Having a successful LDR

I found out the hard way that you need to have an international plan to get a much lower rate.  Luckily, the phone company rep believed my stupidity when she checked my past phone records and took off almost $500 in charges. 

what happened?  how did you get the charges removed (assuming you actually did make the calls)?

Although it's not technically 'advice,' I just wanted to say that my friends and family gave me huge amounts of support that saved my sanity and my heart during my LDR.

It really meant a lot to me when people would ask me simple things like how my DF was doing, or what he was getting up to. It helped 'normalize' our relationship and made it feel much less isolating. I'm sure I tried some people's patience during the stressful times (my entire circle of friends are now completely fluent with the UK visa application process), but just talking things out with a third party helped put things in a better context.

what happened?  how did you get the charges removed (assuming you actually did make the calls)?

I really didn't know I had to have a special plan for international calls  so the rep at AT&T checked my history and confirmed I had never called outside of the US before.  So that and the fact that I probably lucked out getting a really nice and understanding phone rep.  She set me up with a plan and then converted those calls to that plan. 

Although it's not technically 'advice,' I just wanted to say that my friends and family gave me huge amounts of support that saved my sanity and my heart during my LDR.

You were very lucky.  I know I don't speak alone when I say that my friends and family are less than supportive.  I wish that I did have them to turn to when times are tough.

Perhaps not the world's most reliable resource, but thought you might find this article on MSN interesting

http://lifestyle.uk.msn.com/sexandrelationships/article.aspx?cp-documentid=4737994

Reliable source or not, still an interesting article! 

I think it was spot on though.

DB and I talked right away about a lot of things people who aren't in long distance relationships wait a while before discussing. We felt it was important to discuss who would be willing to move, ways we want our household to run, travel, types of places to live we would enjoy because long distance is so hard, why go through all of that for someone we aren't compatible with in the long-term unless we both wanted it to be a fling.

I thought it all really hit the nail on the head. I liked the comment about how people who live with eachother may not be able to spend two hours a day talking but people in long distance can spend hours and hours a day. Obviously, that isn't true for everyone and each relationship is different, but I think it is generally pretty true. I find DB and I don't talk as much when we're together as when we are separated. Maybe it's because we talk about our day when separated but spend a lot of it together when not...

That's a very good article and points out some very important things.  Thanks for sharing it.

I saw that article posted on another board today, I think it's great, personally.

I believe there are many factors that make an LDR successful. I also believe that all couples are different and are compatible in different ways. What worked best for us may not work best for others.

The two main things for DH and me - communication and trust. We have been completely committed to each other from the very beginning and have trusted each other implicitly. We spoke on the phone everyday (and still managed to have wonderful hour long conversations on the weekends), e-mailed, and sent letters and cards. We openly told each other how much we loved and missed the other.

We definitely got frustrated along the way though! Patience is not one of my virtues!
It helped to set dates for visits and we tried to plan ahead as much as possible. I feel lucky because we were able to spend four months living together one summer after about a year of LDR. We learned a lot about each other's living habits, values, future goals, etc. and had lots of important conversations. It confirmed for us that we were definitely meant for each other. It was a lot harder to go on after that, but at least we knew we were doing the right thing.

I've only been married 5 days, but so far everything is great! haha.

It helped to set dates for visits and we tried to plan ahead as much as possible. I feel lucky because we were able to spend four months living together one summer after about a year of LDR. We learned a lot about each other's living habits, values, future goals, etc. and had lots of important conversations. It confirmed for us that we were definitely meant for each other. It was a lot harder to go on after that, but at least we knew we were doing the right thing.

I definitely agree on both these things!! In fact, FH hasn't booked his ticket for his next visit that we have planned because of a practical obstacle we're waiting to hear the result of, and it's killing us!! I mean, he wants to come in August, but I like having a countdown.

Also agreed on the chance to have time together before taking the plunge. We viewed my year in Leeds as a "dry-run" for marriage and I'm definitely glad we did it, it confirmed what we already knew.

communication is the key (this rule can not be stated enough)
trust, honesty, faith in one another helps. maturity and discussion you are both on the same wavelength with this relationship is the keybit as well. both being honest about their intentions is what matters.

having a time frame of when you want your LDR to stop being a LDR helps. it gives you both something to look forward to and not just a relationship of visits. if theres no end in sight it just makes you feel like youre in this endless cycle.

also when your ldr ends, you should still VERY important to keep that level of communication and honesty between the two of you at all times, especially at the beginning when the two of you move in together and both of you are adjusting and one of you are adjusting to living in a new country.

For me, the key was to enjoy the time we were together and to enjoy the time we were apart! We did long distance for almost 3 years and I really enjoyed the whole experience. Sometimes I wish we could do long distance again (although our son would feel a bit left out) I agree the bits about trust, but I loved being in an LDR and it seems a bloody lifetime ago now (it was 1997...so it kind of was) I always loved the saying goodbyes because I knew we would see each other again with a few weeks (6-8 maybe) and I loved the HELLO's...nothing beats reunion sex, nothing! Not even wedding night sex (yawn) But I would say just try your best to remember the independant person that you are...and like I said, enjoy the time together, enjoy the time apart!!

I would say:

• Make sure you communicate honest with each other at all times.

• When you are able to be together savour it and treat each moment as it was your last.  I hated when we would separate if we had argued, etc as you always wish you hadn't

• Don't break the bank visiting each other... Other 5 years Knowles and I have spent grand flying backwards and forwards (we could really do with that money now ).  In hindsight, I would have planned visits better, so that they weren't as frequent, but we spend longer periods together.

• Listen to your heart, don't let others influence how you think and feel... If there not in a LDR, they don;t get the issues that come with it.

• Trust and love each other... Cos if its meant to be it will.  Knowles and I broke up for 6 months during our 6 year LDN.

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I'm jumping in at the end of this thread without reading the whole thread, so excuse me if this has been touched on. I've been at this TEN years. We never meant it to drag on like this, but we're older and have much on our plates and...whatever.

We talk several hours a day. We joke (but it's true) that we talk more when we're apart than when we're together. Ten years ago, it was pretty expensive. Phone was one of my biggest bills.

Now, with calling cards (2 cents a minute!) and internet telephony (free!) it isn't even an issue. Often, I'll come home in the evening and fire up Skype and just leave it running. We both pretty much live on the computer. I pipe my computer sound through my stereo. I can hear him puttering around the flat and making cups of tea. We trade links and pictures and chat.

I know lots of men aren't talkers, but he is (more than I am) and that's really the only way we've managed to pull this off. Thank god for technology.

p.s. Damn stupid webcam: he fell in love with a stray kitten I got handed, now I have TWO cats to put through the PETS scheme.