Having a successful LDR

In the beginning of our relationship, my BF and I would treat our time together as a sort of special holiday, rather than as real life. It was lovely, but it wasn't real. Three years on, now we just do normal things - sitting around watching TV, cooking together, etc. It gives you a much better idea of what things will be like when you're together full-time.

(I know it's not always easy to do that because whoever is visiting the other one is going to want to do sightseeing, etc., but try and make some time for normal everyday life.)

That is so very true.  When my now former BF wanted to come visit, he'd want to make a huge holiday of it, which was fine for a while and we went to some neat places.  But I began to get the feeling that he wanted to just visit for the chances to take these trips and then some...um, well, you know, "fun" too?    What I'm saying is that I don't think he took the relationship seriously, whereas I'd moved on to the point that I was happy to just spend time with him and his family doing the normal, everyday routine when I'd hop the pond.

Time spent with one another, just being, just doing, is such a treasure.  He hadn't matured to that point yet in his understanding of relationships.

I think spending as much time as you can together really helps.  LDR are great because you tend to really appreciate the time you get to spend together.  It's very hard during the times that you are apart.  Rich and I saw each other at least every six weeks and talked on the phone everyday. 

If possible spending a few months together is great, because you are actually seeing the day to day and not just the few days you jam pack full of all sorts of activities.  Of course then that is not much of a LDR if you are spending the few months together, but that is what I did and it helped us see that we wanted to be together for the long haul.

Our personalities required us to communicate constantly. We talked twice a day, usually first thing in the morning for a few min then for an hour or more at night. We texted back and forth and emailed throughout the day - continuous communication.

And you know what? We are STILL like that! Dh was just made redundant and we spend almost all day together, but we know when to give each other space. We love spending time together, talking and being in touch. We don't do well without it.

We visited often, we were completely honest, we had a plan for us to be togehter - so we had a goal to look forward to and a countdown, so within only a couple of months of meeting, we knew we'd be together in the same country.

It definitely takes committment on both sides, but patience is something we both never had, so it can still work when you're not patient.  Have a support system of friends and family at home, at least a couple ppl that can let you whinge and moan. I had several sympathetic friends and a sister that had LDRs and could relate. Also, realize your pain will be over one day when you're finally together. We're together 2.5yrs and married 6mts, couldn't be happier!

Everyone has given such good advice.  I can see why your relationships have been successful.  It gives me hope! 

Everyone has given such good advice.  I can see why your relationships have been successful.  It gives me hope! 

If you don't mind me asking..how long have you and your partner been together and how often do you see each other?

My LDR isn't very L at all (within the UK), but we're still about 6 hours' drive apart. My advice would be that when you do have the chance to spend some time together - whether it's for a weekend, a week or longer - try and make it as normal as possible. In the beginning of our relationship, my BF and I would treat our time together as a sort of special holiday, rather than as real life. It was lovely, but it wasn't real. Three years on, now we just do normal things - sitting around watching TV, cooking together, etc. It gives you a much better idea of what things will be like when you're together full-time.

(I know it's not always easy to do that because whoever is visiting the other one is going to want to do sightseeing, etc., but try and make some time for normal everyday life.)

DB doesn't understand that when I visit I DON'T want to do the sightseeing for that exact reason. We both loved his visit around Christmas because we didn't do any sightseeing and we had two weeks together, so it was like a taste of living together. I loved it! 

We do try not to argue, it's mostly me as I'm very impulsive and have never had that think before you act skill. 

Trust and communication are really the most important things. My bf and I usually go a few months in between visits, but we always know that no matter what we can trust each other, and we talk every day, not necessarily by phone but we have video chats over the internet (which is actually better since we can both see and hear each other ) and send each other little good morning and/or goodnight texts   and we know we can always tell each other anything that's on our minds. We miss each other so much, but we always know that each of us is always thinking of the other, and in the end this will all be worth the wait

Having goals have been the best help for us.  When we got into this, we knew we'd have at least 4 years of a wait, if not more, to be together, because I had just started college and I wasn't getting married or moving until I was done with school.  Because of my school commitment, and his job commitments, we only have time to see each other 2-3 times a year.  However, after each visit was over, we had a new visit to look forward to, and the big end is in sight now -- I graduate in May, and we're getting married at the end of October.  It has been a rough four years, and we have had our share of laughter and tears, and like everyone else has said--communication is a big part, as is trust.  Support from those around you is, too, because sometimes you'll get the skeptic or the person who huffs at your situation, and sometimes that can get to you (it has to me in the past at least).

We keep all sorts of communication going.  We use IM, voice chat, video chat, phone calls, texts, emails, and occassional letters and cards for occassions like birthdays/anniversaries that we miss from being apart.  We spend as much time together as we can when we're phsyically together and try not to take it for granted, whether it's been only 2 weeks, or 3 months.  In the past 3 1/2 years of our relationship, we've only spent 1 year physically together in total but we're still strong.  I don't think there's a hidden secret to it all, but you need to find what works for you, and just realize that things won't be easy...but don't give up because things are hard!

If you don't mind me asking..how long have you and your partner been together and how often do you see each other?

It's still pretty new, we're going on four months and hope to meet the first time in October.  I was in an LDR for almost two years that didn't go anywhere.  This one is very different and very special, just want to avoid making the same mistakes.

Forgot to add that surprise visits are good too. My DH (bf at the time) surprised me - he had been in touch with all of my friends to make sure he had a grand entrance, so everyone knew but me!

Then, I attempted to surprise him back a few mts later for his birthday - just a 4 day weekend, but it went a bit t*ts up when I missed my flight out, he had an inkling, so I ended up telling him. He was still surprised and very happy 

Reading everyones comments on here makes me realsie that DN and I are not the only ones going through this, it's easy to get up in eachother and forget that there are ppl out there that have been in and are going through LDRs....so much helpful advice on here, so glad DN found UK-Yankee.
Despite the distance I know how I feel about him and will never let those miles get between us emotionally. I agree with the "communication and honesty" aspect that has been said, without those there is no relationship to work at!
Good luck to everyone and hope the happy endings don't stop!

Single best investment: Webcams.


DB and I talk almost every other day, if not every other day via skype and webcams.  We get to see each other as well as talk and it helps.  Its not the same as being in person, but it is better than phone calls and certainly better than emails. 

I wholly agree wtih what everyone else has said: communication and honesty. 

Always be honest with your partner even, if it's something they may not want to hear. Let your partner know how much they mean to you. Take care.

YUP...

Trust and communication are really the most important things. When your parnter has a 6 hour time difference so your eating lunch as they are getting ready for work can really s**k. As I said before we met via Yahoo but since we moved to Skype we have become so much closer. You can configure it to auto answer, yes you may think it sounds like spying but when your feeling down or missing them bad. You connect on and just listen to the house. Even the sound of the microwave makes me smile. Little things you hear make you learn your parnter better, with the "how did you know that about me?"

Yes its hard but if you love the person as you say you do it will work out.

Lastly I will say I have found my soul mate and will do anything for her...

Communicate

Often

As much is affordable

THis was paramount for DH and I. The big issue now we're married and have been in the same place for nearly 3 years (eep) is he thinks i'm so much quieter than when we were apart!