When someone in the "other" country dies

This is the part of living overseas the sucks the hardest.

As some of you know, my mom's cancer came back right after Thanksgiving. She had cancer 4 years ago and narrowly beat it. But now it's decided to make an encore appearance, and her treatment isn't going exactly as we'd hoped. We're not giving up hope, it's just more serious than we thought initially. She's probably not going to be able to make it to England this March as we had all hoped, so that she could be here for the birth of my son. In fact, we won't see her at all until July (when we're having a holiday in Boston for a family reunion on her side), and then after that not until the following December/January, when we plan on Immigrating. Which means one visit in 14 months. Which is hard when cancer is in the picture. Hard being a very poor word for what I'm trying to describe.

Anyway, I know there's little I can do. I call her as much as possible, we send her flowers, we send her photos of what I look like pregnant, I bring up our Immigration and she cheers up about having us closer.

But at the end of the day, I'm four hundred million miles away. And can't get my ultimate fear out of my head, of her dying before I can get on a flight, or before I give birth and couldn't fly anyway.

And then I think, well - this is just how it is, isn't it. This is part of what goes into an inter-continental marriage. There will always be someone on the "other" side that needs you... someone who is ill, someone who is dying, someone who is being born, someone who needs a visit... ad infinitum. And I know that once we move to America I'm going to start worrying even more about David's grandparents here. He still has all 4! Our son has 4 great-grandparents right off the bat, and they aren't all the healthiest of people. Maybe this situation feels hardest because it's the first time. Neither one of us have had anyone close to us die *ever*... and it's just so hard (there's that word again) to know that we'll never be able to "be there" for every dear loved one that dies.  

I suppose it's the one thing about being an expat or repat that just never goes away. It's the big suck. I'm not the only one here who thinks this is the Big Suck, am I? I mean... as naive as it sounds, it didn't occur to me that this whole situation, the friends & family dying/being ill a million miles away situation, was something that came along with the package. Of course, I'd still marry David again in half a heartbeat and wouldn't trade him in for the world... but this is one of those parts of the package I wish I could trade in for another option.

Nope, you're not alone, my dear.  I worry about my kids who are back in the US.  I worry about what if they get hurt or sick and need to be in the hospital and me having to somehow find a way to get there during the crisis, because as their mother, t'ain't no way in hell I WON'T go.  

But yea....it does go on...and I worry about when my parents eventually get old and sick and die and when my sister gets old and sick and dies.  How will it be for me if I can't be there for her if I'm too old and sick myself?  Go figure.  

 No you are not alone in having those feelings!Iam really sorry to hear about your Mom  ,bless you and her as well.

 "And then I think, well - this is just how it is, isn't it. This is part of what goes into an inter-continental marriage."
 I dont think we really know the meaning of that until it hits home.

 Draw strength from your husband,your new little one inside you ,and know that even no you cant be with your Mom right now your heart and spirit is,and she knows this as well!
                      (((Hugs)))
                           Rhia
   
 

No, you're not the only one sweetie.  It sucks. And it's the hardest part of a bi-cultural marriage.  One of you is always going to have to be far away from your family at times of joy and crisis.  You can have a strategic plan for sometimes-such as always keeping passports up to date and having a special fund kept aside, but there are also going to be times that kick you in the ass.  Times when it's not possible to fly or you haven't got the funds or even hardest for me-times when your family don't expect you to come home.  I've lost two grandparents since I moved here, a few uncles, and a younger cousin.  It doesn't get easier in any way-ever.  But you get through it.  It's part of the choice you made.  And it's the hardest part of being an ex-pat.  Maybe this is why the whole Taco Bell/ mixer tap/ driving on the left thing doesn't bother me that much.  Because this is what's hard.  
Keep thinking positive, try to have as much contact as you possibly can and put your energy into having this wonderful gift of a baby.  Hugs to you Sara.  

I can only offer huge hugs. There's nothing else as much as I try or wish, because you've found the one problem. As Mindy points out, nothing else matters.

sorry to hear this sara.  I can't even imagine how it must feel for you.  Well if your mother pulled through it once....she can do it again.  Positive thoughts going your way!

For me i knew that my grandpa wasn't in the best health....but the day that i drove to Chicago to get my fiance` visa...driving there....interview...waiting and driving back....having a more than 18 hour day total....coming home to find that my grandfather had passed away on the same day as one of my happiest day's was devastating.  My grandfather did get to meet my wife a time or two....but i would have liked him in life to have been able to see me make my way over to England and marry my wife.
I have an awsome memorial plaque of my grandpa hanging on my computer room wall that my uncle made and sent over to me, that i'm happy to look at every day.
March, 8th, 2002 is memorable in two ways...one more positive than the other.  I can say all and all my grandfather had a good life.

But when it comes to the distance and feeling like you can't be there along side family that needs you...it's very hard.  I often worry about my grandmother now.

Oh Sara- a {{{big hug}}} for you. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family. I have been living a similar experience. On the day that my daughter had surgery for a freak illness here in the UK, my mom was having surgery in the US. Two weeks later she was back in the hospital due to an infection as a result of the surgery. So, to repair her body, she had to undergo a second surgery. Due to complications, she is STILL in the hospital. I have changed my moving plans a little and will be going back home for a month so that I can look after her when she is released this weekend. A little late, but she knows that I have been there with her in thought and prayers during this whole ordeal and she is ever so excited that I will be there this Saturday.
I know my experience is different, but I do understand the helplessness one feels when there is so much distance. Again, a big hug to you.    
Melissa

Thanks everyone, for sharing your stories... it does make me feel better to  know I'm not the only one, and to hear that other people have dealt with similar situations and, well, got on with it. And Mindy, you said "Maybe this is why the whole Taco Bell/ mixer tap/ driving on the left thing doesn't bother me that much.  Because this is what's hard." ... and it's so true. It really does put normal everyday gripes into perspective.  

I have had this happen more then enough in the last 4 years.
Most recently with a huge scare with my own Mom.

I get this huge case of "the guilts"
I think...
If only I were there then I could do this..

If I were there then I could do that..

If I were there I might change this...


Its totally destructive thinking for me.
So, like you, I do the best I can from this end.  When I came here I never stopped to think about losing someone at "home"
I also thought it would be easy to hop a jet when I needed to.  However, 3 kids later...it isnt.

Some days after I talk to my mom and she is sounding weak I am in tears for hours because I cannot get to her.
But then some days she seems almost herself and it makes me stronger.
After losing my dad I am even more protective of my mom.  The last time she was here to visit she made my hubby promise to bring me "home."  It broke my heart..and his.
Still...when/if we leave we will have the same problem in reverse.  My hubs will have a hard time leaving his own mom and dad.
Its a cruel trade off.  If the UK is home now...then phone calls and trips, and letters, and piccys are
your connection to the US.  It is the big suck sometimes....but you seem to have a kind and loving heart and will do whatever you can to juggle the emotions.
It is hard...especially when you lose someone that you expected to see on your next trip "home" like I have.  
We can only do our best, and if you know that you are doing that, with what is possible....then there is no more other then the support of good friends.
Take good care, and I hope all turns out well for you.

I haven't posted in quite some time, busy with life and worried about spelling mistakes , but this thread has hit very close to home. Last year (March 1st) my Father died and I was unable to go to the funeral....Idaho is a long way from Gloucester. I can only say that I hold one precious gift that has gotten me through the grief....I was able to talk to him three days before he died. If I have any advice to pass along it would be to stay in contact with those that you love and care about in the 'other' country. Time passes here and sometimes it is easy to forget that it is the same for them as well.
 All the best to you.

Thanks for that post Keleigh, I'm sorry you had to go through such a heartbreaking experience. I have been making a lot more phone calls than I used to, because even though it's not being there for real, it's still being there and offering support...

Hugs to all who  have been thru a rough time on this subject. When I moved here a few years back, I lost both my parents within 4 months of having left Houston. It's a long and painful story, but I just want to say, it's important to have emotional support. I am thankful that I married such a compassionate and sensitive man. He got me thru a very difficult time. I don't think I could have handled it without him.  My dad supported me moving here, and was to visit us once he had a chance. He was looking for a good nursing home for my mom, as he just couldn't care for her at home anymore. She had a very bad stroke years before, and was left in near vegitative state. He didn't like doing it, but it was to be the best for him and for her at that point. He died two months before she did,  so I ended up being the one who had to find the right place for her. She was so bad off by that point, and the last time I had spoke with my dad he told me the doctor's said it wouldnt' be long now for her. So dad was trying to keep her at home as long as he could. His dedication to her was amazing. I hope she was aware of it,, but she was honestly just there physically, and not visibly aware of anything. The doctors said she could live for many years still, when I got her settled into the care facility. At that point, I had two months left on my fiance visa, so I flew back to organize the wedding, which we had put off after Dad died.  The plan was that once we got married, and sorted out my FLR, we would fly to Houston together. However, two days before the Wedding, I got a call from hospice. Mom had just died. It was so hard, and even tho I had basically lost her a few years before, it didnt' help with the grieving process.  I felt very alone in the world on our wedding day, but my husband was wonderful, and supported me fully. I only wish my parents had gotten to know him a bit more.  I try to honor my parents now, by loving him as they loved each other.  I think they would approve of that. It's all one can do really.

You have all posted some really powerful words.  I know where you are all coming from.  I too have gotten that call saying someone was ill.  I was lucky in that my dad survived but I can tell you I have never felt as hopeless and helpless as I did all the way in Poland that cold December day.  I wasn't anywhere near an airport had no phone at my apartment and all I wanted to do was be home.

In many ways I have thought about not moving again so I can be with my parents for the next however many years, but a talk with my dad helped me feel better.  He told me that he raised me so I could grow and be who I was meant to be and that his happiness was seeing me happy.  He also said that no matter where I am it may never be near enough to say goodbye.  

My solution to it all?  I spend as much time as I can with them.  I try not to argue with my mother and I never leave, hang up the phone no matter how angry without saying I love you.  We call each other every day.  Even if only a few moments to make sure we are okay.  Even when I lived overseas we at least chatted online every day.  It may seem excessive to some, but we are all we have and after moving all over the place together we are a tight little family of three.  My husband is now the fourth.  Even with his family we ring every Sunday like clockwork.  

Just remember to call and send that letter or email it may be the last time you have to tell them you love them.  

Hugs and prayers to all those that have lost someone or had someone who is ill.