He insists on paying for my trip but it's hard waiting....

I don't know if this topic has been posted before but I just need some feedback, please.  I have my passport and have been ready to make a trip to the UK since last year but my BF won't let me pay for it.  He said he wants to be in a better position financially when I visit and he would not feel right if I paid for anything, including my airfare.  We have both been single parents for over 10 years and are both struggling but I am usually better off financially.  He feels like he needs to impress me but I just want to spend time with him.  The hard part is that I just would like to meet him after talking for over 18 months and see the trip as a vacation, which I feel I should pay for.  Do I just wait it out until he can afford it or just tell him I will pay for it whether he likes it or not?  Any advice would be appreciated.

Tell him you're going on holiday to England and you'll be coming to visit him while you happen to be over there 

Seriously, I think that the most important thing is spending time together...who pays for it is a secondary matter.  If you can afford it, book a flight and go- it's sweet of him to want to pay for everything, but I don't think it's something to delay the trip over.  In fact, in your situation I'd probably be uncomfortable if the guy paid for everything, especially if it's a first meeting (am I reading that right?)  Good luck in whatever you decide and I hope you get to see each other soon

Oh thats a tough one. 

Sounds like you both need to sit down and talk this one through. Could be that he is a traditionalist that thinks the guy should pay. Could be that he's using it as a reason to avoid meeting in person. Could be loads of reasons! You really need to ask him to be very straight with you.

If it is just a money thing then I don't disagree with Amarylis. You certainly can vacation where you choose.

Communication is key with LDRs. Guys are not always as ready to get in touch with reasons as we are so this might take multiple conversations. Best of luck with it.

Thanks for the advice, Amarylis and Courtney.  Yeah, he definitely is a traditionalist and thinks the guy should pay but he's also admitted that a small part of him thinks I won't like him once we meet (that's his very low self-esteem coming through).  I just feel that, although we both seriously believe in what we feel for each other, we need to meet just to make sure it's real and then can move on from there.  And you guys are right, I definitely can vacation wherever I choose and have playfully threatened him that I may just show up at his door. 

He can't tell you what to do with your own money!

Tell him you're going on holiday to England and you'll be coming to visit him while you happen to be over there 

In fact, in your situation I'd probably be uncomfortable if the guy paid for everything, especially if it's a first meeting (am I reading that right?) 

I completely agree with this. When I came over to meet a guy I had been chatting with for a year and a half, not only did I pay for my airfare I also had a back up, I used my Marriott Reward points to book a room in London just in case it was a disaster. It was a disaster, the guy was not a nice person (completely different on line and on the phone) and it turned out he was a serial online dater. I was ready to leave on the 2nd day. His new housemate (who had just moved in 4 days before I arrived for a job in the area) saw how bad he was acting and tried to pick up the pieces and make my trip to the UK a nice one.

All worked out in the end.....I married his housemate a year later! 

I am not saying you will have a bad time, many people have met their partners via a trip over.....just do it on your own dime....you will feel better about it.

Best of luck!!

All worked out in the end.....I married his housemate a year later! 

I am not saying you will have a bad time, many people have met their partners via a trip over.....just do it on your own dime....you will feel better about it.

Best of luck!!

Thanks, I'm so used to taking care of myself that I would feel uncomfortable with him paying.  All of your advice has helped me to feel better about the situation.  And Jules, I'm glad yours had a happy ending after all. 

I completely agree with this. When I came over to meet a guy I had been chatting with for a year and a half, not only did I pay for my airfare I also had a back up, I used my Marriott Reward points to book a room in London just in case it was a disaster. It was a disaster, the guy was not a nice person (completely different on line and on the phone) and it turned out he was a serial online dater. I was ready to leave on the 2nd day. His new housemate (who had just moved in 4 days before I arrived for a job in the area) saw how bad he was acting and tried to pick up the pieces and make my trip to the UK a nice one.

All worked out in the end.....I married his housemate a year later! 

Wow what a story Jules!  I love hearing 'how did you meet' stories.  Do you have kids you can tell this to someday? 

Yes I agree with everyone else kdvirgo.  Although you don't want to say to your BF - you can't tell me what to do, I'm coming there! - you still can pay for it without him feeling like he's got no control.   You can reason with him that you won't right if he pays and since you're the one coming there, you should be able to choose who pays.  Then on his trip over (if he takes one), he can pay for his own ticket.

All worked out in the end.....I married his housemate a year later! 

That is so awesome!  See, it proves we really dont know what the future holds.  You think one thing and it turns out to be another.  Happy endings are wonderful, glad you got yours Jules

My hubs bought his ticket to SF to meet me five weeks after we first met online.  When I went to see him two months after, I paid for my ticket.  And I do agree with Courtney, have a serious chat with him about it.  Tell him your tired of waiting to meet him and you are buying your own ticket for your vacation, and he can buy the next?!  Good luck Kdvirgo!

I could never pay for my tickets and have money to spend...adam's always paid for my tickets and his here.  If I was able too I would...I don't see a problem with you doing if it if means being there faster.

Have you ever met?...

If not...maybe he's scared? I dunno...

You should talk to him about it though...seems like an issue that needs resolving.

Good luck


p.s
you're gorgeous!

Or on the flip side, you could agree to let him pay for your tickets this time, and you could pay for his when he comes to visit you in the US.

Thanks guys...glad you liked my little drama!   

Kdvirgo do let us know how things go once you have a chat with him.

Jules, great story!  I paid for mine, but it is a bit complicated.  We'd been e-mailing for about a month when I was assigned a business trip to London.  I thought, great!  So, I asked if he'd like to meet in person and he said it wasn't a matter of if, but when and where.

So, we began to make plans.  It actually turned out it was over my birthday.  Then....the trip was cancelled.  Talk about what do I do!!  So....I decided to go anyway.  I e-mailed him and told him my trip was cancelled, but I was coming anyway.  I had frequent flier miles so used those and paid for a hotel room (he lived in the country).  I thought he might think I was a boiling bunny stalker for coming anyway, but he didn't!  He wound up planning all sorts of things.  I made it sound very casaul - "I just HAPPENED to have enough ff miles" (which I did).

We met in the lobby of hte hotel and he asked if I'd gotten any flowers.  I hadn't, but he had ordered them to arrive for when I got there. Making a long story short, we had a great time, said the 'i love you's' that day.  The next day, my birthday, he showed up with a dozen red roses (my birthday is this day) and said if the florist couldn't get it right, he would.  (By the way, the flowers he meant to send showed up the next day, so my hotel room was filled with flowers!). 

We went for coffee and he gave me a birthday presents of tickets to Phantom for the next night. We had talked about both loving the music of that show.  We walked all around and in the evening he took my on the London Eye.  We were talking about how difficult it was going to be when I left and then, as we were walking along the Thames, in front of Big Ben, he proposed!  And, HE suggested that we go ring shopping the next day, which we did and he bought me the most beautiful ring.

Anyway, I think I've babbled on enough and may have in another post somewhere before.  Just can't help it as it is still such an incredible story to me!!!

Kdvirgo, good luck and I hope all works out for you!!!

I say that you should just go on vacation - if he is baulking because he is scared of a real relationship you need to actually enjoy yourself and have a fun vacation anyway.  If he can't handle the fact that you are in a slightly better financial position than him, you need to deal with that now.  I dated someone who told me that they could never marry anyone who made more than they did.  It was clear that would always be the case for us - it just would never have worked. 

NYNY, great story too!

It sounds like storybook romance!