I am the spouse of an academic and a wanna-be academic (PhD student) myself. Boy do I have a lot to vent!!!
First off, I am tired of moving every 2 years. My husband is on his second postdoc. It ends this summer. We have no idea where in the world we will live come August. We have gone through this twice before already, and god knows how many times we will have to again until we get permanent jobs somewhere. I am tired of investing time in meeting new people, only to leave them as soon as we start to be friends. I'm tired of moving, of having belongings spread in 3 countries, of not knowing what will come. I want to settle!
Next, there is the huge fear that we will never be able to get permanent jobs in the same place. My image of married academia came from the professor couples at the tiny liberal arts college where I was an undergrad. They both worked at the same university, lived close by, and it was part of their everyday lives in so many ways-- they were the backbone of the sense of community that I loved. They also alternated their classes schedules and sabbaticals to minimize the need for outside childcare. It seemed ideal to me. I still hold out hope, slim as I know it is, that someday we will have that lifestyle-- otherwise I would quit my PhD right now. But of the academic couples we know, very few have managed to get jobs at the same university, and most do outrageous weekly commutes to maintain "weekend marriages." It is absolutely frightening to me.
Third, there are all of the delays, all of the things that have been put on hold for our extremely long educations. How is it possible to finish writing up, publish, get a job, buy a house, and have kids all at the same time??? All of these things need to happen between the ages of 30 and 35! We often mourn the pension and house equity that we have lost by delaying a permanent job and home. Meanwhile, I worry that my eggs are aging, and my husband works every night to hopefully publish enough to get this permanent job I keep mentioning, which is the key to all of the other items on my wish list. But even if he gets a permanent job in this round of applications (which is looking less and less promising as the RAE panic worsens), it is highly unlikely that it will be permanent for us, because I will go on the job market next year (hopefully) and throw a new wrench/spanner in the works-- see vent #2 above.
So basically, I live a life of constant fear and anxiety!
Then, there's my mother... No one in either of our families particularly understands the need for careers in academia, although they generally respect the idea. Except my mother, who can not at all understand how our careers are more important than choosing where we live. She is constantly suggesting that we teach high school and move in across the street from her! And she combs the local newspaper for job ads that seem related to my husband's field (experimental psychology)-- of course they are never remotely relevant. It get's a bit annoying.
And finally, there is the academic personality-- not always the easiest to live with. I am not a typical academic; ie I notice my surroundings and am more preoccupied with the grocery list than my work-- maybe it is a female thing. My husband, a true academic, could live in a small box, so long as it contained his computer. He's a little absorbed in his work. Still, this is part of his personality, which I mostly love, and the little inconveniences and misunderstandings that result from his academicness are really the least of my problems (see above)!
Ahh, that's better... Sorry for the "little" vent-- it did help though. For now. Thanks for listening.
