Does your UK spouse want to leave?

DH lived in the US for 4 years after we were married.  The whole time he longed to "go home", be around people like himself, and "just fit in".  After 4 years we decided to move back over here.  He's been back nearly 18 months now and I've been here a year.  He hates it.  He's hated it since day one.  It's not what he remembers.  He says nothing works, he hates being "ripped off" all the time and watching his fellow countrymen allow themselves to be ripped off, he hates yobs, he hates the new drinking culture.  He actually told me today that he fears for our child's safety if we stay here to an age where she is somewhat independent (which apparently means when she starts pre-school at three ).  He says he does not want to raise his family here.  He says he hates the lack of community.  He hates that we can't afford a house or car here.  He does acknowledge that the reasons we originally chose to move back still hold true.  But he wants to leave anyway. 

Has anyone else dealt with this (I feel that I'm asking this question far too often in my life recently)?  I'm content here.  I was content in the US.  It cost a pretty penny to drag our butts over here and there was no small emotional expense either.  We have no physical belongings left in the US.  I was really hoping that he'd change his opinion with time, but how much time?

Please don't tell me that he's just crazy and that his reasoning is ridiculous.  Because I totally agree that most of his complaints are off the wall.   I'm really just hoping for some thoughts or opinions on how to proceed, what others have done, etc.

Thanks.   

aww Carrie, this must be pretty stressful for you :/
I'm kinda of the opinion that you can be happy wherever you are if you're happy with yourself.
If you're not content with yourself then you start to look around you and pick at things, it sounds like your Hubby didn't feel like he fit in in the US, but doesn't feel like he fits in in the UK and that can be a daunting and scary prospect which probably left him pretty confused and angry.
He probably put it all down to not being in the UK ("at home") and now he is, he still feels the way he did before and so is blaming the UK for it, has he thought that maybe he doesn't feel like he has the things he wants of needs to feel comfortable and sucessful and so lashes out at his surroundings?
I'm not at all saying that he isn't a success or anything, but sometimes, in people's heads they can get funny ideas that they "should be" more successful, earn more money etc, and even though that's crazy, they're fine just as they are, those feelings of inadequacy can creep in and make them unhappy.
Maybe you guys need to sit down and talk about what things need to change in order to make him happier and more at ease in the UK, maybe it's a case of all his friends have moved away whilst he was living in the US (4 years is a long time) and he needs to reconnect with them, or to make some new friends.
If he hates the lack of community, maybe he could join/start a neighbour hood watch scheme, or have a BBQ (weather permitting!!!) and invite some of your neighbours.

If you did decide to move back to the US and he's still in this state of mind, you might find he'll just start to feel the same way as he does about the UK. Nowhere is perfect, especially if you go out looking for faults because something internal is driving you to.
The grass is always greener if you choose to compare the two. But if you just look at what you have, and try to make the best of it, he might end up happier.

I don't know if all that made sense, I hope it does.
take care x

My dh is always complaining about how much he wants to move to California.

I remind him on a weekly basis:
- we'd be worse of financially (e.g. we wouldn't have jobs for a while, we'd have a load of UK debt and no US credit, we'd have to get rid of most of our stuff and then if it went pear shaped we'd be screwed, we'd have to live with my parents at least for a while and we'd never afford a house where they live which is the area he loves)
- I've already financed and gone through the emotional upheaval of a move and it's not something I'm keen to do again
- The rose coloured glasses would soon wear off when he found himself missing friends and family, not having any of his creature comforts, etc.
- We wouldn't have a car right away and you absolutely can't get around my parent's area without one
- We'd have to go through the whole immigration thing for him and pay for that plus the cats' immigration
- We wouldn't have health insurance
- and the real kicker: we wouldn't have enough vacation time to do anything other than make one trip to the UK to see his family - no more holidays in Europe, no more long weekends in Ireland, etc.

I think he knows it wouldn't work and that it's more fantasy than reality but that doesn't stop him banging on about it on a regular basis. 

Kind of agreeing with MaryKate...

Gosh Carrie - I'm sorry to hear that, since as you've indicated -- the two of you have already invested so much, just to get him (and you) back over here.  One thing that popped into my head was that I seem to remember you saying that he wasn't happy over there (US), and now he's not happy over here either?  Whereas you have been content in either place.  I think there's something in there somewhere.

Rather than upping sticks yet again & going back to the US, what about possibly investigating some different areas - cities, towns, counties, etc in the UK?  Maybe the two of you would find another place over here, other than Bristol, where he might feel better & feel more like settling?

Also it just takes time to settle after a big move.  It took me two years to feel at home here.  Fortunately, my DH is probably one of the happiest, most content people I've ever met -- so good for fussy old me.

Hugs, Carrie. That's not a very nice dilemma - for him or for you. I more or less agree with what the others have said. But still, you can't and shouldn't tell him that what he's feeling isn't right ... so you're stuck. Maybe he just needs a bit more time to resettle into life in the UK? Eighteen months isn't so long after all.

I hope you guys can figure something out. We may well end up in the US next autumn and my fear is that I will have a much harder time with going back than DH will have going for the first time! I think 18 months isn't enough really, to repatriate. But I agree that maybe considering another UK location may be worth a thought. I've been to Bristol a few times and have to confess it's not one of my favorite UK cities - but that's just my 2p!!

TBH, I do worry about the drinking culture and youth violence here. I don't think those are misplaced concerns. I do feel more exposed here than I did in the US. But that's a whole other thread!! Again, perhaps another UK location would help with that.

We go back and forth all the time about wanting to live in the USA. The idea is GREAT and the thought of the WOW factor of being there and my friends and family which David loves..when it comes down to the little things like AnneR said...it puts you off.


The thought of just 2 weeks hols mortifies David and the health insurance and all these kind of things puts us off.


Is it just the area you live in Carrie or the whole of Britain he hates? Not a nice position to be in. *HUGS*

Sorry to read this, Carrie.

Not much to add, we both know the US isn't the place for us and I stayed here not for DH - who I didn't know at the time - but for me, so it's a non-issue for me.

But it's sad to see someone struggling.

I hope you and he find some peace.

AnneR brings up some really salient points, however, it must be said.

Good points, MaryKate - we've discussed them.  And, at the very least, we'd be facing 12 months of emotional turmoil if we moved again.  That's assuming we land somewhere that makes both of us happy (and that it's a where that will make him happy at all).

We might, eventually, look at a different location.  As far as cities go, we do like Bristol.  I think we'd both prefer to live in a town or village - but jobs, cost, and transport are all issues. 

I'm trying to get him involved in the community.  Maybe that will help.  I figure, given financial issues, we're "stuck" here for at least another 2 years.  I'm also trying to avoid the whole "stuck" mentality. 

I think one thing to remember is that your husband has actually lived in both places for a fair amount of time.  So I think his opinion is not based on some romantic notion of what it's like over there but his actual experiences.  I feel for him. 

If he continues to be unhappy about life here and your family's future, then perhaps despite all the expense and emotional turmoil, you two should think about logistics in more concrete terms, perhaps as you said in another 2 years' time.  That sort of discussion might prompt him to really think about what it is he doesn't like about living in the UK and how important those things are to him, and how important it is to him to live in the US again. As has been said many times on this forum, life is too short to be unhappy.  Sorry, that's probably not what you wanted to hear!     

It's been my experience that going back to somewhere you've loved is even harder than moving away in the first place. Things have moved on while you've been away, and you've changed as well, and so it's not possible to just slip comfortably back into the place that you remember. And if your first impression is that things have changed for the worse, it can be really hard to shake off.

One thing that has helped me when I've been in that situation is getting involved in something that I love. In my case it's usually been music, which I've done since I was a kid, so it has a lot of familiarity and comfort for me. Making a commitment to a group and having a set time and place when I could just focus on music and let everything else go served as an anchor for me. 

It's really tough to be miserable and unsettled. I hope you two can come to a resolution that works for both of you.

It's been my experience that going back to somewhere you've loved is even harder than moving away in the first place. Things have moved on while you've been away, and you've changed as well, and so it's not possible to just slip comfortably back into the place that you remember.

I think it was Thomas Wolfe who said 'you can't go home again' and that what he meant.

It's been my experience that going back to somewhere you've loved is even harder than moving away in the first place. Things have moved on while you've been away, and you've changed as well, and so it's not possible to just slip comfortably back into the place that you remember.

That's what I'm feeling!  People are thinking I'm taking the 'easy' way out by going home... it is NOT!

It's been my experience that going back to somewhere you've loved is even harder than moving away in the first place. Things have moved on while you've been away, and you've changed as well, and so it's not possible to just slip comfortably back into the place that you remember.

I think that, while quite a bit did change in the 4 years we were gone, he changed much more dramatically.  I also think he was holding on to a somewhat romantic notion of what life was like over here.  I was better prepared to come back because I'd lived here before, knew there were things I didn't like, and I spent a lot of time researching them to make sure I could deal with the move.  He only thought about the great things he missed and was not interested in "preparing" to return.  We'll have to see if a bit more time helps him out.  Otherwise, we'll need to seriously consider our options for moving back to the US.  And figure out how to finance it. 

Hugs Carrie!

Unfortunately for some people, the grass is always greener on the other side of the fence (...my DH for one).  If your DH was unhappy in the US and he's unhappy here, he might always find something to complain about no matter where he lives.

It is really hard to come home again.  What you remember about a place  is generally the really good things about it and you forget the bad things.  Also, life moves forward when you leave and the place you return to isn't the same.  And living away, opens your eyes wider and you have a completely different perspective on life when you go back.  Once your eyes are opened, you can't go back to the myopic view of life that you had before. (Sometimes how I wish I could!) 

the reason that we haven't indulged my DH and packed it in here is that we would have to start all over again and it is more exhausting to start again than it is to just keep going here. 

After spending 6 years in the US thinking how great Canada was and being totally focussed on moving back there, and once I got there, realising that it wasn't what I had idealised that whole 6 years, I am happy to "bloom where I'm planted" and make my life where I live.  DH is slowly learning that. 

I asked him the other day what he would do if he won £35 million and his answer knocked my socks off...  he said he would make his life work here before doing anything else.  I was shocked.   

I agree with Elynor about finding anchors.  For us, it's been football, Girl Guides and music which we've had no matter where we have lived.  And our family.  When the whole world has seemed to conspire against us, we focus on our marriage and kids because sometimes that seems like the only thing over which we have control.  In the end though, that is THE most important thing and as long as we have each other, the other stuff just isn't as important. 

another piece of advice we had about education, (before we moved to the US and we were concerned about our kids' education - with good reason!) was because we value education, are educated ourselves and believe that education doesn't only come from school, is that our kids would be well educated no matter where we lived.  That has become so true.  I don't think Carrie, that any kid of yours would have trouble getting a good education.  The education is definitely available in this country, if you choose to take advantage of it. 

This is a ramble, I know, but I totally understand and it is certainly not easy.  You know I'm here..