I needa vent...

So after planning since like I got to England last May Adam has finally come to me and said he's "not sure if he can come". He's JUST now telling me this! 4 MONTHS before he's actually supposed to be here. After I've told everyone, after we've made plans to go to our friends wedding, after my family and friends are so excited to see him. He tells me today and says "I didn't want to tell you because I didn't want to make you upset"...WELL YES IM UPSET!...

The thing is he has no money. This I understand...but he's had almost a year to save and hasn't done so. He brought up the fact that when I came I only had to save for spending money not spending money and ticket money. I told him he didn't have to save for spending money because I get 3 paychecks that month. He said he wanted to bring his own money...which is understandable I'd feel bad taking peoples money too but I'm his g/f! I dun care!

My mom made the BRILLIANT idea to tell him I'll pay for the ticket so I'm going to go look up prices and see how much they are. I really cannot bear any more time apart it's too hard. He couldn't make it after Brit died and I just really need him here...

I doubt he'll go for the payin for his ticket thing. He's such a guy when it comes to these things but god...i'd rather pay for it and see him then let him pay for it and have to go an extra few months. I REALLY need him right now...blah

Thanks for "listening" 

That's horrible reeeeka.  If it's a choice between being a "man" and getting to see the person you love most in the world for a couple of weeks once each year, I don't think it should be a hard one.  I'll be completely honest with you, if I were in your shoes, I would not put up with it.  If he has the means to take care of you and be "manly" I might accept his generosity, but when his outdated (IMO) notions of gender roles start to ruin the relationship I'd tell him to cut it out and stop playing around.  If I were at a point where I didn't have a definite end date to my LDR, these short and widely spaced visits would be very important.   

I hope you can work it out and get him over in May.

Oh dear. Did you ask him WHY he didn't save up? Has he saved anything?  I would be pretty peeved off if it was me.  When I was in LDR with my husband our rule was that we paid for our own airfares but whoever was the host paid for most of the outings and expenses during the stay.  I did buy his ticket once but only because I had vouchers from an airline for compensation for something else, which covered the whole ticket.

Hope you can get something sorted, it must be very disappointing to be looking forward to this for so long and then find out it may not happen after all.  I do think you should spend some time discussing finances with him though ... make sure you are of like minds.

I agree with Carrie, I wouldn't put up with it!  And Britwife makes a very good point--what the hell has he been doing with his money that he couldn't have saved?  Doesn't he live at home?  I don't know, Erika, but he doesn't seem to be trying very hard and you deserve someone who works like crazy so he can be with you.  Good luck and keep us posted!

Ooh, I'd be mad as well.  Even if he hasn't been saving (why not?!), he still has four months!  Surely he can save enough for a ticket in four months if he really focuses on it!

Don't offer to pay for his ticket -- he's had enough time to save and if he wants to see you, he'll find a way to get there.  If you buy his ticket now, odds are you won't have the money to buy your own ticket the next time you want to go see him.

Silly boys!   

Dh said he'd come for Thanksgiving the year that we were apart.   He didn't end up making it because he had not planned well enough and finished his thesis by then.  We'd talked about it beforehand, so he knew when it was, and obviously he had a clear idea because he looked at travelling a little bit in America before seeing me for only Thanksgiving.  I was so mad, because we'd arranged for him to travel with me from where I was living to my family.  I was so angry I nearly cancelled my ticket to England for that Christmas.  Needless to say, he knew he was in the wrong and how angry, hurt, and disappointed I was.  He ended up doing so much all on his own to make-up for that fiasco. 
Dh while having a really good heart, that is often in the right place can also be a complete dumba$$ when it comes to some things.  It's all in what you are willing to deal with and what you just can't.  Oh yes, and my point in all this...    you might need to have a serious conversation with him about what you need right now, in general and what you might need in the future to ensure that he knows, and that he can do that.  If he can't, then the decision is yours what to do about it.  Good luck!  *hugs*

I doubt he'll go for the payin for his ticket thing. He's such a guy when it comes to these things but god...i'd rather pay for it and see him then let him pay for it and have to go an extra few months. I REALLY need him right now...blah
Thanks for "listening" 

Right so if he was really 'such a guy' about this he'd have been a bit more responsible and started to save up!

I remember when your counter said over a year for him to come visit!!!!  He needs to suck it up, let you pay for the ticket (if you can) and move on.  Pride is not a consideration in overseas relationships.  I paid for my DH before but as we were planning a future together (which i believe you are based on past posts) then he needs to understand that you need this emotionally. 

Pride is not a consideration in overseas relationships.  I paid for my DH before but as we were planning a future together (which i believe you are based on past posts) then he needs to understand that you need this emotionally. 

I paid hubby's way to the US because neither of us could stand the LDR anymore.  NO pride factored in at all.  Reeka, you've been through so much, tell him he needs to get his butt in gear and get it sorted to be there.  You two have been together for so long i don't know how you've done it.  Hugs sweetie, hope it works out!

Thank you guys. I really appreciate it.

I offered the pay the ticket then realized I couldn't really afford it. The tickets I found were close to $1000.00 and I couldn't have that in bulk before I have to pay for the ticket. I could have it saved BY may but I wouldn't be able to get him a ticket that close I don't think plus it would be more seeing as it's closer to the time.

I'm talking to him now and he says "i-cant-afford-it" and he's getting mad because I'm accusing him of not wanting to come. He said "but hey ill go in debt aslong as ur happy". I don't want him to do that. He did it last may and didn't get paid for work because of the time he was off that wasn't included in the paid time off. He didn't get an actual paycheck until 4 months after I left. He doesn't get paid very much which is why we only really see one another once a year but god he's had a year to save...wtf didn't he? I asked him and he blames it on that 4 months of not having a real paycheck. He actually just told me he had to borrow money from his parents to pay his bills after I left.

I kinda feel like a b*tch now...i didn't know all this until now. blah

Reeeeka, don't feel like you're being a b*tch about this at all--I'd be upset too!  (A friend of mine just had a major gaffe with money and I feel like slapping him with a big rotten fish right now...)

This will be an important lesson for both of you I think in boundaries and priorities within a relationship.  So many people I know are very fly-by-night when it comes to money and live for the moment instead of living for longer-term goals and working towards them.  In my opinion, how a person handles money and treats money can tell you a lot about how they respect other things in life, such as fostering relationships.  I would hate it if it became routine for you to pay for tickets to visit--in the end, you may be out money you'll never see again but worse, you may feel your good nature has been taken advantage of.

I'm not so sure I'd pay for his ticket, either.  He has to learn that the consequences of him not saving up for this trip could deny him the happy chance to spend time with you, and for me, that chance would be a pretty darn strong motivator to save up.  It's not really that hard...for example, by just banking my spare change and limiting the number of drinks I have on the weekends when I go out, I can find 40 or 50 dollars in a month.  Multiply that times a few months, and...you get the idea!  And my friends cannot wrap their heads around that!!

we paid for our own airfares but whoever was the host paid for most of the outings and expenses during the stay.

This is an excellent plan and is something my friend and I always do.  We will also alternate paying for meals, and if I'm hosting, always pay for the last meal we have together, which we try to make special.

In any case, I wish you the best, hope something works out!!

Aww Ericka that really sucks. I hope you two are able to figure out something between now and May. If he waits until summer months airfare will most likely go up even more.. 

Not sure where you are searching airfare but if you haven't already try www.expedia.co.uk My b/f found if you do the flight/hotel combination and then book a hotel for just one night of the trip it can save lots of money! It's worth a try. Good luck to you.

Did he (or both of you) sit down and look at his finances before you agreed that he would be coming to the US last year?  I guess what I'm wondering is, was it ever financially feasible given his current living and working situation? 

If I remember correctly, the end date of your LDR is heavily dependent on his ability to pay off his debt and save money.  Is that right?  Obviously, I don't know all parts of your story, but from what I have read it sounds like it might benefit him or both of you to seek some kind of basic financial guidance.  Just help on figuring out how much you really spend each month, where you could save money, how to draw up a budget, where to put your savings, how to best pay off debt - that kind of thing.  I seem to remember seeing inexpensive (free-$20) adult education courses like that at the high schools in the US, but I have no idea where you'd find it in the UK.  At the very least, it might make it easier for the two of you to talk about money (a topic that is bound to resurface at regular intervals throughout your relationship).   

Good luck with everything.  This must be hard on both of you.

I'm pretty much giving up on it....If he wants to come see me he can do what he wants to do. I'm not asking about it or saying anything about it anymore. The thought of not knowing when i'll next see him breaks my heart and seriously makes me wonder if we'll ever be together. I don't want to push and obviously he doesn't have the money and I can't argue that. I don't want him going into debt to spend time with me. I couldn't ask that of him and feel horrible for knowing that he did for last may without telling me.

Reeeka, you shouldn't be made to feel like that! It sounds to me like he has money management issues and it is all to the good that he will have to sort them out if he wants to be with you. I know you miss him, so I hope he can get it together. 

I hope he can also...I cry whenever I think about not knowing when we'll next see one another.