Too much stress

So, it looks like my spousal visa application is weak because of DH's salary and that fact that we will need to live with his mum until we find a flat of our own and sort out a job for me.  So, through the kindness of a wonderful person on here, I have been referred to someone to help us.

No word yet, but, it is early yet (only sent the email a matter of an hour and a half ago) but, I am terrified that the answer will be "nope, don't apply" or "figure out something else."  All I want is to be with my husband.  That is all I want.  It has been a horribly long road just to get this far and I don't know if I have the strength for the rest.

Funny thing is, all the other move stuff is starting to fall into place.  But, the most important piece, the visa, is looking very very up in the air.  I guess I could bring DH here, but, then, I would be asking him to give up his dreams (he is working towards joining the army in order to do some medical careers) and I don't know if I can do that.  But, I don't want us to be separated. I agreed to move to the UK because I love it there and because  my field is emerging in the UK (but, I can't seem to land a job because I am not already in the country!).  Also, my dreams lie in eventually going back to school for book conservation, which is much easy to do in the UK.

DH likes the US well enough and I know he would move if worse came to worse, however, I know he wouldn't be very happy here.  I don't want him to be unhappy. 

I don't know what to do.  I'm scared, sad, and stressed....

 :\\\'( :\\\'( :\\\'( :\\\'( :\\\'(

it's normal to be scared, sad and stressed.   if you wern't feeling those emotions right now, given what you're going through, i'd be worried about you.

you're doing all the right things- checking off the boxes one by one. 

any chance of getting together with friends, going for a long walk, finding something to help you zone out for a wee bit? 

it's normal to be scared, sad and stressed.   if you wern't feeling those emotions right now, given what you're going through, i'd be worried about you.

you're doing all the right things- checking off the boxes one by one. 

any chance of getting together with friends, going for a long walk, finding something to help you zone out for a wee bit? 

Unfortunately, all of my friends for about the past 12 years have basically deserted me now....and that's because they are unhappy that I am moving away.  I tried zoning out last night but found myself very anxious and in tears a lot.

long walk with the dogs?  a solid date online with your husband?  you can both have a glass of wine together? 

long walk with the dogs?  a solid date online with your husband?  you can both have a glass of wine together? 

Thank God for my dogs!  Their silly antics actually made me laugh through the tears last night.  DH got my youngest dog, Bailey, addicted to tea whilst he was here.  Every time he would have a cup of tea, he would put a little bit on his finger and give it to Bailey.  I had a cup of tea last night and was sitting on the floor playing with them when I look over to find Bailey's head shoved in my mug drinking away.  I told him to stop and he did, but, the problem was his little head was stuck inside the mug!  Took a little bit of butter to get his head out, followed by a bath to get the butter off of his face.

I will suggest the date to DH.  Thanks, Meggles! 

I am worried about my ILR, but it's a year away.  I'm feeling very stuck because I do not have much else I an do for it at the moment.  My dh doesn't have the best salary, and I do not have a job at the moment.  I'm glad we have some savings to help.  With these huge things like moving and immigration and how much they can mess with your life, I think these feelings are absolutely normal.  I'm so sorry about your friends.  That really, really sucks.  You've made friends here, keep talking to them, it will help.  It sounds like the application is with that person now, and as much as it sucks, you'll have to wait.     I know it's the most annoying thing ever.  Good luck, and I'm sure it will work out.  Good luck and get that chocolate and wine out of the cupboard. 

I feel for you Dar, i really do...

There was stress for us too (but i'm too laid back to bother) but the way i looked at it was that if it was easy it wouldn't truly reflect the HUGE change that we were going through.  Don't underestimate what it is that you're trying to achieve.  Of course there are hurldes and hoops to jump through, but you'll get through it, i know...good things happen to good people and whilst i don't know you there's a strong vibe comes out of messages here.

Are you sure you're not able to proceed with the visa as it stands?  So what if his employer can't confirm salary, they can confirm that he's employed and he has payslips to back up how much he earns?  

I wish you all the best, but i know you'll have a happy ending.  

Hopefully you'll hear back from the advisor shortly and he can put your fears to rest. Try not to over think things. I know, easier said than done! Is there anyone at work that you can go to lunch with (not one of your craptastic 'friends' of course), have a laugh, and get your mind off things?
 

Well, my advice.. keep busy.  It's when you stop that it all gets to you and is overwhelming.  As long as you stay occupied, then you have less time to worry and stress about things that really, at this point, YOU HAVE NO CONTROL OVER.  Your fate lies in someone else's hands and all you can do is just keep on keepin' on.  There will be time to unwind when it is all over. 

I find if I let myself relax and unwind, it gets worse.  Focus on the things that you do have control over.  It might be as simple as fixing a meal, walking the dogs, watching tv.  Go to movies, talk to your DH as much as you can.  Write!  Don't focus on the "what ifs"; focus instead on the "I knows".   Easier said than done, I know but it's how I get/have gotten through my ridiculous life in limbo.  If nothing else, if it doesn't kill you, it WILL make you stronger. 

I feel for you Dar, i really do...

There was stress for us too (but i'm too laid back to bother) but the way i looked at it was that if it was easy it wouldn't truly reflect the HUGE change that we were going through.  Don't underestimate what it is that you're trying to achieve.  Of course there are hurldes and hoops to jump through, but you'll get through it, i know...good things happen to good people and whilst i don't know you there's a strong vibe comes out of messages here.

Are you sure you're not able to proceed with the visa as it stands?  So what if his employer can't confirm salary, they can confirm that he's employed and he has payslips to back up how much he earns?   

I wish you all the best, but i know you'll have a happy ending. 

Thank you, Carol, that was so incredibly sweet of you!  If I was near you now, I would give you a massive bear hug.

  Your fate lies in someone else's hands and all you can do is just keep on keepin' on.  There will be time to unwind when it is all over. 

I find if I let myself relax and unwind, it gets worse.  Focus on the things that you do have control over.  It might be as simple as fixing a meal, walking the dogs, watching tv.  Go to movies, talk to your DH as much as you can.  Write!  Don't focus on the "what ifs"; focus instead on the "I knows".   Easier said than done, I know but it's how I get/have gotten through my ridiculous life in limbo.  If nothing else, if it doesn't kill you, it WILL make you stronger. 

Yes, it will make me stronger.  I was just hoping for a bit of a break this go around.  The last few years have been hell.  Eh, life just doesn't work that way, I guess.

In a bit of a funny moment, I checked my horoscope (horrorscope?):

Your energy is moving in unpredictable patterns, but it will still be a fun day.

Oh yes, this day is stacking up to be super fun! 

As Karen mentioned, I find that relatively mindless, but busy work can really help to get my mind off of things when I'm stressed.  Doing a serious closet or file cabinet purge, writing letters (by hand!), or computer games can be a good distraction.  Even wandering around my favorite shops.

And deep breaths.  Lots of deep breaths.

Dar,

I totally empathise with you. When we did our spousal visa 14 months ago, things were much easier. Under these new rules, we would not have qualified. We had already borne 18 months of separation trying to negotiate the US immigration process. It is MUCH worse than the UK process, even now. It was such a relief to be able to simply apply in person at the LA consulate and walk out the door that day with our visa in hand. I remember well that relief.

Hang in there. I am sure it will all work out in the end. Hopefully you will be posting very soon and laughing about all this.

Hang in there. I am sure it will all work out in the end. Hopefully you will be posting very soon and laughing about all this.

That is my hourly prayer!

Is there something you can get really absorbed in? Start a blog? Read a book? Shoot, I did jigsaw puzzles for hours when my mother was ill. I hate the stupid things, but it was a way to shut my brain down for long periods of time.

Sometimes being a tad obsessive is a virtue.

Oh Dar!  I'm sorry hon!  I wish there was a magic word to help you not stress.  I just don't get it.  How can they keep two people that love each other apart?  You are married for goodness sakes. (Not that that should matter )

I hope you get your answer soon and it's one that relieves the stress.

Keep yourself busy as everyone has said.