Boyfriend's mother not supportive

I'm starting to feel upset and I don't want to say anything to my boyfriend because I know he's just as upset, if not more, than I am. Plus it's his mother, so I don't think I should really say negatives about her anyway.

We just decided to start dating in June, we had an instant connection and both feel drawn to each other in a way that we cannot describe. We know we want to be married, and I hope to move to England next summer as long as things go as planned.

My parents would prefer he was an American, but are supportive. His father is from the States and is supportive, gave me a chance, but is also hoping my boyfriend will move here because that would also be closer to him.

DB's mother is not supportive. The only positive thing she has said is that we are a "cute couple" when DB showed her some pictures of us together. She is giving DB such a hard time. He is not allowed to mention me, when he does she has a go at him. When he told her, he was excited thinking she'd be supportive, but she just cried and went on about how his father would win and asking why he had to date an American, "why can't you meet a nice English girl?"

Yesterday DB told her that I was going to come visit in October. He is in college/uni, so she wouldn't even have to see me if she didn't want to.  He was tired so took a nap in the afternoon, woke up late and spent time with his family thinking he would talk to me after they went to bed, as usual. His mom decided to take the modem to bed with her.  His phone battery was dead and his charger was downstairs. He couldn't go downstairs after his parents went to bed, that was her whole reasoning for taking the modem to bed with her, saying he woke her up at night walking on the stairs. So I was worried that something had happened to him, it's not like him, he always gets in touch with me. After a sleepless night, I get a text from him at 4am telling me what happened. He figured she wouldn't have grounds to do that again tonight, but apparently she took the modem to bed again saying that he needs to be able to wake up in the morning.

My boyfriend doesn't like confilict, he doesn't tell people when he's angry, and he says all the time that he feels he's a pushover. He has been upset about how unsupportive his mother has been, but now he's getting angry. We are thinking that he goes back to uni in a month, and it'll be easier then, but in the meantime it's going to be so difficult for him being at home and feeling so upset and frustrated. I'm upset too, I can appreciate what she must be thinking, but feel she is crossing the line, he's in his 20s. Plus we figure having him come to visit me during school vacations will be an even bigger issue, so would like to pick our battles, thinking time together in person is more important since we are still able to talk a bit, just not as much as we are used to.

I guess this is more of a vent than anything else, but I really hope things can get better with his mother, it's bringing us closer together, but making him resent his mother and being at home, and I hate to see that affect his family life. He says she'll like me when she gives me a chance and gets to know me....I'm kind of not worrying about her liking me at this point, I'll be nice since she's his mother, but it's really not leaving a good impression for me.

I can understand her concerns, but this is just over the top!

What a b*tch!...wow. I really feel bad for you, I think i'd die if my db's mother disliked me. What does it matter what country you're from??? Who gives a rats ass, it's not like England has nothing but nice girls...you can find nice girls in America. I'm guessing this all has to do with his Father and her history with him and her having a bad taste left in her mouth. Maybe you could step up and call her? Or even when you go there try to build a relationship with her like go out to eat and have a girls day?

I cannot believe she snatched his modem and slept with it...how vindictive is that!!!

I hope things work out for you. You have what seems to be a bumpy road ahead of you. How old are you and your db??

We-elll.  Let's remember that she's his mother and we haven't heard her side of the story before we start calling her names.

Could be he's done this before-gotten all obsessed with someone on line? 

Or could be that he's not doing things he should and is a pain to live with-like sleeping all day instead of working or helping around the house?

Or could be that she's been through the stress of inter-continental relationship herself and knows how difficult it is for everyone concerned?

But, bottom line.  I'm afraid I'm of the 'live in my house, live by my rules' philosophy.  He needs to grow up and get his own place if he doesn't want his mother telling him what to do. 

[mom hat off;)]

We-elll.  Let's remember that she's his mother and we haven't heard her side of the story before we start calling her names.

Could be he's done this before-gotten all obsessed with someone on line? 

Or could be that he's not doing things he should and is a pain to live with-like sleeping all day instead of working or helping around the house?

Or could be that she's been through the stress of inter-continental relationship herself and knows how difficult it is for everyone concerned?

But, bottom line.  I'm afraid I'm of the 'live in my house, live by my rules' philosophy.  He needs to grow up and get his own place if he doesn't want his mother telling him what to do. 

[mom hat off;)]

I love ya! I could not have said any of this better.....and i'm no mum!

taking the modem to bed though.. THAT'S funny!!

My mom used to  be in my bed  when I was out late  so  I couldn't lie about when I got home.. so to be honest, nothing shocks me!

I'm sorry you're having such a hard time right now.  And while I totally understand the 'if he wants to live by his own rules, he should get his own place' sentiment.  I ended up moving 1100 miles away based on that sentiment, and it worked so much better for me than always being around my parents.  I do, however, think she is taking it a bit far.  My parents would tell me to go to bed, and get off the internet when I visited home, but they felt I was enough of an adult and had been functioning like one for long enough to know that I knew when I needed sleep, or that I knew how much I could handle.  Seeing just this side of it though, does sound like she has some lasting resentment towards Americans.  But, then again, I always hated the exact opposite question 'why can't you find a nice American boy?'  Try to hang in there, if you feel he's worth it, and it seems you do.  He'll be at Uni soon, and perhaps the longer the relationship goes, you may earn some grudging respect from her as the girl her son cares for.  No matter what, lots of luck!   

I would give her time, and definitely have your boyfriend sit down and talk to her about exactly what her concerns are.  As Mindy said, perhaps she has some valid concerns or at least concerns that seem valid to her.  I agree with the "if he lives in her house..." statement, so why not find out what her rules are?  Is there anyway that you can adjust your schedules so that you could speak to him during his day? 

As an aside, I'm sort of surprised this it is the one parent living in the UK who is giving you a hard time seeing as that is where you'll be moving.  I experienced the vindictive comments and catty behavior from my mother here in the US (and I don't live at home, have been married for 4 years and we both lived in the US).

When he first told her about me, they had a talk about our plans. She knows I plan to move to the UK, but she figures I'll miss my family too much and move back. He had mentioned to her before that he would like her to meet me when I visit, but she said she will not meet me.

While I agree that him finding his own place would help matters, he's in Uni, he lives in student housing during the year and then just goes home for the holidays. We do plan to move in together next summer, so he'll be out of there then, but this is his first summer home since we met.

He does do a fair amound of sleeping during the day, but he's working on some computer programming for Uni and finds it easier to focus at night, so it's just been since he's been starting that that he's been awake most of the night. He's sleeping while his mom and step-dad are at work, and there's a babysitter watching his younger brother, so he's not missing out on family time, he wakes up when his mum comes home. He helps out around the house, with the food shopping and cleaning and everything, so I don't think he's really putting them out.

When he was able to talk to her about me that first day he told her, she just kept mentioning how even though we say I'll move over there, she knows we'll move back here. She also kept mentioning that if he moves here "your father would love that," "your father would win then." My boyfriend says that she gets like this with all things American because she equates that to his father. She is also afraid that we won't work out and there'll be the interrcontinental child-custody thing she had to go through. I know she's trying to protect him.  My boyfriend cannot mention me at all without his mother yelling or getting snippy with him (although his step-dad supports us, so she's also frustrated by that). We figure her banning of me as a topic is because she is confilcted between protecting her son and being supportive of what makes him happy. We figure she is afrad if saying too much negative in case we do work out.

I can respect and understand her feelings, I can even respect her wishes that he does not mention me, sometimes that can be easier, she would meet me eventually, and then we could work on her finally trying to accept and like me as a person, not judge me on the country I'm from. I just have a hard time with her taking away our means of communication. The international phoning is so expensive and we wouldn't be able to see each other on video. The internet really is our way of keeping in contact. Because of the time difference, she takes away the modem at the time when I'm finally able to settle in to talk for a while. My boyfriend asked for just one hour, promising to go to bed after that, and she wouldn't leave him until she had it. I just feel the modem thing is starting to bring things too far on her front. My boyfriend has worked so hard to spend time with his family duringthe day so they don't feel neglected and then focus on talking to me after they go to bed. 

I just hope that this modem thing is her being upset because my visiting him over there makes it a little more real and scary for her and that it'll blow over before too long.

Mostly it sounds to me like his mother still has big unresolved emotional issues over what happened with the father in the US ("how his father would win")...and she is acting out on those feelings in a poor way toward the two of you.  There may be other things as well as others have mentioned (worries about online romance, not helping around the house, etc) but there are certainly much more productive ways to address those concerns with a 20-something-year-old, rather than taking the modem to bed...

argh, that sucks.  But the bright side I guess is that it's only for maybe a month and half more then he goes back to uni (and freedom!)  I don't know what year he's in but if he's got more than a year left maybe he could move into a student house and stay near uni next summer?

double post

I plan to move over there next summer, so we won't have to worry about this then, we plan to move in together. His parents don't approve of meeting online, so they think we met on a flight from London to the US. We figured the rest we have told them is true, how we met is minor. Maybe the communicating online is worrying her...I really do think it's her fears of her son being hurt and her feeling's about my boyfriends' father that are what's behind all of this. My boyfriend goes above and beyond in being helpful and kind, he does more helping around the house than most guys in their early 20's would do. If he's talking to me when she asks him to do something, he immediately does it...

When his parents were married, she was the one who moved. When going through the divorce, she was alone in a foreign country with a three-year-old son. That must have been horrible for her to go through and I would bet that she's extremely worried her son may go through the same.

I know she's trying to protect her son like any mother would want to, but it seems like she's beginning to go a bit far. Maybe her fear is increasing as she becomes more worried about it not being a phase??? I do think there is a point where it goes beyond acceptable forms of protection to treating someone poorly. I don't think she realizes it, but all she's accomplishing is driving her son away while bringing my boyfriend and I closer together.

I just feel badly, I feel a bit like I'm getting between him and his family, although I know it's his mother's fears not my actions. It kills me to know that he's feeling trapped and unhappy and there is nothing I can do about it but listen when he needs it.

Maybe she's jealous you're taking her son away. Maybe she's afraid he'll move to the US and she'll never see him again. I don't think it's you, I think it's her own insecurities.

Maybe she's jealous you're taking her son away. Maybe she's afraid he'll move to the US and she'll never see him again. I don't think it's you, I think it's her own insecurities.

I agree.

Good luck with things.  It doesn't sound like she's on her most accepting behavior, but maybe if you give her time she'll come around.  It's only been a couple of months, right?  (Or was it last June that you met?)