Hypotheticals

This isn't one of those I-have-a-friend scenarios where it's really me asking...I just like to play devil's advocate.  And don't tell me none of you have though of this before.

So, since we're all in LDRs on this boards, I have to pose the question: What would you do if you found your SO had cheated/was cheating?  Obviously there's a bit of difference in one night stand/hooker versus real dating/sex with another woman, but for argument's sake, let's lean towards the second option.  Would you confront them while still LD or wait until you were face-to-face?  Would you give them time to explain/rationalise or dump them straight away?  Would you say anything at all?

Let's say you found out through devious means...like hacking their e-mail or phone records or something.  THEN what?  You can't confront without admitting what you did, but then they committed the sin of cheating.  Hold it in until you can confront the bastard face-to-face?  Wait until you had a fight?  Never say anything, because you know (or really, really hope) it was only while you were LDR & when you're SD, everything will be normal again?

It's a hard question(s).  Do you have an answer?  How well do you know yourself?  Not easy!

Well, first off not everyone on this forum is in a LDR.

And of course only being my personal opinion about what I would do myself in this hypothetical situation...
Id tell him what I knew, how I found out and end it right now.  For me, Id never have trust again.  Period.

Im not in an LDR, and i am not trusting enough to ever be in an LDR, because i would always be suspicious of what was going on with 'female friends' etc while i was thousands of miles away.

But if i was, hypothetically, in an LDR and he cheated... with a hooker, a one night stand, or a 'real date'... i would tell him to hit the fckin road.
If i found out about his cheating through devious means, then it would be a DOUBLE red flag to me... cos the mere fact that i would be sneaking around for info means there is something not quite right in the relationship.

I'm not in an LDR anymore, but if I found out (deviously or not) that he was cheating, he'd be gone!  No way I'd wait to confront him face to face.  He wouldn't deserve that decency.

And of course only being my personal opinion about what I would do myself in this hypothetical situation...
Id tell him what I knew, how I found out and end it right now. For me, Id never have trust again. Period.

BINGO.

There would be no reconcilation.

No trying to work it out.

Done.

Over.

Through.

We have this promise now still, and always will through our married life.  If one cheats, the other can leave.  How you could go on in a relationship where someone has cheated is beyond me.  As any sembliance of trust would be wiped out.  Completely.

Thank god my Husband isn't the cheatin' kind!

My husband and I were never in an LDR.  Personally, I've never been in one.  Not b/c I wouldn't trust them, but b/c they're just not for me.

But my philosophy has always been that it makes no difference - a person can cheat right under someone nose, living in the same house w/them.  Happens all the time.

No matter how I found out, we'd be through.  End of. 

But if i was, hypothetically, in an LDR and he cheated... with a hooker, a one night stand, or a 'real date'... i would tell him to hit the fckin road.
If i found out about his cheating through devious means, then it would be a DOUBLE red flag to me... cos the mere fact that i would be sneaking around for info means there is something not quite right in the relationship.

Well said, and exactly my thoughts.  If a guy cheated, no matter if it was LDR or he was right in front of me, he'd have to be gone.  I consider it disrespect to myself to let that go, and if he could let all the trust we had built together go, then he's not worth it.  And I would certainly never trust him again.  It's hard enough for me to trust someone enough to date them anyway.  I don't care where he is or where I am in the world, he cheats, he's gone, period.

I don't even think of DH cheating because i have such implicit trust in him.  If that was ever violated, I don't know what I'd do.. 

I used to think "over" but then a close friend of mine revealed to me that her husband had been cheating on her for over 10 years, mostly one night stands while travelling and internet sex. She didn't find out until last year.   She has two kids.  She is not leaving him and they are in counselling to try and find some common ground.  They pretty much co-exist in the same house, and there definitely is no trust there.  I realised after talking to her about it, when there are kids involved, that it is not as simple as "I'm outta here.."   

Hmmm...

I would have to look at the circumstances as to why he cheated.  It is possible to cheat or be cheated on and still love the person enough to work through it.  It would certainly diminish the trust in the relationship and that to me would most likely be the reason for breaking up.  Not the physical act of cheating.

But then I have a definite - what I don't know won't hurt me kind of policy. 

Well, first off not everyone on this forum is in a LDR.

And of course only being my personal opinion about what I would do myself in this hypothetical situation...
Id tell him what I knew, how I found out and end it right now.  For me, Id never have trust again.  Period.

Agree 100%

Karin, i agree with you.

I was in a LDR, and before I went away I told my then bf that if he did cheat, I would want him to tell me, as lying would be more of a problem than infidelity.  He did cheat, and told me me six months after...which means that there were several times where I had asked him and he lied to my face, and it was the lying that killed the relationship.  He cheated again and told me straight away, and it wasn't really an issue (both were one night stands), but I never really trusted him again because of the lies the first time.

I don't think things are ever black and white.  I was thousands of miles away, he wasn't going to see me for six months, he was a good looking chap who couldn't take his beer...I sort of expected it to happen, simply because he was/is a weak man!  

A long term affair I would not have put up with.  I value honesty too much.

Vicky

I was in a LDR, and before I went away I told my then bf that if he did cheat, I would want him to tell me, as lying would be more of a problem than infidelity. 

This is true for me too- I've never been in a cheating situation so I'm honestly not sure if I could handle infidelity (I'm leaning towards I wouldn't be able to handle it but I wouldn't know for sure unless I was confronted with it) but lying and lack of honesty is a BIG issue with me (and I *have* been in that situation.)  If someone cheated on me and I found out, I'd probably kick him to the curb for trying to cover it up more than anything...unless of course he told me right after it happened, which might make things less clear cut.

But then I have a definite - what I don't know won't hurt me kind of policy. 

Me as well...I don't think I would automatically say that I would be out of here, and I would hope that we would try to work through the situation rather than just walking out.  Perhaps it would not be able to be saved but at least we would know we had tried.

Modified to add I've been in the situation on both sides...

Time out! Party over !

part of our promise is that if we start to feel like this might happen-like we're developing feelings for a colleage etc....that we talk about it ASAP no matter how hard it is and that we work it out.