my crap attitude...

i'd like to appologise if i have come across as rude or unfair or whatever on the boards lately.    i have a really crap attitude about being in England at the moment, and i am sorry if any of my recent comments have offended anyone in any way.  i have been using this board to vent my frustrations, and i know that i have been coming across as a major complainer.

just last summer, and practically my whole life before, i was always known as this independant, creative girl who was always happy and smiling.  (everyone used to always tell me that.)  lately, i feel like i am losing that part of me, and i am trying so desparately to find it again...

living here is really difficult for me.  i am starting over completely, with absolutely nothing.  my only personal belongings here, are a bunch of clothes and shoes, and a small box of pictures.  i am an artist, and all of my equipment still sits in my mom's basement in Wisconsin, while we wait until we have the extra money to have it shipped.  (it will be months...   )

i went from a state capitol city to this tiny little foreign town, an ocean away from my family and friends.  i have always had an extremely active social life, surrounded by people that knew my reputation; both as a person and a friend.  i spent my whole life developing long-lasting friendships with people, and now i feel like such a stanger in a strange world.

two friends (from the states) have passed away since November.   i just found out that i lost another this sunday, who's funeral is today.   it hurts me deeply that i can't be there to show my support for his family and my/our friends, as it did for the others.

my dad had a cancer scare a few weeks ago, shortly after i returned from a stateside visit, and they removed a mass from his abdomen the size of a grapefruit.  i couldn't be there with my dad, either, and had to resort to email/telephone calls to be "at his side" while he was ill.

so, i have been a bit stressed and homesick, to say the least.  i try to think of positive things, and "keep my chin up", as some of you have told me, but still, nothing changes in the root of my sadness.  :'(

i hate having to unload all of my pain onto my poor husband, as it would break his heart for him to know how sad i really am inside.   we do have good communication and everything, its just that i make him feel helpless when i complain, because there really isn't anything that he can do that he isn't already doing, that would make it all better.  :-/

its that whole "waiting game" thing that i hate so much.   we are waiting until we fix up this house so that we can sell, and move to a larger city.   the house prices continue to rise.  meanwhile, we have been broke since the wedding, with all of the expenses connected with that and the extensive travelling/moving overseas.  i wonder when it'll ever happen...

so here i sit, feeling like a caged bird in the meanwhile...  feeling sorry for myself and not having any close friends near to cry on their shoulder.  how pathetic i must sound...

anyway, i'll stop for now.  i just needed to get this off of my chest.  thanx for reading this, if you made it this far.  ( ::)yet another vent, sorry...) and like i said...  i deeply appologise for any harsh comments i may have made that may have been taken the wrong way.  i'm really not a big meanie head.   it's just hard for me to be enjoying England when i don't feel like i belong here most of the time...

...i'm sure i'll get over it.  :-/

thanx.
Angel

x x x




 

Awww Angel what you are going thru is alot more than I thought in the other post you made.  I was teasing you really - trying to make light of your situation - never realizing all that went behind it.  You have NOTHING to apologize for young lady.  Each and every one of us that leaves loved ones behind will face these same issues one way or the other at some point in our lives.  You're going thru a real rough patch just now.  Don't try to fit in so hard.  All that will come with time.  You've done some major changes to your lifestyle and that won't resolve itself over night.  Please try not to be so hard on yourself.  One bright spot is this site.  You now have another outlet aside from your loving hubby.  Here the hugs may be virtual but the feelings and thoughts and intentions we put into these posts to you and others convey our sincere wish to help you thru your rough patch or join in when you do celebrate a milestone.  We are with you thru thick and thin.  Good times and bad.  So vent when you need to Angel.  I'm listening.

thanx, Kizmet... and i know that you weren't teasing me.   i appreciate your kindness...  

i just thought that i would explain why i have been such a poo head lately. :-/  when i get upset or depressed, it consumes me, and i don't realise the impact that my words or actions have on others at times.  (emotions are a powerful thing...)  i am just emotionally overloaded right now, and i thought it was important to explain where these feelings are stemming from.  i have made some really good friendships on this site, and i don't ever want to hurt anyone's feelings...

 Told you someone would understand and have a (((Hug))) for you

I have to say, i think message boards can be the best way of purging one's frustrations and sadness, as you have third parties who don't know much about you and can be objective.....or just lend an ear.

You've been going through a tough time and it makes sense you're sad..and lonely...and frustrated.  I can't do much more than offer a big old ((Hug)) and make a silly face to try and cheer you up.  

thanx, Rhia... u always have the bestest hugs...  

and Aimiloo... the moonie butt in my face is exactly what i needed...  thanx.    

There isn't anything I can add to what's been already said,, so I am here just to give you a hug.

Hang in there, kiddo.  It's early days yet.  Really it is.  It takes a year and a half to three years before you feel comfortable and know everything.  And it takes 3 to 5 years before it feels like home.  Unless you're Peedal, but she doesn't count.  Is there anything you can join, any classes you can take, or any place you can volunteer?  What about the local schools?  And I know it's a huge expense, but I think your artists supplies need to be looked at as a priority.  It's about your well-being, not just a hobby.  Does your husband understand how important it is to you?  Is there anyone who can come visit you and at least bring some?  I'm really sorry that you're in this funk and it's too bad you're in such an isolated place.  It will get better.  I promise.  

Unless you're Peedal, but she doesn't count.

Can't you just feel the love?    

Awwww, Angel!  You don't need to apologise for feeling the way you are.  I felt *exactly* the same way for a long, long time and I expect most of us here have experienced very similar things.  

This move is hard!  It's going to take you some time....probably more time than you expected and more time than you'd like...but if you hang in there, and use this place to vent now and then, you will get through it and it will start to get better.  Slowly but surely you'll feel better.  

I'm with Mindy tho.  You  need to get your art supplies here.  Pronto.  If that's something you can poor yourself into and feel like you again, do it.  You know, I remember the exact DAY it started getting better for me.  I went out and got a book about scrapbooking....and just went mad with it at first.  It made *such* a difference!

Mostly I just wanted to say that this sight...this group of real life human beings...is here for you.  You're allowed to hate England and be down about it sometimes.  No doubt in a few weeks it will seem good again, or at least a little better, and you can share that with us then.  This adjustment is all about riding the tides....letting it all ebb and flow.  

You just hang in there, sweetie.  

No apologies needed. I SO know how you feel.

I just wanted to add my hugs too, Angel.  One thing is to do what every one had said.  Find those things that you love llike art and bring them into you.  Having some part of his life in the USA be like the UK helped my husband enormously.  For him it was a UK expat group and playing footie again.  

It is hard for those of us who have not moved to hear the bad, but it is necesary.  Without it we would go into it with rose colored glasses.  I just started the good things thread to help us see the good with the bad.  

Just remember to that that which does not kill you will make you stronger.  Think of how much of that independence and strength it took you to move and get through each day.  Doesn't sound like you have lost that at all.  You are going to be even stronger and more idependent.  You will see.  

I know exactly how you feel as well, and many, many times the adjective "caged" has come up in describing how I've felt at times. While I love it here most of the time, sometimes I mourn the things I left behind, which I think is totally natural. I'll ditto what everyone else said, and just offer you some great big fluid-retentive hugs... at the end of the day you *are* still you, it just takes a while for adjustments this humongous to feel comfortable, and you will manage and find a way...

Oh Angel-- I could have written that myself (and probably have!).  I know that everyone else says to "keep your chin up" and "it'll get better".  They are absolutely right.  

I would say that you are in for a long slog!  I have been here three years and still feel in many ways like you do--caged, trapped, lonely, homesick.  I have moved 6 times in 18 months and as I am packing up today, I have been thinking to myself--I could just go-get on a plane and leave this hell hole behind.

I have thought that so many times, but then some little light shines--stupid things like I saw a kid in the park today with hot pink wellies and I thought that was fantastic and I am sure I can't get that in Iowa.  Or tomorrow I have to wait to move in after 12 to my new flat, because the changing of the guard closes off my street!

I also agree that you should do things you love--I am a potter, but don't have equiptment here, so I take pottery classes at the adult college (Good fun and I get to be seen as the "expert'--excellent for the ego)!

Take care of yourself!

I can't add anything more to this but just want to join in on the "it'll get better" bandwagon because it really will. You just need to roll with it and have some patience. Definitely get your hands on some art equipment whatever way you can to help give you comfort.  

Hang in there! You're talking to people who for the most part have all been there before at least once!