DISCUSSION: Before you move: Things to really think about

They are different Churches.

Vicky

Something else that occurred to me when reading another thread. Don't assume that because the British people you know (BF, DH, in-laws etc) do things in a certain way, that that is 'the British way').

When I first moved here, when I questioned the way my husband or his family did something, he would sometimes reply, "That's how it's done in England."

Now that I have been here for a while and know people other than my in-laws and my husband's friends, I know that it's not always how it's done in England, it's how it's done in his family.

Mexican food talk has been moved here:

http://talk.uk-yankee.com/index.php?topic=33588.0

Hee hee, sorry Mindy!  I'll hijack almost anything if it takes me to Mexican food!

Nobody has replied to this thread in awhile and although I am technically "new" to actually posting to the board, I've been a member for over a year. I have been thinking about this for awhile and I have finally figured out the reason why some people like crabbit.expat and Mindy and expat in scotland and a host of other people on this website have had such successful transitions while others struggle (and no, I am not trying to offend anyone so please DON'T take offense). I think it is the difference of having the mindset of being a "cultural migrant" versus a "financial migrant".

Most "financial migrants" come to a certain country or another trying to make a better life for themselves and do not necessarily want to leave their country of origin but simply have no choice or see themselves as having no choice in the matter. Quite a few of the Americans move to the UK because they have a spouse who does not want to leave but at the same time, they are not necessarily sold on the UK either. Us as Americans, we usually don't have the need to be financial migrants but there are some of us on this board who think the same way as financial migrants. We moan about how everything in the U.S. was just better, how we don't understand the culture, how we just don't "get" the binge drinking, knife crime, rude teenagers, etc. as if we don't have to put up with society issues in our own country. We tend to romanticize the U.S. but at the same time moan about everything wrong with the U.K. It's a horrible mindset to be in because every country has good and bad points. This financial migrant point of view then turns to jubilation when the choice is made to return to the U.S. but what they fail to understand is that the U.S. has also changed while they have been away. No country is stagnant. Once they get back to the U.S. things are perfect in their mind... until reality hits them and they often find out that they are no happier in the U.S. than they would have been in the U.K. For like the U.K., the U.S. is struggling with a lot issues, including terrorism, an unpopular war, rising gang violence, a not-so-good economy (unless you happen to be related to the Bushes, Gates and Buffets), immigration, etc. (sound familiar)

On the other hand, a "cultural migrant" comes to a country and might also be a financial migrant as well but their minds are open to the new culture. They are ready for the adventure. What might be an emotional melt-down situation for a "financial migrant" is just another day of discovery for a cultural migrant. That is because they have opened their mind to the idea that discovering and immersing themselves in another culture is a wonderful idea. They realize that there might be certain aspects to the culture they might not get or understand but at the same time make the decision not to judge the culture for these idiosyncrasies either. It is easier for cultural migrants to acclimate themselves and they adjust much quicker of the two migrant groups. They don't try to neceassrily hold on to their host culture; instead, they welcome the idea of doing things like the new culture they have immersed themselves in.

I think of the two, I want and strive to be a cultural migrant. I will be moving to the U.K. myself in a few years (the times not really set as my husband isn't sure how much time he wants to spend here in the U.S. although he claims he wants to at least get his citizenship before we cross the pond). I just visited the U.K. this past December/January and loved it because it forced me to learn a lot about myself and the kind of person I am. I navigated London and all of its busy suburbs by myself. I puposefully chose a hotel in Ilford so I would have to get out there with the population and really live as opposed to surrounding myself with tourists. I then took the bus to visit my then-fiance in Northern England and we did do the tourist thing (York and Newcastle) but then we also did Durham and Leeds (nothing particularily touristy about those trips and drives, just every day life).

I am also in the particular situation as I have a child from a previous relationship and when we move over there, she will be a TCK (third culture kid). Both her parents are American and yes, her step-father is British but she technically has no extended family in the U.K. I have started to buy all the necesary books for handling this phenomenon but at the same time realize it will have to be something that I will have to dive into. I use this board for the tremendous life information provided by the many users here and I can not thank you all enough. I am not nervous about my move nor do I look forward to it with feverish excitement but I am seriously trying to step outside myself and look at the whole picture. At times, I have felt very scared and very elated but in the middle, there is real life and this is where I try to keep myself planted. 

Great post DaniBee! Welcome to UKY

good post, very intelligently put

I disagree with danibee. Her post basically says that it's down to having an open mind. Traveling and seeing the sites and everyday life is one thing. Moving and navigating a whole new life in another country is another. I have had an open mind, I really wanted to see how DH grew up, his customs etc... I don't consider it a financial move at all. DH could have moved to the US, but he has a son from a previous marriage that he did not want to leave. I thought that was fair enough so I moved over here. It wasn't easy, I had my moments of missing the US and hating britain. I still have them. So, the success of others on this forum is not simply that they are broad minded, there are other factors. I know some have mentioned on here they have no more family in the US, so there's not real ties there. I have all my family there, making it more difficult for me to want to be here forever. Others have stated political reasons for staying away from the US. I do not feel that strongly about politics so it doesn't hinder or help me living here. I think it's just individuals and emotions, not necessarily about being open minded.

Being broad or open minded will definitely help one adjust to any move. I haven't moved to the UK yet but January is getting closer. I remember there being differences when I left home in Baltimore to attend College in Asheville, NC. Big change for me and it hit me hard. After some time I settled in. Then the time came where I felt a need to move on for "financial" reasons. I moved to Athens, GA. The supermarkets where different, the downtown life was different, housing was different. It hit me hard. After some time I settled in. Noticing a trend? So when I left Athens for Atlanta, again "financial" reasons, I wasn't freaked out by the changes I was going through. I'm expecting that my move to the UK will be easier in some respects and will "hit me hard" in other respects. Things will be more different than previous moves, but I will have my lovely finacee to lead me around and show me the ropes. I think the most difficult thing for me will be getting used to the "instant family". DF has 2 kids.

on a side note, I've been visiting the UK for the past 12 years or so. My sister has been living in the UK for that long. She'll be about a 3 hour drive from where I'll be living.

Looking forward to new experiences ahead of me.

No, it's not difficult, but you do have to 'put yourself out there' as some have said.
You cant expect people to flock to you begging to be your friend! 
Once you get a job and start working, it happens naturally.
I really feel for stay-at-home mums that are lonely and feel friendless... i dont have any idea how i would meet people & make friends if i didnt go to work. 

(just wanted to add, in case it's not obvious... i didnt mean 'you' to zeusy... just expats/newcomers in general!)

true true... and I guess its hard to make a big move by yourself but cheers to those that did and are still hanging in there.  THe only reason I am considering moving is that my brother and his family lives there and my best friend is going.  If that wasn't the case, I would be lost. 

and as far as the stay at home mums go... My sis n law hates it there just because she is stuck at home all day, not with kids because they are at school, but because she hasn't made any friends and doesn't want to go anywhere by herself really.  So she is like hurry up and get over here!

My sis n law hates it there just because she is stuck at home all day, not with kids because they are at school, but because she hasn't made any friends and doesn't want to go anywhere by herself really. 

I was like that for my first couple (few?) months and it was nearly the death of my relationship. You (as Genau! said, that's the "you" in general, not "you" specifically) just have to suck it up, take a deep breath, and put yourself out there. Maybe that's as small a step as going out to get the paper and forcing yourself to say "hi, how are you" to the person behind the counter... but you can't just be too afraid to go places. Take small steps at first and then work up to things like volunteering or joining a group, but take them!!

Glad I found this post... I read that list, and I do feel I have most of those qualities, and I feel like I will make friends, even if it takes a while, as I am easy to talk to, and pretty talkative ... though I am so nervous right now, knowing that I will feel "different" and I am not used to a lot of attention, and his family and friends are gonna be crowded around me at first trying to figure me out, I think!    All the girls he knows want to take me out, which is a good thing, but I am a bit nervous, anyway... just knowing I will feel different and sometimes out of place... it's hard because DH thinks I should just be excited (and I am, don't get me wrong!) but any hint of anything less than supreme confidence and he thinks I am going to change my mind at the airport!!  I have told him to expect me to have hard days, and that sometimes I might get depressed or homesick, or whatever, and I try to tell him to keep in mind that just because I miss cookies and cream ice cream or whatever doesn't mean I want to hop on a plane and go back to America..
I am preparing myself for a LOT of change right now... last week at my job (not that it means that much to me) and moving out of my apartment tonight and tomorrow night to move in with my parents for these last two weeks... all my friends are depressed, even though they are happy for me... my mom is being strong and she loves DH and is really, really happy for me, but I know she is going to be so depressed when I go.  Seeing my old grandmother cry her eyes out at the airport isn't going to be fun for me!   I know I want to be with him, and it is worth going, and that I will be happy there, even if it takes some getting used to, and I am not having second thoughts, but I am having some anxiety here and there about the move... I know its only natural... people say that wedding jitters are normal, but I had none of those.  I knew what I was doing, and I was happier than ever, and I know he is the right person for me!  But, I am just preparing myself for a huge culture shock and the hard times that I might face missing family and friends and my familiar surroundings... sorry to ramble on, but it helps to get this off my chest to people who understand how this feels... the emotional rollercoaster of being so happy, so sad, so nervous, and so excited all at the same time... this is the biggest moment of my life, and I am just working through my feelings mostly alone, since no one else understands or they only think of my leaving from their own point of view...
thanks for listening, guys!

  julia-mel! I completely know what you mean. Just this morning I started realising how long it will be until I see my family again after I move. It will be the hardest with my sisters and nephews. I'm trying to savor the time I have here now so I can savor the time I have over there. When I get frustrated over there (at silly little things like how my cooking always seems to turn out differently!) I remind myself of how lucky I am to have this experience to travel and live in another culture and how many people have said they were jealous of that. It's easy to take things for granted. I'm not always the most positive or optimistic person, but I sure keep trying to be! 

julia-mel! I completely know what you mean. Just this morning I started realising how long it will be until I see my family again after I move. It will be the hardest with my sisters and nephews. I'm trying to savor the time I have here now so I can savor the time I have over there. When I get frustrated over there (at silly little things like how my cooking always seems to turn out differently!) I remind myself of how lucky I am to have this experience to travel and live in another culture and how many people have said they were jealous of that. It's easy to take things for granted. I'm not always the most positive or optimistic person, but I sure keep trying to be! 

Well, reading that post I put up a while back really made me smile, as I am now settling in so well, I don't even know what I was nervous about!      I have been seeing my family and friends on webcam and talking to them on the phone (we got an awesome international call plan) and still get to spend time with DH, enjoying all the beautiful scenery, and everyone has been so nice.  Most people don't even mention my accent or ask where I am from, I guess the Brits don't like to feel too nosy...    Not that I mind when people do!  I am actually enjoying feeling different for a change... no homesickness so far in the first month, still just awed by my surroundings and that I actually went through with it all... I admit the going away parties were a bit tough, but my family didn't even really cry at the airport, just smiled and cheered as I went through security.. it was the best moment of my life! 
So good luck to you chi chi chapi!!!!  It won't be as hard as you expect it to be!   

Hi,

I really find this helpful. I just moved here from Seattle in Aug. and was missing home like crazy. people here tend to hang out with people of same origin, which is kind of weird cause where I'm from people just mix even if they don't know you. so yeah I was kind of having a hard time meeting people. I was so happy to run in to this American guy today though . Don't get me wrong though you'll find people here nice and friendly but because it's not our home it feels weird a bit.

people here tend to hang out with people of same origin,

I think that depends where you live.


Vicky