Just moved back to US - and regret it!

I know this topic has been touched on here before, but I didn't want to get lost at the end of 7 pages or so.  Forgive me!

I spent all summer (about four months) in Manchester with my DF.  I loved the first month, hated the middle two months, and after deciding to come to the US to try it here, spent the last month realizing how much I really liked the place.  Problem was, I had left my eight-year old daughter with her father for the summer in the states, and a big part of my homesickness was missing her, I think.  Also, I had a lot of trouble adjusting to the new culture - especially because I am from a small Midwestern town and even Chicago would have been a huge culture shock to me. 

I saw everything in the US through rose-coloured glasses when I was in the UK.  Perhaps others have felt this way also?  When I was there I whinged constantly about things like the washers and the plumbing and the food and walking home from the grocery store with a hundred bags on your arms.  I also told my DF that everything was cheaper in the states and we would have more here, even though we were poor in both places.  I missed my friends and family like never before.

We've been in the states for a month and a half now, and I take back almost everything I said.  What is it about people (well, me) that makes us think the grass is always greener on the other side?  Now I miss everything British!  The busses here are rubbish, the food and clothes and beer is way way cheaper in the UK, we're uninsured and terrified of falling ill, and I hardly ever see my friends that I missed so much (truthfully, we only got together about once a month in the first place!).  In Britain we had such an active social life, and now I miss all the friends I made there!

My DF has never wanted to live in America, but came because I wanted to, and we were worried that my daughter wouldn't adjust in Britain, because it was so hard for me to.  He doesn't hate it here but he has problems with all the things that I do, and he feels a bit disconnected because it's so big here.  My friends and family live hours away and we mainly sit at home.  It's lonely for both of us.  We are already talking about saving up to go back to Britain, but in a couple of years, after I finish my degree - we're hoping I'll be able to find work easier with that. 

Has anyone else ever felt like this?  Will I be unsatisfied forever no matter where we live, or was I just too prejudgemental on Britain?  We're weighing pros and cons now, and things like the NHS, cheaper University and more comprehensive public transportation are suddenly weighing a lot more than dishwashers and central air.  Thanks for your opinions!

I think we all go through stages, things are fine one day, not the next.  I came from the UK to live in the states, loved it, then hated it, loved it, then hated it, then decided I will never be happy as I will always miss the other, after the homesickness wore off, things finally became normal! I started enjoying life over here, the conveniences etc...  It takes along time though (well for me anyway), months, years,  things become clearer eventually!....  look for the good in where you are at the moment, thats what I do. 

After years of thinking, we are moving back for a couple of years to test the waters, see if we like it, taking our two babies so they won't notice the difference like a pre-teen!  Scared I will hate it, come back and have to start the homesickness all over again!@

Can you afford to take your daughter on vacation to England, to see if she likes it? 

I definitely had my whiny moments and complained about missing everything American...friends, family, job, etc.  The first time I came over for just a visit I completely freaked out and almost decided not to move.  But I finally had to wake up and realize that if I wanted to be with my now DH that I had to suck it up and learn to adjust to a new life in a country that's not my home.  It also helped when my things were here (including my beloved cat) and I could begin to make the place my home too.  We'll be moving every 3 years and I'm sure every time I'll be comparing it to the other places I've been and it won't stack up for a while until I readjust my attitude again.  So no, you're not alone and I can definitely sympathize.  It must be especially hard on you to have to make the decision for yourself and your daughter.  I'm sure you'll make the best choice for the two of you.

Actually, as I read this, I saw myself.  I was able to come to Britain to study and that's how I met my dh.  We became friends, and I had a great social life.  Then, I had to go back to America.  Cue the kicking and screaming.  I loved Britain and never wanted to go home.  After a while, I was fine again, and began to get things together back in America.  But, I still had my rose colored glasses on for Britain, and thought it was great, but I wasn't going back there to live.  Those were just nice memories.  Then, my dh and I became more than friends, and I came back to Britain to visit.  Nothing was how I'd painted it in my memory.  It was December, which I'd been to England during December before, but since then I'd moved to South Carolina from Iowa, so cold was just not fun any more! I whined about wanting to go back to America, I wanted the heat, my cheez-its, American Dr. Pepper and Mountain Dew, my friends that I'd just made (all my family was 1,000 miles away from SC), a greasy burger, you name it I wanted it.  Now, I'm back living in Britain with dh.  I like our life here.  We go out when we feel like it, and we do what we want.  I've learned that no where will have exactly what I want, so I go with the big things of what I want.  The biggest is being with dh, and I have that now, so I'm learning to be content.  Good luck with your own dilemma, I hope you work it out and can be content too!   

We're in the process of moving back, and don't regret it (yet). For us, the prices in the US are hard to beat when compared to London. In London, we can't buy a house for less than 300,000 pounds, and that's only a terraced house. In the US we can buy a place for much, much less. And, in London we spend 2-3 hours a day commuting, trying to run the kiddies around, and basically doing little else aside from work. In the US, my DH will have a 10 min commute and I get to stay home with the kiddies. I cannot wait!

Not sure what regions you are comparing for prices, as for me it's the opposite. Our local is 3 quid a pint, which is nearly $6. In the US, I never, ever paid that for a beer. Here we pay 8 quid for a burger and chips and any comparable place in the UK is less than the equivilant in $$. And, for me the clothes are much, much cheaper in the US...love Target and Old Navy for the childrens clothes! Most things except fresh groceries are lower (although packaged groceries are much lower so it balances out).

We did a trial run in the US for 3 months and decided to go for it.Yes, college and things are more expensive, but there are the new tax-defered savings plans for children that make it doable (anyone can contribute and take a tax savings). We have booked health insurance for us that is $170 a month for our family, and that is much, much less than DH and I paid in NI tax. And, the number of tax deductions available will lower our tax rate significantly--will be nice to put that into our savings.

A lot depends on your situation so it's hard to say. And, as we live in London in an awful NHS trust area we have different set of challenges that others might not face (commuting is long, no recycling, dirty streets etc). We're making sure that our new life in the US incorporates the things we like, such as walking to a town center, and we'll be glad to avoid the crime and grime (we've picked an area with non-smoking in place and excellent facilities).

I absolutely love the UK, and am very sad to leave, but I welcome the escape from the negatives we encounter, as they've become too much.
Good luck with your decision!

We lived in the UK together for 2.5 years, my husband is English and I'm American. We've never regretted our move here to the US, but that doesn't mean we haven't had our bouts of crazy, crazy homesickness. There are things we adore about both countries, and things we hate about both countries. We've sort of resigned ourselves to the fact that, for some things, it will always be easy to  thing about the "greener grass" in the other country, whatever that other country is.

We lived in the UK together for 2.5 years, my husband is English and I'm American. We've never regretted our move here to the US, but that doesn't mean we haven't had our bouts of crazy, crazy homesickness. There are things we adore about both countries, and things we hate about both countries. We've sort of resigned ourselves to the fact that, for some things, it will always be easy to  thing about the "greener grass" in the other country, whatever that other country is.

This is very true for us as well.  We lived in England for eight years and have been back in the US for two years.

There are pros and cons in both countries.  Depending on what day you catch me, and what is happening in my life, will influence how I'm feeling.  I don't regret returning to the US at all, despite missing England at times.

Interestingly, my husband very rarely "pines" for England.  There are things/people that he misses, but he's never emotional about it like I used to be when we lived there.

It's different for everybody because we all have different opinions on what we want from life. 

Good luck!

Interestingly, my husband very rarely "pines" for England.  There are things/people that he misses, but he's never emotional about it like I used to be when we lived there.

That is exactly how it has been for my husband as well. He's changed in that he's become a lot more concerned about English sporting events, but that is about it. I struggled more with coping issues than he did - but perhaps being a non-working stay-at-home type person I was/am more susceptible? Dunno!

Hi...

Well I guess time will tell for you, but here is my story.

In Oct 2000 I moved to Manchester to be with my new hubby. We had typical first year marital discord and I got homesick. So we moved back to the US June 2002. Now, 4 years later, after experiencing all the luxuries and conveniences the US has to offer we have decided to give up our 2400 sf house and go live in a shoebox terrace in the UK. We are going back for the high streets, the castles, the pubs, the countryside and the proximity to Europe.

I do remember the things I didn't like about the UK- such as the weather, lack of dishwasher and the slugs and the high prices on some items and the crowding in certain areas. I am worried that once I get over there I will hate it. Then, having tried out both sides of the world I will be stuck. Obviously, we have decided to take the risk, as the things that England can offer us are things that you can't buy in America at Walmart.

All I can say is, think about what is really important to you in your heart and what each country can offer you and make the decision based on those factors.

Must be a Manchester thing Us too, we just moved back to CA after being in Manchester for 2yrs, I was born and raised their, lived in CA for 14yrs then went back to what I thought was 'home'. I hated every minute of it, the weather, the expense, the NHS, the dentists, I could go on. We've been back in the US for several months now and coudn't be happier. Financially the UK was better for us but we think, some things are just worth paying for. Good Luck, it's so tough. I'm thinking it's particually tough on us women, we're far more emotional than our men, they're such simple creatures after all

I've had my regrets too, but I think it's natural to pine for what you can't have. Here's a quote that's very true: Nostalgia is like a grammar lesson: you find the present tense, but the past perfect!

As much as I was happy to be back in Massachusetts, USA, there were some moments in the beginning I actually started to miss my "adventure" the UK and the people over there. I only remember the fun times being a student, and I think I forget just how lonely and isolated I felt. To this day, I still have to stop and question whether we made the right choice, because it feels very permanent. It's the "grass is always greener" phenomenon.
 
I found that the longer you've been repatriated, the easier it gets. Now that I've been here for 4 months, I am feeling MUCH more settled and happy. I have finally had the peace of mind to figure out what I want to do with my career, rather than focusing solely on trying to survive day to day as an expat. I love having the familiarity and comfort of my family nearby. Also, I think it helps that we live on the East Coast, so the UK seems more "accessible".

We are visiting Scotland for New Years. We plan to visit at least once a year. And who knows, one day we may decide to live there again? But for now, with the exception of occasional feelings of nostalgia, we're really happy to be here.

Interestingly, my husband very rarely "pines" for England.  There are things/people that he misses, but he's never emotional about it like I used to be when we lived there.

This is true about my husband and Scotland. Although he misses his family and friends at times, he seems to be adjusting miraculously well. Much better than me in the UK. Maybe it's a man vs. woman thing? He is the one who tells me that it's better for us to be over here than over there, and I trust his judgment. He's more rational than me -- I'm driven by emotions. I really admire his courage. He is doing things he never got a chance to do in the UK: for example, he's doing an oil painting as I type this (something he never did in Scotland), and he's had more job offers here than he's ever had in his life -- and he doesn't even have his green card yet.

Anyway, I think it's natural to have regrets. Pretty much everyone has a little "buyer's remorse" about such a massive decision.

I found that the longer you've been repatriated, the easier it gets. Now that I've been here for 4 months, I am feeling MUCH more settled and happy.
 

Same experience here, Honeybee.  I was really discombobulated the first six-seven months.  After all, eight years is a long time to live some place.  I had made every effort to build a life for me, the kids and all four of us as a family.  I didn't know any Americans during my time there and every aspect of my life my British... 

So it was a shock to my system.  I think a big factor that plays into it is individual circumstances.  We're all different in how we deal with experiences, cope and where we come from. 

In my situation, I had a very bad couple of years in England.  I lost both my dad and my grandfather (who raised me), was pregnant with my second, had two car accidents (totaled) and my husband was "offered a package" to leave the company he had helped start up (in a partnership).  All of this and more happened in less than two years.

When I got back, I just shut down and went into auto pilot mode for a while.  I grieved all over again for my grandpa and dad and things didn't seem right without them there to share in coming back home, to see my children, my house, etc...

After two years back in the US, with lots of major bumps, we now are indeed very settled.  Most things that we've worked for and envisioned for our life have or are about to fall into place.

 

This is an excellent thread. My fiance and I have thought about moving to the US after a few yrs in the UK and I know he wants to and wouldn't have the problems I had moving to the UK. I have been in Leeds 14mts now and have adjusted. I am happy there - mostly b/c we have made a life there. I know it would be the same if we moved to the US. We would make a life for ourselves in the US, it just takes time and effort. I guess the question is - how much effort do you want to put forth to make the life in either place? And of course some of it is life circumstances and individual differences. It took us about 9mts to get to a point that I felt we were truly social, active, happy and adjusted. I'm not ready to do that again in the US just yet, but I could see it happening if steve got a great offer in the states. Then - there is the huge chance he would end up living thousands of miles away from any of my family anyway - so I don't see much difference living in England or the US.

I am home at the moment for my wedding in the US and have whined to my future husband about the choice available here and how much I love that. Reading this thread made me see that there are more important things to consider like schools, hospitals and healthcare, vacation time and the amount of adverts on tv!!!

Reading this thread made me see that there are more important things to consider like schools, hospitals and healthcare, vacation time and the amount of adverts on tv!!!

That is a very good point!

The lack of healthcare combined with total lack of vacation time means we've not been to visit the UK since we left 4.5 years ago. DH's job in the US didn't give him any vacation time the first year, then it was 5 days a year... then I got pg with very high cost health insurance... So at the end of the 2nd year he took his 5 days "vacation" when I had the baby (no paternity leave of course)... plus since we paid $10k for the birth (with/ including insurance premiums) we wouldn't have been able to afford it anyway... Then... after baby, he worked another year, and when it was time for his 5 days, he took another job so didn't take that vacation time. Now, a year later at the new job, he is entitled to 5 days again, but we are sick of this, so we are moving back.

Some people get a great deal on vacation and healthcare in the US. However, if your employment is primarily limited to small-ish companies, you get screwed. We didn't realize it would be like this when we moved over.

The grass is always greener works for more than just the UK and the US...


You can pine for things from all the places you've lived.

I don't think the USA is the best country in the world.  To me there is no "best".  You have to make the best out of where you are and with what you have.

As mom and dad age I am sure I'll move back one day and too will pine for things I left behind, but that is life. I tend to keep and adapt traditions in my life.  These help to maintain ties with the places I have loved and lived in.

I also know one other thing.... you actually never can go back... because the "back" people often pine for is no longer there in the same form as it was.

Culture and places change. 

Every single time I returned to the USA my "home" I experieinced more culture shock than I did leaving it.  I guess it's due to the fact that when I moved I did so aware that the places I was going to were going to be different.  I never expected to feel like an alien in my own country.

I'd say it took me 6 to7 months to get over the inital shock and a year to two to really get back into the groove of things.  Just as much time as it took me to do the same in a different land (or state even).