How Long before You Feel at Home?

I've been here for 8 years and I pretty much was at home right away. I got a career job in about 5 weeks, so I got thrown into it all. We bought a house right away, and got settled in really quickly. My life here is pretty good!!!

It's only home because this is where my family (DH and two kids) live.  I don't think I really feel 'at home' here in that I feel like I am truly able to express my inner self in my surroundings. 

It's coming.  A lot of it is simply familiarity but mostly, i feel like I'm still new here and not entirely comfortable in the pub, the green grocer etc..  When I feel 100% comfortable here, then it will really be "home"

I've been here for 14 months and it's never felt like home. 

I've been here 9 months now and I do not forsee the UK ever feeling like home...perhaps that's because I know it's temporary (we're returning to the U.S. in 2009).  Or it could be because we cannot afford the same type of lifestyle here, so we do not own a car and live in a tiny flat, which has been a difficult adjustment.  I really miss the freedom of having a car!! 

Hi,
I'm in Birmingham too!  Whereabouts do you live?

I can relate to that completely ! I'm on the other side of the coin..l moved to the US (FL originally,now Nashville,TN) from Portsmouth,Hants and l've been here 9 years now but the US will NEVER be my home. Even after all this time,l'd move back to the UK in heartbeat ! Although having read the piece copied below,which l'm sure we can all relate to,l now wonder if l did move back would l really be as happy as l think l would. One tends to forget some of the negatives of the place that you left originally. I was born and bred,and lived for over 30 yrs in Pompey, and that's my real home, and where my family still live, but when l read and hear about all the crime and the way the place has gone downhill,l wonder would l really want to move back there after 9 years away ? I just don't know.

I read the below article on another forum and decided to paste it rather the post the link,just in case it didn't work. I'm not quite sure what phase of that l fall into...partly 3..partly 4, l think. It makes interesting reading anyway !

1. Honeymoon Phase.

Most people begin with great expectations and a positive mind-set. There is excitement, new sights, new smells, new tastes and the early problems are experienced as quaint - as part of the newness - anything new is intriguing and exciting. And, anyway, there are more pressing problems to deal with, like opening bank accounts, getting drivers licences, finding schools, doctors, dentists. These are usually handled with the accompanying euphoria of having overcome each of these first hurdles successfully.


2. Rejection Phase.

The honeymoon phase comes to an end as the newcomer has to deal with transportation problems (buses that don't come on time), shopping problems (can't buy their favourite foods or soaps or whatever) or communication problems, like understanding new phrases or words that mean nothing to you. Little things come up but it may start to seem like people somehow no longer care about your problems. They may help, but they don't seem to understand your concern over what they see as small problems. You might even start to think that the people in your new country don't like newcomers and often you may begin to feel aggressive and start to complain about the new culture/country - 'Australians are ' ', or 'The system is ''. It is important to recognize that these feelings are real and can become acute. This phase is a crisis phase in the 'disease' of culture shock and is called the "rejection" phase precisely because it is at this point that the newcomer starts to reject the host country, complaining about and noticing only the bad things that bother them. At this stage the newcomer either gets stronger and stays, or gets weaker and goes home (physically, mentally or both).


3. Regression Phase.

If you have struggled with phase 2, you may find yourself moving into regression - moving backward - and in this phase of culture shock, you spend much of your time speaking your own language, watching videos from your home country, eating food from home. You may also notice that you are moving in social circles which are exclusively made up of people from your own background and you don't want to meet locals. You may spend most of this time complaining about the new country/culture and its strange and senseless ways. Also in the regression phase, you may only remember the good things about your home country which may suddenly seem marvellously wonderful; all the difficulties that you had there are forgotten and you may find yourself wondering why you ever left. You may now only remember your home country as a wonderful place in which nothing ever went wrong for you. Of course, this is not true, but an illusion created by your culture shock crisis.


4. Recovery Phase or At-Ease-At-Last Phase:

If you survive the third stage successfully, you will move into the fourth stage of culture shock. In this stage you become more comfortable with the language and you also feel more comfortable with the customs of your new country. You can now move around without a feeling of anxiety. You still have problems with some of the social cues and you may still not understand everything people say (especially idioms) or do. However, you are now much better adjusted to the new culture and you start to realize that no country is that much better than another - it is just different lifestyles and different ways to deal with the problems of life. With this new adjustment, you accept the food, drinks, habits and customs of the new country, and you may even find yourself preferring some things in the new country, to things at home. You have now understood that there are different ways to live your life and that no way is really better than another, just different. Finally, you have become comfortable in the new place - it's not so bad. Most importantly, your sense of humour will have returned and you find you are able to look at yourself and laugh.

(credit where credit is due these stages were lifted from here)

It is an interesting topic and more interestingly there does not seem to be any timescales attached to these stages. I would say we went through most of this over 6 months.
   

Well, I've been here nearly 2 years and it still isn't home. There's plenty of things I love about the UK, but 'home' will always be the USA. I've just come to accept that the UK will never truly be home to me.

I think it's just a personal choice though. I've chosen not to let go, not to allow myself to call the UK 'home'. I always refer to it as England or the UK. Even when I'm back home in the States visiting family I'll say, "I'm flying back to England on Tuesday..." or "When I get back to England..." I can never bring myself to call it home.

I don't think you can put a time limit on it. It's like loving someone, you have to make a conscious choice whether or not to do it and then stick to it. Best of luck though. Honestly, it really IS a nice place to live. Don't mind grumpy old buggers like me. 

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I think the stages differ for everyone.

For example, for me the "rejection phase" was more of a "getting used to things" phase. There were things that I didn't understand, or that I wasn't used to or didn't particularly like, but there wasn't an entire period of time when I felt like everything was going wrong. Just little things that cropped up here and there - at the same time as good things were happening - which I learned to deal with.

I also never went through a regression phase.

I think the  way you experience things depends a lot on your attitude and your expectations.

My DH was made redundant about a month ago and we had the opportunity to move to the US, however, we just bought a house and we would have lost out a little even if we rented it out. DH was given a large compensation package that would have equalled a nice sum in dollars, helping us move and get on our feet in the US. The big thing - I wasn't ready. I have been here about 21 months and I am not ready to leave. I like it here, I now think of it as home even if the US is my ultimate home, the only thing tying me to the US is family and friends. Here I have DH's family, our friends, a gorgeous house and friendly neighbors. I am even starting my own business and career in my dream field, making it feel more like home here. This is all recent, i wouldn't feel this way without our home I think.

It took me about 3 years - but it is I think a constantly evolving sense, sometimes it deepens, sometimes it recedes. What did it for me was going home to the states for a visit; seeing my new home from a different perspective allowed me to be able to appreciate it and start seeing it as 'home'.

met a bunch of great friends that were all settling into london life at the same time so I think that made settling in easier and quicker. I also enjoyed and found it refreshing living here than I did in the states so it made me want to embrace london life much  more so.

Well, I've been here nearly 2 years and it still isn't home. There's plenty of things I love about the UK, but 'home' will always be the USA. I've just come to accept that the UK will never truly be home to me.

I think it's just a personal choice though. I've chosen not to let go, not to allow myself to call the UK 'home'. I always refer to it as England or the UK. Even when I'm back home in the States visiting family I'll say, "I'm flying back to England on Tuesday..." or "When I get back to England..." I can never bring myself to call it home.

I don't think you can put a time limit on it. It's like loving someone, you have to make a conscious choice whether or not to do it and then stick to it. Best of luck though. Honestly, it really IS a nice place to live. Don't mind grumpy old buggers like me.  

I completely agree with this post.  I dont' feel at home because I don't necessarily want to - and I don't think that that's a bad or a negative thing.

The one thing I will say, though, is that when I go anywhere and return to England, I do enjoy returning to our flat - but I think that has more to do with the fact that we own it, and it's really ours rather than WHERE it is...

I completely agree with this post.  I dont' feel at home because I don't necessarily want to - and I don't think that that's a bad or a negative thing.

Without passing judgement on that, I'm truly curious why anyone wouldn't want to feel at home wherever you live. Whether living here is a permanent or temporary thing, it seems as though it would make a person far more happy and less inclined to judge things negatively if they tried to feel at home.... Maybe I have a funny idea of what "at home" means. To me it means I've tried to assimilate to make things comfortable - I've made friends, learned how things work, fixed up my house the way I want it, and just generally settled into my life. If I didn't feel like where I lived was home I'd go mad. I hate always feeling like I'm just camping out temporarily.

I suppose I feel like it's different if you really try to settle in and just never do for whatever reason, but I'm honestly curious why anyone wouldn't even want to try.... 

Without passing judgement on that, I'm truly curious why anyone wouldn't want to feel at home wherever you live. Whether living here is a permanent or temporary thing, it seems as though it would make a person far more happy and less inclined to judge things negatively if they tried to feel at home.... Maybe I have a funny idea of what "at home" means. To me it means I've tried to assimilate to make things comfortable - I've made friends, learned how things work, fixed up my house the way I want it, and just generally settled into my life. If I didn't feel like where I lived was home I'd go mad. I hate always feeling like I'm just camping out temporarily.

I suppose I feel like it's different if you really try to settle in and just never do for whatever reason, but I'm honestly curious why anyone wouldn't even want to try.... 

See, I guess that's the thing...I wouldn't be comfortable assimilating.  I've made friends, I work here, we have a house that we're working on making the way we want it and I'm settled into living here for a while.  But it's not my home.  It's not camping out, but it is temporary.

And just because I look at living here as temporary and I don't consider it my home doesn't mean that I don't enjoy living here.  There are great things about England. 

This is not directed at you Anne, but I am a bit overwhelmed by the way this board seems to imply that if you haven't completely embraced the English way of life, you're tucked away in your house with the shutters firmly closed feeling miserable all of the time.  I dont' feel I have a negative outlook on life in London - I enjoy the differences - admittedly, some annoy me, some completely baffle me! - but it woudln't be a DIFFERENT country if it were exactly the same...

Sorry about that    It's just that I think it's okay to not consider the UK your home whether you live here for 5 minutes or 5 decades and I think there is a side of things that is unrepresented on here.

This is not directed at you Anne, but I am a bit overwhelmed by the way this board seems to imply that if you haven't completely embraced the English way of life, you're tucked away in your house with the shutters firmly closed feeling miserable all of the time. 

I'm sorry if that's your impression because, in all honestly, it's not meant that way. It's just that there are a lot of people on UKY who have gone through bouts of homesickness and even depression, but have come out on the other side feeling positive and happy about their new lives in the UK. They know how best to deal with those feelings and how best to get past them. If they're offering you advice, please don't take it as criticism. It's just words of wisdom from people who know what they're talking about. 

for me, right away. i never ever felt at home in the us no matter where i went.

my mother who moved to the us from london, still doesnt feel at home and shes been there for over 35 years. she makes do with what she has, but she knows if she was to come back here it wouldnt be home either. so shes just stuck in the middle. she has her life and she lives its but she knows it will never ever be 100%