is this "normal" for a healthy LDR?

When I left England, not knowing whether my sweetie and I were still a couple, I was full of fear and angst...constantly thinking about him, about what might happen next, missing him even before I left him.

The first 10 days of my being back in FL were difficult. It took longer than expected to recover from travel/jet lag. I felt oddly out of place, caught btwn 2 cultures even though the whole time I was gone I'd felt homesick and like a misfit in England.
I still wasn't sure where I stood with Rob.
But finally I started moving forward, taking tiny steps to build (rebuild?) a life here. I started working on career goals, etc

Last Thursday I spoke to Rob and found out we'd had a lot of miscommunication. That he'd never meant for me to feel like he didn't want me. He said he'd always considered that I was still his partner. 
And we had a nice long conversation.

And now I find that I don't really miss him that much!    I mean, if I DWELL on our special moments, on little things we shared that meant so much...our daily routines, etc then I miss him and get a little teary eyed.
But I am not overwhelmed by it, nor does it even happen daily.

He is focusing on his career, I am focusing on my career.
We haven't even discussed when we might see each other again...although he had mentioned possibly coming here later in the summer if work permitted.

Is this "normal"  I confess, having never been in a healthy relationship, nor a serious LDR, I have no idea what "should" be going on!

share your stories please...thanks

I'd say it's normal.  When I left England last June I had a horrible time leaving my ex-bf at the airport and on the plane, but once I got back and talked to him, I was fine.  I still missed him a lot, but I wasn't in agony or anything over it- I just got on with my life.  When it really started to hit me is once we had been apart for a few months- I have to say 3-4 months is my LDR "limit." After we were apart for that long I started to miss him more and more...I had to wait a total of six months before I saw him again and the last three months especially were awful   But like I said, how you're feeling is totally normal- just try to visit as often as you can!

When df and I started, I was not sure what to think.  Although we knew each other while I was spending time there, the relationship actually started after I left.  At first I was really puzzled on what all this meant and how we could really be together.  We also had additional strains like the death of his mother, but we planned for things like me coming at Christmas to be with him.  I really can't say that I totally miss him, as we talk through IM all the time.  Plus he's found a way to call me every night.  I do know that when we started our relationship, we probably had a weekly phone conversation for about 2 hours, and then were on IM a lot!  And while I can't say that I miss him because he's around in these ways, I definitely miss his presence!  Some nights its definitely too hard to fall asleep without him there!  And it is as you say, I miss the little things.  I miss cooking for him, or watching tv with him, or falling asleep on him on the trains.  And it's as you say, I'm usually okay, but every once in a while, it just hits me!  With everything you've been through, I honestly think you are doing just fine.

And now I find that I don't really miss him that much!   Is this "normal" 

yes, it is called moving on and it sounds like you are taking a healthy approach to it. You are focusing on your goals and still letting him be in your life in a small way. Your feelings aren't likely to entirely go away but distance can give you a better perspective of what you want to take from this relationship.

as you say, I miss the little things.  I miss cooking for him, or watching tv with him, or falling asleep on him on the trains.  And it's as you say, I'm usually okay, but every once in a while, it just hits me!  With everything you've been through, I honestly think you are doing just fine.

just reading that made me well up a little inside...

thanks for contributing persephone...I wish you guys well

I missed him more today after reading a rather sweet sentimental email he sent; it seems like knowing he is missing me made me miss him a little more

I only actively miss my husband a couple times a day.  Permanently missing him seems like it might impair my ability to function normally on a day-to-day basis and would lead to depression.  However, before he leaves I always feel panic stricken about how I will live without him.  The fact that I know how things are going to turn out probably helps me not miss him too much, all the time.

This is sorta dorky, but I always like to think of my fiancé as a sailor... sure we have to be apart for a few months because of his work, but he will always return from the sea to me. 

I also think aobut how hard military girlfriends and wives have it... at least mine isn't in a warzone, and I don't have to worry about not seeing him again.

I guess it helps put it all in perspective, and helps me to be able to get on with my normal routines.

OK, two things come to mind.

Have you ever had a holiday romance before?  Not saying they can't work out in the long run, but when you meet someone away from home and everything's exciting and new, sometimes it can seem all so intense.  And then when you get home and back to work and normal life, the romance can seem so far away.  Maybe you're pushing this a little too hard.  Why not just wait and see how you feel, give it time.  If you can't live without each other, you'll know.

The other thing is, do you usually after three or four months into a relationship start trying to figure out where it's going and ask for commitment?  It sounds a little early on to me.  Again, give it time.  Step back a bit and let things take a more natural course.  You can scare a person off by pushing to hard to early on in my experience. 

If this is meant to work out, it will.  If it isn't meant to be that will show too.  Just try to relax.

Very sound advice, Mindy.

I also wouldn't spend any time worrying about whether what you're feeling is "normal." I don't there's a universal standard when it comes to relationships, LDR or otherwise.

Well said, Mindy (she's a mum to three daughters allright!). 

As the saying goes, 'What's for you won't pass you.'

Have you ever had a holiday romance before?  Not saying they can't work out in the long run, but when you meet someone away from home and everything's exciting and new, sometimes it can seem all so intense.  And then when you get home and back to work and normal life, the romance can seem so far away.  Maybe you're pushing this a little too hard.  Why not just wait and see how you feel, give it time.  If you can't live without each other, you'll know.

The other thing is, do you usually after three or four months into a relationship start trying to figure out where it's going and ask for commitment?  It sounds a little early on to me.  Again, give it time.

Having followed about up4tea's situation and seeing how it so eerily compared to mine, I can see how the holiday romance idea might fit.  I've often wondered if we had met our guys in different places and different times if it would have worked out the same, or if it was the idea of limited time together that forced intimacy.  What made it particularly hard for me, and what still is hard, is that the guy I was seeing and I had some very, very important things in common at our cores, including feelings about career, home, lifestyle, and spirituality.  Still, 3-4 months into a relationship that seems to be working fine is a tough time to leave it if circumstances dictate that it must be done.  Just in my experience, I've found that around that point I've decided whether or not I like a person enough to keep working on the relationship or move on from it.  I've not expected anything like a lifetime commitment so soon, but I'd want to know if we could be exclusive as a couple.  Everyone's timing is different, and relationships are all about timing!  And I agree with the others here, you have given good advice and perspective that I respect 100%.

up4tea, I think I may have mentioned this, or at least alluded to this, before in an earlier reply in another thread but I had a feeling that once the initial shock of being apart was over would settle down for you pretty soon after you got home.  I think it's easier for the person leaving to move on sooner.  Had I the luxury of moving soon after my guy left me here, I probably would feel better right now, because everywhere I go there are reminders of what was, even as I try to disengage from those memories.

I'm glad you're feeling better and that you are still communicating with your guy.  It's an important door to keep open.

Mindy wrote: "The other thing is, do you usually after three or four months into a relationship start trying to figure out where it's going and ask for commitment?  It sounds a little early on to me.  Again, give it time.  Step back a bit and let things take a more natural course.  You can scare a person off by pushing to hard to early on in my experience."

Mindy as I have mentioned, I've never been in a healthy relationship before. Everyone I have "dated" has asked me to move in with them within a few weeks, been possessive and/or abusive, etc
I have no healthy relationship role models, either. My parents fought alot and divorced when I was 21. My grandfather died when I was 6. My aunt divorced when I was 11.

I am doing the best I can, here.   I feel I've done very well letting go of expectations and letting him make the moves.

This isn't a question of "pressuring"

It was a curiosity about whether other people reacted in a similar fashion when they are apart from their partner...
as BEFORE when I was away from someone I thought I loved, all I could do was cry and mope around.

I know it will work out as it should. I'm not really fretting about that.
Just trying to see if others feel the same...

Thanks

MissIndigo your reply came in while I was typing the above!

You might be right about the intensity of our relationship being caused by knowing I had to leave in a few months.
However I do still think the feelings would've been there anyway...and maybe under different circumstances (ie had a been a UK resident) the relationship could have developed at a healthier pace.  But I do still think it would have developed...

Now that I am getting back to my own life/goals over here, although I don't miss him constantly...when I think about a life without him in it, when I think how I'd feel if we never saw each other again...I know I WANT him to be part of my life.
We just have to sort out "how" we can move forward.

up4tea,

What I'm getting from all your recent posts is that you're feeling insecure about this relationship for one reason or another and that is leading you to over-analyse everything.   Try not to get bogged down in the detail of who said what to whom or who did what or what does it all mean and where is it going.  That is not healthy whether you are in the same country or not.  Also comparing to others' experience isn't always a good thing ... just because such-and-such happened to someone else doesn't mean it will happen to you.   I would take what he says to you at face value unless he's given you reason to doubt him and move on from there.

Good luck.

up4tea,

What I'm getting from all your recent posts is that you're feeling insecure about this relationship for one reason or another and that is leading you to over-analyse everything. Try not to get bogged down in the detail of who said what to whom or who did what or what does it all mean and where is it going. That is not healthy whether you are in the same country or not. Also comparing to others' experience isn't always a good thing ... just because such-and-such happened to someone else doesn't mean it will happen to you. I would take what he says to you at face value unless he's given you reason to doubt him and move on from there.

Good luck.

I couldn't agree more.  I guess I failed to mention that was in my thoughts.  Each experience is different.  I've had two ldrs, and each was a very different experience.  Take what he says, and make any decisions based on that.