Coping strategies for public transport

Everyone has a good point (no, I wasn't on your bus on Saturday night but I'm sure it was funny).  Yep, this is Edinburgh.

I think it's definitely an issue I'm having, which most likely is a result of be felt up in the train and being verbally assaulted on the bus.  Now every little thing gets to me.  I do need to toughen up (which surprises me since I thought I was pretty tough having been mugged three times in Baltimore - which now I think of it may actually have something to do with my slow fuse on public transport where I'm essentially a captive audience).

I'll have a think about putting some headphones on my head - I just don't want to contribute to the problem. 

For instance, today I politely asked a guy and girl who were playing their mobile openly on the bus at 7:30am to turn the mobile down.  They said no.  I asked if they could then turn it off blah, blah, blah - they said no.  Now, it's in the by-laws of Lothian buses that we, as passengers, have the right not to have to hear that loud music.  So I went to the driver and explained the situation to him - he said he could ask them but he couldn't force them to turn the music down (a lie).  They pretended to put the headphones on (which they magically procured all of a sudden when confronted by the driver) - but they simply faked that and turned it down but not by much.  Eventually, I just got off the bus and waited for the next one.

I felt like a total loser - everyone on the bus was looking at me like I was one - and I was very angry - mostly cause I can't quite put a finger on why it ticks me off so much but also because people really do sit there and let their time and space be violated and they continue to put up with it.  There was even a piece on the One show about this very thing.

Ah well - all of your advice is very good and I try to practice it as often as possible.  I am thankful to have a drunk person on the bus rather than driving - but to me that means I'm still forced to be enclosed in a space with people who are out of control.

Thanks again everyone.  I'm currently taking all of it into consideration.  I will say that Lothian Buses has been a total git - when I had trouble on the train, I emailed First ScotRail and they immediately stepped in to make sure I was okay, and gave me advice and let me know that they were concerned and what I could next time anything happened. 

For instance, today I politely asked a guy and girl who were playing their mobile openly on the bus at 7:30am to turn the mobile down.  They said no.  I asked if they could then turn it off blah, blah, blah - they said no.  Now, it's in the by-laws of Lothian buses that we, as passengers, have the right not to have to hear that loud music.  So I went to the driver and explained the situation to him - he said he could ask them but he couldn't force them to turn the music down (a lie).  They pretended to put the headphones on (which they magically procured all of a sudden when confronted by the driver) - but they simply faked that and turned it down but not by much.  Eventually, I just got off the bus and waited for the next one.

I felt like a total loser - everyone on the bus was looking at me like I was one - and I was very angry - mostly cause I can't quite put a finger on why it ticks me off so much but also because people really do sit there and let their time and space be violated and they continue to put up with it.  

I just feel that, in life, we have to pick our battles.
You might think that Im 'sitting there allowing my time and space to be violated', but perhaps I've just decided that this is a battle not worth fighting... saving my time and energy for something more worthwhile and important. 

For instance, today I politely asked a guy and girl who were playing their mobile openly on the bus at 7:30am to turn the mobile down.  They said no.  I asked if they could then turn it off blah, blah, blah - they said no.  Now, it's in the by-laws of Lothian buses that we, as passengers, have the right not to have to hear that loud music.  So I went to the driver and explained the situation to him - he said he could ask them but he couldn't force them to turn the music down (a lie).  They pretended to put the headphones on (which they magically procured all of a sudden when confronted by the driver) - but they simply faked that and turned it down but not by much.  Eventually, I just got off the bus and waited for the next one.

How's it a lie?  The bus driver can't force someone to do something.  They can tell them to get off and call the police if it escalates into something bad but aside from that, there's nothing they can do.

I think people who play music loudly on public transport are doing it for a reaction.  By reacting to it you're giving them the satisfaction of getting the reaction they hoped for.  Neds love regaling the entire bus with their chipmunk dance music here in Inverness but they mostly do it because they WANT people to get mad at them.  On public transport you just have to suck it up despite how annoying it is.

My coping strategy is to text my friend who lives in a different town with a game she started when I was ranting about my frustrations.  We have two games actually.

1.  The bus driver tally, if you are literally footsteps from the bus and start to run and they leave they get a tally, if you catch it you get one.  I am lost that battle three times before I got my first tally.

2.  The weirdest person spotting.  While at the depot or on the bus you text about the strangest person you see, a demented but funny people watching game.  She usually wins, but it gets my mind off the stress of the situation.

Other times I leave with fascinating stories to tell, like the little girl who was mad her mom wouldn't take her to McDonalds and then loudly said, "It is because you fart mom and that isn't fair."  The poor woman was embarrassed but we laughed, she laughed with us.

Life is an adventure, especially with the public.

If I had been in your situation I would have probably just ignored those people and listened to my own music.  I think as you are looking for 'coping strategies' to public transit, listening to your own music would definitely qualify.

I just feel that, in life, we have to pick our battles.
You might think that Im 'sitting there allowing my time and space to be violated', but perhaps I've just decided that this is a battle not worth fighting... saving my time and energy for something more worthwhile and important. 

definitely agreed.  Telling off some annoying kid on the bus who is blasting his mobile phone music is just not a high priority compared to all the other stuff I have going on.  The bus ride is always temporary, I can get off and then it's over.  And to be honest, I'm not terribly bothered by that kind of stuff on the bus because it's just par for the course, really.  You can't predict or control the kind of people you'll meet on public transport, so as long as I'm not being personally assaulted, the inconvenient annoyances that come along with riding the bus are just...part of life.

Did you say you've been mugged three times?  Oh my...

Perhaps you're "coping threshold" is much more sensitive because of this?  The social worker in me is playing with this at the mo., so I'll just throw my thoughts out there...

I think we all have a continuum of tolerance in regard to public nuisances, whether it's loud music, loud people, public drunkenness etc.and so forth.  Some folks put on their music/read a book and slip into their own world.  For others, this process is much more difficult, maybe because they are preprogrammed to be supersensitive (are anxious, have panic attacks, other emotional/physical "ailment")  or because certain life events have made them that way (mugged three times. eek.)

If I were to brainalize myself (and lordy have I:), I know I'm supersensitive.
1.  Because I'm claustrophobic
2.  Because I get panic attacks

(And, yes, as a sw, I have dealt with these issues professionally.  Yet they still haunt me from time to time.  )

And, while I've never been mugged, during my time as a sw in West Philly, I had a number of run-ins that have freaked the bejebus out of me.  One day, I literally was running down the street from a man hopped up on something or other and just made it to the trolley as it was pulling away.  Freshly freaked out and predisposed to panic attacks, I sat down, felt the heat of the car envelop me, became dizzy from the "normal" smells and sounds of the people around me, and I had a panic attack.  Right there.  Awful, awful.

Anyway.  Don't want to hijack the thread, but I'm sensitive to the fact that your life experience, particularly the muggings, may have made you more sensitive to the kinda things that many folk take for granted.  Your person was violated (it was), and the anger you felt toward your attackers may never have gone away completely.  That may be why you get so angry, so quickly.  You want to make right those past injustices.  Justice shall prevail!      

Anyway, back to present.  I have to ride public transport (take that, panic attacks!) and you have to ride public transport (take that, obnoxious kids!).  Since we both seem to be highly sensitive to different features of public transportation, we both need coping mechanisms, right?  You just need to find the ones that fit you.  (And you might want to talk to someone about those muggings, girl.)

Lastly, lastly, I promise!  If you see something happening on the bus that is illegal and it's happening all the time, advocate for yourself and your fellow riders by contacting the bus company.  This may help you to regain a sense of control.  Good luck!!!

I guess I do see telling people who don't seem to know how to behave in public that they're inconsiderate as a battle that needs to be fought.  Because we all know that kids who display that sort of behaviour aren't exactly A+ kids the rest of the time.  They're the same kids who make shopping a pain because they're loud and insulting and intimidating.  They're the same kids that mean you - a law abiding decent human being - can't feel safe walking down the street to your corner shop because they're hanging about like some 2-bit gang with their loud music and 2 litres of White Lightning.  They're the same kids who will pull a knife on your kid for not giving up his/her mobile phone.

Letting them act however they want means they've won - and decent people have lost.  And that makes me more upset than their actual behaviour on the day...

Assholes on public transport do my head in. That's great that some of you can just switch it off. More power to you. Some can't, and like jlbanks said, there could be a lot of reasons for it.

I agree with Peedal that sometimes it IS a battle worth fighting. But it sure is hard to know when to fight it and when to just let it go.

Mussy, for your own sanity you ARE going to have to come up with some coping strategies that work for you. Rightly or wrongly, you can't fight this battle every day.

2.  The weirdest person spotting...the strangest person you see...

Other times I leave with fascinating stories to tell, like the little girl who was mad her mom wouldn't take her to McDonalds and then loudly said, "It is because you fart mom and that isn't fair."  The poor woman was embarrassed but we laughed, she laughed with us.

These kind of things are exactly some of what I most love about riding the bus!  Just observing human nature in all its weird & wonderful forms.

A friend I work with and I often ride the same bus together after work, because we live on the same route in the same town.  There's a lady we call 'budgie lady' who often rides our bus -- I suspect she may have some form of autism or mental illness (of course that's not funny & I sincerely mean no disrespect)...but her behavior is such that she asks loud, sharp, rapid-fire (and often personal) questions to anyone who is near to her -- these people being complete strangers!  (She often talks about her budgies -- hence, 'budgie lady'.)  And sometimes the things she blurts out do end up getting the entire bus in stitches.

For example, man gets on the bus with a little dog.  He's standing near her & she asks if she can pet the dog.  He consents.  She starts up with the loud, sharp, rapid-fire interrogation.  He soon tires of this, and moves further toward the back of the bus.  She then blurts out - 'What's the matter?'  ('Nothing.')  'Did I hurt him?!'  ('No.')  'Are you going to report me to the RSPCA?!'

She also frequently does this to the bus driver.  (bear in mind she's practically shouting)  'Why is it so busy?!  Why is there so much traffic?!  Why is it so busy?!  Can't you make them get out of your way?!'

There is great people watching to be had on the bus!

I guess I do see telling people who don't seem to know how to behave in public that they're inconsiderate as a battle that needs to be fought.  Because we all know that kids who display that sort of behaviour aren't exactly A+ kids the rest of the time.  They're the same kids who make shopping a pain because they're loud and insulting and intimidating.  They're the same kids that mean you - a law abiding decent human being - can't feel safe walking down the street to your corner shop because they're hanging about like some 2-bit gang with their loud music and 2 litres of White Lightning.  They're the same kids who will pull a knife on your kid for not giving up his/her mobile phone.

Letting them act however they want means they've won - and decent people have lost.  And that makes me more upset than their actual behaviour on the day...

But if they're the same kids who will pull a knife on your kid for not giving up a mobile phone, what makes you think they wont pull a knife on you for telling them off about their music or their insulting comments or whatever?

If I had been in your situation I would have probably just ignored those people and listened to my own music.  I think as you are looking for 'coping strategies' to public transit, listening to your own music would definitely qualify.

I definitely agree.

I used Lothian buses for 5 years, and never had a bother.

But then, I have ridden some pretty dodgy excuses for buses and trains in my time, not to mention the ones in some countries where people are constantly in your face flogging something or having my a*se pinched black and blue (that was in Japan, of call places!).

When I think of 'coping strategies' and the need for them I always think along the lines of needing to cope with some major illness, disability, extreme financial or housing situation, etc.

Not riding a bus for an hour or so.

I don't understand why this is such a problem for people???. YOU may not have problems with public transport. YOU may have been on the most horrid buses in the world. But that's YOU. The implication is that she's being a drama queen and needs to get a grip and that's not fair at all. Mussy has more than admitted that she's had things happen to her that are probably contributing factors to her short fuse and stress. All she's asking for are tips and suggestions as to how she might cope better. Which she has received - along with posts that aren't helpful at all. Which is what I don't get.

In the grand scheme of things IMO it's great that she actually IS willing to say something to the little twerps who just want to create trouble. The problem is, it's not doing her any good and it's not a battle she really ought to fight on a daily basis (well, IMO at least!).

I hope you can sort something out, Mussy. I used to take the bus in Wash DC and that wasn't fun, either.

Heartily seconded, balmerhon.

But if they're the same kids who will pull a knife on your kid for not giving up a mobile phone, what makes you think they wont pull a knife on you for telling them off about their music or their insulting comments or whatever?

It depends on how they look, to me. I know you can't always tell, but sometimes you just have to use your best judgment. Yesterday, I told some kids to turn their iPods down on the train, and they complied. They were grumpy and gave me dirty looks, but at least my throbbing headache was gone. And I felt very satisfied for having spoken up.

I do understand your issues, Mussy. You just have to be careful. And if it's not worth the risk, then you might have to just come up with some coping mechanisms.