What changes when you're married?

This is a spin-off of MrsMe's post Getting to Grips with Being Together...

I'm curious what your experiences have been with being boyfirend/girlfriend or engaged and then suddenly being husband and wife.

C. and I are engaged (six weeks to go) and live together. Part of me thinks it will be the same, just we'll be married. But part of me knows I'll be surprised by little things that change once we're legally bound.

Is it just a feeling? or is it more practical things too?

Things did change - more than I thought they would. I didn't feel the need to wear sexy underwear as often, and even went through periods of just not really wanting "you know what". I feel more secure being married, knowing that we are both in this for good. We also feel more like a team, partnership than ever before. I feel more like family with his family now that I am legally bound to him. We can talk about having kids now seriously, which is fab    So, there were scary times at first, but now I love it. It's hard to explain. I have 2 friends engaged at the moment and I remember how I was, and it's something you will get when you are married. It doesn't smack you in the face, it is kind of slow and creeps up on you in moments and situations, fights etc... when you realize, this is it, did I make the right decision? I question that every time we fight, but that's quickly gone as soon as we make up.

Great post pittpanther - right on the money!

Things do change when you get married, but IMO the good outweighs any bad.

You don't get as much sex!

You don't get as much sex!

For us, it was that we started fighting about money.  Combining incomes and deciding how to spend our joint income was definitely the toughest aspect of getting married.  Luckily, we came up with a plan (we each get personal money each month) that has worked well for us and now we rarely fight about money.

You don't get as much sex!

i will happily dispute that statement!!!!

I haven't noticed any change whatsoever.  For us things are just the same as before.

Geez where do I begin?

Let's see. Before we got married I was certain I was dating a robot. He never burped, yawned or farted! That all changed our wedding night! 

What was mine now became ours
I had these gorgeous cushions I got from Bed Bath and Beyond. I kept them displayed proudly on my sofa. Soon as we got married my husband took it upon himself to take my nice cushions and let his elderly incontinent father sit on them at the dining table 
I can report now I don't use cushions on my sofa and the kids use the cushions to sit on the floor while playing video games.   

I can't remember the last time he opened the car door for me. Before we were married he not only opened up my car door but fastened my seatbelt also. It was sickening sweet.

I haven't noticed any change whatsoever.  For us things are just the same as before.

Same here.  I imagine a lot of it depends on how you lived and managed your relationship before marriage and at what point you made the big commitment.  The wedding itself was more a legal necessity than a pivotal moment in our lives (illustrated by the fact that my MIL had to remind us last week that our wedding anniversary is coming up!  We celebrate a different anniversary.)

Same here.  I imagine a lot of it depends on how you lived and managed your relationship before marriage and at what point you made the big commitment.  The wedding itself was more a legal necessity than a pivotal moment in our lives (illustrated by the fact that my MIL had to remind us last week that our wedding anniversary is coming up!  We celebrate a different anniversary.)

That sounds a lot like us.  We forgot our wedding anniversary completely and my family and friends were absolutely horrified.  I'm not sure what it was, maybe because we had a really quiet wedding (just us two) and have never been one to regard marriage as anything more than a means to actually be together.

I do like being married though, it's nice.  But nothing has changed in our relationship or life, except all the legal/visa stuff.

Well, it certainly depends on your own situation, but in my experience, being married was a true validation of our commitment to each other. There were issues with my in-laws and the wedding ceremony was very important knowing that not only were my parents and his parents present and witnesses, but no one discouraged us at the event. Afterwards, I felt more at ease and was able to relax more with my now-husband. I have been married for just a little over a year and I know that that feeling of security increases more with time. I suppose on the practical side, it is the fact that I can have silly banter with him and not feel insecure that an argument would lead to separation. In fact, things that would have made me quite insecure when we were first together (i.e. thinking of his ex) can now actually make me laugh or at least seem much less important in the scheme of things. I actually feel kind of amused when I can have a bit of a go at him about picking up his socks; it is all much more in jest now, although I do realise that understanding each other's moods and insecurities on a deeper level means not exploiting those things. Also, it seems like the longer we have been with each other, the more often we say the same things or are able to finish each other's sentences.

The main thing I can think of is feeling more appreciation towards my husband and simultaneously knowing I do not make as much of an effort to express these feelings. (Maybe I will, though!)

I do feel more secure. DH had many more exes than I did and that made me wonder what on earth he was doing with me. But, as we had been living together for 2 years prior to the wedding, not much else has changed.

I dunno if our relationship changed at all (I mean, other than getting used to living with each other rather than just visiting).

If anything, my perception of myself changed.  I see myself through my husband's eyes now and am soooo aware of how my actions affect him.  He's kind of a mirror for me, if that makes any sense.  I see how difficult it must be being married to me -- I'm a freaking handful! 

In all seriousness, it's highlighted my strengths and weaknesses.  I definitely feel like I'm more "me" than before I got married.  I am more certain of who I am now.

So hard to put this into words!

Thanks so much for your posts!

I think I've asked you all to explain the intangible!

I think for me, I'm worried about the shift from mine and his to OURS. I've always been uber independent. But, these past 5 months have been a real helping of humble pie (as C. is suporting me, first time I haven't made it on my own). I'm looking forward to working again, and contributing to the household income, but it occured to me the other day that 50/50 splitting of the bills is for housemates not husbands and wives (or civil partners ). Tht's what I'm trying to get my brain around right now.