Advice Needed--Thanks in advance!

Hi everyone,

In 17 days, my boyfriend will be arriving from England.  Yay!  Of course, I am beyond excited.  As much as we care about each other, we have never been romantically involved.  No hugging, kissing, etc.  We were just friends at first, but, made the decision almost a year ago to be more.

The last time he saw me, I looked very different.  I was thin, athletic, and even kinda cute.  In the last few years, I was diagnosed with hypothyroidism (the one that makes you plump).    Due to that, I have become overweight.  Not drastically so.  I have about 40-50 pounds I could lose.  I work out all the time and eat well (I have always been very health concious) but can't shed the weight because of the thyroid issues.  I am regularly seeing a doctor, who is lovely, but she hasn't found the right dose of medication to stabilize me.   :\\\'(  It isn't all about the weight, either.  It is partly about just not feeling well and like my normal cheery chipper self.

Basically, he knows about the condition and knows that I am worried about it.  I sent him a full body picture (which was a terrible picture and my best friend begged me not to send it because it was one of those--wow, you should kill whoever took that picture, picture) along with other recent pictures.  He requested the full body shot because I was so worried about it (I brought it up CONSTANTLY) and wanted to see what all my fuss was about because he felt that I was overexaggerating.  He immediately emailed me back and said, "I am still attracted to you both physically and mentally. Now we can move forward."  When I spoke with him later on, he said that I was making such a big deal about it, he wanted to put an end to it so that it didn't cause future problems.  And that he thinks that I am beautiful and understands that it is a physical problem (which he told me a million times before the icky picture).

And I felt fine after that.  Until about a week ago.  Now the date of his arrival is fast approaching and I am nervous.  I am afraid that, in person, he will find me this short, fat, icky girl.  This issue is mostly with me, I know.  This thyroid thing has just devestated my self-esteem.  I did tell him this week that I am nervous about him thinking I am not cute enough.  He says everything will be fine between us.  But the nervousness is apparent on both sides.  Mine because of my thyroid/weight issue and him just because he wants everything to go really well.

I am not sure what to do to calm myself down.  If I don't, my insecurity and fear will cause things to go poorly.  Maybe if I just was able to look at myself in the mirror and say, "I am pretty.  Not perfect, but still a damn good catch!"  But, I can't seem to do that and believe it.  I know very well it is not what is on the outside that counts, it is who you are.  But I am just afraid of him being turned away by the weight.  And that is because I am turned off by my weight.  Any advice, suggestions, comments, would be most welcome!

Thanks,
Sadb

Ahhh sweetie! I feel for you!  I remember those feelings! 

First, take a deep breath.  Positive side is that there are meds that will help you & your doc is on the case.  Once those start to work (and be sure to take them - from what I understand, they can be really awkward - right?) they will help you immensley.  It's normal for you to feel anxious in this situation, and ((((HUGS)))) to you!

IMO, British men are generally more accepting of the not so perfect body than Miami, where I came from. Also, and this is a biggie, if he has issues about your weight (and he says he doesn't, so that's good) then is he really worth all the hassle?

Please don't let this issue take over the trip b/c if you go on & on, it'll be a major turn off. I know it's hard, but take it one step at a time.

Listen the man!!! He said he still finds you attractive so trust him... Are you game for challenge? I have used this in work with clients at my old job. What I want you to do for the next 21 days is get a rubber band and put in on your wrist. Give yourself a ping everytime you have negative self talk (ie: i am fat, icky etc) and replace with something positive. The idea is that if we tell ourselves something negative enough we start to believe so you need to change the script. record in your head.

The next thing is to make a gratitude list.... Write down 3 -5 postive things about ourselves. (ie: I am eating healthy, I am pretty...etc) every morning and every night say these things out aloud to yourself (you can do it in the shower etc so he doesn't hear you ) Also at the end of the I want you write down 3-5 positive things you have done or thought about yourself during the day.

Will you give this a go?

Ahhh sweetie! I feel for you!  I remember those feelings! 

First, take a deep breath.  Positive side is that there are meds that will help you & your doc is on the case.  Once those start to work (and be sure to take them - from what I understand, they can be really awkward - right?) they will help you immensley.  It's normal for you to feel anxious in this situation, and ((((HUGS)))) to you!

IMO, British men are generally more accepting of the not so perfect body than Miami, where I came from. Also, and this is a biggie, if he has issues about your weight (and he says he doesn't, so that's good) then is he really worth all the hassle?

Please don't let this issue take over the trip b/c if you go on & on, it'll be a major turn off. I know it's hard, but take it one step at a time.

Thanks so much for your response, Sparklyfairy (love your name, by the way.  Fairies are great!)!

He says he doesn't have an issue with the weight at all.  I know that I have the issue.  Before the thyroid thing, I was thin (size 6-8) but still rather curvy (that whole small waist, curvy hips, endowed thing), which was great, but I still wasn't the media "ideal" and didn't want to be.

I agree, if he did have issues with the weight, he would be kicked to the curb.  I think that my issue is not wanting him to be disapointed.  That is probably a bit of projection on my part because I am very disapointed in my weight at the moment.  The meds are awkward.  They can cause mood swings and exhaustion.  Mostly, it is when the doc changes the dose.  That will cause about a week of insomnia and no appetite.  I think if I felt normal, this would be easier, but, I don't feel normal.  I feel tired.

And I shouldn't go on and on when he is here.  It will just make things more difficult, you are right.  Big hugs back for being so supportive!

Listen the man!!! He said he still finds you attractive so trust him... Are you game for challenge? I have used this in work with clients at my old job. What I want you to do for the next 21 days is get a rubber band and put in on your wrist. Give yourself a ping everytime you have negative self talk (ie: i am fat, icky etc) and replace with something positive. The idea is that if we tell ourselves something negative enough we start to believe so you need to change the script. record in your head.

The next thing is to make a gratitude list.... Write down 3 -5 postive things about ourselves. (ie: I am eating healthy, I am pretty...etc) every morning and every night say these things out aloud to yourself (you can do it in the shower etc so he doesn't hear you ) Also at the end of the I want you write down 3-5 positive things you have done or thought about yourself during the day.

Will you give this a go?

BelfastGirl, what great advice!  I will have a sore wrist, that is for sure!      But, yes, I will try all of your advice!  What a great way to get my self esteem back on track!

But, how do I deal with all the nervousness?  That is driving me nuts too!

Just don't cut off your circulation!!! lol For nervousness. Have ever practicised breathing techniques? I can help you some if you want or your can search the them on google. Another easy method is using Bach Flower Remedies (ie: rescue remedy). You can get them at Boots. Or even better is to a health food / holistic therapy shop. There you can probably get them made a up for your symptoms (ie: low self esteem, confidence, worrying etc). Then just take the drops as prescribed or when ever you are feeling anxious..

Oh!  I have heard of those!  Unfortunately, I am in Boston so no Boots here!  Which is too bad, as I loved that store when I lived in Ireland!  Perhaps the local earthy crunchy store I go to all the time has something similar.  I will have to go check!

I am an avid yoga practictioner (yogi?) so maybe my instructor will have some ideas.  I will Google them to see what else I can find.

Any other suggestions/advice is still most welcome.  Just the support is making me feel sooo much better!

Relax! He has already seen the pic you sent and he told you it did not make any difference in how he saw you and how he felt. This may be more about just how you feel about your body instead of how he will. He sounds like a very sincere, caring person. My husband is like that, I have gained about 50 lbs since I had my daughter, five years ago at that, and still have not lost the weight, but he still looks at me the same way he used to when we were first married and when I had a great figure. Take what he says at face value, trust that he means it and let go of the negativity. I hope you both have a great time!

I would agree with the others, and also like to add that this won't be the first time in your life together that you or he will not be physically 'perfect.'  You will likely be nine-months pregnant some day (maybe more than once!), or fighting post-baby pounds, or one of you might be ill or injured and not the person you used to be, and finally, one day you will grow old together and be in various states of 'dis-repair!' 

So this is a good time to realise that you have a wonderful man who loves you for YOU, and nothing else.

Would you dump HIM if he gained weight?  Of course not!  WOuld you feel any differently about him?   Of course not!   He loves you for you, and it doesn't get any better than that!     You're a very lucky lady. 

Don't even give any of this another thought, or you might let it get in the way of how you present yourself.  Be the confident person you are, let the skinny person's outgoing personality shine through, and also remember that studies show that guys actually like us a good 20 pounds heavier than our ideal weight. 

Have a great visit together!

Every guy I know says they don't find the model thin girls sexy. They'd much rather have a woman with a bit of meat on their bones.
He's seen your picture,so you know how finds you attractive! Enjoy your time with your man when hes there!

Thanks, everyone!  You guys have truly put things in perspective.

I decided that I needed to do something to make me feel pretty.  So, I called up my salon and got a lovely haircut and so beautiful lowlights (with some red for sassyness).  That made me feel so much better and a bit fresher.  When I got home, I exfoliated and then did a mask.  My hair is shining and my skin is glowing!

I have also been using all of Belfastgirl's ideas.  Unfortunately, I have a rather sore wrist (they first day was tough) from snapping myself with the rubberband so much.  But, I am doing better.  And I found those flower drops.  Haven't tried them yet but intend to.

I am an extremely lucky lady.  He is a very good man with a heart of gold!  I feel blessed to have him in my life.  He is very supportive when I feel down about the thyroid issue.  He seems to know it is hard on me and always tells me that the thyroid doesn't affect my glowing smile, happy eyes, and warm personality.  I guess woman are just naturally hard on themselves, thyroid problem or no.

Thanks again!  I will let you all know how it goes!  16 days!  I am so excited!   

Just an update.  Things have been awesome since DB arrived. He is a truly wonderful man and we are enjoying our time together.  Thanks again for all the lovely advice!

glad that things worked out just as they should.  i had a horrilble time when i was first found out i had hypothryoid... give me a PM or shout if ou want to vent about your thyroid...

Just an update.  Things have been awesome since DB arrived. He is a truly wonderful man and we are enjoying our time together.  Thanks again for all the lovely advice!

Glad things are going good for you both! 

I understand exactly what you feel! I've had lots of long-distance relationships, and I have hypothyroidism, too. I wasn't diagnosed with it until I got very overweight, and the correct dosage won't make you lose weight. What it will do is enable you to finally be able to lose weight if you cut down the calories and exercise, which is what I did and lost 170 pounds! Anyway, I know a lot about feeling self concious after all of that. And it didn't go away even when I got skinny. I had to learn to have a bit more confidence and even when I didn't feel it, to fake it. When I was looking my best and it was still so new to me to actually go out and get attention from men, a man that I ended up dating briefly came up to me and started flirting. He gave me all these compliments on my looks, and I don't remember what I said, but I bascially made excuses for all of it like he didn't know what he was talking about it or it was some rare chance that I happened to look decent. And he said, "The proper response is 'thank you.'" I never forgot that; I realized he was right. Now even if I feel like I'm not looking so good and someone pays me a compliment, I just fight the urge to make negative comments about myself, then I smile and say "thank you." It really works well, makes me feel better and doesn't make the other person think I'm an insecure chick (insecurity itself is what others find unattractive).

And you're right, if you act as though you're not good enough and just can't believe he would want you, it could spoil things. So ease up on yourself and see where things can go. You two have been apart a long time, and the romance thing "in person" is new, so if you're willing to give things a little time to get to know each other all over in person (romance in person is always a little different than the long-distance variety), and you're not negative about yourself, you may be in for something wonderful.