued strength...

Hey thanks for your reply MissIndigo...
I have been trying to talk to him and get more clarity but you know how it goes...I am not sure I am hearing his true meaning. I may just be hearing what I want to hear. 

I would be okay if we could just decide whether we are still leaving the door open... but it feels like he really just does not know what he wants.
If he was madly in love with me, wouldn't he be able to tell me one way or the other?

And there are also parts of me which want to cut him off, to make this "easier".
I love him. I want to work things out with him.   But he keeps telling me he has so many doubts about whether we are right for each other.   

If I did not have to stay in his house, if we did not have to be physically close for the next 10 days...I might tell him he needs to make up his mind.
If he doesn't want me, he needs to be honest and let me go.  I can handle that better than the uncertainty!

oh dear...

Hey thanks for your reply MissIndigo...
I have been trying to talk to him and get more clarity but you know how it goes...I am not sure I am hearing his true meaning. I may just be hearing what I want to hear. 

I would be okay if we could just decide whether we are still leaving the door open... but it feels like he really just does not know what he wants.
If he was madly in love with me, wouldn't he be able to tell me one way or the other?

And there are also parts of me which want to cut him off, to make this "easier".
I love him. I want to work things out with him.   But he keeps telling me he has so many doubts about whether we are right for each other.   

If I did not have to stay in his house, if we did not have to be physically close for the next 10 days...I might tell him he needs to make up his mind.
If he doesn't want me, he needs to be honest and let me go.  I can handle that better than the uncertainty!

oh dear...

Ask him streight out darling...it will be difficult to be around him after if it's not what you want/expect to hear but then you'll know where you stand. I don't think it's right for him not to be 100% open with you.

good luck...keep us posted.

lol    reeeeka, I HAVE asked him straight out. And I know he thinks he is giving me an answer...
He loves me but living together isn't working for him. He needs to see how he feels about me once I am not in his life on a daily basis.
He wants to leave the door open...

To me this sounds like, he wants to have his cake and eat it too. Like, "Maybe we are still a couple...if I miss you a lot, if living with you wasn't as bad as living without you".
He can't make up his mind, but  I feel like he is jerking my strings...

It is just making the next 10 days really uncomfortable.

lol    reeeeka, I HAVE asked him straight out. And I know he thinks he is giving me an answer...
He loves me but living together isn't working for him. He needs to see how he feels about me once I am not in his life on a daily basis.
He wants to leave the door open...

To me this sounds like, he wants to have his cake and eat it too. Like, "Maybe we are still a couple...if I miss you a lot, if living with you wasn't as bad as living without you".
He can't make up his mind, but  I feel like he is jerking my strings...

It is just making the next 10 days really uncomfortable.

Yeah that's what it sounds like to me also. I get that he needs to see what life would be like without you but it really isn't fair for him to not give you some sort of clear answer before you leave. Are you on good speaking terms or are things...not so good?

I hope things work out for you though because you really do seem to love him. Give it time...

*hugs* my thoughts are with you

we are on good speaking terms   ie, we are not fighting   but things have been good because I have been under the impression that he wanted to try to sort things out and work towards a future together, and now I am not so sure!
ARGH

yes, I DO love him. I would not still be here if I didn't, if I didn't want to make a future with him...
yes, we do have some differences, but nothing which felt insurmountable to me...

I would like to think he is simply afraid...of the difficulties we would be facing...and I have tried to get him to come on here to see that almost all the couples here dealt with this kind of thing...but "emoting" (esp in public) is not his style.

Anyway just thank you for listening to me, I know I'm not making a lot of sense...I just really want to know what I should be doing/thinking etc.

I know this must be so hard.  Have you discussed this with your family/friends at all?  Don't know if that would help or if it would add more pressure, but thought it might be an idea.

I think you have to just continue to let him know how you feel in words and actions and then just allow him to take the time he needs (within reason, of course).

Best to you!!!!

Yes I have discussed it with my friends via emails...calling my family is really hard due to the hours they work and of course the time difference...    They are just trying to be supportive of me.

Kuyperama...I do not think what you're saying is the case. He says he just feels like everything happened too quickly, and under the wrong circumstances. He lived with his ex for almost 3 yrs before they decided to marry and they stayed together 7 more before realizing they weren't right for each other. He wanted to have more time to figure out if we could build a life togther...and we don't have that time, at least not face to face.
IF I was legally allowed to live here on my own, he says he would definately want to remain in a serious relationship with me. But that he can't make the decision to marry me based on the fact that it is the only way I can legally live and work in the UK right now

It may sound weird but I would rather break up than live with this uncertainty. But we still have to stay together another 10 days....and I don't think I could be in the same house with him for that time if we had called it quits.

IF I was leaving tomorrow I'd tell him tonight, "Get over it, make up your friggin mind!"  But I don't feel like I can say that knowing we still have to face each other every morning and evening...over breakfast, over dinner, etc.
Maybe once I'm back in FL I'll be able to take your advice and move on without him.
But right now I feel like it is just a shame to give up the good, to say goodbye, for the reasons we are...

Everything in your posts sounds so familiar to me that it's scary.  One thing that may be going on in your guy's head is what probably went on in my guy's head...he got freaked out by the uncertainty so much that instead of trying to fight for the relationship he just bailed, and this happened with no warning.  This was after we'd been LD for a couple of months.  The worst part of it was not having any indication that he wanted out, and he did not have the strength to bring up the issue with me because it would have been "unpleasant and upsetting".  Well, no s**t, but just ending with no warning was infinitely WORSE!

You DO have the advantage over him in that you are returning to your home.  That in of itself will be a comfort to you.  I did not have that, and it would have been a greater help for me if I had had somewhere else comfortable to go that didn't have so many reminders of my relationship everywhere I looked (and I am stuck in this city for at least another year... ) Take it to heart that you will be returning to familiar surroundings.

Hey MissIndigo...   you know we had a long talk last night and whether or not it is the RIGHT thing, we decided the best way to handle this is to ask (and answer honestly) on a daily basis...Are we still in a serious relationship right now?

I think he needs to do a lot of deep thinking once I am gone. I don't think he even knows what he wants out of life, let alone out of his love partner.  During our discussions it seemed more and more (to me) like he is suffering from depression. He had a hard childhood and maybe he just hasn't "done the work" necessary to make his relationships work.
He also expressed a lot of concern over not knowing how to have a long distance relationship. He said, "What kind of relationship is that? What do you do?"   Well I just told him to me it means we stay in touch, know we have deep strong feelings for one another, continue trying to get to know each other, and work towards getting together again. Just sharing as much as possible from 3000 miles away...

anyway...at least we figured out a way to make the next 10 days as comfortable as possible...

hugs to you

He also expressed a lot of concern over not knowing how to have a long distance relationship. He said, "What kind of relationship is that? What do you do?"   

He's probably worried about the sex aspect of it.