These are some excerpts from Rohan Candappa's 'Wrong Shui', a satirical little book based on Fung Shui. I discovered it in my husband's books, and had a good laugh. I hope you all get a laugh out of it, too. (Granted, I have a bizarre sense of humor. Bear with me. lol
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1: Plants with pointy leave are bad for you. So are friends with pointy faces. Avoid both.
2: Storing sugar in the salt cellar and salt in the sugar bowl will descourage complacency in many ways.
3: The space directly in front of your house is sacred. It is here that you should practice Wrong Shui's sister art of Ka Pa King. On no account let anyone occupy this sacred space.
4: If your toast always lands butter-side down, plan ahead. Butter the other side instead.
5: If parts of your home are prone to darkness, a light, carefully located, will solve the problem.
6: Curtains should never be drawn. It is much better if they are lightly sketched.
7: In Wrong Shui, red is an extremely lucky colour. That is why it is far more auspicious to wait until any utility bill turns red before paying it.
8: Stairs going up are good Wrong Shui. In your home only have stairs going up.
9: removing the occasional floorboard from your home will help generate in you, and in those who visit you, a heightened sense of awareness of your surroundings.
10: Flowing water is good Wrong Shui. So when winter approaches, remove a couple tiles or slates from your home.
11: If a road runs outside your front door, this means you will be bypassed in life. Dig up the road at the earliest possible opportunity.
12: Keep your pockets free of margarine.
13: Closets located inside cabinets are a very bad arrangement. Sooner or later, it will all end in tears.
14: A wet bar of soap placed at the top of a long flight of stairs is bad Wrong Shui. Such bars are more usefully positioned in the bathroom in a secure soap dish.
15: Do not pllace your desk anywhere that you can get to it. Or in the fast lane of the M42.
16: Fridges are, as a rule, cold unwelcoming places. Resolve the problem by always leaving the door slightly ajar.
17: Never position a rock near a hard place.
18: It is well established that walls have ears, but lesser known that floors have noses, and totally forgotten that ceilings have elbows. Act accordingly.
19: Don't put all your eggs in one basket. Use an egg box like everyone else and stop being such a poser.
20: A chipped plate is very bad Wrong Shui. But a plate of chips is very good.
21: Always remember that in the journey of life, two wrongs don't make a right, but three rights make a left.
22: If your relationship is in trouble, improve the situation by placing a picture of an old partner with whom you got on particularly well by your bed. This should encourage your current partner.
23: Earth is a powerful element in Wrong Shui. Properly deployed it will help ground you. If anyone at work is getting carried away with their own importance, spread soil over the floor of their office and their desk. The difference you will notice in their behavior will be remarkable.
24: In a restaurant, never sit with your back to the door. But always sit with your back to the bill.
25: The kitchen and dining area should be as far away from each other as possible. They should at least be on different floors, preferably in different houses, and ideally in different post-codes.
26: Always try to keep your lungs positioned above your kidneys.
27: Knives with sharp edges ar bad Wrong Shui. In the kitchen only cut things with spoons. Blunt spoons, ideally.
28: In Wrong Shui colours have meanings. Red represents good fortune. Blue stands for serenity. green means you should wash more frequently. And grey is the new black.
29: In any conversation, the gaps between the words the other person speaks allow negative energies to slip through and reach you. To avoid this danger endeavour to fill these gaps with low, atonal humming.
30: Store food in your fridge alphabetically.
31: Leave an open window when you go on holiday and when you return you will find that the problems of a cluttered living space will have resolved themselves.
32: If a room feels cold and unwelcoming, consider the fact that you may have done something to upset it. take it out for a nice, intimate meal to discuss the matter.
33: Never buy a house with bloodstains on the wall and a strange smell coming from beneath the floorboards.
34: There may be a shopping trolley for every pond, but there's not a pond for every shopping trolley.
35: Avoid walking on carpets.
36: When driving, avoid roads with forks in them. In fact, avoid raods with any cutlery in them.
37: Foolish are the people who play Twister on the stairs.
38: Doors to a bedroom should only open one way. Doors that swing both ways can be easily misinterpreted.
39: Never put tables and chairs in the same room. If they congregate together for any length of time, they will inevitably hatch plots against you and your pets.
40: If a man in a public house is annoying you with unpleasant blaggardry, cleanse his aura and calm him down by hopping around him on one foot three times and chanting the name of The Master - Eu Plon Ka - while pointing at him with the sacred Wrong Shui gesture of the fist with the extended middle finger.
