Hypotheticals

Agree with others here,
If he'd cheated. We're finished.

Theres 3 things he can do that will never get a second chance with me and thats cheating on me,hitting me, and mental abuse. I put up with that sh*t with my exhusband and I'll be damned if I'll put up with it again

Theres 3 things he can do that will never get a second chance with me and thats cheating on me,hitting me, and mental abuse. I put up with that sh*t with my exhusband and I'll be damned if I'll put up with it again

Couldn't agree more! My mom put up with cheating and mental abuse from my dad for years and years. Having witnessed what being too understanding about those sorts of things did to her life has made me very hard core about what I will and won't put up with.... 

I'm not LD anymore. If I found out my husband was cheating, I'd be out the door. No doubt about it. I'd be on the next plane I could afford, going back home. There's absolutely no way I could trust him after something like that, so I would end it.

Having witnessed what being too understanding about those sorts of things did to her life has made me very hard core about what I will and won't put up with.... 

me too.
I am nearly 43 years old, and I've seen and experienced a LOT.   At my age, I feel i am too old to be dealing with b*llocks like that.

me too.
I am nearly 43 years old, and I've seen and experienced a LOT.   At my age, I feel i am too old to be dealing with b*llocks like that.

I never put up w/b*llocks like that long before I was the age I am now!

Agree with others here,
If he'd cheated. We're finished.

Theres 3 things he can do that will never get a second chance with me and thats cheating on me,hitting me, and mental abuse. I put up with that sh*t with my exhusband and I'll be damned if I'll put up with it again

I dealt with this too, from an ex-bf who I went to the same college to be with.  There's no way I'm ever going through that again, once was enough.  I learned my lesson!  But for me... part of it was I didn't feel I deserved better.  So, I state upfront in a relationship, any of these, and you're gone, no ifs, ands, or buts about it.  I believe in being open and honest, so I tell them from the beginning my provisos.

Okay, I didn't mean EVERYone was in an LDR, but the majority of "Enduring the Distance" posters...

I'm a little surprised (yet not) that the vast majority of people would simply kick him/her to the curb.  For me, it's more the issue of trust than the cheating itself - we also had an informal "if you going to do it, at least have the dignity to tell me" agreement, but when it comes down to it, the odds of getting told that your SO is cheating is slim when they think they can cover up, no messes.

What if you made the decision to forgive them or at least attempt to work through it.  Would you hold it in and wait until you were SD so you could talk about face-to-face or confront the issue now, knowing there's the possbility that may break up the relationship (especially if they found you got the info through covert means).  But I guess that's a dumb question, because if they break up with YOU because you found out they cheated, that relationship was dead anyway.

It's not easy.  For me, I would think that the reason they cheated was because they had needs to be fulfilled that I couldn't do from 5000 miles away and that as soon as we were together again, that would stop (especialy if you had never had fidelity issues while together).  In that case, would you still kick him out?  It's by no means an excuse, but...oh forget it, I can't rationalise this one.

This thread is interesting.

I think you have rationalised it perfectly.  I had a terrible time not giving in to certain urges when I hadn't seen my bf for four months, and although I succeeded, I didn't think he would and I didn't really mind that he gave in and had his fun.  I minded that he lied.  And I minded that the first time he did it was the night after I left the UK, only 8 hours after we had said goodbye, and when I was in a hotel room in Mumbai crying my eyes out unable to reach him on the 'phone...


Vicky

I guess with my husband and I, it goes down to the matter of if you love someone enough, if you give a damn about their feelings and the pact you make when you enter a loving relationship, and you want them and them alone, you will wait. Plainly put. I don't think there is any excuse for going outside a relationship just because you needed to have sex. Trust, to me, would be lost if I knew that he didn't take our relationship seriously enough to keep his pants up. That is a very, very BIG issue with me because I have been cheated on numerous times. We made the commitment to wait for each other for the two years that we were apart before we were together in person, and we were apart for nine months after that. It took a huge amount of trust. I had been cheated on, and it took so much faith in him for me to trust that he wouldn't do it to me, too. And I was true to him in every shape and form through that time, as he was to me. If I found that he had not been faithful, and had in fact been lying to me about being so faithful by going behind my back and screwing someone because he needed his fix, I would see that as his not seeing our relationship as important enough to wait. I wouldn't  ever have tolerated his being loving one minute, and then turning around and going out and screwing someone (because he really loves and misses me so much, right...). I don't see any excuse whatsoever for anyone to go behind their partners' backs and screw around. If someone is going to do that, they might as well end the relationship, because they obviously don't care enough about it to keep their pants up and be faithful......they can't really care that much about a person's feelings or the love they supposedly share. If they love this one person solely, they don't want to be with anyone else but that ONE person. Not only that, but in this day and age, if they go out and screw some random person, they could be bringing home something horrible (STD's, e.t.c.). Yes, every one of us has a sex drive, but that should take the back seat to faithfulness and the willingness to do anything to keep a relationship (and the trust therein) intact. Ok, there's a my rant. Yes, this is something that gets to me. LOL 

Okay, I didn't mean EVERYone was in an LDR, but the majority of "Enduring the Distance" posters...

I knew what you meant, afterall you did say board not forum... Enduring the Distance posters are a vast majority of LDR people, just have a scroll down the list of posters.

I'd like to think I am too practical for a major LDR without some clause in there about dating other people. Of course I'd look at the circumstances why we are apart in the first place and if anything could be done to change it before that commitment to "forever."

What people say and what people would do in real life can vary and you never know what you'd do until put in that situation and with that partner especially if you have children and a life together. One would hope the relationship should end amicably and not done purely in haste.

If I found that he had not been faithful, and had in fact been lying to me about being so faithful by going behind my back and screwing someone because he needed his fix, I would see that as his not seeing our relationship as important enough to wait. I wouldn't ever have tolerated his being loving one minute, and then turning around and going out and screwing someone (because he really loves and misses me so much, right...). I don't see any excuse whatsoever for anyone to go behind their partners' backs and screw around. If someone is going to do that, they might as well end the relationship, because they obviously don't care enough about it to keep their pants up and be faithful......they can't really care that much about a person's feelings or the love they supposedly share.

AMEN!  I totally agree with your rant!

I've been a cheater - ended my relationship after the cheating because I was wrong.  I was 18 and away at college, that's my excuse.  

I have also been cheated on and mentally abused.  I think the abuse was because of the cheating.  We were engaged and living together.  Once I found out, the day I found out - I packed my bags and left.  There was no discussion needed.  The relationship was over because the trust was gone and he had his you know what somewhere else!

We had a long discussion about this very early on in our relationship.  He and I have both been hurt by cheating and have HUGE trust issues.  We agreed to be honest with each other always.  That being said, I trust him completely.  I would never snoop.  If you have to snoop, there is something wrong with the relationship.

What people say and what people would do in real life can vary and you never know what you'd do until put in that situation and with that partner especially if you have children and a life together. One would hope the relationship should end amicably and not done purely in haste.

I also agree with you.  I don't have children and have not taken those vows.  It's a lot easier for me to walk away.  I do have a friend that made the decision to stay in her marriage and I repsect her for that.  Her and her husband have been through a lot and I give them so much credit for working it all out. But this wasn't a LDR - well his affair was a LDR. 

He's out.  Not "I'm packing my bags and leaving".  He is getting kicked out of my house.  (Though I understand that with kids things might have to work a bit differently.)  I've been on both ends of the cheating thing (as a teenager) and, in my opinion, the reason you cheat is that your needs are coming before the relationship's needs.  As soon as I cheated I broke up with my boyfriend.  I realized that I didn't care enough about him anymore to respect him.  Having been through that I know that I will end my marriage if I'm not happy in it, then go out and find someone new.  Not the other way around.

And my husband and I discussed cheating when we first started dating.  We have the same feelings.  We have the same three basic rules that a few others do.  1) No cheating (no romantic emotional relationships, no kissing, no touching, no sex) 2) No violence (no slapping, punching, kicking, throwing or hitting objects or people) 3) No belittling or mental abuse.  We are both worth more than that.

I really couldn't tell you an honest answer. In my head right at this moment i'd say i'd leave him immidiatly but who knows when you are going through it. People tend to act differently when in a situation than when they are asked what they'd do before the situation happens. I'm sure there'd be alot of fighting and the lost of trust and if you stayed and decided to work it out you'd have to put your whole self into making it work and rebuilding that trust. It would be hard work but if you love the person and they love you (obviously needing a "sex fix" isn't loving you if they can't wait for it then they don't love you) then i'd say give it a go and see what happens.

What are peoples thoughts on that? Sorry to hijack! What's worst...an emotional affair or purely physical...

Well clearly the emotional affair would scar me much more than the physical

but then again they are both condemed in my heart!  An affair is an affair. Plain and simple.  An affair means lack of trust and respect for me, for our relationship, for our family.  Even if i had children i am 99.9% sure i'd feel the same way.

My mom took my brother from a very very unhappy marriage and did fine.  I would do the same if i had to.

But that's just me!

Well clearly the emotional affair would scar me much more than the physical

but then again they are both condemed in my heart!  An affair is an affair. Plain and simple.  An affair means lack of trust and respect for me, for our relationship, for our family. 

Agreed