Just order the friggin' DUCK!!!

I was pleasantly surprised to discover that a few people were reading this; therefore the reposting.
(I appreciate you letting me know!)

For those who have not seen my stand-up, the cornerstone of my act is my mother... and her phone messages to me... about what she deems to be my 'weight problem' and how I need to 'count calories'. 
I love my mother, which is perhaps why it's such a struggle to maintain my self-esteem and independence, yet still yearn for her approval.  She's an intelligent, educated, classy, sophisticated, smart yet ditzy lady.  Her humor comes out of the fact that she has no idea she's funny.  She's also incredibly critical; of herself as well as those around her.  Again, making the balance of love/anger even more frustrating.  She was once, and fairly accurately described as "Betty White with Bea Arthur's tongue."  My dad is described as Job; also very accurately .
So.  My parents are here for two weeks.  This was last week:

PART I
This is an IM conversation I had with my glorious friend Paul (whom I've known since college, so he's also very familiar with the inner-workings of my family). Yes, it's long, but hopefully entertaining:

ME: Saw ‘Hay Fever’ with Judi Dench last night, which was fantastic (mom and dad are here now, so it's major theatre time!)

Paul: oh right - how's that going?

ME: Um, well, fine, till, last night... and I say THANK GOD I have my own flat to come back to :-)
ME: and of course I still love them... just wish mother would, um, oh I dunno
ME: you know
ME: She's always going on about my 'weight' problem...

Paul: lol

ME: then,
ME: and yes, this is a classic

Paul: she buys you chocolate?

ME: I walk into the flat (the one they're staying at, in Knightsbridge, where I have been staying until today)
ME: she hands me a coupon she found in the flat for HAAGEN-DAZS.
ME: No wait, it gets better.

ME: She says, "here, I found this, and even though it's expired,
ME: thought you might want to look on the website and see if the competition is still going."
ME: What is the competition, you may ask?
ME: The competition is,
ME: GET A YEAR'S SUPPLY OF HAAGEN-DAZS DELIVERED TO YOUR DOOR.

ME: I mean,
ME: could I MAKE this sh*t up?!?

Paul: "thanks for the material, mom."

ME: no kidding
ME: I stared at her
ME: I'm still not convinced she got the ... irony

Paul: it really is kind of awesome.

ME: I said, "Really. YOU, really want ME, to get Haagen-Dazs, for a YEAR. You REALLY want that?"
ME: She stared back at me, paused, and said,
ME: "well, I just thought you could check to see if the competition is still on."
ME: I swear to god Candid Camera is following me with my mom.
Paul: and what is that really saving anyway? If you got 2 pints a WEEK, that's $3 x 104 = $312
ME: which she's pushing me to

Paul: here mom -- gimme the $312 and I'll go to a spa for the weekend. Then everybody wins.

ME: what's the word... aside from MANIPULATIVE, and CRAZY

Paul: and you don't come across as crazy
Paul: lol
ME: HA

Paul: it's so funny, it's like the synapses just aren't firing between the two halves of her brain... she thinks that's totally normal

ME: exactly
ME: and I don't know if I told you that they were redoing the will, and we've talked previously about how best to deal with things...

Paul: wow
Paul: that is huge
Paul: and now I'm the executor?

ME: Yeah, well, sadly, my brother's wife as it turns out, is a real b*tch

Paul: whoo hoo!

ME: And I TRIED to plant the seeds of the good idea that because they are so worried about my BLOWING the whole thing on a 'dream' (god forbid), how 'bout they 'advance' me some for a down payment on a nice flat here?
ME: That way they can see I'm settling, and if I put enough down, I can afford the same in a mortgage that I pay in rent now...
Paul: I like it...
ME: I'm also talking about a flat in So. Kensington (nearly THE most expensive, BUT… the most popular, never to devalue, only to go up, they know the area well, etc.), so it'd be about $200,000 for HALF
ME: for a one bedroom... they know this.
ME: My mom casually says, "well, how much are YOU going to put down?"
ME: Uh.
ME: Mm.
ME: Oh, let me check my wallet... oh, look, here's a TWENTY!
ME: 

Paul: well I could cash out my stocks and IRA, but that wouldn't be a good investment and OH YEAH I DON'T HAVE ANYTHING

ME: exactly.
ME: SO.
ME: Also, Nick (remember David?) just HAPPENS to be a hotshot Estate Agent here and has been showing me properties, as well as educating me, and saying he'd get me a great deal on a loan, etc.

Paul: he's in London?

ME: AND he would HELP ME CONVINCE MY PARENTS/MOTHER that this is indeed, a very good idea.
ME: (yes, he moved here a year ago with his partner)
Paul: that is whack
Paul: it's the perfect scenario

ME: Sidestory - his partner Sam, is from all over really - met in Paris, Freddie's from Argentina/Belgium/Paris, and was illegal in the States
ME: ... so David, born in UK of English parents...
ME: applied for his citizenship 2 years ago and now they're here.
ME: SO.
ME: First night mom and dad are here, THE FIRST NIGHT
ME: my mom opens a box they brought of 'stuff', and starts handing me stuff.
ME: "Here's some spices from Costco, here's some underwear, here's your tampons, oh,, and here's the latest copy of the will..."
ME: she glances at my father and says, "should you tell her or should I?"

Paul: those are going to be some spicy tampons -- hope they weren't packaged together

ME: lol
ME: My dad rolls his eyes and tries to say "why are we talking about this now…"
ME: but of course,

Paul: "the cayenne is great for yeast infections"
Paul: omg I love this story

ME: LOL...stop it.
ME: she looks at me and says "we're just afraid that you're not going to handle it, well, very well, and we're still debating on whether just to give you a chunk at the beginning and then dole the rest out, or... but I'm sorry honey,
ME: (HOLD THE PHONE)
ME: mom's on the phone now

Paul: now?

ME: yes, calling to see how I am.
ME: ;-)

Paul: ok to be continued

ME: can you hold on?

Paul: yeah

ME: I will NOT be long

Paul: "I was just telling Paul how you were trying to once again Jew me out of my inheritance..."

ME: 
ME: done
ME: sorry.
ME: Can't believe how angry I am with her right now.
ME: And that I feel guilty about it.
ME: *sigh*
ME: Annnnnnnnnnyhoooooooooo

Paul: you've gotta figure out a new way to approach your mom

ME: continuing..

Paul: because she's not going to change, and the relationship has been the Freddiee for so long....

ME: I've been figuring out ways for about 15 years now

Paul: so the only thing that can change is you
Paul: I'm just sayin

ME: right
ME: well there was a time that I was ready to write her off

Paul: like we could have had this conversation in college!

ME: I know
ME: it is a change in that we at least don't have huge fights anymore
ME: I have learned what's worth speaking up about and what's worth letting go

Paul: because you left the country
Paul: lol
Paul: so what did they say about the will?

ME: that may have helped, but seriously, we didn't that much before
ME: Oh well, basically that they still think I suck with money.
ME: And therefore they're struggling with whether they should put all these stipulations in the will.
ME: And I distinctly remember my father saying TWICE, "when I'm gone, I'm gone, I've taught you all I can, so if you want to blow it, then so be it, I'm not reaching out a controlling hand from beyond the grave."

Paul: you should point out that none of the "stipulations" they have given you this far in your life have made a difference, so why do they think continuing to nag you even in death will make a difference? I mean really....
Paul: they're not training a puppy here...

ME: I have, and it's taken as me putting myself down.
ME: She is stuck on this one story, of this one girl, she met this one time...

Paul: the point is not that you failed, the point is that "stipulations" do not work in finances...
Paul: or family relations

ME: who BLEW her entire inheritance, including selling her parents' house, and investing all of it, in her 'dream' business, which is something about sign language and teaching the deaf or something...
ME: (I agree with you, but...!?!?)
ME: and now, this girl, she met ONCE, is living 'hand to mouth'
ME: (one of mom’s favorite phrases)

Paul: that's more reason that they should support you now in creating a balanced portfolio of investments, including a house...

ME: Yes, well, she then closes by saying "And I'm sorry, but to hand over money to someone who can't get a loan on their own is just, well, I'm not comfortable with that..."
ME: Um, I CAN'T GET A LOAN BECAUSE I HAVE NO CREDIT.
ME: NOT BAD CREDIT, NO CREDIT
ME: WHICH I HAVE EXPLAINED TO YOU BEFORE, WOMAN.
ME: Gee, see, in case you forgot, about two years ago, I PACKED UP MY ENTIRE LIFE AND MOVED ACROSS THE WORLD...
ME: something you have NEVER acknowledged positively.
ME: But anyway...

Paul: isn't your mom's credit and ability to live entirely dependent on your dad?

ME: (for most loans, etc, I have to have lived here for three years)
ME: Actually, no.

Paul: I don't even remember if she had a career...

ME: She had her own savings when they married, and has always had a separate 'nest egg'
ME: she did before she met him.
ME: Marketing and fashion, silly!

Paul: until when?

ME: Hence all things color-coordinated, in place, etc.

Paul: I don't remember that...

ME: until she met my dad
ME: no, way back
ME: 50's
ME: she was working at the big high end retail stores
ME: she got her degree in marketing

Paul: speaking of being responsible with money, UPS just delivered my new high def video camera... lol
ME: :-)
ME: right on
ME: I just brought back my laptop and haven't hooked things up again

Paul: to match my new Canon digital SLR camera I bought yesterday

ME: nice

Paul: I had to get some serious equipment if I'm going to be doing all this travel writing
Paul: because I have to be the photographer as well

ME: of course!

Paul: I'm pitching stories to Men's Journal and conde nast, and I don't think my little camera will cut it

ME: sounds right to me
ME: So.
ME: anyway, that was the first night..
ME: I took a breath and just said, "Ok" and changed the subject.
ME: I told David the next day, and he said, "Boy I really have my work cut out for me don't I?"
ME: Because he and Sam came over last night and we all went out to dinner, and the plan WAS, for HIM to talk about it...
ME: because you know, I mention it, it's a crap idea, ANYONE else who is NOT related, could be brilliant...
ME: So.
ME: We're having cocktails at the flat, my mom starts talking about her friend's son, a WORLD FAMOUS surfer, and then says, "well, he's older now, and still not really settled down, still quite the butterfly..." shoots a look over at me and flutters her eye lashes with a silly grin…
ME: Well, 'course anyone who is not me, finds this very funny.
ME: I ignore it.
ME: The chat goes on, fine.

continued in next post...

[/i]

PART II

Paul: so you're a butterfly...

ME: Five minutes later, she looks at me and says, in front of all, "I'm sorry, I didn't mean anything by that butterfly comment..."
ME: and instead of saying "Uh, yeah you did, but ... whatevah. I happen to think butterflies are lovely, and oh gosh, who was it that was talking about BUYING A PROPERTY and SETTLING DOWN??? Oh yeah, THAT WOULD BE ME! Sorry, thought you were there for that conversation, but apparently not."
ME: I just said, "Ok." and changed the subject.
ME: We leave to go to the restaurant.
ME: No mention of real estate has come up as of yet.
ME: We get to the restaurant. A French restaurant. Fine. Good.
ME: A very, very French waiter.
ME: The menu is all in French. No English translation.
ME: I lean over to Sam and asked, "what does (insert French word for something here) mean?"
ME: Sam says, "What?"
ME: Mom leans over and says "Oh she's just not pronouncing it right, Elizabeth, just point to it on the menu so he knows what you're talking about."
ME: 
ME: You could tell throughout the meal the waiter didn't really find my mother terribly humorous.
ME: But, he was pleasant, and I noticed I was the only one who smiled and said 'thank you' whenever he refilled my glass, removed my plate, etc.
ME: THEN

Paul: here it comes

ME: well, there are a few, so stop me when you've had enough.
ME: she leans to my dad and says, "Are they clear that this is our treat?"
ME: my dad leans to me and says, "Do they know this is our treat?"
ME: I turn to David and Sam and say "you know this is our, oh I'm sorry, silly me, they're treat?"
ME: Yes, all agreed. Good.
ME: David sees the duck on the menu. Only a few pounds more than say, the chicken.
ME: I'm perusing the menu still, David and I start talking about how much we love duck.
ME: Mom leans over to my dad and says, she thinks quietly (but David didn't hear her, only I did), "Brace yourself, he's ordering the duck."
ME: 

Paul: no

ME: No wait, it gets better.

Paul: ok but write that line down for the movie
Paul: because it rocks

ME: Of course it does.
ME: Pearls they are, her words.
ME: Wait till I tell you about the exchange with the waiter at the end of the evening.
ME: So I order the chicken, lest I hear about the prices later on.
ME: I don't want the chicken, the chicken is.. Fine. But I really would have preferred the duck.
ME: David's duck was excellent. He did give me some.
ME: In the middle of the meal, he says, "Well, this is a great night as well because Sam and I are now 2 hours away from celebrating our fourth anniversary!"
ME: So we all say, wow, great, cheers, etc.
ME: Including me.
ME: She looks at me and says, "Now we don't want any boo-hoos..."

Paul: oh no

ME: (should I write that down as well, ya think?)
ME: then looks at David and says "she needs some help meeting a nice man here... if you know anyone..."

Paul: oh no

ME: then David, who STILL HAS NOT MENTIONED ANYTHING ABOUT REAL ESTATE, starts going on about how he has found men in London (gay or straight) SO much more... insert fabulous adjectives here...
ME: which he apparently is not realizing, does NOT help me, as she's now giving me a look of "why haven't you met these nice, interesting, wealthy men?"

Paul: oh no

ME: I avoid her eyes.
ME: I leaned to David at one point and said, "Hey, how 'bout you casually say 'hey, has she told you about the great places I've been showing her?"
ME: He nods.
ME: We order desserts.
ME: He talks about his mother, and how he's leaving for the States on Friday.
ME: And how my parents are such an inspiration.
ME: So, fighting back tears at this point (and no, it didn't help I'd received an email from A. earlier in the day  ),

Paul: oh no

ME: we get up to go, and my mother says to Sam, "how do I ask the waiter for his name in French? I wanna know his name!"
ME: (she was convinced on winning him over at this point)
ME: him = the waiter
Paul: in lieu of a tip....
ME: Nooooooo... that's dad's department, so they're always very good.
ME: So Sam spends five minutes explaining that it's not 'nombre' and if you say that, he'll think you're asking him for his phone number, and that would probably not go over well...

Paul: lol

ME: So as we're walking towards the exit, she's rehearsing "...prénom, quelle est vous prénom... " or something like that...
ME: she walks up to him, and says,
ME: "Excuse me,
ME: POR FAVOR,

Paul: no

ME: oui.
ME: He grins, thank god,
ME: and IN FRENCH
ME: tells her she's speaking Spanish.
ME: She lights up and says, "Oh! You speak Spanish?!"
ME: (swear to god, John Cleese could've written it)

Paul: why don't we all just speak English?

ME: (no kidding)
ME: We ALL corrected her very quickly
ME: and he (thank god) was very nice, and as we each walked by, he said "Bonsoir, c'est mon plaisir", and then when I passed by, he added “et vous mademoiselle, vous êtes très sympathique”… which at that moment, I wasn’t sure if he was being sarcastic or sincere.

Paul: what's funny is that I think when she sees this in the movie she'll think it's hilarious
Paul: or else whisper to your dad "why is that funny?"

ME: EXACTLY
ME: the pain and the beauty of it
ME: LASTLY...

Paul: ok then I GOTTA get back to work...
Paul: lol

ME: we go back to have a nightcap, and David starts going on and on about her teeth
ME: (promise I'm nearly finished)
ME: Have I mentioned to you she's had HER TEETH CAPPED?

Paul: is it good or bad?

ME: Good, but just kinda weird.
ME: I mean, they're beautiful, straight, WHITE teeth.
ME: Not unnaturally white,

Paul: so she looks like Carol Channing

ME: No
ME: they do look good, but .. she's 78.
ME: And it's just a bit… weird, to see my mom, with really good teeth at that age. Like, they look like ‘natural’, good teeth, but not that a 78 year old woman would have.

Paul: 78?
Paul: my god

ME: Yep!

Paul: how the hell old are we??

ME: She has every right to have nice straight white teeth, but...

Paul: good christ

ME: Yes, but WE are butterflies.

Paul: at least she didn't get her tits done
Paul: butterfly... there's the name of your movie

ME: LOL... I keep saying to my friends, not to her yet... if she even MENTIONS a boob job...
ME: yah.
ME: So.
ME: David says, "pain is beauty, I learned that very young"
ME: ha ha ha... we all laugh.
ME: then she talks about how when my DAD is 'ready,' maybe they'll go together to have the skin under their chins 'done.'
ME: my dad (thank god) rolls his eyes
ME: She says, "well, with him, that'll be never"
ME: Ok, ending:
ME: David and Sam leave, having had a WONDERFUL evening...
ME: NEVER MENTIONING REAL ESTATE (thanksomuch)
ME: ... I got into bed as quickly as possible...

Paul: ok David totally dropped the ball

ME: Yeah, he did, and I'm kind of pissed off about it.
ME: and as my head is hitting the pillow, I overhear my mom saying to my dad:
ME: "I was wrong about the duck; I thought duck in French was the word for lobster, and the lobster was FORTY POUNDS..."
ME: 

Paul: LOL
Paul: great ending
Paul: love it

ME: yeah.
ME: I will love it; one day.

Paul: you should drag them back and make them buy you duck there
Paul: when do they leave?

ME: well, now that she's buddies with Giorgio the FRENCH waiter...
ME: a week from tomorrow, for Scotland
ME: then a week later, I fly up to meet them, and we drive back to Edinburgh together (a week).

Paul: you should have them meet with David to discuss it -- in private, without you. Just like a total business deal -- it's what he does.
Paul: and it's out of your hands anyway

ME: thing is, they wouldn't do it if I was the one arranging it.
ME: It has to come from him; that shows you what little influence I have.
ME: I'm still the 12 year old who has money burning holes in her pockets and ideas of grandeur that just aren’t realistic. Apparently.
ME: All I hear my mom say is "I dunno HOW you do it, living there, it's SO expensive!"
ME: Instead of "Good on you, you're working, you're living there, you've got friends, and you’ve got a whole new life... I'm so proud of you"

Paul: ok I gotta get on top of these flights -- leaving in a week

ME: ok

Paul: thanks for the update

ME: well, thanks for listening 
ME: yeah.

Paul: it's your book!

ME: I know.
ME: I am amazed AND PROUD of myself, that I haven't attempted suicide nor have an eating disorder.

Paul: your task is to just be teflon for the rest of the trip -- accept their craziness, know they love you and believe they know what's best... and try to enjoy your time with them
Paul: remember they won't always be around
Paul: this I know
Paul: lol

ME: yep, I have thought that, but it helps for you to reinforce it!

Paul: remember: TEFLON

Elizabeth!  That is too funny!!!!   And sadly, you are not alone.  I think, in someways, that is my mother and her family talking!

My personal favourite conversation with my parents about money was this (and they're not financially poor, in anyone's imagination!):

I have always been very frugal with money.  I've kept my family afloat on almost nothing (living hand to mouth..) for most of my marriage.  My parents, although they have considerable respect for my ability to budget,  have it in their brains that if they give me money, they are subsidising my husband's education!  Oh, silly me, I thought it would be supporting their daughter in her life choice to be a stay-at-home-parent and their grandchildren during their formative years.  Whatever..!

 

Glad to know I'm not alone.
Though I admit; I've been a spoiled brat nearly my whole life... not been handed things, but certainly learned how to 'get' them.  And therefore I have earned myself a rep in my family of not being great with money, etc.  And apparently that's quite a difficult reputation to shrug off!

My reputation in my family is "you don't need our help.  You'll be fine all on your own!"  But my siblings are much more needy so they get a ton (parentals just bought my brother a condo, IN CASH!!)  _{(begin pity party here..)}

Ah, see... my parents are more "You can do it on your own.  But, well, here, have some help."  "You can't have it unless you [get a high gpa, get a job, etc.]"  task is not met, I still got it.
I'm more in your brother's position, however, it was never with a condo... it was clothes.  Fabulous clothes... and a bus pass.    Priorities are a bit off sometimes. 

But oh, the material. 

That was hilarious. I'm so looking forward to the movie of your life. The punch line about duck/lobster sounds like it was written for a script. And talking to the waiter... yeah, John Cleese.

I sympathise. My parents are in the middle of a two week visit right now, too. On the whole my parents are great. SO much better than many of the horror stories I read around here about other members relationships. But still, they are driving me crazy sometimes. I guess that's just how life is with parents.

They've helped one of my sisters out, a lot. Now I'm looking to buying a house sometime before too long and am hoping for a little help as well. But they keep mentioning how they've used all their money coming to visit, etc. so I don't know. Then again, my dad was curious about a house we looked at, unfortunately not one we ended up wanting. I might plan excursions where we just HAPPEN to drive past places of interest and casually mention, "Oh, that place is for sale..." and see what respone we get.

I love your stories. If you are ever performing up in Scotland again, be sure to let me know.

 
Thanks!

He he, thanks for reposting, now I can send out the link to it and it will work!