bullies and my yankee offspring ....

So I have to share this...(if for no other reason I need to see/hear another parent tell me I really did the right thing here....)

Okay so getting to the point....

Last night was Ian's parent/teacher conference, something my son has spent over a week trying to convince me NOT to attend. So like any smart parent    , I made extra sure to be there early. The school is really close by, so as Ian and I set out to school, we saw two other school boys walking in the same direction. Now my son whispers to me that these are two of the boys who give him grief about being an American (they made him miserable last year.) I whisper back 'Just ignore them. I'm here with you so they won't do anything.'  
I Was So Wrong !!!  
These little thugs start yelling at Ian, from across the street, 'Hey American Boy, nice fat juicy American Boy.' (now this could be funny since Ian is one of the skinniest kids I know except my son's not laughing. ) Before I can speak, Ian shouts back, 'You'd better leave me alone, I'm with my Mom' (not terribly intimidating, but he's only 8   ) Then the kids start shouting at me. 'Fat Juicy American Boy and his Fat Juicy American Mum'... over and over and over again all the way to the school and across the school grounds.  
Now let's face it, I don't embarrass easily,but these kids were LOUD, they were behind us and yelling to be heard across the street. Honestly I was tempted to walk across the street and belt these kids, but there were other parents all around and they were SHOCKED.
Since none of them came forward to stop these kids, I can only assume these children weren't their's. Ironically though, normally quiet and standoffish, the other parents were more conversational and nicer than they've ever been before after witnessing it.
I turned on the boys and let them know I would personally see that they would regret this night, and went on into the school.
So last night and today, has been a series of meetings and calls with the Headmaster and his teacher. The boys parents are being called down to the school and I am to hear more this afternoon.
I know in my heart I can't hit another child, but never have I wanted to get in a school yard brawl with 2 9yr olds like I did last night. Even this morning I'm still so mad I want to go down to Ian's school at recess and seriously smack these kids  . I'm short, really short... maybe if I put my hair in ponytails, no one would notice me  

I know for a fact that he's gets just as much positive attention for being 'the cute boy from California' as he's getting  the negative, but WOW...never in my days did I know school bullies bold enough to go after the parents of their targets.
Somebody just remind me I need to be a mature, responsible, adult here before my temper takes over and I wipe the schoolyard with these two little thugs. They're really ugly all ready so it's not like a broken nose is going to ruin their looks or anything  
Sorry for the rant here guys, but like anyone I don't take any abuse to my kids well.
Thanks for letting me vent.
One seriously angry mother bear.... aka Red

I'm with you, Red.  I listen very carefully to what my 8-year-old son tells me about school and note the names that come up more often than others...however, it doesn't seem anyone is giving him any more grief (yet) than they give the other boys.  And some of the older ones think he's "wicked" simply because he's American.

But it is a fine line, isn't it?  I mean, if their parents let them act like that at 9, then what kind of adults will they become?  And you hate to seem like you're overprotective - especially when they do have something that so sets them apart already.  Phil and I were talking last night about how you just want to protect your kids from any kind of pain and hurt, but that it's just not possible.  Or practical.

Rest assured you are not alone OR wrong in your feelings!!  You're not the only mother bear out there!

<sigh>.... I hear you.

The Headmaster has admitted he has a group of about 5 boys that he has ALOT of problems with and of course these are the kids that have been giving Ian grief.
He was getting punched pretty bad last year, so I did two things, 1) taught him how to hit back...hard and 2) went to see the Headmaster. I wasn't crazy about #2, but Ian came home one day upset because the bullies were discussing how they liked to kill Americans to upset him. Needless to say it worked and he asked  me to talk to the Headmaster for him.  That was really difficult for me, since normally the Headmaster/Principal is the one calling me NOT the other way around.  
Ian's a good kid but he's mischeivous as anything so we've had our share of calls.
I've never been overprotective of Ian before, usually I feel it's better to teach him how to deal with it himself, but honestly, Peedal, these kids were walking behind us screaming names and insults for the length of an entire block and then across the schoolyard on Parent/Teacher night.  

I mean I can't imagine now what he's getting at school when I'm not there if this is what they'll do when I'm at his side. Ian doesn't like to tell me these things...he's a big kid, you know. I got bullied too when I was kid, my mom taught at my school, so I learned how to defend myself real quick, telling only made it worse, but it was never anything like what I saw last night.  Granted I went to catholic school but still.....

You expect the occasional scuffle, name calling, school yard jabs and such, but when you have ever heard of following the kid and the parent and yelling at them both ? These little thugs were fearless and I'm seriously wondering what is happening at school now for Ian.

Way to go Crystal, you couldn't have handled it any better, especially teaching him how to hit back. But what a horrible thing to have to experience, for Ian, and for you. Geez.

I have not yet had to go through any of this, as kids at 5 aren't yet so nasty as they seem to get when they're older. But I am prepared for it to happen at some point. It seems to me that bullying is much more a problem here than it is where I'm from, I never had problems previously of the bullying kind with my older children back home. These bullies are the product of bad parenting, and will grow up into the yobs of and hooligans the future. It seems that they don't do much to curb the behavior of these kids here, as it would infringe on their "rights". These are the same kids that are running around at midnight causing trouble. We have some of those types a few streets away. I hope that's different in your case and that they can do something to sort it out, I really do. Please keep us posted.

((((hugs))))

Wow Red you're good...controlling yourself like that.
I know it's hard. I've gone through similar things with my sons. I hate to admit it but I *did* threaten a 9 year old once. My son was only 5 and the 9 year old punched him in the face. And of course this was one of those kids who was always causing problems and whose mother didn't seem to care. So I cornered the little so and so, got right in his face, and said something along the lines of "If you ever touch my son again or so much as look like you're going to touch him you'll have ME to deal with and I'm a whole lot bigger and a whole lot meaner."   Ok it wasn't my finest moment and probably wasn't the right thing to do but I had absolutely had it...I was fed up.
I can't even imagine the little jerks you're dealing with doing it right there in front of you and everyone else around. Too bad you don't know some kids that are just a little older and a little meaner who could teach them a lesson...lol.
I hope everything works out for you with all the meetings and everything and that it's all taken care of that way. Good luck.  

Wow Red you're good...controlling yourself like that.

Actually I'm really not... there were just too many witnesses.
I'd have given anything to grab those two last night, but when there's 20 or so other parents on the school ground, you'd figure at least one of them had to claim ownership over these two.

Well everybody got hauled into the Headmasters office today. Ian said they got yanked out of class pretty early in the morning and then again after lunch, so here's hoping those little twirps won't sit down for a week  

Leah,
I totally have to agree with you on the bullying being much worse out here than it was where we lived in the States. The schools Ian attended prior to the move had a zero tolerance policy for this sort of thing. It wasn't 'well you know kids...'. Yeah I do know kids as a matter of fact, and they can be mean little buggers, which is why the schools he went to previously took it so seriously.
Bullies and Lice....apparently the English Department of Education needs to address it's 'pest control' policies a little more closely.  

Red

OMG Fiesty!  Poor you.  But you did the right thing.  Make a fuss, make a really big fuss and don't stop making a fuss until you are sure the school has dealt with it.  Make Ian SWEAR to tell you everytime these kids do ANYthing.  And go in everytime.  Make sure this is all down in writing. You will be known as the mother from hell, but at least your child will be ok.  Hang in there.  

Over a year ago, I had a problem with my son's then-current school psychologist and teacher over a completely different issue.  They had their point-of-view and my husband and I and a team of specialists at Children's Hospital (this included a psychologist with a doctorate degree) shared a different point-of -view.  By the way, the school psychologist had never even met my son.  
After a gruesome meeting with the school team, we moved Alex to our neighboorhood school.  But first we made sure to inform the team at Children's Hospital about the opposing remarks of the school team.  The psychologist at Children's Hospital wrote a second report restating his diagnosis and credentials and sent it to Alex's school.  The school psychologist simply said that Children's Hospital could not tell them (the school) what to do.  
Nonetheless, YOU as a parent have every right and responsibility to advocate for your child.  You know what is best and YOU should be heard.  (The school psychologist did almost laugh in my face about what I had to say when I met with him.)  
I went ahead and wrote a letter to parents about what had happened and used the student directory for the addresses.  I also sent the same letter to the Director of Instruction for our school district.  I didn't go as far as attending the Parent Teacher Organization meetings because we transfered Alex to a new school in the same district and made it very clear to them that neither I nor my son would have anything to do with the fore mentioned school psychologist.  
I have no idea what effect, if any, the letters had but atleast the new teachers don't laugh in my face or try to intimidate me. And it feels great that you tell the school something and they obey... (not wanting to ever see the old school psychologist)  

Anyways, Crystal, I just wanted to let you know that I totally agree with what you are doing and I hope everything goes well.

LOL~Gina

It's like those two boys who were expelled from school for making over 40 threats to a P.E. teacher, and then allowed back to school!  And their parents could only say incredibly stupid and ignorant things like "they're only boys," and "it was just a mistake, a prank."

I spent two years almost full time as a court reporter in juvenile court in Collier County, Florida.  Let me tell you, that kind of attitude gets you a kid with a felony record by the time he's 16, and not much hope for a future after that... :-/

Red, you do need to keep a firm handle on the situation.  Even at the risk of "embarrassing" Ian.  Because in the long run, he can only benefit if he knows that you're willing to go the distance for him and you show him very clearly what's not acceptable behaviour, as he gets older he's more likely to continue to confide in you and to do the right thing himself.

Still, no matter how much trouble raising boys can be, I would NEVER want to be raising a girl in today's world...

Well the possible hunt for a new school may have to start here sometime soon.

Ian came home Friday to tell me, one of the boys who 'followed us' on Wednesday night, sucker punched him in the throat at recess. Apparently the kid got hauled into the Headmasters office right away, but only lost his lunch playtime and his parents got 'another' call.

I'm missing the good ole US policies of 'zero tolerance' for this sort of behavior. That would have gotten you suspended for at least a day back in Cali.   He was also called the 'dumb american' and told to go back home during his lunch recess again  .

Which of course is exactly what Ian wants to do now. The new friends, and the lure of dinosaur museums is no longer enough for the little guy. He's taking it hard, it's showing in his school work and his behavior at home. The school seems to stand by the 'well we don't condone this, but it happens to all kids who are new or different...it's part of growing up' speech and I don't know if I can hear much more of this without seriously turning into 'Serial Mom'  

Anyways, we're starting a diary next week, and we're documenting everything that happens over the next month, incidents and the schools responses to them. We'll see if my stalking the Headmaster gets anything done, but I'm not real hopeful right now. It's too bad, since Ian's got a really good teacher and it seems to be a good program, but it doesn't do him a damn bit of good if he's being knocked around daily for being a Yank and the school can't/won't/isn't stopping it.

I'll keep you posted...unless a picture of some crazed redhead beating the crap out of two 9 yr old thugs appears in your papers....then you'll still know what happened, I just won't have access to the internet after that I would assume  
Red

I'm so sorry Crystal. I really feel for you both right now. I don't if this will help, but I remembered seeing something about bullying and combating it on the bbc website, it's here:

http://www.bbc.co.uk/schools/bullying/

I didn't have time to look through it and see if there was anything useful there, I have to go pick up my kid in a sec. But I hope there's something there that's useful for both of you.

Jeez, Crystal.  

Ask to see the school bullying policy.  Go over it line by line with the head.  Ask to see a school govenor. And DO NOT accept the 'this happens' line.  They've already admitted these children are a problem.  Whether your son is new or not, it is unacceptable for this to be allowed to go on.  This has got to be stopped now.  You are going to have to  fight tooth and nail on this.  Hang in there.  

gosh crystal....i cant believe the school reactions to all this.  as a parent of three american kids (7.8 & 10) i kinda worried that i would have to deal with situations like this.  but knock on wood ...so far no problems.  i think my oldest has had a few name calling but nothing that she hasnt been able to handle herself.  i think all 3 kids know that they should go to a grown up straight away when they think the situation is out of control.   this is the second school the kids have been in since living here and both school have a "No Bullying - No tolerance" policy.  good luck crystal...and please keep us posted.  btw...u have so much self control..i think i would have had those boys by the arms and looking for their parents, lol.  

Thanks Guys...

Leah the BBC site is really impressive. Still reading through the stuff now.

This whole event has been surreal. Ian got a lot grief when he started last year (he attended the last month of school as we arrived in June). He tried ignoring it, then he tried telling teachers, then he just punched one of the lead bullies in the mouth last July (after careful boxing lessons from Mom... I was so proud   )and that particular group had left him alone after that.

Apparently when he went back to school this year, all bets were off. These are two different kids bothering him now, though they're part of the same gang.
Ian had been told if things got bad to go to tell someone, but since these kids, usually go after him when teachers aren't around, it's his word against theirs. The standard reply from teachers or yard monitors, 'Well stay away from each other.'
This has only made the bullies bolder. I was really happy with the Headmaster the first time we met concerning this (there's been 3 meetings to date) but as the same song and dance is happening over and over again, I'm less than amused.
I expected some 'new kid issues', but I never expected this.

Tim and I are starting to rethink alot of things regarding the general problems with schools, Ari's health and some of the family problems we are dealing with regarding his ex. We may be planning a trip back to California alot sooner than we expected. We've been having so many problems since moving here (not between him and I, but in general) that the standing joke in our house right now everytime something new happens is 'Honey is just me or is somebody up there trying to tell us something'  
<sigh> ....

and Pam, honestly...there was very little control involved (I'm not that well behaved I swear), there were just so many parents around I felt sure one of them had to claim ownership to these brats...but no one did and no one interceded either.  

Again ....Thanks Guys
Crys

I was watching the This Morning program this morning and they were discussing bullying in school.  I remembered your situation and thought you might be interested in what they had to say.  

I hope the situation has improved for you son.  
Best of luck
expat  
http://www.thismorning.co.uk/navigation/tm_frameset.htm