No control

It's been a week since I have been back in the states. It feels like a lifetime! I miss my Rich so freaking much.

I'm so scared though. When I left the UK he took me and held me and said this was what he wanted to do. That he loved me so much and wanted to spend the rest of his life with me. That is the only reason I agreed to leave the country when I did. We wanted to get it done sooner, rather than later.

But like since I have been gone he has been reckless with his money, planning a weeks stay in Hungry, going to a music festival, going out all the time. It just seems like he isn't committed to this, and not helping me save money. He told me when I left that he was going to go out less and save everything he has. Which isn't the case. He is going out more,  I hardly ever talk to him and when I do it's really quick short conversations and usually the reasons he has to go is because he needs to play a video game or something stupid like that. I feel like I'm the only one in this thing. I'm researching everything. He wouldn't know what to do if it wasn't for me. He is supposed to be here Jan 11. Thats if he stops spending money and gets a plane ticket. I'm just so scared he isn't ready.

I feel as if I have no control over my own future. It's all in his hands and it just sounds so sad! The fact that my future is being controlled by my boyfriend. I don't know how to start planning my life? Should I make a life here in the states or should I wait for him? I've asked him this and he tells me he will be here in Jan., but he hasn't even told his family?? I just don't know what to do. I want to believe him, I want this to work, but I don't want to spend these next three months on a gamble! What should I do?? xx

I'd start living for myself and for today.  No, that doesn't mean breaking up w/him, but developing my own interests and covering my own a*se.  Sorry, but I've never been a person who counted all her chickens before they hatched or carried all her eggs in one basket.

So far, that's served me well. 

At any rate, it made me feel secure in relationships, b/c I knew I was relying on me to make me happy, some very wise advise my mother - who has been married happily for 42 years - gave me.  Hell, loneliness can happen even in marriages and long-term relationships.

I'd work more on developing friendships, interests, going out myself - it doesn't have to be expensive, improving my fitness - exercise is a mood lifter, etc.

I've always lived like this:  what if I died tomorrow?  Would I want to leave knowing I was miserable, living for a future that didn't turn out to happen?  Or knowing I never wasted a single hour?

Thats really good advice. When I cam back from England, I had to move to a different city than my actual hometown, so not knowing anyone here is another thing that drives me crazy. It makes it worse because I dont have anyone to hang out with to get my mind off of him.

We fight on the phone all the time. He gets pissed off so easy and I think its just because I worry so much. I dont know how to sit back and just relax. It's just really scary not knowing what your future holds. I'm so scared that he is going to fall out of love with me because I worry so much. I cry ALL the time. I just really miss him and dont want him to forget about me.

A lot of it has to do with the fact that I hardly talk to him. How often do you guys talk to your men? Once a week? Is that normal?

When David and I were apart we would talk once or twice a week, due to his job that is all we could manage to do. I really hated it, but we had to deal with it. We also sent cards and letters to each other. But we started as pen pals by post, so it made sense to continue to do this. Its always hard being apart.

As for him not telling his family. David did not tell his until we showed up on their doorstep. I had not known he didn't tell them, but he hadn't. It was an interesting evening I tell you! David was 23 at the time and wasn't sure how to tell his family he had been to the states and fell in love with an American girl. He had left it so long it got harder to tell them.   

How long were you in the UK with him? If I can ask how old is he? I only ask as you wrote he says he has to play a video game or something of the like. My cousin lives with a guy who is like this. He will not grow up and he is 28. She is about to kick him out as she can no longer take him acting 12. He doesn't know this, but will not be expecting it. She wanted to marry him but after living with him for 2 years has found there is no way she can handle this forever. She gave him the chance to change over and over and he has chosen not to. Sometimes you just have to say to them its this way or I'm gone. I hope it doens't come to that, but I find we cannot live for others, but we have to live for ourselves. We have to be true to who we are or we lose ourselves, which is not a choice we should make.

My bf and I talk once a week.  It is a work schedule thing.  But, we also email daily and I will get lovely surprise phone calls on the weekends sometimes.  Perhaps, you could try letters or emails?

I agree w/expat - you have to take responsibility for yourself and not rely on others for your happiness. My DH does make me very happy but I don't live just for him. I have my own interests that I pursue that have nothing to do with him, but we do have things we do together. I have my own friends, he has his and we have friends together. I'm going to school so that I will have a great job, but also that I know I could support myself and DD in case we ever divorced (we are happy and that is not on the horizon). He sounds like he is living for himself while you are gone, I would do the same. But if he were as serious he would be pulling his own weight and be saving money. Maturity is a key ingredient for a successful relationship and realizing that it is not all fun and games but a lot of hard work sometimes. From your post it does not sound like he is there yet - but do not take my word on that, only you know. I hope things do work out with your relationship, but it sounds like a long talk is what is needed between you.

Would you say that is really bad for the realtionship if we were to talk everyday?

Would you say that is really bad for the relationship if we were to talk everyday?

When DH and I were first apart for 5 1/2 months, we did talk every day and it got to be too much.  We scaled it back to every few days and it was much better.  More new things to talk about rather then just always sitting brooding about missing each other.  We had to learn to live and let live on our own for a while.  Yes, it was really hard, but it worked out in the end.  Some days we wish we could go back to the every few days thing   So it doesn't fall into a predictable pattern and would allow us to miss each other.

Would you say that is really bad for the realtionship if we were to talk everyday?

Of course not! All relationships are different -- I don't really think there's a right way or a wrong way to do it. You should do whatever works for you and your partner. Oh, and for the record, my boyfriend and I talk on the phone at least twice a day!  

Of course not! All relationships are different -- I don't really think there's a right way or a wrong way to do it. You should do whatever works for you and your partner. Oh, and for the record, my boyfriend and I talk on the phone at least twice a day!  

To add - my husband and I also talk several times a day, sometimes just to say hello and chat (we have been married 10 years and this is our norm).

I wouldn't say that it is bad for the relationship to talk everyday.  However, I have noticed that talking everyday can cause arguements.  Sometimes they are brought on by how much you miss one another and so forth.  Perhaps his need to play video games or do other things is because he doesn't want to fight.  Or, in typical male fashion, doesn't want to admit how much he really does miss you.

But, I agree with the others, make sure to live your life for you first.  Life is what YOU make of it.  As hard as it is, relax a little bit.  Breathe.  Remember that you love him.  More importantly, remember that you love yourself.  Perhaps, give the phone a break for a few days.  After some breathing space, give him a call and honestly tell him how you are feeling.  But, don't accuse him (people will naturally shut down).  Just say, for example:

I have been feeling (insert emotion here) because we are arguing alot.  Why do you think we arguing so much?  I want to work through this because I love you and I love what we have together.

Be calm, centered, and collected.  Don't yell, don't scream.  This would hopefully open him up enough to listen to what you need and why you are hurting.  And make a safe space to hear the same from him.

I hope this helps!  Best of luck!

Sadb

There are no set rules on anything. You do what you can when you can. Long distance relationships are hard and take a lot of effort. Mine paid off and we have been married over 11 years..man I feel old!  

If you are talking everyday and still feel so insecure, you need sort that out yourself, IMO.  I don't mean to sound harsh but how in the world would he forget you if you talk every day?  Snap out of it!    He hasn't given you any reason to be afraid he'll forget he has a gf.  And quite honestly, the more insecure you are, the less likely he is to want to talk to you. 
Get involved in your new community.  Volunteer.  Join a gym or a social club.  Take a class.  Do something, anything but sit around and mope.  You'll have more to talk about with him and it won't bother you so much when he's off with his mates.

He hasn't given you any reason to be afraid he'll forget he has a gf.  And quite honestly, the more insecure you are, the less likely he is to want to talk to you. 

ditto

We never talked on the phone ever, because I used to work at a call center and I hated it.  But we did IM every day (well not on weekends usually) for hours and sometimes it did get to be a bit much.